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My BF and I are planning to get married. The topic of children has come up a few times. The few times that I mention having children, he always says IF we have children. This leads me to think that he may not want children. When I have asked him straight out if he wants children, he says yeah eventually. I personally think that he is on the fence.
Parents, were you ever on the fence? What made you change your mind? Should I resign myself to the fact that he may never want children? I'm not 100% sure myself if I want children, but I would like options.
My BF and I are planning to get married. The topic of children has come up a few times. The few times that I mention having children, he always says IF we have children. This leads me to think that he may not want children. When I have asked him straight out if he wants children, he says yeah eventually. I personally think that he is on the fence.
Parents, were you ever on the fence? What made you change your mind? Should I resign myself to the fact that he may never want children? I'm not 100% sure myself if I want children, but I would like options.
Your a smart having this conversation before marriage. You should have more in depth discussions. Here are some things to consider.
1. Are you scared of the responsibility?
This is normal. It is uncharted territory. It is like starting a new job. Scary at first but you get over it
2. What kind of lifestyle do you have now? Do you enjoy staying home or you must go out every weekend?
My dh and I were homebodies from the beginning so having children didn't cramp our style.
3. Do you like children? Not spoiled brats but OK kids?
Some people really hate children. I myself do not understand this but I am sure someone will chime in on the subject. It is OK not to like a kid that comes into your home and starts climbing on the furniture while the parent stands by doing nothing. But your kid will be a product of your genes and your parenting.
4. Money. Are you OK there? You do not have to be rich but you do not want to have to constantly worry about how you are going to pay for your expenses. When I say expenses I mean food, utilities, housing, not entertainment expenses. It makes for a miserable life.
Do not resign yourself to giving up motherhood. If you are not on the same page do not marry as you will end up divorced.
There is something called baby fever. It is real. You get this yearning for a baby. Some women never have it. I did. After my dd was born I told everyone that she was going to be an only child. When she was about 2 baby fever hit and I now have a son.
Your a smart having this conversation before marriage. You should have more in depth discussions. Here are some things to consider.
1. Are you scared of the responsibility?
This is normal. It is uncharted territory. It is like starting a new job. Scary at first but you get over it
2. What kind of lifestyle do you have now? Do you enjoy staying home or you must go out every weekend?
My dh and I were homebodies from the beginning so having children didn't cramp our style.
3. Do you like children? Not spoiled brats but OK kids?
Some people really hate children. I myself do not understand this but I am sure someone will chime in on the subject. It is OK not to like a kid that comes into your home and starts climbing on the furniture while the parent stands by doing nothing. But your kid will be a product of your genes and your parenting.
4. Money. Are you OK there? You do not have to be rich but you do not want to have to constantly worry about how you are going to pay for your expenses. When I say expenses I mean food, utilities, housing, not entertainment expenses. It makes for a miserable life.
Do not resign yourself to giving up motherhood. If you are not on the same page do not marry as you will end up divorced.
There is something called baby fever. It is real. You get this yearning for a baby. Some women never have it. I did. After my dd was born I told everyone that she was going to be an only child. When she was about 2 baby fever hit and I now have a son.
Hopes this helps.
Thanks, your comments did help.
I'll give a little more info on the situation.
Growing up, he baby sat a lot children in his family. He kind of feels like he's been there done that with children. His family also took in foster kids, so kids have always been around him growing up. He wants to travel and says that children will make that more difficult. He also thinks that children are quite expensive (which is true). Although we both do okay with money, childcare is VERY expensive where we live. Anyway, despite all this, he claims that he would like a child eventually. With all his negative feelings about children, I don't see how he can want children. Does that make sense?
I'm on the fence about children because I deal with them all day long. I love my students, but I enjoy peace and quiet when I get home. I'm definately not ready to be a mother and I don't know if I ever will be. Like I said, I do want options though.
Growing up, he baby sat a lot children in his family. He kind of feels like he's been there done that with children. His family also took in foster kids, so kids have always been around him growing up.
How long ago was that? Being a child and having your life overruned by children can be traumatic. It is not the same when you are the parent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam82
He wants to travel and says that children will make that more difficult.
Traveling gets old. You can do both. Travel first and have children later. Assuming 82 is your birth year, you still have a few years before being "too old" to have children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam82
He also thinks that children are quite expensive (which is true). Although we both do okay with money, childcare is VERY expensive where we live.
True. But what are you going to do with all the money you earn?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam82
Anyway, despite all this, he claims that he would like a child eventually. With all his negative feelings about children, I don't see how he can want children. Does that make sense?
Is he being honest? Or does he just want to appease you? Talk, talk about this ad nauseoum until he tells you what he really thinks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam82
I'm on the fence about children because I deal with them all day long. I love my students, but I enjoy peace and quiet when I get home. I'm definately not ready to be a mother and I don't know if I ever will be. Like I said, I do want options though.
Yes, peace and quite is nice. We had that for years and to us it was boring.
Here is one last thought when you are 80yo together, what do you picture your life as?
Disclamer: I am bias here so I do not want to talk you into kids. I'll let others chime in now.
My DH and I discussed this before we got married as well. Smart conversation to have. We are now expecting, after several failed attempts and I 100 % agree with Suzie's comments. Baby fever is so real... I had it realllll bad.
It is a great thing to have the conversation about children before getting married. If he is unsure about having kids you may want to reconsider marriage, if you are sure that you do want kids. Trying to change his mind or becoming resentful later in the marriage is unfair and will probably do a lot of damage to your relationship anyway.
My husband and I knew we wanted a family and even how many kids we wanted. The path we took wasn't exactly like the one we planned, but the end result was the same.
My former boyfriend is 44 now and just had his first baby. When we were together, I had the same feeling as Sam82 - he was not against having children in general, but he didn't have the fervor for them at the time (in his early 30s). Too much was on his mind - job, travel, a particular place in the world he wanted to get to... He has achieved everything by now as far as I know. I'm sure he's tickled as hell with his first child.
It would be nicer though to get some concrete answers rather than speculate on vague responses. Does he or does he not want to have a child? If yes, what time frame does he see for himself?
My daughter's teacher is having a baby, will probably leave this month. Regardless of all those clumsy noisy 5 year olds she's been teaching for 8 years
In my opinion, if you both are very unsure about this topic, give yourself time. Marriage doesn't mean immediate procreation, but understanding of goals does.
TALK, a lot. Disagreements about children is one of the leading causes of divorce, after money and in-law disputes. Make sure (I would suggest using a pastor if you have one) you not only cover whether you'll have kids but also how many, when, what will your roles look like as mom and dad, will you work, what if you encounter infertility, how does he feel about adoption...etc. etc. If you "think" you might want kids you'll most likely really want them in a few years, so talk now and make sure you're not wasting your time.
Wow. I was away for a little while. What great responses. I knew I did the right thing posting here instead of the relationship forum (it could have gone either way).
If I decide to have children, it would not be in the near future, maybe 8-10 years from now. I know that many teachers do have children. It is just that I want to be a good mother. I wonder if I have enough patience for children of my own and teaching. A few teachers who have children have told me that it is different when the child is your own. I guess I'll see for myself eventually .
As for BF, we will have to sit down soon and have a serious discusssion. He has told me that he wants to get engaged within this year. I don't want to go through an engagement and marriage, then find out we are not on the same page. I know it sounds corny, but he's always saying how important I am to him. I don't want him to lie to me just so we can stay together. I want both of us to be happy.
Look at it this way. At least he didn't say "absolutely not" towards children. Saying "eventually" or at least leaving the door open means there is room to negotiate.
On the flip side, since neither one of you is absolutely sure that you want to have kids, you are not going to put yourselves through the heartbreak of possibly not being able to have children. My roommate from college is a born-to-be-a-mom type. Seriously. She OWES the world the children she would raise. However, when she got married, she married a man who also wanted kids without a doubt. After 2 years of trying, they went through another 3 years of every reproductive therapy they could find. They spent literally hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant. They finally called it quits and their marriage really suffered for a year or so. Guess what? They decided to go to Greece for their 10 year anniversary and when she got back, she felt a little weird. Yep, she's pregnant.
The thing about pregnancy is that there is always the possibility that you cannot have kids. If you don't start out your marriage on the "we must have children" route, you are allowing for the possibility that it may just be the two of you.
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