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I would not confront your son-if he thinks you are spying on him it could be very hard on your relationship with him. You need to find a roundabout way to ask him about this, though. Also, keep an eye on those other boys; it should be obvious to you whether they've been drinking or not since you have known them for a long time. Did they 'steal' the booze from someone's parents? Not that it's relevant, but a missing bottle of booze might be.
Make sure he knows that his information is out there for anyone to see-Myspace, Facebook-they're hugely popular, and addictive and they can really interfere with a kid getting their schoolwork done-among other things. One thing you can do is to keep an eye on him while he's doing homework-
it is likely that while he's doing homework, he'll have that open, too and then you can say for example ''how's it coming, honey--"what did that girl write to you???" Then you may have an opening for a conversation with him about this stuff.
You could also anonymously let the teacher/parent know about the kids getting drunk, and the fact that it is on myspace. If the parent/teacher doesn't care, you can be pretty damned sure the schoolboard will.
Last edited by fuzzymystic; 03-30-2007 at 03:13 PM..
I hope to "God" my son has such a good role model as you in a teacher when he is in his late teens. Awesome advice IMO.
If you are being serious, I thank you. I thought I would get "flamed" for telling her not to tell on the other children; I thought everyone would disagree and tell me how I am wrong.
I am a parent too (and school teacher!) and here is what I would do:
Obviously your son made the right choices, despite peer pressure and didn't give in. I wouldn't at ALL punish him. In fact, I would reward him-honestly.I would do something special for him because that took more courage to resist, than it did to drink, and I would want him to know that respected him for that...it is building up trust, and I would want him to keep on making the right choices in the future. So I wouldn't punish him.
I also wouldn't let him sleep over one of their houses. AND, I also wouldn't tell on the boys. They could hate your son. Now yes, if my son was doing this, I would want to be told. I would tell your son to tell the boys that his mother found out, he doesn't know how she did (so he won't be on the sh&t list with them), is NOT telling on them...but the next time she ever finds out ANYTHING, then she will. This is a warning.
I remember being 15, and I too remember stealing alcohol from my parents, I remember my friends doing it...I remember getting "runners" (adults) to go buy us beer. I am admitting it is wrong, but unfortunately most teenages do these things. Luckily your son did not.
I believe this would be like conspiring with the children or turning the other cheek. I would figure that by the son telling this to his friends "my mom knows but.....". If it latter got out the she knew and didn't tell me as the parent I would be devasted. Im not saying telling each parent just the one where this happened. It is up to the other parent to tell the parents of the children that slept over. As a responsible parent I was responsible by telling the parent where this took place.
I was also one of thos WILD 15 year olds. I don't want to begin.
As for the girls on my space unless it was putragiously out there I wouldn't fret. Thats the hormones talking.
Last edited by Pixie Dust; 03-30-2007 at 03:19 PM..
I don't think it is conspiring with the children being as I am not working with them towards doing something. As for turning the other cheek, that would be if I ignored the situation. I am making them aware of it through my son. I am trying to give them a warning to let them know they're not as slick as they think they are...that a parent is onto them...they made a mistake and if they don't want to be grounded by their own parents for the rest of their life, to not make that mistake again.
Honestly, there really isn't any right or wrong way to deal with a situation until a specific way is tried, and then it would be found to either have worked, or not worked. This is how I would deal with the situation. It could blow up in my face. Then again, telling the boys parents for the 1st time they did something like this-or at least go caught for it, (otherwise the poster would have mentioned it) could ruin the child, have them retaliate against him...possibly turn that innocent children into a depressed, miserable child because now his friends left him.
If teenagers want to drink, they are going to find a way to do it, no ifs, ands, or buts about it...even if they get caught.
I'm not a parent but I was a teen...once. My parent's (especially my father) are my role models and I did things that I shouldn't have done when I was in my teens but they stood by me all the way. I think you need to just talk to him (not yell) about what he's doing and then tell him it was a wise thing not to drink. Tell him that you trust him more and that he's on his way to being a responsible adult. Don't judge him as I'm sure you (and all of us) did things that were stupid as a teenager.
We didn't have myspace, messengers, cell phones when I was 16. Just about every Saturday night from when I was almost 16 to when I graduated, we went out and drank. I lived in a small town, nothing much to do and the nearest city was about 40 miles away. We usually went out to my farm or my friend's farms and drank until 1...2...3 whenever.
When we went out to my farm, we had a little shed on our property about 1/4 of a mile from the house where we partied. My father put a couple tables and chairs along with a couch and a couple coolers in there for us to use. Everyone drove out (usually had around 20 people) and hung out. Nothing bad every happened (aka no sex, drugs, etc); we just drank and had a good time. My father said that if anyone drinks, they need to stay. Everyone always enjoyed themselves, it wasn't like today where you had to worry about drugs and that crap.
Ah, the good old days. Okay, enough reliving the past...
Also tell your son that if he ever is drunk, to call you and you'd pick him up. Understand his situation, talk to him like a friend and not a parent. Tell him NEVER to drink and drive.
I don't think it is conspiring with the children being as I am not working with them towards doing something. As for turning the other cheek, that would be if I ignored the situation. I am making them aware of it through my son. I am trying to give them a warning to let them know they're not as slick as they think they are...that a parent is onto them...they made a mistake and if they don't want to be grounded by their own parents for the rest of their life, to not make that mistake again.
Honestly, there really isn't any right or wrong way to deal with a situation until a specific way is tried, and then it would be found to either have worked, or not worked. This is how I would deal with the situation. It could blow up in my face. Then again, telling the boys parents for the 1st time they did something like this-or at least go caught for it, (otherwise the poster would have mentioned it) could ruin the child, have them retaliate against him...possibly turn that innocent children into a depressed, miserable child because now his friends left him.
If teenagers want to drink, they are going to find a way to do it, no ifs, ands, or buts about it...even if they get caught.
You are completely right. I have had things blow up in my face while raising these boys. You learn and try something new. The suggestion you said blew up in my face once, could've turned out differently but it didn't. I learned when it happened with the second child I did what I suggested. It is terriable when a parent is telling you..."would you like it if I kept it from you??" Made me feel like a conspirator.
And ahhh the past???? My first drunken moment: my basement, three girlfriends, 3 bottle vodka and orange juice. My parents found the bottles under my bed four days latter!!! To this day I can't touch vodka. Whata hang over.
I am a parent too (and school teacher!) and here is what I would do:
Obviously your son made the right choices, despite peer pressure and didn't give in. I wouldn't at ALL punish him. In fact, I would reward him-honestly.I would do something special for him because that took more courage to resist, than it did to drink, and I would want him to know that respected him for that...it is building up trust, and I would want him to keep on making the right choices in the future. So I wouldn't punish him.
I also wouldn't let him sleep over one of their houses. AND, I also wouldn't tell on the boys. They could hate your son. Now yes, if my son was doing this, I would want to be told. I would tell your son to tell the boys that his mother found out, he doesn't know how she did (so he won't be on the sh&t list with them), is NOT telling on them...but the next time she ever finds out ANYTHING, then she will. This is a warning.
I remember being 15, and I too remember stealing alcohol from my parents, I remember my friends doing it...I remember getting "runners" (adults) to go buy us beer. I am admitting it is wrong, but unfortunately most teenages do these things. Luckily your son did not.
That is excellent advice! When my kids get to the dreaded teenage years I will pull this info out off my computer (plan on downloading this thread...specifically this post) and refer to it.
Oh my. Not there yet but I've got friends that are and have been. shudder
Okay, sit down and talk to him calmly. Kids talk and just let him know that somehow you have heard that some things went on that you are not sure about and have him tell you. First tell him though that you heard that he was the better example and you are proud of him and admire him. But you would like to hear his side of the story instead of the "thru the grapevine" version you have heard. Mrshvo is pretty much right. I'd be scared to call the other parents as I do know many that have done such and it has blown up or the other parents get defensive and actually defend their child so I'd skip that, unless I heard that a parent provided the alcohol then I'd be pretty ticked and everyone would know. After your son tells you his version again reassure him that you love him, respect him and want to continue to trust him since he is showing such great character and judgement. Also let him know that while this incident happened at a private home that if something like this should ever happen where they could get "busted" by the police that he would be just as guilty as his friends even though he did nothing. That old "guilty by association" that we always heard about ourselves from our parents.
As for the myspace. OH BOY!!! I've heard that some colleges and universities are looking at the applicants and if they have a myspace they are not admitting them. They are checking them out and don't want anything to stand in the way of pulling their own ratings and standards down and way too often kids are putting things on these myspace pages that are things they would not say otherwise. Let him know that you have heard this, almost have this as a totally seperate conversation, different day and such than the other one about his friends and the drinking. Ask him if he has seen anything on others myspace pages that could be construed as illegal or getting them in trouble (which has happened several times around here I know). Ask him if anyone has put anything on his myspace that is not appropriate and how he feels about it. On this I would just shot straight w/o letting him know that you have looked it up. Ask him if he minds if you see his myspace together.
I think in the end if you treat him w/ respect and show that you love the fact that he did not cave to the peer pressure he will be very appreciative and more open w/ you whenever anything else comes up. Like telling him if he is at a friends house and someone shows up w/ alcohol to call you and have you come pick him up or he is a big enough person to just get up and leave. I do know of some girls at an area school around here that were on the drill team that were drinking at one girls house and only two of them were there and no one else. Some friends popped over unannounced and word got out that they had been drinking. They got kicked off the drill team and on probabition at school. Let him know that things like this happen and you don't want his whole life destroyed over something like it.
obviously you are doing a good job with him, he didnt drink. I have three boys, 18,14 and 12. I have taught them about not drinking, smoking and drug use. I try to set good examples, by not doing them as well. One thing i can tell you for sure, keeping him out of society and locked in his room will go badly. I know this my mom did it too me. Guess what i rebelled and ended up pregnant at 17. I was so isolated from the real world, I couldnt tell what was what anymore. My momwas so afraid i would get into trouble like my brother did that I did, but not because she let me out and do my own thing, but because she kept me out of the real world. I let my 18 year old do his own thing, kept close tabs on him when he was away and he is now on his own in college working full time. Well I caught my 14 year old smoking, well first put the fear of god into him, then went bought him a pack of smokes and made him smoke every last one. Thyen showed him photos of my moms best friend who died of lung cancer, not pretty photos. Well he learned that one!!! BTW My space is bad news, none of my kids have an account there.
Wow, that's some son that you have! You've done a great job with him and should be very proud. What you have is a wonderful opportunity as a parent-many life-lessons for him to learn here.
I would do the following:
1- tell him that a co-worker found your son's Space and brought it to your attention. This will take away the "snooping" issue.
2- tell him how proud you are that he made the choice not to drink with his friends and how hard that must have been for him. Tell him again how proud that made you feel.
3- tell him that you have to bring this to the attention of the parents of the boy whose home it was. Also tell him that when you read his MySpace, your first thought was to take it away from him, but you have decided to let him keep it, but that you will be monitoring it. I'd be prepared also to keep him off the computer for a couple of weeks, depending on his attitude at this point.
This is also a good opportunity for him to learn how wide open the internet is. He could be applying for a job and a potential employer could find his Space and not hire him because of things that are out there. Caution him that this is true with any online posts to other sites, as well. A girlfriend's parents can also find it and it would influence the way they feel about him.
It's also an opportunity to illustrate how we are judged by the company we keep. The girls with the filthy language and the drinking friends- how natural it is for others who don't know him to assume that he is like that.
(I told my son when he got his MySpace that I would be monitoring it and have set up my own Space to do so. He doesn't know my user name. I also log on to as him- he doesn't know this- When he logs off and goes to bed, I log back on and hit the back button and it takes me right back to where he has been, so I don't need his password)
4- tell him again how proud you are of him and how much his decision says about his character.
5- I would meet with the parents to tell them and maybe have the Space pages printed out to show them. I wouldn't approach them as though you are blaming them, but as a parent bringing this to their attention so that you can all work together to prevent this from happening in the future.
They will probably be very embarassed, so tackling it as mutual issue will defuse any defensiveness.
I doubt that your son's friends are all that bad, because he sounds like he has it together. I can't believe that his friends can be total losers and as long as all parents are on the same page, this "scare" can turn into a real life-lesson for all the boys.
I would want to speak to the parents of the other boys, as well. The first set of parents may want to do this with you. Judging by the parents' concern, you can then make the decision on whether or not to allow him to continue having them as friends.
I work with teens and can't tell you how rare it is for them to stand up to such peer pressure, especially when he could have easily done it and gotten away with it (if not for MySpace!)
Good work, dad! Let us know how you decide to handle it and how it turns out!
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and they can really interfere with a kid getting their schoolwork done-among other things. One thing you can do is to keep an eye on him while he's doing homework-
. Okay, enough reliving the past...
Lots of opportunity in this crisis
