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Sure the anti strict can bring up examples of kids raised by strict parents turn out to be rebels. Just as the anti spankers drag out examples of kids beaten to a pulp and say look spanking is abusive.
Here is the truth.
Most parents over correct. Meaning if your parents left you at home frequently with a babysitter in the evenings to go out and party, you have bad feelings regarding leaving your own kids with babysitter when you go out. Many parents then over-correct by then dragging their poor kids everywhere they go to be sure they don't make the same mistakes. But by doing so, they are making different mistakes which their children with then over-correct from.
There is a middle ground, There is a better way then to just gut react from your own childhood and parent from that.
Be sensible. If you were raised one way and you feel it was the wrong decision your parents made, do not completely 180 and do the opposite. That is just as bad.
Compromise is usually best, sometimes the kids need to be at a babysitters for alone time, and sometimes they can go out with you instead.
Biggest thing I realized is that if parents are overly strict, they won't properly get to know their kids.
My parents were like that, and to this day, I am NOT close to them whatsoever. For one, even now, there is nothing I can say or confide in them, as they are so judgemental and sheltered themselves, I don't even like to talk about basic things with them.
We try to keep it VERY simple, like about how bad the world is, or how bad people are, or the weather...or ANYTHING but personal. Personally I don't think the world or people are bad whatsoever, but that is really the only kind of conversation they are comfortable with - hence I just revert back to the weather and 'listening' to them, rather than conversing with them.
Needless to say, I almost never call, and try to keep email dialog going, but even that is a bit of an effort on my part.
Alot of pastor's kids I knew growing up became wild teenagers because their parents were so strict with them.
And I know a LOT of preacher's kids who grew up to become preachers themselves BECAUSE their parents were strict with them.
It isn't the degree of strictness or "being loose" with kids that matters... what matters is pouring your heart into them. You only have about 20 years to mold them, to bond with them. And it is only the first 2-4 years that most of that molding/bonding happens. If your kids don't understand how much you love them and if you don't communicate with them, they won't feel safe and will grow up to be risk takers trying to establish where the boundries are. As parents, it is our job to teach them when they are young to respect boundries (law, common respect, moral conduct, etc.) If we do that pouring our hearts into them and constantly discussing life with them, we will have a better chance of raising decent kids. Shouldn't that be the goal of raising children? To produce a good, decent society to follow on in our footsteps?
I love my kids with my whole heart. The only one on this earth I love more is their mother. My children know both of these facts which makes them feel safe and they return my love 10 fold.
It really just depends on the kids personalities and the home environment. I think a lot of parents here are on the right path - knowing your kids and developing relationships with them based on trust, respect, and open communication is way more effective than setting rigid rules and ruling over your kids like a dictator of the land. Earning your kids respect by utilizing fear and threat tactics is imo the worst kind of parenting. Those kids are being set up for misery. Set your boundaries, kids need boundaries to feel secure, but as they grow they will push them and as the parents it's our job to realize when it's time to hold fast and when it's an OK time to let go a little. Parenting is a dance like that, that's why it's so exhausting!
Well, I don't know why you're dissing (or joking with - perhaps) the poster with the "still single with no kids" - I personally agree and I'm certainly not single and without kids. I've been married for 25+ years and have a large family children (ages 25 to age 7). I can certainly atteste to the fact that teen-agers and young adults certainly have a mind (and hormones) of their own.
Example: Our stricter-than-thou, holier-than-thou friends/co-worker couple let their daughter's boyfriend stay at their house because he was kicked out of his house. They were "surprised" when their daughter ended up pregnant several months later. There was quick marriage and the boyfriend enrolled in the Marines. The last I heard the grandma (at that time, probably 41-42) was taking care of the baby and the mother while the daddy was deployed overseas. I have no clue whether or not they're still married, if they have more children, etc. That was about 3-4 years ago, I believe. Maybe more, time goes fast.
I can't begin to tell you the various stories I've heard from classmates that I graduated with - how that goody-two-shoes and that goody-two-shoes did this and that and did I know about it. I could care less. But it just goes to show you that those who are totally squashed down and held back by their parents REALLY, REALLY cut loose and go at it with no-holds-barred once they get out into the real world. Truthfully, it ain't pretty. Apparently at our 25th high school reunion, a few of the "goody-two-shoes" girls really let it all hang out dancing almost nude (and drunk) on top of tables at the event. Thank God, I wasn't there. Personally, I have no interest in seeing people that I really didn't care for much at high school, 25+ years later. (That's just me though and it has nothing to do with this topic-I digress).
My husband and I are not lax with out kids, they certainly know what is and what is not expected, they are good students (the two oldest are college graduates, the others are still in school), but I don't go around acting like "Church Lady" (from Saturday Night Live) because I've found that it doesn't work. This is not to say that kids should be left to fend for themselves because they certainly need guidance and repercussions for their actions.
I don't believe discipline is the reason children get wild when they are teenagers. The key is to have balance and a lot of love, encouragement, and communication along with rules you set down.
It is our job to set boundaries and to let our children know exactly where we stand on things. They will certainly get enough different views from their peers and teachers as they get older.
Being a Pastor, by the way, does not automatically make you a good parent. I've seen many situations where the Pastor is so caught up in ministering to his flock, that the children (and or marriages) get left behind. It's not an easy life to balance.
Maybe it was put a little too simply. but I can understand what socrates is saying. And, no, I'm not 17...and yes, I do have a child (20 yrs old now).
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