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Not sure if this is the correct place to post this or not. Just wondering how many out there have their adult kids living with them? My son and his wife and baby are living with us ( due to the recent economy) and it is getting to be kind of a pain in the ***. We have room so that is not the problem...the biggest problem I have is if I ask them to do anything , the excuse is either
" I don't have time", or "I'll do it later". I am not a perfect housekeeper but I do expect things to be done every day ( make the bed, laundry, dishes etc) but to them it's like ..oh well mom will do it. I am laid off, so it's not like I don't have time but it would be nice to have some help around the house. I have talked to them in the past and I get the third degree so I try not to even say anything anymore. It has gotten to the pont that I am considering putting house up for sale and me and hubby moving closer to his work. That would put the kids moving in with my mother and father in law ( they think it is bad living here..they ain't seen nothing yet.) Would we be bad parents if we did this? I love my grandson to death, and would miss him terribly. But sometimes I feel as if we are being blackmailed. Sorry for the ranting and raving. Just wondering if anyone else is in this situation.
First, they are not kids, they are adults, and it's their responsibility to behave respectably and appreciatively while living in your house. They live there, they are obligated to contribute. What difference does it make that you're laid off? NONE. They are not in a hotel with maid service.
No, it isn't bad that you would move away. It's sad that you would have to though.
Thanks for your replies. Son is 23, daughter in law is 24 and grandson is 14 months. Son is laid off (draws 140 a week) and daughter in law is in school. May contribute some food every now and then. They have their own bills to pay so they can't contribute alot. Hubby and I have decided that we have worked too hard to have to move out of our home, so we are giving kids an ultimatium. Either help out or get out! If they get mad and move in with my in-laws, they won't stay long. My mother in law is hard to get along with and real strict! First time she hears one of them say " I don't have time"..she will probably hit them with an iron skillet. LOL!! May be the best thing for them to do. Then they can see what they are missing!!
If you haven't done this yet, all of you need to sit down at the table and outline exactly what you expect from them. I can't imagine that this wasn't done prior to them moving in with you. At the very least I would have a written agreement as to any rent or financial responsiblity you expect from them as well as exactly what that includes. I would expect they would do their own laundry and participate in normal housecleaning and maintenance activities. What kind of adult still expects their mom to clean up after them? Makes no difference whether you have been laid off or not. Sit down, put it in writing, make it clear and also put down a plan for when you expect them to move out. Do it soon.
The best time to have negotiated the rules and the end game was before they moved in. Now they have you by the gonads ("You don't want the baby to starve, do you, Mom?") Help them research alternatives, present them with them, and set a deadline.
Nothing motivates like fear. Give them a little.
I wish you were getting more support and appreciation from your newest house guests. I think your son and daughter in law are lucky to have you to help them during these difficult times. I agree with the others; living with you is a privilege and not a free ride. Families live together, work together and contribute together. Because asking for their assistance nicely isn't doing the trick, might I suggest you call a family meeting to discuss some of your expectations that you have if they are to continue living under your roof? I'm not sure how much you have discussed/negotiated these issues with them up until this point.
MaciesMom also has a good point- have you defined how long they will be staying with you, or is it a semi-permanent situation?
Thanks for your replies. Son is 23, daughter in law is 24 and grandson is 14 months. Son is laid off (draws 140 a week) and daughter in law is in school. May contribute some food every now and then. They have their own bills to pay so they can't contribute alot. Hubby and I have decided that we have worked too hard to have to move out of our home, so we are giving kids an ultimatium. Either help out or get out! If they get mad and move in with my in-laws, they won't stay long. My mother in law is hard to get along with and real strict! First time she hears one of them say " I don't have time"..she will probably hit them with an iron skillet. LOL!! May be the best thing for them to do. Then they can see what they are missing!!
No free ride...do not be taken advantage of...you are now housing, cleaning and feeding three additional mouths? Sit down with your husband and figure out how much more it is costing you to host them, set an amount to be paid weekly (anything...even if just a minimal amount to cover water usage...anywhere else they would HAVE to pay rent and utilities) and make certain they understand that 'later' is not the correct answer. What chores need to be done? Cut the lawn? Wash dishes? Do laundry? Pick something that can't be ignored. Just because you're Mom, doing what a good family would do to help out, does not entitle them to treat you like they did when they were 14. You know exactly what I mean.
Whether you are working or not does not apply - they are adults and must learn to carry their own weight. Extremely fortunate to have parents so generous. (Mine took my brother's family in many years ago for a short while...and there were rules...)
Some times folks just don't understand that they've overstepped. Don't know yours, so giving the benefit of doubt.
Even laying it out before they moved in would do no good. It is obvious they do not have any respect for rules anyway.
However long you let this continue, it will continue and if blackmail works on you, they will continue to use that too.
Help Out or MOVE out is all I would say.... end of story, NO MORE chances.. NO more discussions. They are adults so it is time to act like it. So what if they got bills to pay? Don't everybody. All YOUR bills increased because they are there, they shouldn't be getting a free ride permanently! They could trade helping mowing and doing things in place of paying $$$ if they are really that strapped for money. Heck, I think they should be bending over back wards to show appreciation for you giving them a roof over their heads by doing a lot more than you ask of them.
I lived with my in-laws for about a year and a half, so I know this situation from the other side of the equation. We had one toddler and I was expecting another surprise baby, and there was no way my part time job and his full time crappy job could pay for housing in our area.
The point of our living there was to save up some money for security deposits and pay off some debt so we could move to a college town and finish our education. Therefore, we did agree ahead of time on a limited amount of money that would go toward the household bills. I know it was not enough, maybe $50 from each pay-period, tops, and that included food. So yes, we were definitely a financial strain during our time there, though it was understood from the beginning.
However, we agreed to take on pretty much all the household chores my MIL was comfortable with (some things she just prefered for herself and some were a younger siblings chores for the week). It was to make up for not having money. Lawncare, dishes, some meal prep, couponing and shopping, regular household chores- all that we took care of while staying there. I honestly think she would have booted us right in the bottom if we tried to tell her that we didn't have time, and I would have felt ashamed to live there and not contribute anyhow.
I hope you find a way to fix your situation so you are not taken advantage of when you have been kind enough to let them stay there.
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