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I know I came off as bratty earlier but I was pissed atm then and am sorry.
But my mom AND my grandmother both asked me to stay home till I left for the police academy. My great grandmother set aside enough money over the past years, enough for a few semesters at a community college and I was told if I moved out that I wouldn't be able to use it. My mom told me she didn't want me working while I was in my first semester of college even though I wanted a job really bad.
Now, she has completely changed her tune. Writing up rules in leiu of rent, telling me I am a moocher. Telling me she wants me to get a job. Which I have one lined up. I go lifeguard training in a week or so and if I pass I get the job, should be easy since ive been a swimmer my whole life. I am going to start contributing to the bills because my mom needs help.
And you know what, I am not going to be able to save any money for myself. This job is to help my mom. So, no money for me to save up so I can get out sooner. Sure, i'll save what I can but my mom is going to be eating most my paycheck.
The bed time I am somewhat ok with because its around when I fall asleep to begin with but the wake time is what kills me.
She told me I have to be up at 10am on days I don't have work or school. So days I have work ill be up 7 or 8am working till 6pm...meaning on days I don't have work over the summer I am not going to be getting much crash time. I like to sleep in.
It too dictorial. Id even be fine with being up by noon.
And to those of you who think I don't do anything for her I do. I help take care of the pets(feeding, bathing, cleaning up after, I will not clean the fish bowl( last time I was 13 and the beta fish ended up a vegatable and then dying days later...)I do feed our beta we have now, I do my own laundry bedding included, I clean my bathroom which includes having to pick up after my 14 year old brother who DOESN'T help. I clean up after myself. I keep my room livable. My keep my showers to 15 minutes. I refuse to pick up my brothers crap...not my job and he'd yell at me for "putting it in the wrong place". I grocery shop for her, I do store runs, yet I rarely get to use the car for myself. I pay for my own soccer gear when I get the chance. New sock for 6 or new shorts for 25. I help around the kitchen..cooking not so much..things tend to start fire when I cook..I respect the rest of her rules. I don't come prancing in all hours of the night. When I was in school last semester, I went to class and did my work and passed all my classes.
Im not some slutty hooligan or wild party girl.
And I am extremely quiet at night when I do stay up. I stay in my room, my tv is off, my fan is on, my door is shut, I use my head phones and I sit on my bed quiet as can be.
Im not disturbing her, she just wants ultimate control and doesn't think people should be up late. Its not healthy because she can't control everyone and she feels like she should be able to.
And she doesn't monitor my internet in any way except being my friend on facebook and myspace and she has no reason to monitor any further.
That's all nice and all, but you need to understand something: How you say it just as important as what you say. If you come off as immature and bratty, that's the pigeonhole we're going to put you in. If you're living at home and living off someone else, they have the right to make the rules. That's just all there is to it. And no amount of complaining will make us sympathetic.
While I understand its her house her rules, why make rules like that?
I understand curfew, not coming in at all hours.
I understand contributing to the house, whether it be money or chores or both.
I understand reasonable things. In my case no guys staying over. Be quiet after certain hours.
Things of that nature.
What I don't get is to go as far as giving a bedtime and a waketime and making threats against me if I don't listen.
My question was in the topic, "do you get this because I dont?"
The only thing I do understand is that her motives are selfish and stem from her opinion.
The whole people should go to bed early and wake early and do things in the AM and if you don't do that you aren't "normal" in her eyes.
I guess my mom is just getting older.
She likes going to bed early and getting up early, going to do things around between 8-12 and then going home because she is tired and its getting busy out. She doesn't drive like she used to. Its very sunday drive piddly bleh and she used to rave about her driving skills.
When I first asked if I could wear make up (I was in middle school, old enough), she told me that make up was used to attract men to get sex...no mom, all my friends aren't wearing make up, no I don't feel like the odd man out.
At 13, told me only women who have had sex already use tampons... :/ The yelled at me "Are you ready for sex?" Tampons have nothing to do with sex..btw.
Just last year, she told me had she had her way I wouldn't have worn lower rise jeans till 17. Yes, that means I would have been stuck with those jeans that come up above your belly button till 17. Glad I wasn't.
And she thinks everyone is a s/ut or w***e and that people who text, IM things if that nature are morons..
Yeah..thats what ive dealt with for the past almost 20 years.
While I understand its her house her rules, why make rules like that?
I understand curfew, not coming in at all hours.
I understand contributing to the house, whether it be money or chores or both.
I understand reasonable things. In my case no guys staying over. Be quiet after certain hours.
Things of that nature.
What I don't get is to go as far as giving a bedtime and a waketime and making threats against me if I don't listen.
My question was in the topic, "do you get this because I dont?"
The only thing I do understand is that her motives are selfish and stem from her opinion.
The whole people should go to bed early and wake early and do things in the AM and if you don't do that you aren't "normal" in her eyes.
You seem determined to miss the point, but I'm going to try to spell it out for you as plainly as possible in the hopes that you can't avoid it.
HER HOUSE, HER RULES.
Period. It's as simple as that. Whether you like it or not. Whether you understand the rationale for the rules or not. No matter how many times you try to reframe the issue or explain your case. It doesn't matter.
That's what we're trying to tell you but you just don't want to hear it. There's nothing any of us here on this internet forum can do about it, so there's no point in arguing with us. Take your case up with your mom and try to negotiate a change in rules with her. That's your only option other than to 1) live with it, or 2) move out.
While I understand its her house her rules, why make rules like that?
I understand curfew, not coming in at all hours.
I understand contributing to the house, whether it be money or chores or both.
I understand reasonable things. In my case no guys staying over. Be quiet after certain hours.
Things of that nature.
What I don't get is to go as far as giving a bedtime and a waketime and making threats against me if I don't listen.
My question was in the topic, "do you get this because I dont?"
The only thing I do understand is that her motives are selfish and stem from her opinion.
The whole people should go to bed early and wake early and do things in the AM and if you don't do that you aren't "normal" in her eyes.
Ok, the perception of maturity varies by person and circumstance. When i was 20, I lived with two guy roommates. My mother spread lies and rumors that I was sleeping with both to them, and later, that she did not know which man my daughter belonged to. This was all due to me shuting her out. Reality is, after the lady I was taking care of went to the hospital full time, my only recourse was to move out. I moved in with the man I now call my husband and his best friend. Some may have called it irresponsible but I was doing whatever I could do to survive at that point...thanks to my parents leaving me completely unequipped..and had the best years of life to that point there and became equipped on my own very quickly. Men in the house at certain times of the day or night...I don't think that in itself is irresponsible.
I have two questions...
1. Why are you on this forum when you should be in school?
2. What was the altercation you had between you and your mother that caused you to feel the need to reach out here? What happened? Has their been a recent change in your home or your mothers finaces?
On controlling
Is you mother...
telling what clothes to wear or not wear
telling you who you can be friends with
telling you who you can or can not date
watching the time it takes you to go to the store and back
wanting to know where you are going everytime she hears the door open
checking your eyes for dilation for drug use
walking into your room unannounced
making you clean up after your 14 yr old brother
dictating the type of music you listen to or the hobbies you have
telling you how to spend your money (other than helping out)
telling you what you are allowed to own or not own
taking things from your room as a punishment, believing everything in the house belongs to her regardless of you paid for it
tell you how often, which days and what time of day, you're allowed to shower and tell you're not allowed to shower at school to make up for it
Check your pockets, shoes, bra and book bag for non-approved items you might be trying to leave the house with
If she doesn't do these things, you have it easier than I ever did.
One of the wierdest moments I remember was when I was 16. It was 3 or 4 in the afternoon and I had finally finished all my chores that I'd started doing went I woke up. Both my parents were napping so I was essentially free until they woke up to give more to do. I took a blanket and book out to the woods, about 50 yards from the house. I laid down in a sunny breezy, peaceful spot, read and nodded off. I woke a few minutes later and went in to go to the bathroom. I was outside for about an hour. While I was in there, I heard my father pull into the yard and come in, slamming the door behind him. He was screaming and yelling for me. I yelled (so that he could hear me, not disrespectfully) that I was in the bathroom. I was standing washing my hands when both my parents barreled down the stairs and about busted the door in, screaming at me that I had better not be taking a shower. I had no idea what was going on. I hurried and rushed out, confused. (remembering moments where my mother busted in the door and drug me off the toilet by my hair for not going fast enough for her or for going to the bathroom without her permission while I was washing the dishes.) "Where WERE you!" I told them. My father smirking because he already knew where I was as he had seen the blanket from the road. "What were you doing out there?" Reading. "If all you were doing was reading, why didn't you answer me when I yelled for you." I didn't hear you. I had fallen asleep. "Yeah, right. We know what you were up to so you had better come clean now." "I wasn't doing anything." They drug me out to look at the blanket and could clearly see the book. They looked around for "evidence," of what I didn't know yet. They looked at my eyes to see if I had been doing drugs and my mother made me give her my underwear to look for semen. Then they started screaming at me and slapping my face as I denied the accusations that I was doing drugs and sleeping with one of the neighbor boys (all three years or more younger than I was). I pointed out how stupid it would be to be sleeping with little boys or doing drugs because I could be seen by anyone driving by on the road let alone walked up on by either parents or siblings quite easily. Finally they threatened to take me to the hospital for tests. I then finally got back in their faces and dared them to. I said that it sure would look funny when all the tests came back negative and I had welts all over my face. I wondered what questions they'd have for THEM at that point.
We never went to the hospital. I was grounded for the summer, which since I wasn't allowed to go anywhere except work anyway, it really made no difference. Now I was just denied the occasional trip into sunlight and heaped on with more chores. My parents told me I was grounded for going outside without permission and for being mouthy, and because they "knew" I was up to no good.
My work job, by the way, was a job where my mother and sister worked...so they could keep an eye on me in case I dared even laugh at some boys joke (I'm very serious about that) with a boss who was my mothers friend who had been brain washed into believing I was evil. (She told me later about it.)
Another time I sat bottle feeing my baby brother while watching my other slightly older brother. He wanted me to play house with him and wanted me to pretend to be the mom. I knew how my mother would react to that so I told him I wasn't his mother and didn't even want to pretend. He insisted and I got mad. I took him to the window overlooking the back yard where my mother was hanging out with my sister. "See that woman...SHE is your mother." I took him to the window overlooking the front yard where my father played catch with the oldest brother. "See that man...HE is your father. I am you sister. Just your sister. Nothing else." I sat back down to burp the baby and cried realizing that I essentially was their mother. And I wasn't allowed the freedom to even go out and enjoy the sunshine because I had to stay in to care of the boys all the time.
1. Why are you on this forum when you should be in school? I am on summer break. I finished my first semester of college a week ago. My job doesn't start till the first week of June.
2. What was the altercation you had between you and your mother that caused you to feel the need to reach out here? What happened? Has their been a recent change in your home or your mothers finaces?
No recent change really. The altercation was her yelling and screaming at me that she was going to put a block on the internet at night and she was going to shut off all the cell phones if I didn't go to bed when she told me. And then she typed up a rules list for me and gave it to me.
Is you mother...
telling what clothes to wear or not wear -No but unless I bought it myself she would have to approve.
telling you who you can be friends with - yes
telling you who you can or can not date - yes
watching the time it takes you to go to the store and back -idk
wanting to know where you are going everytime she hears the door open -yes, I can be going upstairs and she'll ask "where are you going?"
checking your eyes for dilation for drug use - she threatens drug test all the time
walking into your room unannounced -yes
making you clean up after your 14 yr old brother -yes
dictating the type of music you listen to or the hobbies you have -no
telling you how to spend your money (other than helping out) -yes
telling you what you are allowed to own or not own -yes
taking things from your room as a punishment, believing everything in the house belongs to her regardless of you paid for it -yes
tell you how often, which days and what time of day, you're allowed to shower and tell you're not allowed to shower at school to make up for it yes, Im not allowed to show after certain times and they can only be a certain amount of time.
Check your pockets, shoes, bra and book bag for non-approved items you might be trying to leave the house with -a few instances she has
The more you argue with people who 1) have no control over your situation whatsoever, and 2) are trying to explain the simple reality of your situation to you, the more I get the impression you need supervision more than you suspect you do. Which makes you no different from about 98% of teenagers, of course. But if there's any solace, life usually gets a lot better once you hit your mid-20s.
My mom once went through my closet when I was about 15. I had taken a babysitting class during that previous summer and inside the kit I got were latex gloves and in tiny baggie. She HAD to have been searching my room because that wasn't out in the open. She brought the baggie to me and accusingly asked "what is this?"...I pulled the gloves out said "gloves" and walked off.
At 13 I was still getting used to tweezing my eyebrows and of course I never could do them right they always ended up thin. One day I was having stomach issues and didn't want to use the bathroom off the main all because there were people over so I used hers and was in there for a bit. Later that night, at my schools talent show my mom was ( who stills loves to pick at my appearance) was pointing out girls who's eyebrows she approved of, loudly. Then she accused me of shaving my eyebrows, she told me that was why I was in the bathroom so long...then loudly and accusingly asked where else I shaved..assuming I was shaving places besides my armpits and legs.
I was once accused of selling the toilet paper for drug money.
Also at 13, she emptied my bathroom of everything telling me I had to earn it back. (I took what I needed back when she wasnt looking.)
She's read my text messages a few times. Read my emails.
Once emptied my room of everything I was younger than 13 at the time.
My friend texted me and asked if I wanted to go sit in her hot tub with her. My mom asked me if this was to go meet up with boys for sex. This was one was pretty recent, like 6ish months ago recent.
She still always ask him if I am on something when I don't feel good or have a headache.
The more you argue with people who 1) have no control over your situation whatsoever, and 2) are trying to explain the simple reality of your situation to you, the more I get the impression you need supervision more than you suspect you do. Which makes you no different from about 98% of teenagers, of course. But if there's any solace, life usually gets a lot better once you hit your mid-20s.
I know you guys can't help and I know the simple reality of the situation.
But hey im optimistic and feel there is a solution and a way to fix everything or a way to make a situation better. I guess I am desperately searching for a solution. My whole life I said I never wanted a parent like how my mom is now and I couldn't ever fathom how I would cope and Ive found the answer..I can't cope, I can't live by her rules.
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