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A few years ago, we realized that we were spoiling our kids with material stuff and so were our parents. We talked to them (just 4 & 7 at the time). They didn't completely "get it", but they are gradually getting it now. It takes determination, and it's okay if you slip up from time to time.
We donate a lot to Goodwill. Some of the their very special toys that they have outgrown go into boxes for "their" kids. Some stuff goes high on a shelf.
They get a lot less too now. When our parents send the $$ they always do, we use it in different ways. For Christmas and Birthdays, they get a gift and the rest of the money gets set aside. We use the money to do things... like going to the zoo, aquarium, amusement parks, etc. We generally have enough to have lunch there and go into the gift shop. They each get something, but not everything they want. We see most kid's movies that come out in the theater. We had to do something... our parents (and grandmothers) even send money for things like St Patrick's Day!
We do have a rule in our house that if you can't keep your toys picked up, then you have too much. Sometimes, they'll come to us now with toys they don't use and ask if they can donate them to church, Goodwill or give them to friends. We're having a yard sale next weekend and they are both having to be held back from selling everything they own! Of course, that's because we've taught them that both "stuff" and "doing stuff" costs money. The more money we have on hand, the more fun things we can do!
Some of their money is put into a savings account that is not touched. Some of it is kept track of by a post it in my wallet... the money they earn themselves. They are allowed to spend it (within limits), but are "directed" by us in the stores. They are slowly getting the concept of saving up for something they REALLY want... like that toy that cost $40, but I think is a waste and a piece of junk? It's only something they understand if they've been allowed to make that mistake. My son (now 9) learned that lesson HARD after saving up his money and spending it all on a $50 toy... then learning it didn't do in RL what it could do in the commercials. He was warned, but had to learn that lesson on his own. Now, he asks me if I think it's worth it and we go through what his expectations of it are and what he wants to do with it.
Our kids don't get an allowance... we tried it for awhile, but the entitlement they were showing was too much (And who in the world gets paid just for existing? Not anyone in MY world!). Now we use a "bead" system... I think I culled it from various places and personalized it. Instead of $$, they earn beads. They each have a glass jar with their name on it on the mantel. They each have 2 assigned chores each day, weekends off. In order to earn their daily beads, their bedroom floors must be clear of toys at bedtime and all dirty clothes must be in the hamper and they have to complete their 2 chores. Doing "extra" work can earn you extra beads (for instance, we're getting ready for a big move. helping me without complaint for 1 hour the other day earned my son 10 beads). They are allowed to "pay" each other for work completed with their beads (the boy often pays his younger sister 1 to 2 beads to bring his dirty clothes downstairs) ... each child has a separate color so it's easy to see who has done what and for whom. (And mom or dad have to pre-approve bead payments so we can verify that it's fair... offering her 1 bead to do one of his daily chores is fair. Asking her to pay him 15 if he reads her a story is not).
They can cash their beads in at any time... 30 beads gets you $7. 100 beads = dinner out with the family at THEIR choice of restaurant (they can combine beads for this one). 15 beads is a one on one board game or craft time - their choice of project. 25 beads gets you out of bedtime and doing your chores for an entire day, while still earning beads for doing them. The list is pretty long... and anything they ask for can be added/negotiated.
It can take awhile to find what works for you and your kids. Good luck!
Thanks for all the well meaning responses. The thing is this: she has tons of stuff, she likes stuff, I buy things for her but a lot of it is gifts, etc., she just doesn't want to part with any of it. She doesn't want to donate it. She has American Girl dolls, I don't have a problem with that. They are expensive, she knows that she has to take care of them and she does. My mother bought her those dolls. I don't interfere with that since my mom loves to make her grandkids happy and what 6 year old doesn't want an AG doll? So fine. She saw this sleeping stuffed animal mehanical puppy. It is $30, there is no way I am going to get it for her, and I let her know that. She just keeps begging for it and I keep saying no. When I say no, I really do mean it, and I don't back down. We don't do allowance yet, we were thinking of starting it, but I'm not sure how to go about it. There are a few different philosophies on it, I'm just not sure.
I guess it's so frustrating since I have two kids at two different developmental stages, boy and girl. I feel like my house is overrun with their crap, and they (she) continues to ask for more stuff. And honestly, she doesn't watch commercial tv.
But I just refuse to believe they are spoiled. I just want a little more appreciation for what she. I just want her to go to Target and say, nah, I don't need anything... is that asking too much??
I think that part of what we went through that helped the most was having them EARN money. It's a LOT easier to my kids to spend $5 if it's mom's money, but if it's THEIRS, it's harder. When we go into Walmart, they see lots of stuff they want.
This year, after Christmas, I gave them each a large amount of $$ ($75 for one (his bday is days after Xmas), $55 for the other) leftover from what was sent by various relatives and took them on an all day shopping spree. We went EVERYWHERE. They couldn't decide what to buy and they were told we could go ANYWHERE to shop. My daughter has wanted a certain Barbie for awhile... lots of accessories, totally overpriced. I purposely didn't get it for her for Christmas, I wanted her to buy it herself. Nope... she didn't want to spend $45 on ONE item. But she's okay with ME buying it.
I don't interfere with that since my mom loves to make her grandkids happy and what 6 year old doesn't want an AG doll?
You are equating happiness with things maybe that is where your daughter gets it from. Tell grandma that instead of buying things for your daughter she can take her to fun places.
How does a 6yo know what an AG doll is versus a cheap Target doll? I have never seen a commercial myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandycat
But I just refuse to believe they are spoiled.
Why? If they are spoiled they are. Hiding your head under the sand will not make them any less spoiled. My dd was spoiled she had way too many toys. Not expensive toys but too many. We no longer give anything she doesn't earn.
You remind me of a friend of mine who was bilingual and spoke only English to her kids. She would say they'll pick up Spanish eventually. Well the kids do not speak Spanish because nobody taught them. Same thing happens with anything in life. You want your dd to be a certain way but you do not want to teach her. It is not going to come from her. Kids are self centered by nature.
You are equating happiness with things maybe that is where your daughter gets it from. Tell grandma that instead of buying things for your daughter she can take her to fun places.
How does a 6yo know what an AG doll is versus a cheap Target doll? I have never seen a commercial myself.
Why? If they are spoiled they are. Hiding your head under the sand will not make them any less spoiled. My dd was spoiled she had way too many toys. Not expensive toys but too many. We no longer give anything she doesn't earn.
You remind me of a friend of mine who was bilingual and spoke only English to her kids. She would say they'll pick up Spanish eventually. Well the kids do not speak Spanish because nobody taught them. Same thing happens with anything in life. You want your dd to be a certain way but you do not want to teach her. It is not going to come from her. Kids are self centered by nature.
Well if you read my other posts you will see that I do try to teach my kids about the bigger things in life, caring for others, people come before things, etc. My mom doesn't live in the same state as us and also she is pretty much handicapped and would be unable to take her places (she has horrible arthritis and it's hard for her to get around). When she does visit, they play games, get on the computer together, and those sorts of things. My mom just really enjoys doing that sort of thing. It's not like I refuse to believe they are spoiled, I just don't really think they are and I would admit it if they are. She just turned 6 this week, my son is only 2 and a half. So developmental age has something to do with it of course. I just get annoyed with her sometimes, and I'm wondering if I should be that annoyed.
From reading all the suggestions and your responses, it honestly sounds like you want them to "get it" without you doing any of the work or changing of habits. I don't want to sound harsh but how can you expect her to change her attitude if you're not willing to? That's what a lot of parenting is, modeling your behavior in the best interest of your child. Even if it is hard or inconvenient.
No please be harsh, it's fine with me. I do want them to get it, you're right, but I don't see how allowing my mom to buy her American Girl dolls makes her greedy and selfish. Really I want to know what I'm doing wrong. I know I'm doing some things right, I have great, smart, happy kids. I'm not shy to point out their bad behavior.
There is nothing wrong with allowing occasional indulgences. The key is "occasional"....I understand your mom gets pleasure from buying her things that she wants but if that pleasure is limited to say one per year or instead of new dolls, the occasional accessory instead. Make it special rather than expected. And not just expensive stuff. The same goes for little things at Target. Don't buy her stuff just because you went. The occasional surprise is much more long lasting than the whole thing of mom just went to Target so what do I get?.....Again, I would say look at your own attitudes/behaviors also...Yes, you understand and are trying to teach her that there are less fortunate people but do you buy yourselves every latest gadget as soon as it comes out or do you practice delayed gratification or discuss in front of your child things that you would like but need or choose to put off purchasing? Are your own handbags, shoes, cars, phones etc reflecting only the best and are replaced as soon as they are not the latest and greatest? Lots to think about but you are certainly on the right path in being aware and concerned. Good luck to you.
Thanks Maciesmom, I get what you're saying. Funny, I'm so not like what you're saying, maybe it came off differently. It's hard when you are trying to talk through message boards and you think that people just get you and they don't. My handbags are not the latest or greatest, I have only a few pairs of shoes, my car isn't the one I wanted. I wanted a van, but my husband convinced me to get a Focus. I love my car by the way, but I really wanted a van... didn't get it. We have a decent house, not great, but better than average I think. I get it, I understand, and I think after all this, I realize that I'm in the ballpark of where I want to be and should be with her. I expect intrinsic motivation to be giving, selfless etc., and it just isn't realistic, but with guidance I think she'll get there. Wr're on the right track, I think. Thanks!
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