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I guess my real question is, if the step-mother knows that it's an issue for me, shouldn't she respect my position as the child's father and spend time with him on her own and not include the other person?
This person obviously does not respect you. Here is the deal you son is old enough to decide if he wants to go or not. Leave it up to him. You can explain to him you feelings and maybe he will see it your way. Do not insult her just tell him how you are hurt. Maybe he just wants to go because they buy him stuff. This will pass and he will see her for who she is soon enough.
I think many are missing the point.
I don't mind the step-parent seeing the child and I do in fact encourage it.
But what exactly is the point of them needing to include the new person in their lives into the equation?
I try very hard as a parent to screen those who would have influence over my child. I approve his schools, teachers, friends, etc. If there is someone I don't want him to be influenced by, Ishould have the right to make a change.
But now it seems as though his FORMER step-mother feels it is her right to insert someone into his life without my consent.
I guess my real question is, if the step-mother knows that it's an issue for me, shouldn't she respect my position as the child's father and spend time with him on her own and not include the other person?
So...........she had no respect for you when she left you unexpectedly for another person. And you think that she is going to have respect for you now? Alternately, you have a strange definition of respect.
At any rate, the plot will continue to thicken and more will be added in and, therefore, I'm out.
Should this be as real as it gets: If you sleep with the dogs then you wake up with fleas.
Just Tuesday we burried my "former" stepmomma. She and my father have been divorced for more than 10 years. She was my stepmomma from age 5 until about 15. Yeah.... she had other men in her life. Her fiancee knew her only a few months before her diganosis with cancer. This man was very much a part of her life..... to have been exculded from her life when he was with her, I would have excluded myself from the last days of her life.
I also have a son who is 15. I know the need to monitor everything he does and who he sees. But seriously...... if you try to micro manage a teenager they will be just as sneaky as you are controlling. The teenage years is when you see if your parenting has worked or not.
If this child want so have his former stepmomma in his life, then the more you fight it (using the new beau as reasoning) the more this child will fight for his right to choose his own friends. What kind of school events is she bringing this man to? Ball games? This sounds like a date to see a special boy play..... school play/talent show.... date to support a friend in their preformance.... etc....
My son hasn't had any school activities where it would be inappropriate for a former step parent to attend, with the exception of parent teacher conferences and driver's ed consultation.
Look at it this way... this woman (motherly or not) was an influence on this child's life for as long as he can remember...... are you willing to cut her out of his life just because she has moved on in her personal life? Granted, if this man has exhibited any negative behavior or has been convicted of any crimes towards children, then that is a different story. If it is because you are jealous that she has a new beau and that she wants to share her love of your son with new boyfriend, then you need to step out of your son's way... let him decide.
I miss my stepmomma tremendously. She is the one who taught me that you could love someone even if you weren't blood kin. I now have two stepchildren of my own. I love them with all my heart. It is not easy to be a PARENT to another woman's children. There are always undercurrents and people questioning your motives. But just because she doesn't want to be married to you any longer doesn't mean she doesn't have strong feeling for a child she has had in her life for 10 years.
I would give anything to be able to see my stepmomma again.
Imagine that you have a child from a first marriage. That marriage ends and you have a second marriage that begins when the child from your first marriage is only 3 years old.
Your second marriage lasts 10 years or so and then ends when your spouse leaves you unexpectedly for another person.
The step-parent has no relationship to your child from your first marriage other than the step-parenting relationship.
The step-parent now wants to, not only, spend time with the child but they feel strongly about introducing the person from their new relationship to the child.
Every time the step-parent arranges for time to be spent with the child, it is spent with the person from the new relationship as well. The step-parent even insists on bringing the new person to your child's school activities and asserting themselves as an influence on your child
How should I feel about it and why?
You should feel VERY skeptical since he disposed of your former relationship like a throw-a-way toy...and...you should be untrusting of him that he might walk out of your childs life again rendering more emotional turmoil on your child. If he wants a child in his life, then he should think about marrying his present g/f and raising his own family. If you allow him and his g/f to come into your lives, you are inviting confusion for your child especially . If you want some male influence in your childs life, you should consider either a direct family member or attend PWP (Parents without Partners) Organization where single Parents and thier kids can meet and interact with other single Parents with their kids ; oftentimes, the Adults end up dating , marrying, and blending thier families. Just be very cautious if you get to this point and weigh up the entire situation with all people concerned. Being a Single Parent is a difficult job and I have a great deal of respect for the challenges they face. Take care.
Couple of questions, I'm sorry if I missed the information if you posted it. How long has the interest in seeing the step been going on now? Was it since the separation or did it have some other initiation?
I try very hard as a parent to screen those who would have influence over my child. I approve his schools, teachers, friends, etc. If there is someone I don't want him to be influenced by, I should have the right to make a change.
I can understand providing a good school, but needing your approval for friends is a little controlling for a 15 year old. It would be more appropriate to let him pick his own friends. Mistakes may be made, but that is how they learn. If he is picking druggies for friends, you have bigger issues going on in your home. Exerting control over friendships never works and will cause resentment.
As far as the step mother, if your son wants to see her then let him. He is 15 years old, not a small child. You never mentioned abuse, therefore this does not appear to be an issue. The step mother's initial interest may wane after time if she is not sincere in wanting this relationship to continue. Your son is old enough to know whether she cares for him or not.
And what exactly is her "friend" doing that is a bad influence for your son? What is your fear? Why shouldn't she go to dinner with your son and her friend? I don't get it.
I have no doubt you are trying to be a good parent. I just think it's possible that you may be making too much of things and bringing your pain into this thing between your son, the step mother and her friend.
I guess my real question is, if the step-mother knows that it's an issue for me, shouldn't she respect my position as the child's father and spend time with him on her own and not include the other person?
'
Just Tuesday we burried my "former" stepmomma. She and my father have been divorced for more than 10 years. She was my stepmomma from age 5 until about 15. Yeah.... she had other men in her life. Her fiancee knew her only a few months before her diganosis with cancer. This man was very much a part of her life..... to have been exculded from her life when he was with her, I would have excluded myself from the last days of her life.
I also have a son who is 15. I know the need to monitor everything he does and who he sees. But seriously...... if you try to micro manage a teenager they will be just as sneaky as you are controlling. The teenage years is when you see if your parenting has worked or not.
If this child want so have his former stepmomma in his life, then the more you fight it (using the new beau as reasoning) the more this child will fight for his right to choose his own friends. What kind of school events is she bringing this man to? Ball games? This sounds like a date to see a special boy play..... school play/talent show.... date to support a friend in their preformance.... etc....
My son hasn't had any school activities where it would be inappropriate for a former step parent to attend, with the exception of parent teacher conferences and driver's ed consultation.
Look at it this way... this woman (motherly or not) was an influence on this child's life for as long as he can remember...... are you willing to cut her out of his life just because she has moved on in her personal life? Granted, if this man has exhibited any negative behavior or has been convicted of any crimes towards children, then that is a different story. If it is because you are jealous that she has a new beau and that she wants to share her love of your son with new boyfriend, then you need to step out of your son's way... let him decide.
I miss my stepmomma tremendously. She is the one who taught me that you could love someone even if you weren't blood kin. I now have two stepchildren of my own. I love them with all my heart. It is not easy to be a PARENT to another woman's children. There are always undercurrents and people questioning your motives. But just because she doesn't want to be married to you any longer doesn't mean she doesn't have strong feeling for a child she has had in her life for 10 years.
I would give anything to be able to see my stepmomma again.
I am not looking to deny my son his right to see his stepmother.
I don't understand why she feels the need to include her new boyfriend in the interaction.
If she wants to see my son, shouldn't she see focus her attention on being with my son?
If I said that the new boyfriend was a drug dealer or pornographer or didn't share my religious beliefs, you'd all be in agreement. What's the difference?
When a particular teacher at his school started telling him that all gay people were going to hell, I moved him from that class. The teacher wasn't selling drugs, or beating him. They were influencing him in a manner not consistent with they way in which I as a parent would have him influenced.
If I, as a parent, don't want someone in my child's life, shouldn't I have the right to say so.
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