seeds of doubt---sorry long.... (day care, spank, play, son)

[Lab P A R T N E R]

Originally Posted by findinghope

i was at the bank with my son (3) and in his usual fashion, asked for a lollipop and then went on his way to walk around the bank ignoring my calls because he knows i dont want him to get away from me. he went to sit in one of the managers office and commenced to play at their computer.
the bank is very freindly toward us for different reasons and kind of lets him be.
i was talking to 2 of the tellers and as my son walked away on his tiptoes, i said, "like talking to the wall" meaning how he ignored the fact that i was calling him. he is VERY independant and loves to walk around cause he doesnt understand danger as much as i would like.

Originally Posted by findinghope

yes it is a problem, he actually sits there and doesnt touch it but pretends he is "working"....
i have a hard time keeping him to holding my hand, he just pulls away from me. unless he is in a food cart, i have no way of restaining him. i have tried harnesses, but he pulls hard and it looks like i am walking a dog---cant stand that and worry that he is hurting himself in the process....

Originally Posted by findinghope

yes of course i tell him those things are not acceptable. but obviously i do it when we leave. i cant let his behavior keep me from doing the things i need to do---like banking and shopping. .

Oh, yes you can. Obviously your method isn't working.

Originally Posted by findinghope

, i will probably not bring him in there anymore, an although its a big pain, i am starting to think maybe i should change banks. i might sound petty, but my heart is sunk and i feel like i cant face these people without this bad memory

You have a LOT of growing up to do before you can do justice by your son. He needs to be controlled when in public and you are who needs to do the controlling. No child has any business roaming a bank like that or any other place of business.

Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf

Also - I would nip your son's "not listening" behavior in the bud ASAP. That needs to stop. It sounds like he's getting away with a lot and controlling you when it's YOU that needs to be in control. Walking into the bank manager's office and playing on a computer is inappropriate behavior and should not be allowed. He needs to be taught how to behave respectfully in different situations. It might just simply be disrespectful behavior that the bank teller lady saw and interpreted as possible signs of autism. I know it's hard to say NO to our kids and it's hard to be firm and mean it and make them behave - especially if they are strong-willed and pitch a fit when we mean it... but that's our job and if we don't do it when they're young, it's only going to get worse as they get older.

If he looks forward to the lollipop everytime he gets to go to the bank with you, you can tell him that he can have the lollipop AFTER, IF he stays right by you and behaves himself while you do your banking. You hold the lollipop when you go into the bank, and remind him "You can have it if you stay right by me and behave." If he walks off or misbehaves, throw the lollipop away. If he behaves himself - he gets it after you guys leave the bank. It might take a few times for him to realize you mean business, but he will learn.

Great suggestion. He will only get worse as he gets older if he isn't brought into compliance with rules now.

[LovingSAT]

Originally Posted by findinghope

yes of course i tell him those things are not acceptable. but obviously i do it when we leave. i cant let his behavior keep me from doing the things i need to do---like banking and shopping. i do however use the drivethrough whenever possible---sometimes it's just not feasable.

Just my thoughts, what a bank teller tells me about my child means nothing to me. I have a doctor and if I can not trust in the doctor I will get another doctor.

Second - Just my two cents, do not correct him when you leave, correct him before you walk in. Little Timmy we are going to the bank and I expect you to stay by me at all times. You need to listen to me and do what I say, we wont be long. When he begins to misbehave, not listen, you gently remind him of what your expectations are. If he does not behave (hard as it may be) you leave and go home!

This reminder should be given before entering any establishment, friends home, parties... until the child knows how to behave without being reminded. You will know when that is.

Not meaning to be harsh but you may benefit from parenting classes, that is not a right or a wrong just what may work for you. Parenting is very difficult, consistency is a wonderful tool.

[LovingSAT]

Originally Posted by findinghope

i want to thank you all. i just keep reading different web sites about the signs of autism, and i just dont see it in my son...except for the tiptoe thing.
i will go and talk to his doctor again and maybe get him evaluated by a professional. but something strikes me as odd, that all of a sudden kids are either ad/hd or autistic...aren't there any "just normal" kids anymore?
as for the bank, i will probably not bring him in there anymore, an although its a big pain, i am starting to think maybe i should change banks. i might sound petty, but my heart is sunk and i feel like i cant face these people without this bad memory

Dont you think that is a bit much and perhaps an inconvenience? I would not even think twice about it. Nor would I mention it, unless of course she brought it up. And if she did I would tell her that your child is fine and in the future she might want to keep her medical opinions to herself until she received her medical degree .

And do not "not" take your child there anymore, teach your child appropriate behaviors. Speak to him like I suggested and tell him what is expected. If he does not behave you tell him he did not follow your instructions and he will have a time out when you go home. The minute you go home he must sit on his bed for two minutes.

[findinghope]

thanks everyone again. i have had a couple of days now to get through all of this in my head. and i realize i let this woman who knows nothing about my son, who has seen him for minutes at a time, make me doubt myself an my son.
i am a very practical person and not the type to deny things just because it is easier....i face things head on. if i had even thought that something was wrong with him, i would have been the first one to say it and get help.

his doctors and teachers and myself and husband have never had any reason to suspect that DS might have autism, and yet when this woman said it, it did something to me inside. i cried for a couple of days, didnt sleep, thinking, how could i have missed such a thing?

no more. i know my son is fine, i know he has tantrums when he doesnt get his way, and we try very hard to get him to behave. he has gotten better over the past couple of months and rasing a child is an ongoing process. he is going to push the limits, and we will rein him in. that is the game. they grow and we grow with them

this incident has reafirmed that i love my son more than anything in this world---no matter what he may or may not have

[haggardhouseelf]

Have you heard of PAT? My husband and I were involved with the PAT program when our kids were little. We learned so much and made some good friends, too! Here's a website - Parents as Teachers

[veuvegirl]

Originally Posted by beanandpumpkin

I'd ignore the bank teller; if you've never thought before now that he might have a problem, chances are slim to none that he does have a problem.

This, however, I find a problem:



I'm sorry, but allowing your son to walk around the bank and play with someone's computer (!) is unacceptable. Next time, hold his hand, or leave your place in line to go grab your kid. What if he broke the computer or crashed their system??

LOL, that's what I thought this thread was going to be about, the teller getting upset about the lack of discipline.

[flik_becky]

Originally Posted by findinghope

hi everyone,
i am really upset because someone has planted a seed of doubt in my brain that wont go away!!
i was at the bank with my son (3) and in his usual fashion, asked for a lollipop and then went on his way to walk around the bank ignoring my calls because he knows i dont want him to get away from me. he went to sit in one of the managers office and commenced to play at their computer.
the bank is very freindly toward us for different reasons and kind of lets him be.
i was talking to 2 of the tellers and as my son walked away on his tiptoes, i said, "like talking to the wall" meaning how he ignored the fact that i was calling him. he is VERY independant and loves to walk around cause he doesnt understand danger as much as i would like.
one teller says to me "he walk on his tiptoes?" i said yes, we cant seem to make him stop...

she gives a look to the teller next to her who gives her a meaningful nod and the first teller says to me "please dont be mad, but i want to say something". i already knew what was coming cause they both became very serious, and teller 1 has a son with autism.
she basically told me that my son has displayed familiar traits and that i should just get him checked out. the younger you know the better, she said. she even gave me her cell # in case i needed anything. i have seen her son once, and yes i noticed right away that something was off and that he was probably autistic. but he was older --(6-8) and so maybe this is just a progression of the disability.

now, being kind of in a public place and knowing what was coming, i just said thank you, asked when her son was diagnosed (age 2) and then just went on my way calmly as i could and without trying to offend her.
i almost fainted on my way home, my heart was POUNDNG so hard.
i tried to stay as calm as i could around my son, who asked to watch a movie when we got home....

i started to pace thinking what can i do?? so without acting like what i percieve as complete lunacy by driving him directly to the doctor, i called her office and asked to have the nurse call me back.

when she finally called i basically broke down crying and explaind what happened. the first words out of the nurse's mouth were "NO NO NO!!"
he had just been in last friday cause of an ear infection, and has been in quite a lot because he started school last month and has started to get sick more often due to new germs---so these people have seen my son in action.
he also just recently had his 3 year old evaluation to see how he is progressing and the nurse proceeded to remind me of how high he scored on everything. she told me what this woman did to me was cruel and to please not worry, go give my son a hug and that he was fine.--that they would have seen something during his visits.

my poor son, seeing me break down got worried and came over to ask what was wrong and asked for daddy...lol

so of course i want desperately to believe the medical professionals who tell me they have seen NOTHING that points to him having any sort of autism.
but for some reason this mother who knows what it is first hand---but who has only seen my son 3 or 4 times has had me looking at and nitpicking my son's behaviors.:
he ignores me when i want him to stop doing things that he wants to continue doing, he drives me up the wall every day, he walks on tiptoes, loves to wrestle me to the ground, will talk all day if you dont ask him to be quiet once in a while---but actual conversation, no gibberish and no repeating. and until today looked to me like the typical pain in the neck little boy. he loves people and kids, is very social and not shy at all----like i wish he would be sometimes.

is there something that is mom is seeing that i am not??

Oh my goodness hunny! If I could hug you right now I'd squeeze you real tight! I know what you are going through! Everyone does this with my 3 year old and did with my first child too.

The one thing that jumps off the page is that "the nurse proceeded to remind me of how high he scored on everything" combined with the independence and little quirks. I know some are sick of me saying it but you may be interested in check out some things on gifted kids. They do this type of stuff too. It's insane on the parent. I feel like the bank teller saying the same thing though, but I hope you see that my point is that ANYONE could say it about ANYTHING. It could just be normal for your child. It could be something else. But don't think for a moment that there is anything wrong with him. If it is true that he is gifted, then it does make it a lot easier to brush everyone else off.

I am VERY strict about their behavior in public and so I never had to deal with this in public but it was very hard work to get it that way, and lots of "divide and conquer" on our parts. One would watch the kids and the other go to the store or divide the kids up for various errands. Even the time is pretty strict, have to be well rested, not hungry, have gone potty, no sugar, ect before we even set foot in the store. AND we make a lot of eye contact and talk to them so that they want to be engaged with us. In check out, they put the stuff on the belt, they bag and carry the groceries out, of course with my help but the point is, I keep them very busy. At the bank, they can not have their sucker unless they have behaved for the visit. It builds anticipation. Also, talking to the teller, or whoever-whereever, in a way that makes them address the child as well makes the child feel pretty important. They want to stand there and chat their ear off.

[sskkc]

A lot of people are quick to want a medical diagnosis these days when the real problem is a simple lack of discipline.

Kids need fewer drugs and more spankings.

[mom2justynsarah]

My son walked on his tippy toes from age 1-8. As it turned out, his tendons were too short, and he needed surgery to lengthen them. He is now 10, and even after the surgeries, he still needs to stretch to make sure they don't tighten up.

Also, my son had a hard time concentrating in school. He was forgetting his homework daily, not remembering things, had a hard time getting motivated, and had vocal tics. Some of my friends were telling me he may have Tourettes Syndrome.

So I took him to a well known Pediatric Neurologist. He immediately ruled out Tourettes. Instead, my son was put on A.D.D. (Attention Deficit Disorder) medications. In a matter of weeks, he was pulling A's in school instead of F's.

I think people talk too much and have no right to pass judgement on your child. If you really have a concern, I would make an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist (who specializes in Autism). Also, I would contact your local autism support group. You will be able to talk to parents with autistic children about your concerns.

The most important thing is for you to be your child's strongest advocate!

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

The most important thing is for you to be your child's strongest advocate!

Absolutely! So often it seems that doctors miss things or are not proactive in referring to specialists. If YOU think there is a reason for concern, don't quit until you get a diagnosis from a professional.