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Now that makes sense to me. You take it one at a time. If you don't want any, that's perfect for you, and makes sense not to have any! The grass is greener thing of the OP, however, does not make sense to me. Nor does getting to 5 kids before realizing how hard children are.
I was thinking about this, and was going to mention "the grass is always greener". Even though I am a little jealous of the freedom my childless friends have, I'm sure some of them are jealous of me and my beautiful kids. I can daydream about not having kids, but in reality, I wouldn't change it.
Yeah, I originally thought I would want 5, but after #2 it occurred to me that with quantity, quality would suffer. I stopped there and I'm a very happy parent with 2 incredible kids who are almost out of the nest. I'm sad now that I don't have more because of that, but then again with more I might not have enjoyed parenting as much. And, I'm really looking forward to traveling and only having to pay for 2 airline tickets!
You aren't alone. I once read a book called "What Children?" and they quoted some polls that basically asked parents, "Not saying you don't love your children but if you had to do it over again, you would have children again?"
Most of the people said no and when I say mostly...it was more like 60-40 sometimes...70-30 one time.
I don't have children (thank goodness) and will never have them.
I was thinking about this, and was going to mention "the grass is always greener". Even though I am a little jealous of the freedom my childless friends have, I'm sure some of them are jealous of me and my beautiful kids. I can daydream about not having kids, but in reality, I wouldn't change it.
I have a college friend whose dh & her decided to not start a family. They go on weekend getaways, nice restaurants, can fix/repair something in their home in a day or two instead of 10 days b/c you have to wait until the kids are sleeping; outside; occupied.
But she has mentioned how trying it gets to hear "Why don't you have any kids" as if it is a requirement! She has spent years justifying why she didn't want children & some days, it really gets to her...not that she doesn't have children, but that she has to constantly jusify it at this stage.
Like many others, some days are real pity parties & I want quiet; I want a vacation where I can SIT; I don't want to cut food into endless pieces & then pick 50% of it off the floor;I don't want to pay $30 for a pair of shoes that last 6 months; pay way too much for diapers...the list goes on.
No, at this time, I don't regret having children but I also think that is b/c I went into it with the right mindset. Not everyone does, as the OP.
But we all make our choices in life & there comes a time when you have to stop blaming your parents for those choices & realize that you made them, not your mom. It's sad for the OP more than anything. I know a mom such as her & that is a mindset I don't wish on anyone. THe OP has her struggles & hopefully, in time, some joy will be found in her children.
Geez people, who ever said no anything about telling a kid that their parent feels they would have a better life if said kid had never been born. No one said to make it personal. You people really have a comprehension problem. My mom never said which ones of us she wishes weren't born (though there is one I'm sure that crosses the entire family's collective mind), just that she thinks she would have been happier with fewer kids. She never did name one of us.
You people are just overly sensitive and personalize this a bit too much. Speaking in general terms, it's not hateful, damaging, or wrong to tell your kids "follow my example and don't do what I did. Don't overwhelm yourself." In other words, once you think you've reached your limit, STOP! Even if it means having none, one, or ten.
You people have to grow a thicker skin.
No; I don't have to grow a thicker skin, and I still don't understand what would drive you to strong arm your mother into admitting she had gotten in over her head with child-rearing. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Wasn't your personal experience enough to prove to you that family life is difficult? Were you and your siblings really that oblivious?
I'm not in any kind of denial about how hard motherhood can be nor was I before I had kids. I don't look back upon my childhood with rose-colored glasses. I can remember lots of tough times without my parents' confirmation that it wasn't all Kodak moments. After all, I lived through it, too.
Last edited by formercalifornian; 07-16-2009 at 09:03 AM..
But she has mentioned how trying it gets to hear "Why don't you have any kids" as if it is a requirement! She has spent years justifying why she didn't want children & some days, it really gets to her...not that she doesn't have children, but that she has to constantly jusify it at this stage.
I don't get why people take it so personally that some of us just have NO desire to have kids. At a party recently, I had to defend myself for about a half hour about this. I am used to it now. The incredulous looks, the confusion and the RAGE that people have about has become amusing to me.
For some, there is just not a tolerant attitude about this and I don't get why? I completely support people who want to be parents. I think it's one of the hardest jobs in the world.
I don't get why people take it so personally that some of us just have NO desire to have kids. At a party recently, I had to defend myself for about a half hour about this. I am used to it now. The incredulous looks, the confusion and the RAGE that people have about has become amusing to me.
For some, there is just not a tolerant attitude about this and I don't get why? I completely support people who want to be parents. I think it's one of the hardest jobs in the world.
I don't get it either. It's kind of like the pressure to get married. People think there is something wrong w/you if you don't want to do it. To each his own and if someone can butt up against that pressure to marry and/or have children and say "I'm not doing it just b/c 'society' wants me to" I think that shows a lot of self assurance and is impressive. Many people no doubt give in just to satisfy others, not themselves.
You aren't alone. I once read a book called "What Children?" and they quoted some polls that basically asked parents, "Not saying you don't love your children but if you had to do it over again, you would have children again?"
Most of the people said no and when I say mostly...it was more like 60-40 sometimes...70-30 one time.
I don't have children (thank goodness) and will never have them.
I find that very hard to believe and would like to see that study first hand. Who did they ask--mostly unwed teenage mothers in poverty?
Geez people, who ever said no anything about telling a kid that their parent feels they would have a better life if said kid had never been born. No one said to make it personal. You people really have a comprehension problem. My mom never said which ones of us she wishes weren't born (though there is one I'm sure that crosses the entire family's collective mind), just that she thinks she would have been happier with fewer kids. She never did name one of us.
You people are just overly sensitive and personalize this a bit too much. Speaking in general terms, it's not hateful, damaging, or wrong to tell your kids "follow my example and don't do what I did. Don't overwhelm yourself." In other words, once you think you've reached your limit, STOP! Even if it means having none, one, or ten.
You people have to grow a thicker skin.
I don't think it makes sense to say "don't do what I did" when it comes to having kids. Some people are well equipped to handle 6 kids and others aren't (I'm not!). It's the individual. The best advice is to listen to your own gut and take it one at a time.
I don't understand why you'd tell your kids you should have had fewer. I just don't see the upside to that. So YOUR mom did't like having as many. That doesn't mean one of her kids won't. It's not about "thick skin" it's about not meaning much--it's her experience based on who she is, not on who others are. I do agree with you to stop at your own limit though.
Well, all "truths" don't need to be said to all people. Even though it doesn't make logical sense, I think most people, even adults, deep-down would interpret this as "rejection" even though maybe it isn't personal. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting kids know that parenthood is hard work and not all roses, but when we insinuate to our kids that maybe we would have been happier had they never been born, I think a line is crossed.
My own mother crossed that line... Since I was a child, I knew that my mother would have preferred not having children. She never stopped to think like we do here, how a child would internalize that. Wonderful selfishness
I guess that single thing stemmed all that followed. My distancing from her, my moving on the other side of the Earth. Her needing confirmation that she's the greatest mother in the world, her needing adoration... Therefore, alternatively hurting, putting guilt trips, begging, striking again...
It's amazing how people who didn't want children, or didn't love them much, insist on and need their grown children's love.
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