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"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
---- Theodore M. Hesburgh
If their father is not doing that, he is failing as a father, and has no useful place in the home.
I love that quote, but I think that's a bit much to say a father has no useful place in the home if he can't do that. I would agree that he is failing as a father but he can still contribute in some ways to the healthy development of his kids.
I remember wishing my parents would get a divorce as young as 5 yrs old. Silly to think a 5 yr old would want or even know what divorce was but we could not stand the constant arguing and fighting. They finally did divorce when I was 17 but by then I was out of the house and it didn't matter to me.
The only thing that really bugged me after they got the divorce was the constant talking to me about how bad the other one was. They were both idiots who didn't like each other, had kids too early and then stayed in a bad marriage too long.
So even if you do leave don't tell the kids what a bad father or husband he was or anything like that, because if it is true they either know it already or will find out in their own time and it is better that way rather than hearing it from you.
From what's been shared here... it sounds like the husbands in question have some anger issues.
Yes, probably among other things as well!
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It's so hard for men as husbands and father's to feel like strong providers right now, in this economy. They want to feel like they are providing a good and happy life for their family, but times are bad... times are uncertain. This causes panic and anxiety in the hearts of men.
First, I had the impression from the OP that this has been going on for a long time, well before the start of this bad economy.
Second, no matter what someone feels, he/she needs to be responsible and mature enough to deal with their own feelings/emotions in a way that does not cause them to harm someone else emotionally, physically, etc. If he/she doesn't know how to constructively deal with his/her own feelings/emotions, then it is still their own responsibility to seek help! It is NEVER okay to use one's own feelings/emotions - or the lack of managing them - as a free pass to abuse someone else!
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In a very surprising sort of way, their outbursts of anger and verbal and emotional abuse probably has a lot to do with them feeling like a failure (even if they are not), or feeling like they aren't able to adequately protect or provide for their families (even if they are). It's a very scary thing, trying to be a dad these days.
While this is good insight into what could be going on, I would still refer to what I said previously.
Again, it sounds to me like this has been going on a long time though, which means this is not necessarily a reflection of the current state of the economy and more about lifelong learned behaviors that really need to be addressed. And lifelong learned behaviors take a great amount of insight, learning, and work on the part of the person to change - not to mention the willingness to change in the first place.
It has been going on for a long time. Many times I almost left. Before I got pregnant - then I found out I was pregnant and wanted a dad for my child. Before I got preg a second time - again, felt stressed by the pregnancy and thought of going though a break up at THAT time. Then when the kids were little - but i was afraid of him coming along and taking them away for weekends and not feeding him and goodness knows what else! Many times he has driven me to despair and back. He's nuts.
It has been going on for a long time. Many times I almost left. Before I got pregnant - then I found out I was pregnant and wanted a dad for my child. Before I got preg a second time - again, felt stressed by the pregnancy and thought of going though a break up at THAT time. Then when the kids were little - but i was afraid of him coming along and taking them away for weekends and not feeding him and goodness knows what else! Many times he has driven me to despair and back. He's nuts.
I feel for you because you've gone through this for such a long time. While no one can tell you what you should do, and while I do believe you will always find people with opinions on both sides of the issue, I do believe you deserve to be happy. Define for yourself what happiness is and try to seek it. Your husband will either be with you on that journey to happiness because his definition of happiness aligns with yours or he won't. If the husband won't acknowledge that there are problems and/or put in the effort to work towards change because he values the marriage and the family, then it will be up to you to make a change.
The fact that your daughter has told you to divorce him should be a big wake up call. The marriage is the foundation for the family unit. When the foundation is not stable, the entire family unit is not stable. If you're not happy and if the husband has driven you into despair on many occasions, then chances are that he's done the same to the kids. On some level you want out and perhaps the kids do too. Since they are older now, you could probably even talk to them individually about it if you wanted to.
I spent 17 years in a household with parents who shouldn't have been together. It was horrible. Not only were they bi!chy to each other, they were angry most of the time in general because of it. The entire house was disfunctional.
Maybe more adults should really put some thought into how this situation is for the children.
I spent 17 years in a household with parents who shouldn't have been together. It was horrible. Not only were they bi!chy to each other, they were angry most of the time in general because of it. The entire house was disfunctional.
Maybe more adults should really put some thought into how this situation is for the children.
Staying in a marriage "for the kids" is NOT really helping your children.
It's hurting them.
Your relationship with your spouse is supposed to teach your children how a relationship between two people should work. They will grow up WORSE OFF if you stay together when your not happy.
LEAVE ALREADY!!
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Originally Posted by jtur88
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
---- Theodore M. Hesburgh
If their father is not doing that, he is failing as a father, and has no useful place in the home.
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Originally Posted by charz
When I was 12, I screamed (after dad had stormed out after one of his tirades), "I can't live like this anymore!" Mom said, "I can't either". We packed up and left. My life was much better after that.
I had a friend in my 20's whose parents were equally unhappy but stayed together "for the kids". She once told me I was lucky because my nightmare stopped and hers never did.
From the kids' perspective, I'll tell you this: You aren't helping them by staying in a miserable marriage. You are allowing your children to be miserable, too. If you do choose to stay, don't tell the kids that you are doing it for them. They don't need to be blamed for your decision.
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Originally Posted by molochai2580
As a child with a mother who stayed in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship "for the kids", I can tell you that the children are suffering. My "family" nightmare ended when I was 16, but in those 16 years, my adopted father not only emotionally/verbally abused my mother, but also myself. I felt guilty for years because she told me that the reason she stayed with him was because of us kids. I figured that somehow it was all my fault. It took years to get over this and luckily my husband is a very caring person who has helped me through most of it.
I would say leave your husband as soon as possible...... for yourself and for your kids.
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Originally Posted by skahar
I remember wishing my parents would get a divorce as young as 5 yrs old. Silly to think a 5 yr old would want or even know what divorce was but we could not stand the constant arguing and fighting. They finally did divorce when I was 17 but by then I was out of the house and it didn't matter to me.
The only thing that really bugged me after they got the divorce was the constant talking to me about how bad the other one was. They were both idiots who didn't like each other, had kids too early and then stayed in a bad marriage too long.
So even if you do leave don't tell the kids what a bad father or husband he was or anything like that, because if it is true they either know it already or will find out in their own time and it is better that way rather than hearing it from you.
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Originally Posted by misplaced1
I spent 17 years in a household with parents who shouldn't have been together. It was horrible. Not only were they bi!chy to each other, they were angry most of the time in general because of it. The entire house was disfunctional.
Maybe more adults should really put some thought into how this situation is for the children.
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Originally Posted by TakeAhike
Same here. It seems like this is 'widespread'.
Please...for the love of your children stop it now!
My parents didn't divorce until I was 21.....at 47 I'm still mad at them for not ending things sooner.
Staying together for the children is so very very wrong for them. And you.
Thank you everyone for your advice. I just want to do the right thing. You have all helped me decide that I must leave. It won't be straight away, but I am preparing, when the time comes and he kicks off, well I will be gone. I really wish I had left when the children were young, but I honestly, didn't want my hubby taking them away from me for weekend access or holidays and not knowing what he was doing - not that he would beat them (he would never do that) just he is not very practical, can't cook and is really like a lost puppy most of the time. Trouble is, I felt sorry for this puppy so many times - but this puppy really has sharp teeth and a weird way of showing he loves the people closedt to him. I am too soft. Feel sorry for him - what about ME?!!! What about my children? Need to start being selfish. Ignore those puppy eyes and those tears that make me feel sorry for him - when I know he will neve really change.
You're not being selfish if you are doing what you feel is best for your children.
I still think that talking with a counselor or therapist would be good. You shouldn't just listen to people on an online forum. We can all be here for each other as a place for sharing experiences and ideas and that sort of thing, but you need support in your real, offline, life. A counselor/therapist/support group can help you more than online forums can.
If your kids attend public school, the district should have resources available to you. If you have medical insurance, there should be some kind of mental health benefit. Depending on your income, there are also more resources available to you through your city, county, and state. There are also programs through universities and colleges that can help with pro-bono services. Your family doctor can also be a good person to talk to and can help point you in a good direction. You can feel safe talking to doctor's because of the strict patient/doctor privacy laws.
You might, if you haven't already, try to get a P.O. Box, and open up a bank account in only your name and start putting money away in it. Have your statements sent to your P.O. Box so your husband doesn't know about it. When you do the shopping, if you can, take out an extra $10 cash (if you pay for your groceries with the debit card) and put that into your account. Shred the grocery receipts so he can't see that you are doing that. Get a credit card only in your name and have it sent to the P.O. Box as well. Don't use it. Just keep it for emergencies, or for when you actually leave. You might not need it, but just in case. Go to the public library and establish a new email address to use for all online correspondence that relates to your leaving. Don't assume that he's not tracking what you're doing online. Use the library computers when you need to do something that relates to leaving. Chances are your home computer isn't private or safe from him.
Men can be vicious and cruel when they feel that they've lost control over their wives, or that they are simply losing their wives. I've seen it happen. Make sure you have a safety net in place, and a real group of people for support. Even though your kids are older, it's still going to be tough.
Best of luck to you. And I hope he isn't reading this!!
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