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I have been with my "SO" for about 10 years. He has a 15-year old daughter who lives with her mom & step-dad. She's a really good kid, but lazy. This is manifesting itself in her weight and now her grades.
When she is with us, I try to get her to exercise and have bought teenage diet books to encourage her to eat the right things. As soon as she gets back home, it all goes out the window. And if that's not bad enough, we find out this late in the school year, she's failing math. Whenever she has a special project at school, she brings it to me, knowing I'll spend the entire weekend helping her, if that's what it takes. She tells me her mom & step-dad won't help her with homework, which I believe - her mom is one of those "it's all about me" people and the step-dad, who barely sees his own kids, is too strict with her about the wrong things and obviously neither is enforcing the right things.
I realize there's only so much I can do, seeing her only twice a month, but how can I get my boyfriend to tell his ex to get off her a** and get this kid motivated. I'm going to insist she spend the summer with us and hire a math tutor, but come fall, if things don't change, she'll be failing something else. Being a teenager, she doesn't realize how critical these classes are to get into a decent college, and if she doesn't do something about her weight now, it will be a harder battle later to lose it and become a serious health problem.
(The ex is the same woman I posted about in the pets section who let their poor dog become obese.)
I'm so frustrated. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Is there any chance of Mom letting her live full-time with you? If she's such a me-first person, it may be easier than you think to get custody. Unless she's attached to the child support money, of course. I commend you for spending time with her when even her real mother doesn't--and I believe the child that makes that type of accusation. I honestly have no words of wisdom for you, other than to keep on keepin' on. You really do have an influence on her and I'm sure some of it is getting through to her. I would love to be a fly on the wall at her mom's house--I'm sure you get brought up!
I have been with my "SO" for about 10 years. He has a 15-year old daughter who lives with her mom & step-dad. She's a really good kid, but lazy. This is manifesting itself in her weight and now her grades.
When she is with us, I try to get her to exercise and have bought teenage diet books to encourage her to eat the right things. As soon as she gets back home, it all goes out the window. And if that's not bad enough, we find out this late in the school year, she's failing math. Whenever she has a special project at school, she brings it to me, knowing I'll spend the entire weekend helping her, if that's what it takes. She tells me her mom & step-dad won't help her with homework, which I believe - her mom is one of those "it's all about me" people and the step-dad, who barely sees his own kids, is too strict with her about the wrong things and obviously neither is enforcing the right things.
I realize there's only so much I can do, seeing her only twice a month, but how can I get my boyfriend to tell his ex to get off her a** and get this kid motivated. I'm going to insist she spend the summer with us and hire a math tutor, but come fall, if things don't change, she'll be failing something else. Being a teenager, she doesn't realize how critical these classes are to get into a decent college, and if she doesn't do something about her weight now, it will be a harder battle later to lose it and become a serious health problem.
(The ex is the same woman I posted about in the pets section who let their poor dog become obese.)
I'm so frustrated. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Sunshinegirl,
Personally, I don't think there is anything you can do about what happens while she is not in your home. There is nothing you can do to get your boyfriend to tell his ex off and even if he did, it wouldn't help. I think what this girl needs is a little more unconditional love and support from everybody-- including you. It's tough being 15. It's even tougher being 15 from a broken home with parents that don't agree, going from house to house, and having a step-mother that doesn't like your mother and constantly pressures you about your weight and how you are failing at school. (I'm not saying that's how it is, but from what you've described I'm betting it's a real possibility that it is HER reality.) By bringing up her weight to her and buying her diet books, you are just making her more self-consious. Kids make everything about them. And to her, that's just one more thing that's not good enough about her. I say give this poor girl a break. I know your intentions are good and it is admirable you have such an interest in this girl that is not your biological child. But, there is only so much you can control. Hopefully, she will be able to stay with you for the summer. That will give you a chance to teach by example. (Only have healthy food in the house, go for family walks, swims, etc.) Praise her for the good she does and she'll want to do more. Criticize her for not being good enough and she'll never want to try to be anything more.
I think you are doing all that you can already. I think offering to take her for the summer and hiring a tutor is a great idea, or perhaps there are some math classes/math camp she might be willing to attend over the summer, that your SO could offer to pay for.
Hi Sunshinegirl,
It's tough being 15. It's even tougher being 15 from a broken home with parents that don't agree, going from house to house, and having a step-mother that doesn't like your mother and constantly pressures you about your weight and how you are failing at school. (I'm not saying that's how it is, but from what you've described I'm betting it's a real possibility that it is HER reality.) By bringing up her weight to her and buying her diet books, you are just making her more self-consious. Kids make everything about them. And to her, that's just one more thing that's not good enough about her. I say give this poor girl a break.
Good luck. I hope it works out for all you of.
That's part of the problem, I think. We all DO get along nobody wants to rock the boat. I've always tried to be her friend, (she has enough parents already,) "suggest" instead of criticizing, and always praise her for her accomplishments. I never thought that she would be taking what I think of as help & support in that way. Thanks for the insight, I guess I've forgotten how awful life can seem at 15. But when she goes for that 4th piece of toast in the morning or leaves her math book on the bus, it's hard to bite my tongue!
Our getting custody is not an option & her mom doesn't need the $$, but, believe me, I've thought about it.
That's part of the problem, I think. We all DO get along nobody wants to rock the boat. I've always tried to be her friend, (she has enough parents already,) "suggest" instead of criticizing, and always praise her for her accomplishments. I never thought that she would be taking what I think of as help & support in that way. Thanks for the insight, I guess I've forgotten how awful life can seem at 15. But when she goes for that 4th piece of toast in the morning or leaves her math book on the bus, it's hard to bite my tongue!
Our getting custody is not an option & her mom doesn't need the $$, but, believe me, I've thought about it.
Thanks, again, everybody.
I'm glad to see you care about your step daughter as you do. As a step daughter myself I can tell you my experience was not so great, I refer to mine as my stepmonster (and believe me that is a term of endearment for her...besides I wasn't allowed to use the "b" word at 15...LOL).
As far as her weight and study habits go...the best thing you can do is to model healthy eating and activity when she's with you and explain the health benefits of proper nutrition and exercise, then leave it alone. If math is hard and she's frustrated about it "forgetting" her book is probably just an avoidance tactic to alleviate her stress about it, she may not even be aware she's doing it. Getting her the tutor would be great and it could raise her comfort level and alleviate her stress about the subject and improve her overall school attitude. So you are on the right track.
Be sure to be Switzerland when she complains about her mom and stepdad....you don't really know how much of what she says is embellished and if you blindly take her side you could start problems. Teens are great at parent bashing for attention, so don't be surprised if she isn't complaining about you to her mom...they do this often!
If you continue to let her know you care and are there for her, she will get lots out of your relationship and that's the best thing you can do for her. Also if she really wanted to live with you and has expressed that, any court would give her the ability to choose which parent to live with at her age. But again if she hasn't brought it up to you home is probably not as bad as she's making it out to be. Good luck.
I feel for you girl step-parenting isn't the easiest job in the world..to do Most divorced mother don't want to have the adsentee dad telling her what to do. I give you lots and lots of credit for working so hard on her home work. If you are going to be the biggest helper you might have your husband ask the ex if you can help his daughter for a few hours aweek. But leave the weight alone. That's a cross only the teenager can deal with when she is ready,
And most kids that age are lazy. You just make a game out of it and see if she will join in. Give her chores to do and then give her a present of somesort until she gets in her own groove.
Good Luck
Rita
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshinegirl
I need some advice, please.
I have been with my "SO" for about 10 years. He has a 15-year old daughter who And moslives with her mom & step-dad. She's a really good kid, but lazy. This is manifesting itself in her weight and now her grades.
When she is with us, I try to get her to exercise and have bought teenage diet books to encourage her to eat the right things. As soon as she gets back home, it all goes out the window. And if that's not bad enough, we find out this late in the school year, she's failing math. Whenever she has a special project at school, she brings it to me, knowing I'll spend the entire weekend helping her, if that's what it takes. She tells me her mom & step-dad won't help her with homework, which I believe - her mom is one of those "it's all about me" people and the step-dad, who barely sees his own kids, is too strict with her about the wrong things and obviously neither is enforcing the right things.
I realize there's only so much I can do, seeing her only twice a month, but how can I get my boyfriend to tell his ex to get off her a** and get this kid motivated. I'm going to insist she spend the summer with us and hire a math tutor, but come fall, if things don't change, she'll be failing something else. Being a teenager, she doesn't realize how critical these classes are to get into a decent college, and if she doesn't do something about her weight now, it will be a harder battle later to lose it and become a serious health problem.
(The ex is the same woman I posted about in the pets section who let their poor dog become obese.)
I'm so frustrated. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Maybe when you see her, send her home with "low fat" snacks packs so she can have something to eat at home that is appropriate. Call it a care package, like you send to college kids.
The grades are more concerning and your husband should talk to her school about her grades directly himself and get her a tutor if necessary.
Well, she's been here a few weeks. She's enrolled at Sylvan and I am taking her with me to fitness classes. She has a list of chores, which she is paid to do, but can't "remember" to do them, even though they're on the fridge door. I have threatened to bring the TV remotes to work with me if her studying isn't done & she's watching TV instead.
Her grades are worse than we were led to believe. A couple of friends with teenagers think she's failing school & gaining weight on purpose to get attention from her mother. These problems and this decline in self-esteem DID seem to begin when her mother remarried. Could this be the underlying reason?
............ These problems and this decline in self-esteem DID seem to begin when her mother remarried. Could this be the underlying reason?
Everything OK at home? She's safe?
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