Will my daughter ever love me again? (party, teens, divorced)
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My daughter hates me!!! She thinks I am horriable because I did not get back with her dad after I divorced my second husband. Her father and I were very young when we married and had her. We simply were not compatiable. She was two when we seperated so all was well for many years. Then I meet my second husband when she was five. We were together for eight years when I discovered that he was in love/slept with his best friends wife. So yes, I divorced again!!! My daughter 14 at that time wanted me all to her self or back with her dad. When I started dating again she then started to change!!! She told her friends at school that I am a *****. She only meet one that I dated who was my high school sweet heart. She hated him from the moment she meet him. She pooed that relationship!!! She then turned on me and wanted to live with her dad. She pushed the issue that I was left with not choice but to let her live with her dad at the age of 15. Year an half later she refuses to talk to me or my parents her grandparents. My parents tend to quiz her of her actions, so she does not like. She will not return my messages at all. I am now re-married to an amazing man "my soul mate". He is in the military. I have always had OCD and we are very structured. She is a child with a need for being the center of attention to all. The tom boy that is very Beautiful and she knows it!!! In to the drag racing with her dad who can do no wrong. She has had several boyfriends herself. UUGGHHHH How do I get her to love me again. OH yeah her dad and my ex purposly hang out and bash me!!!! You know the one that cheated on me with his best friends wife. But no I'm the lier he couldn't have ever done that. I was the mom who had her in every activity that she wanted while they were never around. But they reap all the benefits WHY WHY WHY???
My daughter hates me!!! She thinks I am horriable because I did not get back with her dad after I divorced my second husband. Her father and I were very young when we married and had her. We simply were not compatiable. She was two when we seperated so all was well for many years. Then I meet my second husband when she was five. We were together for eight years when I discovered that he was in love/slept with his best friends wife. So yes, I divorced again!!! My daughter 14 at that time wanted me all to her self or back with her dad. When I started dating again she then started to change!!! She told her friends at school that I am a *****. She only meet one that I dated who was my high school sweet heart. She hated him from the moment she meet him. She pooed that relationship!!! She then turned on me and wanted to live with her dad. She pushed the issue that I was left with not choice but to let her live with her dad at the age of 15. Year an half later she refuses to talk to me or my parents her grandparents. My parents tend to quiz her of her actions, so she does not like. She will not return my messages at all. I am now re-married to an amazing man "my soul mate". He is in the military. I have always had OCD and we are very structured. She is a child with a need for being the center of attention to all. The tom boy that is very Beautiful and she knows it!!! In to the drag racing with her dad who can do no wrong. She has had several boyfriends herself. UUGGHHHH How do I get her to love me again. OH yeah her dad and my ex purposly hang out and bash me!!!! You know the one that cheated on me with his best friends wife. But no I'm the lier he couldn't have ever done that. I was the mom who had her in every activity that she wanted while they were never around. But they reap all the benefits WHY WHY WHY???
Well first off, see if you can stop working yourself up into such a tizzy. It's really not going to help anything.
Try and see it from your dd's POV. You went through two fathers before she was 14, and didn't stick with either of them (for whatever reason). You say she changed when you started dating again? I have to ask, what did you expect? She was terrified you were going to bring yet another man into the mix.. which is a lot of uncertainty and worry to live with when you're 14.
Then you went ahead and confirmed it all by finding yet another guy, that she hated, whom you then married. It looks to her like your main priorities in your life are men, and not her. You've also taken away the two men she grew up with. She's hurt. You'll probably need to give her a few years to get over it.
Instead of asking why, I would sit her down (when she'll talk to you) and apologize to her for making such a hash of everything, and that you'd like her to forgive you for not giving a hoot about how you've disrupted her life.
Perhaps hearing you say you're sorry will help to heal your relationship with her.
First and foremost, OP (I apologize first if this comes off harsh) I feel you need to stop acting like a martyr and take some responsibilty for your actions as a parent. It seems during the span of your child's life, you were more interested in finding the next husband than having a relationship with your daughter.
As a child who has been through divorce, forcing your child to accept your new partner will never win you points. I no longer speak to my father because of this and to be honest our relationship became so strained that I consider him to be an acquaintance than a father.
You stated that she is a child with a need to be center of attention. At this point in time, I am assuming from your time line she is 16 years old, her life is about her, school, friends and boyfriends. It may sound self centered but all teens don't want to be around their parents especially the ones they have the most friction with.
Also you are absorbed with the fact that your ex's hang out together. Take a step back and if you are married to the most wonderful man in the world, it shouldn't matter what your ex's do. You shouldn't let it bother you, its pointless, moot and again just shows your child you care more about the men in your life (previous or current) than your daughter.
If you want your relationship with your daughter to improve, do family therapy with just the two of you. Take interest in the things she likes and don't force her new step father on her. Let them build a relationship naturally.
I completely agree with FinsterRufus. I was once your daughter. My mom married and divorced twice and had many lovers (not saying this is your situation). I felt unloved and unwanted as she just worried about getting dates every weekend. She'll get over it IF you show her you love her. Not by "forcing" your love on her, but by showing interest in her activities. How about you show up to one of those drag races to watch it with her or watch her participate? Find out what about it she likes and get her some things that cater to that interest. Your relationship can be saved, but it will take time. Time heals all wounds. She will love you again, and I gather she's never stopped.
Just my opinion.
Well first off, see if you can stop working yourself up into such a tizzy. It's really not going to help anything.
Try and see it from your dd's POV. You went through two fathers before she was 14, and didn't stick with either of them (for whatever reason). You say she changed when you started dating again? I have to ask, what did you expect? She was terrified you were going to bring yet another man into the mix.. which is a lot of uncertainty and worry to live with when you're 14.
Then you went ahead and confirmed it all by finding yet another guy, that she hated, whom you then married. It looks to her like your main priorities in your life are men, and not her. You've also taken away the two men she grew up with. She's hurt. You'll probably need to give her a few years to get over it.
Instead of asking why, I would sit her down (when she'll talk to you) and apologize to her for making such a hash of everything, and that you'd like her to forgive you for not giving a hoot about how you've disrupted her life.
Perhaps hearing you say you're sorry will help to heal your relationship with her.
Now that you're stable and happy, you're concerned about how she feels? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it sounds like you were a bit self centered while she was younger; shopping for men and bringing them around. What people fail to understand is how much divorce affects children, and even into their adult lives. My parents have been divorced for like 20 years and I can't have them at the same birthday party or gathering...I had them both at my wedding and I stressed the whole time over it. There is so much that is affected by divorce...you have to put yourself in HER shoes; she should've been your priority from DAY 1. She didn't ask to be born; she didn't ask for a new daddy. You did that. You have to own what role you had and it appears that you are not prepared to do that yet.
She won't talk to you or "love" you if and until you decide that your actions are selfless and understanding. She won't return messages? Of course not-she's pissed and rightfully so. Just because you want the relationship now, and you're hurt b/c she hangs out with your ex (isn't that her father) doesn't mean she has to meet you on your terms. She's still a child for pete's sake.
Wish her the best, pray for her happiness, and be selfless. If she wants you in her life, she'll come around, if not, well then you always have your "soul mate".
Instead of asking why, I would sit her down (when she'll talk to you) and apologize to her for making such a hash of everything, and that you'd like her to forgive you for not giving a hoot about how you've disrupted her life.
I'm sure she loves you, she just doesn't like you very much right now.
Make sure she knows you are thinking about her. Send cards and letters for every occassion. Let her know you are proud of her. Let her know that you miss her. Once in a rare while, let her know that you think about the day when the two of you can look beyond what happened and develop e new relationship moving forward. Leave the door open for a response, but don't ask for one.
Above all - apologize, but don't ever ask for forgiveness. Foregiveness is not something that is requested, it is something that happens from the heart. That may take years.
INot by "forcing" your love on her, but by showing interest in her activities. How about you show up to one of those drag races to watch it with her or watch her participate?
Does she or her dad race? If so, contact their local racing association and find out a good place to get them appropriate racing equipment gift certificates. Or get them team T-shirts. It doesn't matter if her dad benefits from the gift too, your daughter will appreciate it.
If they are just fans, then find out her favorite driver and get her something. I'm sure the NHRA has a web site. Make sure it is a driver she likes, else it will come across as a lame attempt.
It may not be your interest - but it's hers.
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