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I am up fed up with this situation, and ready to call child protective services to see if something can be done about it.
The issue is with the relationship with my fiance's 14 year old daughter and her father. First off to me there is something extremely creepy about it. I've read and heard that girls bond better with their fathers than their mothers around this age so I understand BUT what is happening is a complete and total brainwashing. Her father and her grandmother constantly being negative around her, making up lies about us and their own family and pushing on her. And his influence over her is discusting, a couple of years ago he actually coaxed her into making things up and writing little notes and leaving them at school (he was trying to get custody of her)...well we ended up getting investigated by CPS, and after all that they recommened that she stay with us and that her father should get some parenting classes... just a recommendation , he never took the classes. We were told that the term for what he is doing to her is called "emotional incest" . He has her believing that we hate her and want nothing to do with her. We are quite the opposite but you can clearly see she doensn't like being at home with us. We actually have rules and chores for her, at her dad's she runs everything. No rules what so ever. Also during a conversation we all had she blamed her mother for the divorce (8 years ago) , and I said well your father struck her. Her reply was "daddy was having a bad day" ... unbelievable ! When her dad comes to pick her up she is like a nervous school girl on her first date, and the same if he calls her cell phone and she isn't able to answer. Speaking of phone calls , we have caught her up all hours of the night talking on her cell to him. All she talks about is what her and her "daddy" do , we've taken her on vacations and all kinds of things but she will find one negative thing and when he asks how it went she well say "I had a terrible time" Recently she spent some time with a relative and he kept trying to call her there. When he drops her off from his visitation, it's really gross.. they hang out in the truck for a while then she runs in and goes to the front door and waves like she will never see him again.
The sad thing is he does absolutley nothing for her, they only go where he want's to go , do only what he want's to do , etc... and she's fine with that, but at the same time she gives us attitude when we do something she doesn't like. He is currently unemployed (so am I) and has requested a reduction in the child support he pay's... I'm okay with that I understand but he uses is unemployment to get sympathy from her. Also he gets her for a few weeks in the summer well as soon as that's over he rushes to friend of the court to get a refund.. what kind of man does that ?! A refund for spending time with your daughter ?!? School is coming up and she needs new clothes , shoes and supplies .. that is what that money is for.
His influence is so strong over her that during this past school year while she was in track, we caught her skipping some practices and a couple of meets because they happened to be during the time she is normally with her dad. There was nothing stopping him from attending those functions ! After the first time we caught her we encouraged her to ask him to attend, her reply was he was busy.
The crazy thing is the guy actually tells her EVERYTHING , his internet dating, the friend of the court visits, the child support , finances etc. Being a teenager is a tough time she doens't need that added stress. He is using her as a way to get back at my fiance. He has complete and total control over her.. we have actually shown her physical proof on some he might have told her that wasn't right and she would say "that's not what daddy say's" ... totally brainwashed.
One of the saddest things was my fiance was going in for surgery on a thursday, wed. the daughter is with her dad. Well we get a call and she want's to spend the night instead of coming home , my fiance was like "wouldn't you like to spend some time with me before I go to the hospital?" and the reply she got was " you will be fine, daddy said so" It broke her heart. I am seeing the mother daughter relationship getting torn apart. My fiance is at her breaking point... ready to throw in the towel and tell her daughter to just go an live with him. I said you can't give up on her.. if you do she will never be right. She will end up like him closed minded, full of hatred and lonely.
I haven't even gotten started with some of the other things I find really disturbing, them holding hands (saw them in a store) , was told she sit's on his lap , camping for a week in a small pop up camper together.... maybe those things don't seem disturbing to some but all that coupled together with this wierd relationship is completely disturbing.
I ready to call CPS , start an investigation , whatever , something has to be done or she is going to grow up to be a woman that attracts controlling or abusive men and accepts it. Sh
I am also fed up , with the attitude she is giving us and just the all around animosity she has for anyone but her dad. Everything is stemming from his and his mothers negativity towards my fiance. The poor girl is getting stuck in the middle. Now she is not without a little blame, I can see she is manipulative as well, she definitley tries to play the symathy game as much as she can.. it's pretty obvious.
I've check out the CPS website and the info I see is pretty much directed towards physical abuse.... nothing with emotional , and it's so hard to actually prove. I'm not saying she can't love her father but at least be aware that he is trying to ruin the relationship with her mother and that growing up to be like him isn't going to benefit her at all.
1 do NOT call cps yet .... the tables can be turned on you and you get the evil eye look from the state ..( the kid will lie and protect her dad and make you out the danger you already know she plays mind games daddy style )
2 DO speak to her school counslur.. let them start watching AND let them make the call if they are upset with the issue
3 send her to live at her dads for the whole summer . tell him he has to supply the school stuff in Sept for the break in cs payments .. make it a court order and see what he wants then LOL when he cant gift her everything she wants or demands she will make him the bad guy ..
sure this is a sick deal for all involved BUT at this point the kid has everyone where she wants them nobody will win of course but putting it on her shoulders is the only way to get her to grow up right ..
We went through this with my daughter at about the same age. My ex (her dad) knew that she wanted a horse so he bought her one and then made me the bad mom because I wouldn't move it to the town we lived in and pay for the upkeep, food, vet bills, stall, etc to keep the thing. He had her convinced that he had to get rid of it because I was mean.
He would do all kinds of things to make me look bad. Don't worry. "dad" will show his true colors eventually. By the time she is 16 or 17 she will get the true picture. I agree with Faworki. Get in touch with the school conselor and get them on the case.
I agree the school counselor should be involved . My sisters ex used to take his daughter to look at horses and then tell her he could not afford what the ppl were asking he did this every weekend untill my sister put a stop to it . The daughter got mad at her mom and told her that she wanted to go live with her dad . So when push came to shove he told her she could not live with him because he and his new wifey had no room . So she got the picture about a yr later and so will your daughter . He the ex will show his true colors soon . I would most definately talk to the school counselor cause if he is typical daddy he will not even think about talking to the school counselor and then they will see the change and they will contact cps theirselves and you will have nothing to worry about .
Sounds like the dad is behaving in a rotten way, but he doesn't seem to be violating any known law. Calling CPS would be jumping the gun and he might try to retaliate somehow. More realistic would be to try and get a court order threatening him with losing visitation if he keeps up the 'parental alienation' strategy.
This is a textbook example of why divorce should ONLY be an option as a very last resort...
Since the incident were she was making things up and writing them down, she has been seeing the school councelor. It helps sort of and the counselor know's what is going on but in the summer time things seem to get worse.
We also did pull a 3 month trial period where she stayed with him .. and that is what sparked the whole making things up which eventually got us investigated by the CPS.
That whole "trial" period basically backfired on us.. she did not want to come back .. that is for sure.
I just don't understand how she feels like the sun rises and sets on her dad when he doesn't do a damn thing for her. When she goes over there all they do is stay up til all hours of the night, sleep in til noon and watch TV. Never takes her anywhere she want's to go.. she won't even ask.
I realize there really isn't any laws being broken but isn't ruining the well being of a child grounds for something ? The friend of the court see's what going on, so do the school counslers, and anyone that meets her but knowone will do anything. It's truly sad and I feel sorry for her and I also feel sorry for her dad , he is a pathetic mess.
I've got my fingers crossed that she eventually see's his true colors but it's been almost 4 years and it keeps getting worse. I don't think he's doing anything physically abusive (lord I hope not) but he is loving her the only way he know's how and just not realizing he's hurting her emotionally. It stems from his upbringing which was a total trainwreck.
This is a textbook example of why divorce should ONLY be an option as a very last resort...
Didn't you hear the part where the father had struck the mother? The divorce should have happened years earlier.
To the OP. I would not play the girl's game of "my daddy said...". Just tell her that she will see who is right when she is a grown up. Show no emotion towards any of her father's actions. If you suspect abuse report it if not let it go. Regarding phone calls, treat them as you would a call from any of her friends. No call after 9pm for example. Take her cell phone into your room at night so she can not use it. If the girl complains about rules and chores her mother should say it is my job as a parent to do this. When you become a mother you would do the same to your children. Any comments about no rules at daddy's house should be met with I am just doing my job. Never a negative comment about dad.
Didn't you hear the part where the father had struck the mother? The divorce should have happened years earlier.
To the OP. I would not play the girl's game of "my daddy said...". Just tell her that she will see who is right when she is a grown up. Show no emotion towards any of her father's actions. If you suspect abuse report it if not let it go. Regarding phone calls, treat them as you would a call from any of her friends. No call after 9pm for example. Take her cell phone into your room at night so she can not use it. If the girl complains about rules and chores her mother should say it is my job as a parent to do this. When you become a mother you would do the same to your children. Any comments about no rules at daddy's house should be met with I am just doing my job. Never a negative comment about dad.
Well ,
hearing some of these replies makes me feel better. Suzie, we are doing almost exactly what you recommended. It just doesn't seem like enough. Her mother to the best of my knowledge has not said a single bad thing about her dad in front of her.
I guess we are doing the best we can. Hopefully providing a good environment to live in, loving her and being there for her will make her eventually catch on to what is happening.
I didn't mention that even though she's 14 her emotional development level is more of an 10 or 11 year old. She is very immature. And actually has told us she doesn't want to grow up.. which coincides with a statement her dad made.. "I'm going to keep my little princess a little girl as long as I can"....
And actually has told us she doesn't want to grow up.. which coincides with a statement her dad made.. "I'm going to keep my little princess a little girl as long as I can"....
I know it's disgusting... that is why I'm just getting so fired up about this.
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