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Thanks for all the support and advice. I really appreciated it more than you know. We are moving at the end of the month and we are changing our cell phone numbers. However, we will have a computerized line that will be the same number as our land line we have had for the last 3 years. If she really needs to get a hold of us then she can contact that way and it will email a voice message to us. My facebook account is inactive for now. I plan on activating again once I am ready but I am not interested in seeing hearing about her out and about with him and her new mom at this point. LOL I just need to some time away. I will not be a door mat any longer.
Well is good to find a link, that is going thru what I'm faceing with my daughter now. She left before she turn 18, because she wanted to be with her boyfriend, for 6months she was with him living in hotels.. At the end he call me back to move back home, in need of a change, and supposlly she had broken up with him. I took her back, make her finished her HS and graduated, well as soon that happened she lie to me one night and When on and spend 2 nights out at her boyfriend house again. Well I explain to her, that once again I can't have her doing this, she still live at home and she has to fallow rules.. I don't care if she is almost 18 or 21, beside that this boy has cost her to loose her job, have problems with law and her family.. He don't work, has gone to jail, and live at his grandma house. Has to depend on his dad for transportation because he don't even have a car. And that is why she lost her 2 jobs I had help her to get. I'm so frustrated because she has become another child, rude desrispectfull, no manners ect. Well last night she call me crying because the boys family kick her out and her best friend was not able to let her come to her house either. And it broke my hearth to listen to this, but at same time she has 2 other little sister that live home, and what they see is that her older sister gets to do whatever she want and still we let her come back and be rude and desrispectfull to us, me and her step-dad. I told her, this is what I been trying to bring x to her about this boy and his family, that he don't care for her, he takes her bit of money she comes x, and she still love him and don't dump him to the curve. Unfurtunally she has gotten 3 opportunities from us to turn around and think about her and what is best for her, but she always end up with his looser ass. At this point I feel sad and yes stressful because I know what he is going thru, but untill I get a very true apology from her, that this time she will fallow rules, be a good role model to her sisters, and respect my now husband. She is gonna have to go thru her own experience. It brakes my hearth but I'm so tierd of all this.. And I ask her is she broke up with him when she call me but got no answer back, so this tells me that if I do get her back she will still continue the relationship, and also might still want to come and go when ever she please. Help!! Please.. Desperate
Okay Maggie....you asked for you. You want help, here's help. Don't be an soft idiot. You've got 2 other kids watching and learning. You tell your daughter, "You made your bed, you lay in it girly. I love you, but I refuse to continue to enable you or to let you take from the rest of the kids. Good luck to you. I suggest you start filling out those job applications again."
Good luck. It isn't easy. It's one of the toughest things you ever have to face as a parent, but it's BS when they think they can just ********* over. At what point do you finally get to stop sacrificing everything and everyone one, just for their ridiculous selfishness? Make a decision Maggie....seriously, or you might end up doing the same thing with the younger ones.
Mag35gie --- once a child is 18 and legally an adult, you're very limited in what you can do. You have to accept that you no longer have control over the child but you still do have control over your home and family.
If this "adult" wants to remain living in your home, it must be by your rules -- what ever those rules might be. It is your home to control, not hers. Her only right is to actually grow up and make it on her own, but as long as she wants to be a guest living in your house, she must remember that it is your home, your rules. You have to be very firm on this.
And she cannot live in your home unless she's working, going to college -- or whatever rule you have for guests allowed to stay in your home. If coming and going is not one of your rules -- then she has a choice to make if she wants to stay there.
Parents must make the rules for their home -- and often the rules the parents make are how they see the "adult" child is using their home. It's completely up to the parents how their household runs. If you want lights out and doors locked by a certain time, she absolutely must respect that. If she is foolish enough to give the looser of a boyfriend her money, it may be time for you to tell her she must start paying rent. It would be better for you to take the money and either use it for household expenses like the electric bill or even save it for her in a bank account and you could use it later down the road to give to her.
18 is legally an adult but a lot of people aren't really mature and ready to make it on their own -- but at the same time, that doesn't mean you give up your position in your own home and let them start making all the rules for it.
One of the things that irritates me to no end, is reading these posts where the adult kids move out, then are given the "free pass" to come back to the safety nest. Okay, getting the occasional "free pass"....that's not the terrible issue. The terrible issue is when they're such ungrateful, disrespectful brats about it!!!! Some of these brat kids think they can get off with living in two different dimensions. In one dimension, they think they should be able to live like little kids, not contributing to the work or expenses of the household. In the second dimension, they think they should be able to talk to their parents in the same way that they talk to their ENEMIES in the outside world, come and go as they please, even as far as just disappearing at a moment's whim, to stay out for days at a time, never checking in with the "responsible" adults in the home.
Many of us have been there with our adult kids and had to face off with them. Hey, they might take off and not talk to you for six months, after you've had it out with them. Believe it or not, that's totally survivable. LOL Especially when you have other kids at home, it is VITAL that you show them ALL that those rules are always there and that you will NOT tolerate those rules being spit on! If you can not follow the rules and respect your elders, you will suck it up and live elsewhere!
So many households these days are raising children who have learned to whine, weasel, and push over their parents. That does not work in the REAL world! We are raising children who can not jump through the hoops necessary to hold down jobs or maintain relationships. We're raising people who ONLY do what they want to do, not what they NEED to do. They've gotten away with manipulating others for their entire lives. They've had at least ONE parent who has covered for them, lied for them, "made things a little easier" for them, and they're WEAK and unable to survive on their own.
They've got these ridiculous delusions going on in their heads, that they're so smart, because they've been able to manipulate their loved ones (parents/grandparents/aunts & uncles/cousins/friends) into making their lives easier and it's destroying their ability to make it on their own. They get away with saying, "But I don't know HOOOOOW........!!" Someone always steps in and does things for them. STOP IT!!!!! Follow up their cries with, "I'll TELL you how"...or "Here, here's the Internet, look it up and find out HOW."....or..."I'll show you how, but you're going to do it yourself!" Good grief people, we need to stop DOING things for our kids and start making them do for themselves! We need to make them problem solvers, not manipulative, helpless little morons.
One of the things that irritates me to no end, is reading these posts where the adult kids move out, then are given the "free pass" to come back to the safety nest. Okay, getting the occasional "free pass"....that's not the terrible issue. The terrible issue is when they're such ungrateful, disrespectful brats about it!!!! Some of these brat kids think they can get off with living in two different dimensions. In one dimension, they think they should be able to live like little kids, not contributing to the work or expenses of the household. In the second dimension, they think they should be able to talk to their parents in the same way that they talk to their ENEMIES in the outside world, come and go as they please, even as far as just disappearing at a moment's whim, to stay out for days at a time, never checking in with the "responsible" adults in the home.
Many of us have been there with our adult kids and had to face off with them. Hey, they might take off and not talk to you for six months, after you've had it out with them. Believe it or not, that's totally survivable. LOL Especially when you have other kids at home, it is VITAL that you show them ALL that those rules are always there and that you will NOT tolerate those rules being spit on! If you can not follow the rules and respect your elders, you will suck it up and live elsewhere!
So many households these days are raising children who have learned to whine, weasel, and push over their parents. That does not work in the REAL world! We are raising children who can not jump through the hoops necessary to hold down jobs or maintain relationships. We're raising people who ONLY do what they want to do, not what they NEED to do. They've gotten away with manipulating others for their entire lives. They've had at least ONE parent who has covered for them, lied for them, "made things a little easier" for them, and they're WEAK and unable to survive on their own.
They've got these ridiculous delusions going on in their heads, that they're so smart, because they've been able to manipulate their loved ones (parents/grandparents/aunts & uncles/cousins/friends) into making their lives easier and it's destroying their ability to make it on their own. They get away with saying, "But I don't know HOOOOOW........!!" Someone always steps in and does things for them. STOP IT!!!!! Follow up their cries with, "I'll TELL you how"...or "Here, here's the Internet, look it up and find out HOW."....or..."I'll show you how, but you're going to do it yourself!" Good grief people, we need to stop DOING things for our kids and start making them do for themselves! We need to make them problem solvers, not manipulative, helpless little morons.
HALL OF FAME!
Oh, my, Mel. The part about kids learning to whine and weasel and push over their parents is SO full of wisdom and insight. Applause, applause, applause. Brava Beachmel!
STOP IT!!!!! Follow up their cries with, "I'll TELL you how"...or "Here, here's the Internet, look it up and find out HOW."....or..."I'll show you how, but you're going to do it yourself!" Good grief people, we need to stop DOING things for our kids and start making them do for themselves! We need to make them problem solvers, not manipulative, helpless little morons.
And this is best started when they are 18 months, not 18 years old.
Oh, my, Mel. The part about kids learning to whine and weasel and push over their parents is SO full of wisdom and insight. Applause, applause, applause. Brava Beachmel!
****bowing**** ....and speaking from experience. (((HUGS))) Thank you Dew!!!
Amen to that Somebody!
If only more parents could rehearse this saying, "That's awful! I feel terrble for you. I know it's hard. So what do you think you need to do about it in order to make things better?" As parents of adult children, we need to exercise the concept of, "This is not my problem. It is not my job to solve it. This is THEIR problem and THEY need to come up with the solution to it!"
The key is...teach them this concept when they are CHILDREN, so that they know how to solve their problems when they become adults! One of the best ways to teach them these lessons is to not rely on OUR parents. I have seen far too many parents who are raising children, but are still relying on their OWN parents to bail themselves out of situations they find themselves in. How are children supposed to grasp the concept of "independence" and "sacrifice", when their own parents are not modeling it for them?
If only more parents could rehearse this saying, "That's awful! I feel terrble for you. I know it's hard. So what do you think you need to do about it in order to make things better?" As parents of adult children, we need to exercise the concept of, "This is not my problem. It is not my job to solve it. This is THEIR problem and THEY need to come up with the solution to it!"
Many parents think it is their job to make it better whatever the it is. What they don't get is that that denies the child the opportunity to learn to make it better themselves.
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