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Hey everyone, I wanted to give you all an update. Well, we moved away to another city and it was a good time for healing and focusing on what we wanted for a change instead of always being lied to and feeling like nothing we did was ever good enough. Closer to the holidays we started talking again with my daughter. I felt the need to reach out because I was really sad not knowing how she was and also my sister started trying to connect with her even though I told her to stay out of it. That is another story though. We did not spend the holidays together, but she called for recipes and stuff because she cooked for her boyfriend and his dad. It seemed like things were getting better and she was calling often and then on my birthday she didn't even bother to say happy birthday even through facebook and it shows you when someone has a birthday. It did make me sad, even when she was typing on facebook that she was sorry. Her dad called her to talk to her and they got into it over the issue. I was so mad he did that, but he doesn't put up with her crap and calls her out on it. One more reason she left. So, now she didn't call on Mother's day, my birthday and her sister's birthday. She did send an email through facebook and told me to tell her dad happy birthday though. It is 3 days after mine, sigh. I had to come to terms with the fact that she really never did anything for me for my birthday anyway, so I should just get over it. She is just being selfish and only thinking of herself. I get it I guess, but I never thought my daughter would be like this. I hope she learns and grows out of it. Not to mention that she is always smoking and high most of the time. Sigh... I can't say much I did the same at her age, but it was only recreational not "wake and bake". Oh well, it is her life and she has to figure it out. There have been a couple of times that we have sent her money to help her pay for the rent, etc. I guess I still want to feel like she needs us some. Recently we moved back to the city we left and I am so happy we did because we are closer to family now and I need that. My uncle passed and she did seem sad over it, but does not seem like she will be attending the ceremony. She said she would call, but got called into work and wasn't able too. I asked her to please call as soon as she could and of course I have heard nothing. She just is so self involved. I am trying to understand, but it's starting to get really rude. I pray that things get better and we can all be a family again even if she is with this guy she is living with. I figure she will just have to figure it out on her own. In the meantime, we are here for her if she needs us. BTW since we have been back we have not seen her and she has not acted like she wants to see us or her little sister. Just wondering if it will get better in time. I know for me that I did the best I could in parenting her. When she would get caught in lies I was hard on her, because she is better than that and I didn't want her to follow in my footsteps. I didn't want her to have the same sort of regrets I have had. I just wanted more for her, but I realize that I have to forgive myself for my part and to let her figure it out for herself. Maybe she will one day appreciate me and if she doesn't then it's her loss. I have other children that I hope I can raise well and will learn to appreciate their parents that will do anything for them too.Thanks for listening. Sc
It sounds like you're doing okay - it's good you've put some distance between you and your daughter. It will get better in time because you're already growing away from her and accepting that she may not be the most grateful or sweetest daughter. She may never change or she may change - not much you can do about it.
Be glad you have the other kids. Chances are they won't be like her at all, they're different people. Enjoy your time with them. Stop asking your daughter to call when she's proven over and over that she's just going to blow you off and hurt you. She'll call when she needs money -- it sounds like when she and her boyfriend fall short of money for rent or drugs, she remembers very well to call you. If I were you, I probably wouldn't always give money when there's so little gratitude, if she wants to feel so independent, then let her really feel independent.
Well, I was hoping things would get better and in some ways they did, but it's all a game I assume. See I have caught my daughter lying to me over and over again. She is lying just to show off in front of her friends or boyfriend. She tells me whatever I want to hear and then does whatever she wants and acts however she wants to. She was not raised this way, but her boyfriend is the culprit. He is such a manipulator and liar and she is following right behind him.
She basically just could care less about our family. She wants us to pay for everything and get her a car even though she has no license, etc. But she wants all of that with no strings. Meaning no responsibility. I even heard her say that the boyfriend's mom was going to pay for something and she if his mom had to go into debt to take out a loan to do it then that she didn't care. It's like the kid is soul less. She has no feelings or emotions unless it about her or her boyfriend. They are like Bonnie and Clyde. She tries to manipulate me into giving her money because her boyfriend won't work and she saying she has to get a second job. I did that for a while, but I'm not doing it anymore. She won't finish getting her license, she won't get on birth control and she won't go to school. All she does it whatever he wants her too and totally disregards anything good we want for her.
We are about to move for my husband's job about 4 hours away and I know she is happy about that. We got her a phone after she lost her last one and the service. It was so we could get a hold of her to make sure she was okay. Well, she won't even answer the phone or text messages I send her, even though I can look it up and see she is texting all day long and night. I have no idea when she even sleeps. I just cringe to think what he has her doing with all this media stuff late at night. I mean I have already had the pleasure of seeing what she has done in the past and well, it's disgusting. I am just not understanding why she is being so hateful and self absorbed.
If anyone prays please pray she will get it together. She is throwing her life away and she doesn't even care. All she cares about is this guy and smoking weed ALL THE TIME! She is not functional high let me tell you I have seen it first hand. She is playing house, taking two cats she decided to adopt on play dates (if you have read my previous post this was a big issue since the cat litter was her responsibility for her our cat at home) and living in college town but not even bothering to go to school. So she wants the life, but she doesn't want the responsibility. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have told her once she is ready to get it together that we would help her get on her feet, but it goes through one ear and out the other. I guess I am just gonna have to wash my hands of it and continue on with my life. I worry about her though. I am just sick of the disrespect. I have done nothing so wrong to deserve this.
We got her a phone after she lost her last one and the service. It was so we could get a hold of her to make sure she was okay. Well, she won't even answer the phone or text messages I send her, even though I can look it up and see she is texting all day long and night.
Take the phone back when you see her. Failing that, cancel service on her phone. You bought it to make sure she was OK; she's not helping you do that. Therefore, no phone.
Take the phone back when you see her. Failing that, cancel service on her phone. You bought it to make sure she was OK; she's not helping you do that. Therefore, no phone.
She tries to manipulate me into giving her money because her boyfriend won't work and she saying she has to get a second job. I did that for a while, but I'm not doing it anymore.
I think this is the problem right here --- you did it for a while so her manipulation worked. I would also stop promising her that you will help her in the future when she gets her act together. She's an adult now so when she gets her act together is when she won't need your help. All I would do if she still communicates to ask for money is remind her she's a grown up adult now. Don't even hint that you're there waiting to bale her out.
And if the boyfriend's mother wants to go into debt to give your daughter things, that's her problem, although I would wonder if it's just more manipulation, trying to play you against the boy's mother to get you to spend more on her.
Sorry to hear your daughter still hasn't seen the light. We parents will do most anything for our kids but I also think we need to know when to let go, and I think you should. Enabling her has done nothing but make it worse. I hate to say this, but she'll either grow up and fly right, or she'll be a "bad" person all through life. Unless you could put her into intense therapy, I think you just have to wait and see.
I only remember bits and pieces of your story, was she a good person before getting with this guy? I ask because some people/kids are just born bad imo, so there will never be anything you can do about her. Some kids just need to learn the hard way, hit bottom to realize they need to change. I personally would let her go, even though it'd break my heart. I'd tell my kid I'll always love them but cant witness them destroy themselves and our family, but I'd always take them back if and when they want to better themselves. Good luck OP and prayers are sent.
Well, I was hoping things would get better and in some ways they did, but it's all a game I assume. See I have caught my daughter lying to me over and over again. She is lying just to show off in front of her friends or boyfriend. She tells me whatever I want to hear and then does whatever she wants and acts however she wants to. She was not raised this way, but her boyfriend is the culprit. He is such a manipulator and liar and she is following right behind him.
She basically just could care less about our family. She wants us to pay for everything and get her a car even though she has no license, etc. But she wants all of that with no strings. Meaning no responsibility. I even heard her say that the boyfriend's mom was going to pay for something and she if his mom had to go into debt to take out a loan to do it then that she didn't care. It's like the kid is soul less. She has no feelings or emotions unless it about her or her boyfriend. They are like Bonnie and Clyde. She tries to manipulate me into giving her money because her boyfriend won't work and she saying she has to get a second job. I did that for a while, but I'm not doing it anymore. She won't finish getting her license, she won't get on birth control and she won't go to school. All she does it whatever he wants her too and totally disregards anything good we want for her.
We are about to move for my husband's job about 4 hours away and I know she is happy about that. We got her a phone after she lost her last one and the service. It was so we could get a hold of her to make sure she was okay. Well, she won't even answer the phone or text messages I send her, even though I can look it up and see she is texting all day long and night. I have no idea when she even sleeps. I just cringe to think what he has her doing with all this media stuff late at night. I mean I have already had the pleasure of seeing what she has done in the past and well, it's disgusting. I am just not understanding why she is being so hateful and self absorbed.
If anyone prays please pray she will get it together. She is throwing her life away and she doesn't even care. All she cares about is this guy and smoking weed ALL THE TIME! She is not functional high let me tell you I have seen it first hand. She is playing house, taking two cats she decided to adopt on play dates (if you have read my previous post this was a big issue since the cat litter was her responsibility for her our cat at home) and living in college town but not even bothering to go to school. So she wants the life, but she doesn't want the responsibility. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have told her once she is ready to get it together that we would help her get on her feet, but it goes through one ear and out the other. I guess I am just gonna have to wash my hands of it and continue on with my life. I worry about her though. I am just sick of the disrespect. I have done nothing so wrong to deserve this.
Sc
First, so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through.
But - and this is going to sound harsh - stop!
Don't pay for the phone. Don't promise to help her get back on her feet. You give her zero incentive to get it together, because she knows she can manipulate you into helping her whenever she feels like it. Don't reward her for bad behavior by helping her get back on her feet. She'll never take responsibility.
As to the bold above - of course she's the culprit. It's not her boyfriend, she's choosing to act this way. If you don't put the responsibility for her actions ON HER SHOULDERS, you are enabling her behavior.
Move on with your life and go about your business. If you want to make sure you're in contact with someone who'll know where she is and how to get hold of her then stay in touch with them. But back off. She thinks you're a sucker.
Stop acting like one.
She might regain some respect for you again later, and herself in the meantime. Meanwhile, leave your door open, but let her be. She'll make her own way, for better or worse. It's not up to you any longer.
First, so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through.
But - and this is going to sound harsh - stop!
Don't pay for the phone. Don't promise to help her get back on her feet. You give her zero incentive to get it together, because she knows she can manipulate you into helping her whenever she feels like it. Don't reward her for bad behavior by helping her get back on her feet. She'll never take responsibility.
As to the bold above - of course she's the culprit. It's not her boyfriend, she's choosing to act this way. If you don't put the responsibility for her actions ON HER SHOULDERS, you are enabling her behavior.
Move on with your life and go about your business. If you want to make sure you're in contact with someone who'll know where she is and how to get hold of her then stay in touch with them. But back off. She thinks you're a sucker.
Stop acting like one.
She might regain some respect for you again later, and herself in the meantime. Meanwhile, leave your door open, but let her be. She'll make her own way, for better or worse. It's not up to you any longer.
Read this three times, then read it again. Great post.
I don't agree with cutting the phone. We have an unlimited plan, so it costs little. And that way, you know she has a phone and can contact you. You can check out the usage on her phone. And know she is okay.
Sure, stop giving money, take back the car, but the phone is your contact to her. Don't cut that link off.
Your goal is to be open to supporting your child to call you in an emergency, or just if she wants to say hi. Or wants to come home. Be open to that.
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Update on my daughter.
We parents will do most anything for our kids but I also think we need to know when to let go, and I think you should. Enabling her has done nothing but make it worse. I hate to say this, but she'll either grow up and fly right, or she'll be a "bad" person all through life. Unless you could put her into intense therapy, I think you just have to wait and see.
