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God help the other 2 kids - if I screwed up this bad raising the first - they don't stand a chance!!! I should probably start looking for a shrink for them now....
I hope you are just kidding. Children come with their own unique personalities and they require different parenting. But sometimes even the best parenting can not stop them from making stupid decisions.
Yes and no....in a way it totally freeks me out - I know we weren't perfect and we didn't always make the best decisions - but I thought in general we were doing the right things, now it makes me wonder. Plus we are so isolated here and hubbies xgf has him believing that she has the whole town on her side - that we don't even want to leave the house anymore - she's putting stuff on facebook and flapping her mouth to everyone. We don't say anything to anyone, but as we found with my SS 1 negitive (from her) have more of an affect then 3 positives from us especially because it's coming from her. Plus with SS going along with it he's turning into her - mouth and all - it's hard to watch 14yrs of work go down the drain - and it's only making him worse the longer this goes on.
Yes and no....in a way it totally freeks me out - I know we weren't perfect and we didn't always make the best decisions - but I thought in general we were doing the right things, now it makes me wonder. Plus we are so isolated here and hubbies xgf has him believing that she has the whole town on her side - that we don't even want to leave the house anymore - she's putting stuff on facebook and flapping her mouth to everyone. We don't say anything to anyone, but as we found with my SS 1 negitive (from her) have more of an affect then 3 positives from us especially because it's coming from her. Plus with SS going along with it he's turning into her - mouth and all - it's hard to watch 14yrs of work go down the drain - and it's only making him worse the longer this goes on.
Sooner or later the truth will come out. Do not act as if you did something wrong. Just go about life as normal and if someone asks you just say your hoping he'll come home soon.
Has your husband considered sitting down with his son and having a "come to Jesus" conversation? He's the one who really should "man up" in this situation. It was his indiscretion and poor decision-making that entwined him with that woman for 18+ years, and it's his mother who's putting her nose into your family business where it doesn't belong.
Have you called his school counselor yet? I'd also recommend having a meeting with the principal and/or his teachers, to put them on the alert to watch for misbehavior or acting out. If it takes a village, and you're feeling like many of them aren't on your side, you need to start organizing your soldiers, woman!
My hubby's last conversation with my SS consisted of SS asking if "I was still there" that if my husband got rid of me - everything would be fine between them - He's being told that the last 14yrs of his life shouldn't have happened, he never had to listen to me, we lied to him, brain washed him and that he should have only had a relationship with his father and there is no such thing as "having two families" - as we have raised him to know. The last 14yrs of hell that SS has gone through (Sh*t) she has pulled is because of me and he never would have gone through it if I hadn't did what I did....So SS is finding out if he stays with BM - none of hell is happening anymore and he can do what ever he wants when he wants. He has chosen to have only one family now based on what he's been told. And in the mean time hubby is being a dead beat dad by not having contact with him and acting like nothing has happened. And as far as his brother and sister are concerned he again plans on letting them know later on that it is my fault they lost their older brother because of "things I did".
As far as contacting the school to watch for misbehavior - he's not misbehaving - he's having the time of his life. Plus now he doesn't have BM putting him through hell - she now has what she wants, she's been doing this since he was born - she never wanted him, she just didn't want me to have him - now that all the work is done she's quite happy to now take him back - she found a way to make him choose and he did - she's being working on this for 14 yrs.
My hubby's last conversation with my SS consisted of SS asking if "I was still there" that if my husband got rid of me - everything would be fine between them - He's being told that the last 14yrs of his life shouldn't have happened, he never had to listen to me, we lied to him, brain washed him and that he should have only had a relationship with his father and there is no such thing as "having two families" - as we have raised him to know. The last 14yrs of hell that SS has gone through (Sh*t) she has pulled is because of me and he never would have gone through it if I hadn't did what I did....So SS is finding out if he stays with BM - none of hell is happening anymore and he can do what ever he wants when he wants. He has chosen to have only one family now based on what he's been told. And in the mean time hubby is being a dead beat dad by not having contact with him and acting like nothing has happened. And as far as his brother and sister are concerned he again plans on letting them know later on that it is my fault they lost their older brother because of "things I did".
As far as contacting the school to watch for misbehavior - he's not misbehaving - he's having the time of his life. Plus now he doesn't have BM putting him through hell - she now has what she wants, she's been doing this since he was born - she never wanted him, she just didn't want me to have him - now that all the work is done she's quite happy to now take him back - she found a way to make him choose and he did - she's being working on this for 14 yrs.
Just tell your hubby to tell him that when he grows up he will realize he is wrong. And that when he does he is welcome into your home. He should refuse to discuss anything else. Whatever you do do not badmouth the BM. Anything you say will only be used against you.
Isn't his behaviour pretty much normal teenager cr@p?
Sometimes I think that a teenager must simply be allowed to make a bad choice and experience the results. Howevr I also think it is important to make sure that he has an escape. He must be able to go back and at the same time save face. See if you cna think of a compromise that will allow him to believe that he "won" something while really making no signficant consession at all. Perhaps you could tell him that he cna return if he will do the dishsed or something that you normally do and you take out the trash. Many times it is just the thing that the see themselves as being forced to do that is the problem. Let them have a choice and then they feel like that are paritally in control and can calm down. the deal should be brokered by his father, not by you. He has singled you out as the bad guy, and anyhting that you want, will be seen as bad for him.
It could also help to treat him like an adult. You may want to convey to him that he is letting his dad down at the time that dad needs him most. Dad was always there for him and has made many many sacrifices for him and now dad is under one of the most stressful crises of his life and he needs his son to be a man and be there for him. tell him that taking out the trash is not a big deal. His father is more important. he needs to pitch in and do his part, so if he wants to agree on a different chore, that is fine. (Cleaning out the kitty litter?). That worked with my somewhat younger son and given a choice he chose taking care of the lawn. It is now his lawn. He reads up on what needs to be done and gets it done. He does the work energetically and regularly. I ahve never mowed our lawn, not once. I have never watered our lawn. However if I had told him that he had to do it, he would have fought me on it. I told him here is the list of "man things" that need to be done, choose which one you will take care of and I will do the rest. (Yes "man things" may be sexist, but sometimes boys need to be made to feel like men.)
Ex Wife has no real standing to complain. Did she ask permission for him to move in with her? Did she get any kind of agreement up front? She should have sent him home. She might be able to go to court and get some moeny - let her. With hubby unemployed, it will not amount to anything.
You have bigger issues to worry about. Just let him know that when he is ready to behave and do his chores, he is welcome to come back. With no money, he will soon be tired of being broke and he will evnetually miss his siblings. (either that or he will get into drugs and become a male prostitute- maybe advice from CD posters is nto the best solution).
By the way, I never correct posts, but it is my absolute pet peeve. Advise is a verb. "I advise you to beat this boy with a spatula" Advice is the noun. "I need some advice" Sorry I just could not help it. Almost everyone makes this error, for some reason it really bugs me. But it bugs me almost as much when people comment on grammer spelling or other irrelevant errors in posts. So I am sorry, I am not picking on you, I just could not pass up this opportunity to lecture the world on one of the most commonly misused words. I see it used that way in the newspaper quite regularly. Grrrr.
Isn't his behaviour pretty much normal teenager cr@p?
Sometimes I think that a teenager must simply be allowed to make a bad choice and experience the results. Howevr I also think it is important to make sure that he has an escape. He must be able to go back and at the same time save face. See if you cna think of a compromise that will allow him to believe that he "won" something while really making no signficant consession at all. Perhaps you could tell him that he cna return if he will do the dishsed or something that you normally do and you take out the trash. Many times it is just the thing that the see themselves as being forced to do that is the problem. Let them have a choice and then they feel like that are paritally in control and can calm down. the deal should be brokered by his father, not by you. He has singled you out as the bad guy, and anyhting that you want, will be seen as bad for him.
It could also help to treat him like an adult. You may want to convey to him that he is letting his dad down at the time that dad needs him most. Dad was always there for him and has made many many sacrifices for him and now dad is under one of the most stressful crises of his life and he needs his son to be a man and be there for him. tell him that taking out the trash is not a big deal. His father is more important. he needs to pitch in and do his part, so if he wants to agree on a different chore, that is fine. (Cleaning out the kitty litter?). That worked with my somewhat younger son and given a choice he chose taking care of the lawn. It is now his lawn. He reads up on what needs to be done and gets it done. He does the work energetically and regularly. I ahve never mowed our lawn, not once. I have never watered our lawn. However if I had told him that he had to do it, he would have fought me on it. I told him here is the list of "man things" that need to be done, choose which one you will take care of and I will do the rest. (Yes "man things" may be sexist, but sometimes boys need to be made to feel like men.)
Ex Wife has no real standing to complain. Did she ask permission for him to move in with her? Did she get any kind of agreement up front? She should have sent him home. She might be able to go to court and get some moeny - let her. With hubby unemployed, it will not amount to anything.
You have bigger issues to worry about. Just let him know that when he is ready to behave and do his chores, he is welcome to come back. With no money, he will soon be tired of being broke and he will evnetually miss his siblings. (either that or he will get into drugs and become a male prostitute- maybe advice from CD posters is nto the best solution).
By the way, I never correct posts, but it is my absolute pet peeve. Advise is a verb. "I advise you to beat this boy with a spatula" Advice is the noun. "I need some advice" Sorry I just could not help it. Almost everyone makes this error, for some reason it really bugs me. But it bugs me almost as much when people comment on grammer spelling or other irrelevant errors in posts. So I am sorry, I am not picking on you, I just could not pass up this opportunity to lecture the world on one of the most commonly misused words. I see it used that way in the newspaper quite regularly. Grrrr.
I think the OP has more on her mind right now than perfect use of nouns and verbs.
By the way, I think you misspelled some words.
I'm glad I'm not perfect. That way I don't have to expect others to be.
Tell the Mom about your financial situation and let her take it to court if she wants.
Their financial situation is non of the other person's business.
I also wanted to add that I was raised by my step mom since the age of 10. At first we called her by her first name. Over time she became 'Mom'. Twenty nine years later she is still the 'Mom' and 'Grandma' that my family now knows.
Step parenting is one of the hardest things someone can do. As others have said speak openly and often with your spouse.
Best of luck weathering the storm.....
Last edited by goodmanm; 09-17-2009 at 11:38 AM..
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