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I would cut the after school activities until things get back on track.
I wouldn't fight with your kids over anything like homework. It just raises everyone's stress levels. But you need time to help them through it and it sounds like the 'extras' are preventing you from doing it.
Communicate with the teachers. They may have advice that can help you help them, or now that they know there's a problem maybe there's something at school that could help.
My daughter has always had a hard time with math. At first I was very frustrated with trying to explain the simplest of concepts to her and the frustration at times was not conducive to getting homework done. Many times I would look at a problem and know the answer but wasn't able to explain the process to her well enough or in terms that she could understand. A big part of this is I was taught a certain way to solve a problem and kids are being taught differently now.
I ended up speaking with the teacher about the problem. The school has a before school math tutoring class which has gone a long way towards helping her out.
This is my story: I struggled with my son when he was in second grade with his spelling homework. One of the days each week the assignment was to write each word (there were 16) five times each. Inevitably, this would take hours. Literally. He would get home at 330, eat a snack, and sit down to do his homework, break for dinner, and continue til bedtime. 10% of the time was spent writing, and the other 90% was staring into space, arguing with me about doing it, lamenting the volume of work, getting upset about his handwriting and how the method at this school was different from how they were taught at his previous school, and how he was worried it would affect his grade, etc... A little more than halfway through the year, I finally wrote a note to the teacher that I was going to have him work on it for a max of 2 hours because it was causing so many problems at home. My husband is away a lot and I was having to deal with this homework issue, plus care for a 3 and 4 yr old, and was pg, and get them all into bed and ready for the next day by myself. I was tearing my hair out.
The next day, the teacher called me and told me that the whole point was not to have him fight with me and get upset, but to learn the spelling words. She told me any way he was going to learn the words was fine, and that some kids are overwhelmed when faced with a blank piece of paper and the prospect of writing the words over and over. From that day forward, I made him worksheets where he would fill in parts of the words, or write the words, or I would give him oral tests, etc... It made life a whole lot easier, and his grades went up, because he actually did the work.
There is also a point where if your child refuses to do the work, the best way to handle it is to let them go in with incomplete homework and learn the consequence (usually a teacher will do something like make them stay in at recess to finish the work). For you it sounds like the kids are still trying to do it but finding it hard, but keep this in mind. Again, you might want to talk to the teacher about it so they know you are making the effort and not just letting them go play video games instead of doing hw b/c you don't want to help.
And I read about problems like these and appreciate more and more the Montessori method. It breaks my heart to hear about kids who have been broken by the "traditional" method and end up hating reading, research, and discovery.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I think definitely I am helping him 'too' much. I am trying to back off, let him do his own thing. Which has worked really well until last night.
The question about the future was worrisome to me as well. He had to do a vision board for karate and struggled with that. He then said it was because he was afraid of bad things, like death. So DH talked to him about all the great things to look forward to in life. I thought great, it he gets it, and loved his vision board.
Then he couldn't seem to comprehend the 'future' his teacher was asking. I asked his therapist to discuss this a bit with him the next time we go for an appointment. I also am having him evaluated at school for language. It is just really tough as a parent to see your child struggle.
I just need to vent. I can't take homework with the kids. Trying to explain to my son he is supposed to write in his journal how he envisions his future, he doesn't understand. He is in 4th grade and cannot grasp the concept of the future. I am so frustrated. It is the second time he has not been able to grasp the concept. I don't know how to help him.
My daughter breaks down every day from homework in second grade. She used to love to read, and now she hates it. So it is a fight with her as well.
Every night fighting with the kids with homework. I try to help, but am feeling overwhelmed, that is everything on my shoulders. Getting them ready for school, after school activities, music lessons, it never ends. I can't do it anymore. I just freaked out on my poor son. I need a break. My husband helps when he can, but his company just mandated everyone come in an hour early and stay an hour late or he gets laid off...... great.
I think homework can be a great interaction time between parents and the kids. A question like how he envisions his future is a great chance to stimulate his imagination, have him think about what he thinks his future might be.
In some ways, my memories of my dad helping me with my homework are some of my better ones. Listening to him explain his way of solving a math problem, or both parents practicing spelling. Homework can be family time.
I think homework can be a great interaction time between parents and the kids. A question like how he envisions his future is a great chance to stimulate his imagination, have him think about what he thinks his future might be.
In some ways, my memories of my dad helping me with my homework are some of my better ones. Listening to him explain his way of solving a math problem, or both parents practicing spelling. Homework can be family time.
I agree. Some of my best memories growing up were sitting around the kitchen table doing homework and interracting with my mom. Now, with my boys, a kindergartener and a 3rd grader we make homework fun. We start with a special snack and we sit down at the table and eat it and talk about their days. Then we talk about what we have for homework. Then we do it. I'm available for questions but I'm not sitting right there. I've rarely done the homework "dance" and by that I mean the back and forth whining and complaining, etc. I like the idea of spending some time together before getting into homework --- I think it gives my boys the positive attention they need from mom so that they don't use poor behavior to get my attention later.
My DSS is a smart boy!!! He was given the assignment to do a biography. The boy melted down. He had no idea how to put himself into words. (DSS is ASD and this is normal for him) I broke it down into baby steps. Basically asking him a question and letting him answer me verbally, then we work together to write down what he vocalized. With essays and such, I tell him to write like he is talking to someone. The hardest part was to get him to understand the concept of a rough draft. He'd spazz about misspelled words or improper grammar. Once we got past that, the rest seemed to fall into place. Idea bubbles work for him too. You may need to work on different approaches until you find what works for your son.
As for your daughter.... I assume this is the required reading time (20-30 minutes?) If so, why not find alternative reading material that sparks her interests? Junie B Jones? Or even a magazine..... reading a recipe and helping you cook.... reading over the phone to gramma.... it doesn't have to be a book. Get creative.... and if you have trouble getting enough reading ideas... pick one day to do alternative reading, but with the disclaimer that she has to do her other reading without (much) complaint the rest of the week.
If you just sit and talk with your son, is he able to talk about the future? Is he able to have conversations about what he wants to do when he grows up?
Both my kids struggled with getting their thoughts onto paper. They also hated writing. For years they hated it when I tried to have them keep a daily journal, asking them to write something down every night before they went to bed. Oh my gosh. They would draw pictures but never wite, no matter what I tried to do. I can totally relate to your frustration. I am the total opposite - I have trouble talking, but no problems writing my thoughts out. (As city-data readers know because of my overly wordy posts, I'm sure! lol)
Anyway - what a teacher one year finally helped me learn to do... this was with my oldest son when he was in 3rd grade... was to sit with him and talk about whatever the question was. For example, he'd read the question out loud to me: "What are your expectations for the future?" And then he'd look at me... blank-faced usually lol not having a clue what his response was going to be... and so I'd begin the discussion, rewording the question so that he might understand it better. I'd say "What would you like to be when you grow up? Do you know? Or what about school... what would you like to learn about this year in school? The future means like anything that happens tomorrow, next week, next month, and beyond...I think I want to travel more in the future! And I see cinnamon toast in my future - for breakfast!" And I'd get a conversation going.
My boys were both able to talk about things, we have great long and deep conversations about everything under the sun. I and their teachers all knew that they had the intelligence, and they had the words and language abilities... but there was some kind of mental block whenever they tried to write it down. I've been told it's quite common for boys especially. So anyway, as they would begin talking, and essentially answering the question. I'd stop them and say - GREAT! Quick write that down before you forget... and they would. Then we'd start up the discussion again until they said something else that I would stop them at and encourage them to write it down.
It takes awhile, and patience... with my older son I remember doing that for the first month of school that year. But soon they are doing this on their own without your help. My kids are in 4th and 8th grades now and both are now strong writers. My oldest even writes funny stories that get published in his schools newsletter. Years ago I feared he was mentally stunted in some way, because his writing was so awful... I was a new mom and was so worried that something was wrong. But his teachers all told me that he was above-average intelligence and not to wrry, he was fine. He just needed help getting over that bump in the road. Sounds like it might be the same for your son, perhaps.
I always thought about getting one of those small voice recorders, too, that doctor's sometimes use to take their notes? I wanted to see if talking into the voice recorder, then going back and listening to themselves would help them remember and write down their thoughts. For some reason I never actually tried this, though.
Get creative.... and if you have trouble getting enough reading ideas... pick one day to do alternative reading, but with the disclaimer that she has to do her other reading without (much) complaint the rest of the week.
My youngest was a reluctant reader in K and 1st grades. He loved to be read to, and he would read quietly to himself (and we'd discuss it afterwards so that I could be sure he was actually reading and understanding what he was reading...) but he did NOT like reading outloud at all. He fought it. So we did an agreement like you mentioned above. It really worked out well. We split times up and we'd read whichever way he wanted for half the time (which was usually me reading outloud to him), and then he would read outloud to me for the other half of the required reading time. In K and 1st, the required reading time for school was 20 minutes... so this meant we both read to each other for 10 minutes. This worked great for him. We still do it sometimes even though he's no longer a reluctant reader. He reads all the time now, as he's into chapter books and a few book series... and we read together every night.
I just need to vent. I can't take homework with the kids. Trying to explain to my son he is supposed to write in his journal how he envisions his future, he doesn't understand. He is in 4th grade and cannot grasp the concept of the future. I am so frustrated. It is the second time he has not been able to grasp the concept. I don't know how to help him.My daughter breaks down every day from homework in second grade. She used to love to read, and now she hates it. So it is a fight with her as well. Every night fighting with the kids with homework. I try to help, but am feeling overwhelmed, that is everything on my shoulders. Getting them ready for school, after school activities, music lessons, it never ends. I can't do it anymore. I just freaked out on my poor son. I need a break. My husband helps when he can, but his company just mandated everyone come in an hour early and stay an hour late or he gets laid off...... great.
You got the "Mommy Blues?" it kind of goes with the territory, huh? I know needing someone to vent to is also frustrating. I wouldn't worry about your son not grasping what the future is going to be like for him, how could he? How did you feel about the future in Grade 4? I wanted to be a Nurse, a teacher, a doctor, a vet, and a plain old Mommy. I got the last one. I think the teacher is not looking for them to explain the whole process from high school graduation through college and grad school as much as she is just seeing how their little heads are working towards future in general and how they do grasp it. Start by suggesting things to him...do you think you'd like to be a fireman? How about a doctor? Maybe a sailor? Then ask him out of those three which he prefers most..it is his little head working and the teacher doesn't need to be impressed..she is trying to get to know him.
As for your daughter...well, I am sure she can hear and see you getting stressed with your son so she too is stressed. Kids can and will take on whatever emotion is spilling out of Mom and behave accordingly. I would set up different times for each child for homework and explain to them that they each have their own homework time and if the two cross over each other then explain that too. You have to peel yourself off the ceiling and talk to them calmly and they will react accordingly.
I found that having a calendar with all the scheduled events on it or even a separate calendar for each child works. Have the kids help out with keeping their appointments. They are young but they will get it, just watch. Get two small white boards, eraseable and when they have a function, write or draw in the function or have them do it. They can draw a soccer ball, a music note, etc.
As far as getting them ready for school....get their stuff ready the night before and let them participate. Tell them how important it is for them to be able to get their own clothes ready and how grown up they are behaving...praise and love works wonders.
As for you.............get a sitter and have a spa day at least twice a month. Better yet, catch the "hubby" at home and take your spa day then. Unless you unwind and relax none of the above will come together.
Good luck Mom and BREATHE!!
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