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I've felt that way as an adult until I realized that gee, nobody calls me because I call nobody! The old cliche about "you have to be a friend to make a friend" is generally true but often easier said than done. Another poster said that people often think that everyone else is busy and wouldn't have time for them (I used to think that a lot) but many times it turns out that those other people were doing nothing just like you.
Keep your daughter engaged in many activities and hopefully a closer friendship will develop out of one of them. Work on your daughter being the initiator of things but if she's too shy or scared to don't be afraid to arrange situations for her yourself where she can make friends (be subtle). If she has even one person to hang out with outside of school that's probably all she'll need to begin feeling better.
13 is a tough age since girls are starting to grow up and be insecure. Many times this makes them mean to others who they think don't fit in, especially if they think that if they're mean to another girl it will make them fit in - if you follow what I'm trying to say.
Good luck and I hope things begin to turn around soon!
I'm not sure what to tell you, except to offer the quote (can't remember where I heard it) that there's nothing crueler than a 7th grade girl. OK, your daughter is probably in 8th grade, but the same thing applies to all middle-school girls IMO. They're like sharks - sense any weakness (sensitivity, lack of self-confidence) and they go for blood. As a mother of a son and a daughter, boys are so much less complicated in that regard.
I went through something similar with my daughter (now 20) who had been in the "in crowd" but was abruptly ostracized by her classmates in 7th grade. The best advice I can give you is to be a friend to her as well as a parent (let her know she can talk to you, maybe find fun activities you can do together) and try to get her involved with groups outside of school where she can meet kids who are not her classmates and break the pattern.
In my daughter's situation, the same girls who had snubbed her tried to be friendly a year later, but the trust was broken. She's still a bit leery of other girls although she has a couple of good friends.
Good luck to your daughter. It's a really tough age. Oh, and one more quote (this one from my grandma), "This too shall pass."
I say this all the time, but when I moved to the states I was 10, taller than anyone in my classes and had a rather thick German accent. Not exactly fit for friendship and fun...
A 'friend' of mine in elementary school asked me to join 4H and it was the best thing I've ever done. You see the kids in your 4H group a few times a month so it's not overload and you know you have things in common. Plus, she can try different things that might interest her with other people who are also just beginning. In my old club we had rabbits, dairy goats, swine, poultry (these are all livestock husbandry groups) plus we had aerospace and rocketry, cake decorating, jr. leadership, outdoor cooking, sewing and crafts etc etc. and if you had a good idea, you could do a trial run and it may turn into a new project
I'd try looking up your cooperative extension office or county 4H rep and go from there... my life would be completely different without my 4H club. And me and my friend who asked me to join are still best friends 15 years later
I love the suggestions. I moved around so much when younger I typically formed relationships with perhaps just one friend at a time (and I do not feel bad about that because one good friend is a lot better than 10 acquaintances). It was always through activities that I quickly met people. Team sports, after-school clubs, church group youth groups, volunteer organizations... those are all awesome for meeting people.
Part of me agrees with the poster about how you need to be a friend to have friends too. It's never too late as a parent to help coach your child on how to be a good friend and in the meantime it might be an opportunity for the OP to spend more quality time with their child too (nothing is wrong with that as I was close with my parents throughout middle-school and certainly didn't suffer ill effects from that).
One thing to avoid is to make your child feel like they're doing something wrong. The suggestion to post on Myspace was definitely well-meaning but was very strange (you probably know that in retrospect - hindsight is always 20/20). People really gravitate towards interesting people; get your daughter involved in a a few group-based activities and she'll have more going on in her life and eventually more friends.
She feels left out. I am not sure why the other kids don't like her or dont want to hang out with her. She is nice, funny, smart, athletic, and caring I just don't get it. How can I help her make friends?
For one you need to help her see that she probably is not the only kid without friends. Sometimes kids try to fit into already established groups that aren't looking for more members, the lonely child wants to be friends with popular easily noticed kids who already have enough friends. These kids aren't so much rejecting others, they are already just too busy.
She needs to look around and see that other girls - or boys - are sitting alone at lunch or are shy, sometimes there are kids who are paired up but don't mind having others join them. She needs to look for the loners and ask them about themselves, their pets, their families. You need to help her understand that to have a friend, you have to also be a friend.
Can you help her be proactive in other ways (besides the myspace, I mean)? It could be that she's unlucky and goes to a school with a lot of mean people, or hasn't found the right group of friends yet, but it could just be that people aren't actively asking her because they don't think to do so, not because they're trying to be mean. Does she know anyone she can ask to join her for trick or treating? Maybe someone else she knows a little (or a few people she knows a little) who might not already have plans? Or, for that matter, could she ask someone she knows has plans (but hasn't been told directly that they have plans), with the hope that the person in question would say "I'm going with so-and-so, but want to join us?"
When I went to junior high I knew only three other friends from elementary school. It was tough at first, because most of the other kids seemed to know people. At lunch I first sat with a group of kids who were friendly enough, but not overly enthusiastic; they sound a bit like your daughter's friends where they were nice, but didn't go out of their way to actively invite me places. I looked around, saw some other people from my classes that seemed nice, and built another group of much closer friends. It's easier said than done, but maybe a combination of both reaching out to current friends to do stuff outside of school, as well as looking more closely at other kids in school to see who else is out there, will help. I was not particularly outgoing at that age (not really shy either, but not the loud, social popular type, either) but sometimes you do what you need to do, and in this case it might be that she needs to break out of her comfort zone if she wants to have more active friends. In any case, it will probably all be a lot easier in another year or two.
Another thought on why the myspace thing didn't work: in so many places today kids are really busy with complicated schedules. I don't know where you live, but in a lot of communities kids don't live close enough to walk to their friends' houses (or their parents don't want them to walk alone) and since these kids are junior high age, they're not going to be driving themselves. Maybe that's inhibiting the casual informal hanging out? (especially if the kids are depending on a parent to drive, and the parent is busy shuttling everyone in the family around from school to sports to tutoring to whatever)
Is she saying she's a dork and a loser when she's out amongst her peers, also? That will drive people away for sure.
The thing is, she may be setting herself up for failure by approaching kids who are never going to want to be friends with her for whatever reason (for example, someone mentioned the clique that's been friends since Kindergarten--that one exists in every town). Is she herself avoiding potential friends who are also lonely because SHE doesn't want to be associated with another "dork"?
You say yourself she's not calling them to hang out--that's half the battle. She has to learn to risk rejection--it's going to be a risk she has to deal with for the rest of her life be it socially, romantically, academically, or in her career. Might as well help her work through how to deal with it now, Mom. Tell her to make a list of realistically potential friends, start calling them, and then teach her the best way to be interesting to people--ASK THEM QUESTIONS ABOUT THEMSELVES.
Is she an only child? If not, why doesn't she go trick or treating with her siblings? Make it a little party with her siblings, trick or treating then staying up late eating candy and watching a movie, heck she can mention this to her fellow sportsmates and see if anyone is lonesome that night too, and they can come over!
The key is to make it sound like it's going to be a blast, but no big deal, just casual. If there are no takers, then why can't she just trick or treat alone and have fun by herself?
Do you guys have a Wii?? if so, invite a few friends over to play
Have a pizza party for the sportsmates one day after a game at your house, this will help to break the ice. I have a 12 year old boy but I also have an 18 year old daughter, been there, done that. Thank goodness my two youngest ones are boys.
Last edited by CTR36; 10-13-2009 at 04:13 PM..
Reason: spelling
Sounds like what my life was in when I transfered schools in 8th grade.
Have you pitched the idea of a volunteer job in an area that she'll like? Maybe an art class or other sport she might be into away from school? Try the YMCA in your area and see what's listed. She could meet friends and get out of the house.
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