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If, at 15, you are still putting food into your child's mouth, cooking the food for them all the time, and dressing them, I suggest you may be coddling them too much. How can you possible expect them to make decisions regarding dangerous friendships, drugs, and careers if you haven't even taught them to be responsible for their own food and clothing?
Maybe so. I don't know the teen, don't know her temperament, and don't know how the parents have raised her. But "laying down the law" can backfire on many kids. At this age, they see that as a challenge. After all, it is very easy to break those laid down laws.
I generally agree with you but you have to understand that allowing them to make their own decisions only works when they have shown that they can make good decisions. If they have shown that they can make good decisions at 15 (many can) then you continue to guide them and allow them to develop their decision making skills.
However, once a teen had shown an inability to make good decisions the parent needs to step in for a while to show the child EXACTLY why the decisions she made were bad ones. The parent needs to step in swiftly and decisively at least for a while. Then gradually they can allow the child another chance to make the right decisions.
I think it's wrong to start out not trusting your child, but once she has shown she cannot be trusted the parent really has no choice but to clamp down, at least for a while.
The part I need clarification about from the OP is this:
Where was she originally going that evening? And with who?
Did you know that there were plans involving her being in a car in the first place, or did she lie to you?
You already said she is grounded, but in what kind of way? Does it involve something where she can learn the lesson about getting into a car with alcohol? Like doing a day of volunteer somewhere where she can see first hand what can come of drinking and driving?
Was the driver drinking?
A whole other issue here: are you talking to her about sex?
There's a lot of normal teenage behavior here, at least when I was growing up, and I am 40 now. But these days, it is much less tolerated, or is it?
In the end, here's what scares parents the most, from a protector aspect: kids ending up in a dui situation, getting an std, doing drugs, getting raped, raping, or whatever else... basic stuff, but the real fear stuff... then there's the character part, which is not so scary because it is not immediate, but has to be addressed... like lying and getting away with it. No one gets away with lying-- it always comes back in some shape or form--teachers won't tolerate it, friends won't, employers, etc. (so why should a parent?) So as a parent, I think that the lying-stuff that has to be addressed. If she wants to be worthy of your trust, she has to become trustworty, if she lies, you cannot trust her, and if you cannot trust her, you pull in the reins... If she tells you she is going to a party where alcohol is served, and you say no... then that is life... maybe you say you will drive her there and you will pick her up, that's your choice in keeping her safe.
This is a wake up call... she's getting into the typical teen stuff, and it's like trying to keep a mouse from cheese, but you have to keep her safe. Best of luck, and you are doing a great job.
Thanks for the replies, there's lots of useful ideas in there. To clarify a couple of things, when I say that I've met this boy before, what I really mean is that I've come across this boy before. My daughter has never introduced him to me as a friend/potential boyfriend...he's never been amongst the kids at the house. I learnt a lot more last weekend about what was going on with this boy, as I say, my daughter has been quite deceptive about all that. She actually admitted to me about another incident within the past few weeks that she lied about where she was going....guilty conscience... I think that I would be right in saying that this whole deception and lying thing has happened just a couple of times in the last maybe, 3 weeks (I'd really be surprised to learn something different...).
I agree that she shouldn't have been in the car. And it certainly wasn't something that I approved of, or knew of. We have spoken about this, prior to last weekend, and I have told her that I want to know the kids that she wants to be in a car with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by old biddie
The part I need clarification about from the OP is this: Where was she originally going that evening? And with who?
Did you know that there were plans involving her being in a car in the first place, or did she lie to you?
I dropped her off to "go to a movie with 'regular' friends". And one of the other kid's mom's was giving them a ride home. I didn't check on that because she has been trustworthy. There was no mention of the other kids or cars. She lied to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by old biddie
You already said she is grounded, but in what kind of way? Does it involve something where she can learn the lesson about getting into a car with alcohol? Like doing a day of volunteer somewhere where she can see first hand what can come of drinking and driving?
She's grounded in a loss of privileges kind of way (....and a life, in general...). I have actually considered something like you mention. I would like for there to be an opportunity for her to learn more about the consequences of teenagers, cars, alcohol and whatever may or may not have been thrown out the window, outside of just hearing it from dad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by old biddie
Was the driver drinking?
The police said the driver was not under the influence....whether or not he may have become under the influence later on that night I don't know....
Quote:
Originally Posted by old biddie
A whole other issue here: are you talking to her about sex?
Yes, it's been just the kids and I for a while now so it's all up to me. We've gone through some serious issues in regards to their mother, I have a very close and open relationship with my children because of that. It has certainly made talking about sex with my teenage daughter a lot easier (a rather unlikely and surprising gift to receive from their mother really...).
I think that I needed to hear someone else say that it's typical teenage behavior. I am really disappointed by it all because we have a close relationship and she lied to me, and deceived me. But I am trying to remind myself that so much of it is part of being a teenager. You're right that the lying has to be addressed. I have always taught my children to tell the truth. And to me that is one of the worst parts of it for me. And she does know that, I know that that's a major reason for her not wanting the police to call me, and why she hasn't looked at me when she's told me that they didn't throw anything out the window (I've told her she can tell me the truth about that when she's ready, so she knows where I stand on that).
Quote:
Originally Posted by scarmig
You want her to make the right decision, but it still needs to be *her* decision.
I think that this is important....or at least that she thinks she made the decision all by herself even if she was nudged in that direction. My hope is that she will learn from the encounter with the cops that this is not a direction that she wants. And that she has better friends in her life. I'm sure that it all seemed exciting and rebellious until the cops appeared...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear
However, once a teen had shown an inability to make good decisions the parent needs to step in for a while to show the child EXACTLY why the decisions she made were bad ones. The parent needs to step in swiftly and decisively at least for a while. Then gradually they can allow the child another chance to make the right decisions.
Thanks for saying that, that's basically the direction that I'm heading in at the moment.
I would try to get her involved with something that would take up most of her free time. You said she was a good student. See what she is interested in. Maybe she could volenteer at a nursing home, hospital, library, zoo, animal shelter or something like that. Try to get her to think about all of the great posibilites of her future. And if she makes bad choices now, she can ruin all of that. Take her to see some colleges and even meet some of the teachers and they could give her advice on things she could be doing now to help her in her field of interest. I am a big beleiver that if kids don't have something positive to fill there time with, no goals to work on, nothing to be excited about and look forward to, they will find a way to get into trouble. I was one of those kids in trouble for a few of my teen years.
I generally agree with you but you have to understand that allowing them to make their own decisions only works when they have shown that they can make good decisions. If they have shown that they can make good decisions at 15 (many can) then you continue to guide them and allow them to develop their decision making skills.
However, once a teen had shown an inability to make good decisions the parent needs to step in for a while to show the child EXACTLY why the decisions she made were bad ones. The parent needs to step in swiftly and decisively at least for a while. Then gradually they can allow the child another chance to make the right decisions.
I think it's wrong to start out not trusting your child, but once she has shown she cannot be trusted the parent really has no choice but to clamp down, at least for a while.
Good post - at about age 15, 16 is when the parents start giving the child some rein but only if the child appears to be ready and capable of good judgement.
Parenting is not guaranteed to be 100% easy all of the time. The parent cannot simply fold the moment the child starts making bad decisions, that's when the child most needs the parent.
I called the police here once to ask when was the age a child could be a "latchkey" child for a couple hours or so after school - they explained there is no set age.
They find children of 7 or 8 years of age home alone with the doors locked, quietly doing homework or watching television, and who know how to contact parents and 911. They said on the other hand, they sometimes find 16 year olds that are incapable of being left home alone, that will get into the parents alcohol, drive the car without permission and the parents can be held for their actions because they left them unattended.
Thanks for the replies, there's lots of useful ideas in there. To clarify a couple of things, when I say that I've met this boy before, what I really mean is that I've come across this boy before. My daughter has never introduced him to me as a friend/potential boyfriend...he's never been amongst the kids at the house. I learnt a lot more last weekend about what was going on with this boy, as I say, my daughter has been quite deceptive about all that. She actually admitted to me about another incident within the past few weeks that she lied about where she was going....guilty conscience... I think that I would be right in saying that this whole deception and lying thing has happened just a couple of times in the last maybe, 3 weeks (I'd really be surprised to learn something different...).
I agree that she shouldn't have been in the car. And it certainly wasn't something that I approved of, or knew of. We have spoken about this, prior to last weekend, and I have told her that I want to know the kids that she wants to be in a car with.
I dropped her off to "go to a movie with 'regular' friends". And one of the other kid's mom's was giving them a ride home. I didn't check on that because she has been trustworthy. There was no mention of the other kids or cars. She lied to me.
She's grounded in a loss of privileges kind of way (....and a life, in general...). I have actually considered something like you mention. I would like for there to be an opportunity for her to learn more about the consequences of teenagers, cars, alcohol and whatever may or may not have been thrown out the window, outside of just hearing it from dad.
The police said the driver was not under the influence....whether or not he may have become under the influence later on that night I don't know....
Yes, it's been just the kids and I for a while now so it's all up to me. We've gone through some serious issues in regards to their mother, I have a very close and open relationship with my children because of that. It has certainly made talking about sex with my teenage daughter a lot easier (a rather unlikely and surprising gift to receive from their mother really...).
I think that I needed to hear someone else say that it's typical teenage behavior. I am really disappointed by it all because we have a close relationship and she lied to me, and deceived me. But I am trying to remind myself that so much of it is part of being a teenager. You're right that the lying has to be addressed. I have always taught my children to tell the truth. And to me that is one of the worst parts of it for me. And she does know that, I know that that's a major reason for her not wanting the police to call me, and why she hasn't looked at me when she's told me that they didn't throw anything out the window (I've told her she can tell me the truth about that when she's ready, so she knows where I stand on that).
I think that this is important....or at least that she thinks she made the decision all by herself even if she was nudged in that direction. My hope is that she will learn from the encounter with the cops that this is not a direction that she wants. And that she has better friends in her life. I'm sure that it all seemed exciting and rebellious until the cops appeared...
Thanks for saying that, that's basically the direction that I'm heading in at the moment.
Thanks for the feed back... You really sound like you are "grounded" too.
You are doing a great job, you really are. Open, honest, and asking for help...I am a single parent too, and I know how tough it is.. Cheers to you!
I am a big beleiver that if kids don't have something positive to fill there time with, no goals to work on, nothing to be excited about and look forward to, they will find a way to get into trouble. I was one of those kids in trouble for a few of my teen years.
I agree with that. She is pretty involved in things, she's pretty energetic... But I do think that adding more might put a bit much on her. I think kids need some time to be kids too.
The college idea is good. She is interested in college (I have said to her "you realize that colleges usually ask if you've ever been arrested or had charges in applications?" I think she took that on board, she did say "do I have to tell them about THIS?!!")
You are doing a great job, you really are. Open, honest, and asking for help...
Thank you. That's nice to hear...because I had been wondering what I was doing all this week...
Quote:
Originally Posted by old biddie
I am a single parent too, and I know how tough it is..
Yes....it's not the life I anticipated when my children were born. Back then I assumed I'd have a companion in raising them. It is tough, but in many ways we're better off like this...not that I don't wish my children had 'a' mother in their lives.
Thank you. That's nice to hear...because I had been wondering what I was doing all this week...
Yes....it's not the life I anticipated when my children were born. Back then I assumed I'd have a companion in raising them. It is tough, but in many ways we're better off like this...not that I don't wish my children had 'a' mother in their lives.
Your children will be fine with you as a parent.
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