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Greetings,
As a Mother - the advice I have for you, is to get your kids involved in a a youth group at church. They have alot of fun stuff to do at church, they have camping,sports and vacations, tons of stuff planned for the kids. This is not a boring place to be, and built in mentors. If you can call a church and see if the youth pastor will come to your home and meet with you and the kids. Have snacks and drink for them, make the atmosphere light, take the phone off the hook. Or just find out when they have a meeting and you take your kids there to check it out.
I would make my presence known to the teens in your area, that this behavior is not acceptable by you and will not continue. At best there teaching your kids to lie, sneak around, and to talk there problems over with them,and that there for them. To alienate your kids from you. That is a design from hell to take your kids away and destroy there lives. In a youth group, there is good responsible adults and teens who they can speak to about a problems. As kids at this age, there discovering themselves in a whole new way. Sometimes they dont want to talk to us.
Then there is the good old rebellion, stand your ground, snoop around everything, room,computer- my space, locker at school, everything that touches your child life. Dont second guess yourself at decisions you make - it will make you crazy.
Speak with the parents of the kids she is running with and hopefully they have the same values as you do and form a support group with each other. If they dont - which there are some that dont, stand your ground. Create a hang out place that is safe and can be monitered by adults. Remember the back yard tree house..
Go to the movies and sit in the back row. Dont let her know you are there. How old is the boy who is involved with your daughter, normally you can scare them off. Ask her if she wants birth control and condoms, tell her how they will examine her and that also is a scare tatic that has worked with many teens. Peer pressure is huge and has alot of clout with kids wanting to fit in and be cool. No matter what it takes to protect your kids - I wouldn't worry about there privacy. Some of this they dont need to know your doing.. they will tell you I hate you, not true. again remember rebellion it comes to every child and some adults I know still do.
God said to honor your Mother and Father, didn't say they had to like us or love us. They will be mad at you now and thank you later..
Get the book, "Praying for your adult Children" by Stormie O'Martin, it is really good and I wished she wrote this years ago. You can get it at any christian book store. and it does fit parenting skills for teens.
In the meantime let us know how your doing
and be Blessed
1. You are never going to be "impressed with the boy", no matter who he is. Deall with that.
2. You haven't said anything about her life goals. These need to be entered into your conversations with her. What are her life goals, and what does she need to do in her life to achieve them, and what can you do to be supportive of furthering those goal? If she sees her goals clearly, and has someone to work with her, she will be more inclined to conduct herself in self-directed ways.
She has her circle of friends. She can't be expected to just walk away and step into another more appropriate clique and say "Hi there". She needs to have her own sense of what kinds of friends she wants to have. With a clearer sense of what that socialization consists of, she will evolve into it.
I am a single mom and I have a 17 year old daughter who has tested the limits this last year- I've asked many ?'s here regarding teens- boy i never knew the teen years would be so stressful. My daughter has been on a great trek lately. she is a junior , had a BF since March- and is babysitting alot- has own checking account and never asks for money. I think her behavior is "normal" - they are teens and will lie and will hang with the worng group at some time. I think if you supervise them too much they will never learn how to make their own decisions. We recently went on our 1st college visit and I think it has gotten her thinking about what she plans to do- Her grades are excellent right now- all A's and high B's. hang in there and she will be fine. I think 15 is also young to be riding in a car with new driver's-
As kids at this age, there discovering themselves in a whole new way. Sometimes they dont want to talk to us.
Yes, I think that a lot of this is her finding her way/finding her identity. And also influence from the new friends, peer pressure from them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lionandlamb
Then there is the good old rebellion, stand your ground, snoop around everything, room,computer- my space, locker at school, everything that touches your child life. Dont second guess yourself at decisions you make - it will make you crazy.
I'm not sure that I'm ready to snoop on her, or go sit in on the movies. After years of working on having an open and honest relationship I don't see that going well for us. Yeah, she lied to me this time, I would hope that she will figure out that lying doesn't work for long and it's not worth it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lionandlamb
How old is the boy who is involved with your daughter, normally you can scare them off.
The boy is 16. He was down at the police station too. I didn't get a chance to say anything to him but he saw me looking at him...
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88
1. You are never going to be "impressed with the boy", no matter who he is. Deall with that.
Haha. Alright. Good point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88
2. You haven't said anything about her life goals.
Oh we do talk about all that, about college and things like that. She's got her hopes and plans.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88
She has her circle of friends. She can't be expected to just walk away and step into another more appropriate clique and say "Hi there". She needs to have her own sense of what kinds of friends she wants to have. With a clearer sense of what that socialization consists of, she will evolve into it.
The thing is she does have a 'more appropriate' group of friends. This kid that she's started hanging out with has opened her up to a new group. I realize that kids grow apart, grow up at different rates. The 'original' group of friends are still around, and have been more communicative (and sympathetic) with her since this happened than the new group of kids so hopefully she'll see that she's got some great friends around her already.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hlsess
I think if you supervise them too much they will never learn how to make their own decisions.
I agree. I have been giving her the freedom to make many decisions, and she's held up her side pretty well until this. I think that I need to step in for a while but I'm not going to just yank it away from her permanently.
It sounds like your daughter's doing great.
You've got some good advice to mull over, and more important you sound like a reasonable fellow. Having a daughter is rough. You know what they say, "when you have a son you only have one penor to worry about, when you have a daughter...you have 10,000 to worry about". I was a rebellious teen so I can confidently say what would have/have not worked for me. One that would not have worked would be to force me to do anything. Two things that would have worked would have been appealing to my greedy side, and supporting a fun hobby/sport. Luckily I found dirt bikes at 13, that saved me. Find something really cool and fun to get your daughter into, motorcycling, go karting, shooting, heck maybe even skydiving. Show her that there is fun stuff to do when you're not making out and drinking or smoking weed. Those crummy behaviors are rewarded with trips to the police station, where half decent behavior (don't expect too much!) rewards something really fun.
I've got about 7 years before my daughter hits 15, and since I'm not in your situation I can't say this with 100% confidence, but I think I would immediately remove all restrictions on her. No grounding, no lingering punishment of any kind. I would tell her once, in an extremely direct fashion, how often kids die in cars when screwing around with alcohol/drugs, and if she ever finds herself in that situation...speak up and get out of the car! Let her know she really can call you anytime day or night for help in any situation she's not comfortable with. Maybe even come up with a discreet texting way to do so. Tell her there is no pregnancy until after college, run the numbers for her, let her know how much she would need to earn just to scrape by as a single mom. Keep those 'lectures' short and sweet, tell her you're not going to remind her of those things, and you expect her to remember them. And then, let her suffer the consequences of her actions. If she's smart enough, it will all work out from there. Micromanaging is for controllers, you literally cannot control a teenager. If you somehow managed to control her, she's going to be like a kid in a candy store when she turns 18 and moves out, no bueno.
Snooping around wasn't easy, even thou my relationship with the boys was honesty, just seems that when they reach a certian age, fear sets in of telling the truth, they start experimenting with life I got to the point that I just told them, certain things do not come in the house. If I see one, I will began to snoop. They knew it up front. Still they would test the limits. My friend snoop in her daughters diary that she kept, she said it was hard, but it prevented teen age pregancy.
It's very hard for a parent that has been very close devoted parent to get tough when the teen years come. I had to. and sitting in the back of the movie (thank God only once) paid off. There are so many teens who will hand your teens drugs and say it is okay - I have your back covered. Here start with this condom, its safe sex its okay.
The person who I caught trying to convince my son to try drugs was a very close adult friend of the families at the movies. When you suspect something follow up on it. Were not living in a time that it is like leave it to beaver show.
Even thou we did have the door open to speak about anything, still is, my boys who now are 20/21, said that it still wasn't cool to talk with your parents. Said by us having that hang out place for them in the backyard was the trick. We weathered with out any major problems.
Times have changed, I was the only girl with single dad, he wouldn't let me date until I was 18. The boys were to scared to ask me out. He would say that they only want one thing from you, I look back now and laugh, say thanks dad for loving me that much. and what is really funny today my Sons agree with my dad if they had a daughter today...
Your going to make it thru this - there is so many self helps out there, you reached on this post. Looks like you got some good advice and a new support group.
DO you know what happen to the 16 yr old boy?
Be BLessed
I would make sure that she is supervised at all times so that she does not have an opportunity to hang out with these kids. If it is impossible to supervise her directly after school because you are at work you need to tell her that you will be calling home at random times in the afternoon and there were be repercussions for her if she does not answer the phone. Do not call her cell phone.
Tell her that she will go only place you drive her and that if she wants to go to someone's house you will drive her there, meet the adult that will be at home, and you will pick her up.
If she goes to the movies drop her off with enough money to see the movie she wants and pick her up immediately afterwards.
Tell her that her friends are welcome at your house whenever you are there and they are not welcome there when you are not there.
OMG, I'd leave home! If your kids haven't run away yet, be very concerned for them when they turn 18 and are now forced to make decisions for themselves.
I think the OP is doing a great job. Teens are.........teens - almost adults. It's a wonderful and scary time - for them and for us as parents. It's a time for them to start putting into practice all those lessons we have been trying to teach them and to let them make mistakes; then back them up and send them out again to make another mistake. I don't know who said it, but we don't learn from what we do right, we learn from mistakes. If we don't make mistakes, we don't learn our limitations, we don't learn about others (who to trust/not trust), etc.
Keep doing what you've been doing, OP -- and keep following your instincts.
OMG, I'd leave home! If your kids haven't run away yet, be very concerned for them when they turn 18 and are now forced to make decisions for themselves.
I think the OP is doing a great job. Teens are.........teens - almost adults. It's a wonderful and scary time - for them and for us as parents. It's a time for them to start putting into practice all those lessons we have been trying to teach them and to let them make mistakes; then back them up and send them out again to make another mistake. I don't know who said it, but we don't learn from what we do right, we learn from mistakes. If we don't make mistakes, we don't learn our limitations, we don't learn about others (who to trust/not trust), etc.
Keep doing what you've been doing, OP -- and keep following your instincts.
You would leave home because your parents supervised you closely AFTER you wound up at the police station? WOW! This child has already proved that she needs supervision.
As a former high school kid who drank like a fish come Friday night....I can tell you that it really didn't matter what my parents said to me. I was going to do what I was going to do and that's all there was to it. As long as I never got caught I wasn't ever going to be stopped. The only thing my dad ever caught me at was when a friend of mine left a pack of cigs in my front seat. I didn't smoke....but man did I ever get a butt chewing over it because he sure thought I did.
Don't know what advice to give to the OP. Just....good luck. And don't be so hard on her that you end up driving her away. Grounding is good....she knows she did wrong. Sounds like you are doing a good job overall.
You would leave home because your parents supervised you closely AFTER you wound up at the police station? WOW! This child has already proved that she needs supervision.
I'm not so sure that she has proved she needs supervision more than what she is already getting. But you weren't suggesting supervision but a state so clearly showing distrust that she might as well have been in ankle chains. The only thing you didn't suggest was a beating with a truncheon!
The kid made a mistake - it COULD have been costly but it wasn't. It was an error in judgment and she deserves a 2nd chance not a prison term. I think the OP has a good head on his shoulders.
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