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Ok, please, no flames here, about how dumb I am, computer inept, etc, no flames about how I don't keep control in my own household, don't know what my kids are doing, etc, I KNOW that!
First, I really don't know what Facebook is, other than a social network site. Somehow I got on it, I signed up by "accident" (please, no flames), I was just poking around, got on Facebook, and was instantly frightened that so much could be known about me, so I just signed off.
But I just discovered tonight my daughter is on Facebook! She has 159 "friends". She only 13, and I doubt she understands "discretion". Heaven only knows what she's been saying to her "friends".
Ok, I know, its my "fault" for giving her a computer in the first place, and, second, not monitoring it better. Actually, her Dad allows it, I'm the "computer dummy" here.
Please, I really don't understand WTH Facebook is, but I want her OFF it. The only way I understand how to restrict access is to physically remove the damn thing from her room, I locked it up in my office. My husband is currently out of town, he's coming home next weekend. His attitude is somewhat lax concerning our kids use of computers. BTE, my son "had" a laptop, but he broke it, he likes to fiddle with things, he "fiddled" too much and broke it, so, his access is "denied".
Am I overreacting to my daughter's use of Facebook? I'm just concerned as to what she's doing, who she's chatting with, and what she might be saying. She could out us in a comprimising situation without realizing it. I feel I have a right and obligation to know who she associates with, both physically and in cyberspace.
So, any advice? BTW, she's mad at me big time for taking her computer away, but it was meant for school assignments, etc, not to socialize with heaven knows what!
When I signed up on Facebook I had to fill out a profile and it asked your age .. your supposed to be at least 13 to be there .. so she is allowed on the site but you can go back and look at her friends and her profile .. For me I like the games I can play there and it allows me to talk to folks I knew from years ago .. lots of stuff there .. go look at her wall see who posts to her .. it does have an im feature as well.. I think looking at her friends would be wise .. if they are kids her ages then I wouldnt worry to much .. Face book is a tool and used with care is ok and fun for anyone.. I think at this point that her profile would concern me most and whats on her wall.. if those are with in reason then MAYBE its not to bad for her to be there .. same for myspace ..
I would make a point to moniter the facebook tho and make sure she
1 knows your watching
2 join face book and friend her
3 enjoy yourself there ..
I am not a social butterfly and normally dont do social sites but face is better than I expected and with care can be fun for users ..
JMHO anyways .. I am friended on my kids and grand kids pages and have found a lot of old friends from high school and made lots of new one via my circle of family and friends .. give it a try you might be suprised
Now YES you do have the right and the responsibility to know her friends and who she talks to .. she is only 13, I dont think you over reacted by taking the computer from her untill you had time to check her face book and look at what she is doing ..
yanno about cyber nanny and other parental control soft ware right?? Have your husband put it on her computer and set it up so it blocks face book and other places you dont want her on IF thats what you want at this point in time .. .. if thats not your style then have him put on a keystroke logger and check it weekly ..
you might also google her screen name and see what pops up .. she might be places you dont expect and wouldnt allow if you knew ..
and to all who think I am being a bit high handed .. the kid is only 13 so pay attation to whats going on in her life on line ..
at 16 you have really no control and cant stop her short of locking her in her room w/o a computer or phone .. that.. so help her now and then at 16 your not gonna be stressing as much over her choices because you gave her all the tools to make the right ones when she was younger ..
good luck Mary the ride is gonna be a eyepoener thats for sure ..
Last edited by Faworki1947; 10-25-2009 at 04:42 AM..
Being a teen (and the parent of a teen) in the age of instant communication is, IMO, very challenging. I don't have a teen yet although I work with teenagers quite a bit (I'm a therapist). I think you need to do what you think is best for your family. I will share some compromises some of the teens and parents I know use re: social networking sites, if you decide to let her use it.
* have the parent monitor the FB use/sign up yourself and be your daughter's "friend" on FB so you can see what's on the wall and having this be a condition of using fb (as suggested by the last poster)
* have "the talk" about what information we put out about ourselves that can be seen by the world including future employers, current teachers, the person you used to be friends with whom you've now had a falling out, etc. (I always like to say if you wouldn't say it in a crowded cafeteria or mall for everyone to hear then don't write it on your wall)
* use it as an opportunity to talk about privacy, relationships with peers, responsibility, not "posting" out of anger/emotion, etc.
* there are security settings on Facebook that limit what can be seen by whom - the most secure is "only friends" can see the wall, photos, etc. - this keeps strangers from being able to access her private information - you have to manually go into the security tab to set these (separate security for each photo album)
Keep in mind also that while restricting computer access may keep her from using social networking sites, it also may not - kids sometimes have accounts that their parents are unaware of that they can access from others friends' computers, mobile phones, etc.
She also has her pictue posted, taken in my husbands' home office. There's a lot of stuff on the walls that could be blown up to readable size, things like diplomas, certificates, along with other personal information. She just posted a ton of her Dad's personal information all over cyberspace. If one tried hard enough, he could find our address and phone number, there's stuff all over that office with personal information.
She really doesn't understand discretion, nor the threat of identity theft. She's only 12 now, we've discussed with her the dangers to her reputation, how it could affect college admissions, future careers, but she thinks that's a long way off. But she could hurt our career prospects, depending on what she's saying about us as a family. I really need to know what she's been saying to her "friends" is there any way I can get into her messages, or wall, or whatever it is?
Geez, why does life have to be so complicated? When we wanted friends, we just talked to them, now everything is bounced off a satellilte........
Last edited by marylee54; 10-25-2009 at 05:21 AM..
She also has her pciutre posted, taken in my husbands' home office. There's a lot of stuff on the walls that could be blown up to readable size, things like diplomas, certificates, along with other personal information. She just posted a ton of her Dad's personal information all over cyberspace. If one tried had enough, he could find our address and phone number, there's stuff all over that office with personal information.
She really doesn't understand dsicretion, not the threat of identity theft. She's only 12 now, we've discussed with her the dangers to her reputation, how it could affect coolege admissions, future careers, but she thinks that's a long way off. But she could hurt our career prospects, depending on what she's saying about us as a family. I really need to know what she's been saying to her "friends" is there any way I can get into her messages, or wall, or whatever it is?
Geez, why does life have to be so complicated? When we wanted friends, we just talked to them, now everything is bounced off a satellilte........
Maybe a "if you want to the privilege of having a fb account, you must adhere to the family rules about privacy" chat - i.e., find a new picture that doesn't have anyone's personal info in the background, not discussing family in detail on fb, etc. You can impose rules about your/the family's private information (info that is not "hers" to share) that have nothing to do with her current understanding of discretion.
Her "wall" is the page that pops up when you click on her name/profile. If you have a fb account yourself and are a friend of hers, you should be able to easily see her wall. Go to the FB privacy page to read FB safety tips for users and parents - FYI, as a 12 yo, she should not be able to have a FB account without parental permission - they will delete the profile if they find out she is under 13 and using the account without your permission.
Another compromise used by some of the teens I've worked with is that in order to have the privilege of having a fb account, parents have deleting discretion - i.e., if you post something that we deem too personal (preferably these rules are discussed in advance) and we ask you to delete it, it gets deleted AND you lose the privilege of having the account for x amount of time.
Keep having the discretion conversations with her in as concrete terms as possible, with as many short-term consequences as possible (e.g., if Susie sees your wall where you and Annie are making fun of her, what do you think will happen next? If you post x about dad and I, you'll have to delete it and you won't have fb privileges for 2 weeks).
I agree with East as well Face should be a privilave not a right .. and yeh if she is only 12 then you need to contact FB and complain or you get her password and delete the acct yourself .. harsh of course meanest mommie in the world award for you but peace of mind is better than dealing with some of the stuff you relized she had posted ..
I dunno I am of two minds and think at 12 she is just too young for facebook at 13 still alittle young and dumb but if watched/guided carefully maybe ..
Get her password, and change it to a PW only you know. Then you will have to log on for her.
There is nothing wrong with Facebook. You can set your setting on there, so no one can even search for you, and only your "friends" (people you approve), can see your profile. This may be difficult for you to understand if you are not familiar with the site.
Also, make your own FB profile and request her as a friend, so you can see her page at all times. Of course you can also do this, by being the only one who knows the PW.
Look at her photos and make sure there is nothing on there that should not be.
I have a FB page but I don't like it, I think it's rather boring...I prefer Myspace.
Sound advice. I did not know the full extent of how fB worked til I got myself a profile and discovered what everyone was so excited about.
I have young cousins and my dh's young cousins (late teens early 20s) as friends and I must say their walls and stuff they do on fb is far different from the stuff my dh and I do - we do a lot of reconnecting, "boring" stuff, sharing photos with friends....So it really does behoove you to friend her and keep an eye on what she is doing.
I have a few FB friends who do not use their real names. You might want to have her consider doing that. Its not like she is trying to reconnect with old high school classmates. And definitely discuss the whole idea of not allowing friends that she might not know well. When I joined I got some requests from friends of friends, who were people I did not know. Some people want to friend you just so they can get you to play Mafia Wars or Farmville or whatever with them, which is at best annoying, but I can imagine there might be simply nosy people out there that really have no business being friends with her.
There are levels of privacy settings on fb and I prefer to use the highest privacy setting, as I assume many people do. I would spend some time investigating this.
I have a child approaching the age where I am going to need to keep a closer eye on his computer usage and I have considered the keystroke logger and other parental "spy ware" and controls for the PC. I don't have any specific suggestions for programs though.
Ok, please, no flames here, about how dumb I am, computer inept, etc, no flames about how I don't keep control in my own household, don't know what my kids are doing, etc, I KNOW that!
First, I really don't know what Facebook is, other than a social network site. Somehow I got on it, I signed up by "accident" (please, no flames), I was just poking around, got on Facebook, and was instantly frightened that so much could be known about me, so I just signed off.
But I just discovered tonight my daughter is on Facebook! She has 159 "friends". She only 13, and I doubt she understands "discretion". Heaven only knows what she's been saying to her "friends".
Ok, I know, its my "fault" for giving her a computer in the first place, and, second, not monitoring it better. Actually, her Dad allows it, I'm the "computer dummy" here.
Please, I really don't understand WTH Facebook is, but I want her OFF it. The only way I understand how to restrict access is to physically remove the damn thing from her room, I locked it up in my office. My husband is currently out of town, he's coming home next weekend. His attitude is somewhat lax concerning our kids use of computers. BTE, my son "had" a laptop, but he broke it, he likes to fiddle with things, he "fiddled" too much and broke it, so, his access is "denied".
Am I overreacting to my daughter's use of Facebook? I'm just concerned as to what she's doing, who she's chatting with, and what she might be saying. She could out us in a comprimising situation without realizing it. I feel I have a right and obligation to know who she associates with, both physically and in cyberspace.
So, any advice? BTW, she's mad at me big time for taking her computer away, but it was meant for school assignments, etc, not to socialize with heaven knows what!
My advice -- get to know it because it's not going away. Rejoin facebook and make sure she accepts you as a facebook friend or at least tell her you have to be her facebook friend until she's 18 or 19 or whatever age you think he's ready to be on her own.
Then you can see her friends, you can see what kinds of messages people leave her.
Facebook is simply what you make it - just like city-data forums are. A lot of families use facebook for cousins to stay in contact and aunts, uncle, parents stay in touch, post pictures others might like, or pictures of family reunions.
I think rather than take computers away and the social networking pages away, it's better to teach children the proper use of them. A lot of things on facebook are perfectly harmless. Try it and you might like it.
One thing I don't think anyone has mentioned. Even if you stop usage, if a kid really wants to be on FB they will find a way. Their friend's cell phone? Friend's computer at their house... a computer in the computer class at school? At my daughter's school after they completed their assignments in computer class they were free to use the internet. They weren't SUPPOSED to check their email on certain sites..but they did.
Teaching proper usage and learning how to monitor it is a much wiser choice than just removing it. Although you might remove her "portal" at your home, it won't be for good probably.
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