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I am not sure where to put this but it does involve parents so here it goes. First of all, I have great in-laws. They are wonderful people and I get along with them. So why the drama? Well, its not them I am really avoiding. It is how my husband acts around them.
Take our last visit. We went down for a three day visit. By day two I could tell that my husband was hurting, he has some back problems and I knew he was experiencing a flare up. I told him that it might not be a good idea to stay the extra night and he agreed that we should head home. That conversation was at noon. At five o'clock we were sitting in the living room and FIL said something about what to do the next day. My husband said, oh well dad we actually were going to head home today. I was floored. How could he have not said anything to them this whole time? So I had another discussion with him and we decided we were going to leave after supper. Supper comes and goes and we are still sitting there. So when I approach my husband on why aren't we leaving when we said we would he replies that I did not specify a time. We finally get on the road and he tells me about my bad communication problems. I told him I was no longer interested in going to see relatives with him. He does this type of thing all the time. He tell me one thing, does another, tells family a completely different thing and when I confront him on it he tells me I am crazy. I have had several conversations with him about how I do not appreciate this behavior but it is clear he will not stop.
The thing is now the in-laws are asking for us to come down for Thanksgiving. My husband told them that we are just staying home. At some point they are going to wonder why I won't come out anymore and I have told my husband he can very well explain it to them but I know he will not. He is afraid to tell them anything. They were good parents and very easy to talk to so why he gets weird about these things just baffles me to no end. My parents were horrible about that kind of stuff yet I have not had any problems with communicating with them. I have a feeling that I am going to have to end up being the one to explain this as well but I can't figure out how to do it without making everyone mad.
By the way, my husband had a full blown spasm attack after we got home and was on his back for a few days. Ever time I walked by him he would say how much he loved me, since duh-I was the one taking care of him. After he recovered he went back to his usual self.
I have told my husband he can very well explain it to them but I know he will not. He is afraid to tell them anything. They were good parents and very easy to talk to so why he gets weird about these things just baffles me to no end.
Maybe it will help to understand why your husband does this. I only know because my son developed anxiety issues. Two years ago, I wouldn't have had a clue.
Your husband is avoidiant of conflict. It might not seem like he is avoiding conflict because it feels like he has no problem having conflict with you. The reality is that he does avoid INITIATING conflict. He has no problem dealing with conflict that is initated towards him by you because he feels he has unconditional love from you. However, he more often avoids conflict initiated towards him by his parents. As a result, he is not truthful about what he wants to do. He just agrees with what you suggest to postpone the conflict until you initiate it against him when the time comes to follow through with what he promised. And even though his parents seem to be very easy to talk to, I assure you that he is avoiding some type of judgement from them, whether it is real or imagined. This probably only comes up when you're at his parents house because he wants to postpone conflicts with you while there so he's not forced into a conflict with his parents.
What Hopes said makes sense to me. I don't think boycotting the in-laws is a fair solution. Next time this kind of thing comes up, continue the conversation to figure out the details. "OK, what time should we go?" "how about after lunch?" "OK." Then at least you know that by lunch time, someone should be telling his parents the plan. Avoiding it doesn't help. It only makes the confrontation worse IMO.
What Hopes said makes sense to me. I don't think boycotting the in-laws is a fair solution. Next time this kind of thing comes up, continue the conversation to figure out the details. "OK, what time should we go?" "how about after lunch?" "OK." Then at least you know that by lunch time, someone should be telling his parents the plan. Avoiding it doesn't help. It only makes the confrontation worse IMO.
Well, that is kind of the problem. We do decide when to leave but then he flakes out. Even if I told his parents we were leaving after lunch he would tell them something else, back out or pretend we never had the conversation in the first place. I don't think it is a fair solution either but I have had many conversations with him about this and gotten nowhere. If he just visits his parents on his own then the only people he will play these games with are them and himself. I will not participate any more.
He does this with my family too. Only, I don't play these games with my relatives. I tell them what we are doing. I don't make stuff up.
He did what you told him too...that should count for something.
I don't see why the inlaws should be punished for his behavior.
Not trying to punish them, trying not to punish myself.
And he is doing it too for some reason but I can't figure out why. I have tried to get him to go down and go hunting or fishing with his dad and he won't do it. I think Hopes is right about him avoiding something but I don't know what. So until he can figure that out I am not playing his mind games with his family. That is in no way meant to punish them.
I was mostly hoping for any advice on how to figure out what is up with my husband, not my inlaws. He is the one being a pill, not them.
ahhhh... I thought the opposite, especially with that title!
I know, trust me if it weren't for those pesky wedding vows I would totally boycott him.
I am actually avoiding all relatives at this point because of his behavior. I love the man but he gets ridiculous about things. Like when we went to help my grandma move we had been unpacking pretty much all day and she is literally gasping for breath at the point where I said let's take a break and hit the mall for ice cream or something. He got all mad and told me we weren't leaving the house until everything was unpacked. Um, freak much? He has just pulled stuff like that way too much.
I know, trust me if it weren't for those pesky wedding vows I would totally boycott him.
I am actually avoiding all relatives at this point because of his behavior. I love the man but he gets ridiculous about things. Like when we went to help my grandma move we had been unpacking pretty much all day and she is literally gasping for breath at the point where I said let's take a break and hit the mall for ice cream or something. He got all mad and told me we weren't leaving the house until everything was unpacked. Um, freak much? He has just pulled stuff like that way too much.
How long have you been married? I was married to my husband for a few years before I started to understand the relationship he has with his mom. He told me that they didn't get along, yet we'd go visit them and spend holidays with them anyway. His mom was always sweet as pie to me. I didn't get it. Then I found out that she says really mean things to him, and always starts conversations on the negative, but she only does it when I'm not around to hear it. She is very 2 faced and manipulative. It just took me a while to figure it out. For example, about a year ago, she waited until everyone had left the room except her and my husband. Instead of saying "Are you still happy with your move" or something like that, she asks him "so, what regrets do you have about moving away from your family?" How could they have a decent honest conversation with a start like that? She also told DH that my mom said something that I know she never said (also pertaining to our move). It was an attempt to get my husband to admit that moving away was a mistake (which it wasn't). Anyway, There could be something deep-seeded in your DH's relationship w/ his mom that even he doesn't understand. Good luck. Hopefully you'll figure it out!
How long have you been married? I was married to my husband for a few years before I started to understand the relationship he has with his mom. He told me that they didn't get along, yet we'd go visit them and spend holidays with them anyway. His mom was always sweet as pie to me. I didn't get it. Then I found out that she says really mean things to him, and always starts conversations on the negative, but she only does it when I'm not around to hear it. She is very 2 faced and manipulative. It just took me a while to figure it out. For example, about a year ago, she waited until everyone had left the room except her and my husband. Instead of saying "Are you still happy with your move" or something like that, she asks him "so, what regrets do you have about moving away from your family?" How could they have a decent honest conversation with a start like that? She also told DH that my mom said something that I know she never said (also pertaining to our move). It was an attempt to get my husband to admit that moving away was a mistake (which it wasn't). Anyway, There could be something deep-seeded in your DH's relationship w/ his mom that even he doesn't understand. Good luck. Hopefully you'll figure it out!
That would make sense but his mom is very sweet to him. Both his parents rock. But he has admitted that communication has never been their thing. Not like my family mastered it either but I don't beat around bush like he does. Its crazy. He won't even tell his mom he has a tattoo and he is a grown man. I had to tell my parents I was unmarried and pregnant. He is such a wuss!
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