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I am working on teching my sons to be chivalrous. I think it is an important part of being a gentleman, and it is important to me that they grow up to be true gentlemen.
I looked around and could not find a good book or set of rules for chivalry. I started making a list, but I realized that there are some things that I do not know whether they are considered approriate these days. I am certain that there are a lot of things that I am not thinking of. I though I would ask for comments and additions.
This is my initail list:
Always open doors and car doors for women - yes, even for your sisters.
Always stand up when women enter a room or approach a table and wait until they sit before you do.
Pull out the chair for your date. (Should this apply to all woemen or is it too romantic/intimate for general social interation?)
If there is limited seating, always give up your seat for women and older people.
Never stare at a womans chest when talking with her. Always look her in the eyes (look everyone in the eyes when you are talking with them).
Squat down when talking with children, seated people or people in whellchairs so that you are looking at them on a level plane.
Do not use crass swear words.
When walking with a woman, always walk on the traffic side of the sidewalk and try to shield her from and splashes, dirt, stares, hoots, etc.
It is your obligation to defend her honor. However this must be balances with the obligation to protect her and with reason. It does no good to get in a fight and lose and leave her alone with your assailant while you lie bleeding on the ground. It is not a good idea to get into a fight and get bloodied up on a date even if you do not lose. Defending her honor has limits and is overruled by the obligation to physically protect her and not acting like a brute. Use common snese and get her away from a confrontation if possible.
When walking with a woman and crossing a puddle, offer to carry her across. If doing so, do not touch her inappropriately in any way (unless you are married to her). Be extremely sensative to where you touch her if you pick her up. (Is this still valid, or is it out of date and likely to be seen as a screwball excuse to touch her?)
In courtship conversation, always talk about her and her interests. Talk about you or your inteests when she asks.
Yes. You do have to go to chickflicks with female friends or beaux. Pretend that you like it. Cry if you want to. If she likes a movie, do nto tell her that it sucked. "It was OK" will suffice. Even if it is awful, remember to note some part of the moive as your favorite part (no not when the leading lady dies and everyone cries), so that you can discuss it later.
Order meals for your date, but ask her what she wants first. It is a courtesy thing, not a control thing.
Do not sleep while on a date, not even while watching a chickflick.
Ask her where she wants to go for dinner or what movie she wants to see, do not just drag her to your favorite action movie or pub.
If it is cold, always offer your coat to any woman that you are with. If you are with multiple women, then offer your coat to whomever is dressed the lightest. (Be sensative to offending a date by doing so if you are out in a group).
Hold the umbrella.
Always ask before touching her.
You pay or offer to pay. Every time. If she says no, then do not argue. If you cannot afford it, go somewhere cheaper.
Never ask her for gas money.
Do not pick your nose or ear, scratch your buttocks, or adjust your "stuff" in front of women. Do not spit or blow snot out of your nose in front of anyone.
Never cough or sneeze on anyone.
Try not to pass gas in company. If you do by accident, I am not sure what you should do (apologize?, ignore it?, blame the dog?).
Never leave a date alone, or leave her out of conversation, or talk with other people for very long. If you are on a date, you are with her and for her. Focus on her. You can go out with your friends later.
Do not disucss other girlfrinds, compare her to others or check out other women when you are with a date. (unless she asks)
It is your job to protect women that you are with at all times and to all extremes, even if it means risking or giving up your life. There are no exceptions.
Never ever hit trip, push a woman. Not even your sister. The sole exceptions are pushing her out of the way of danger, self defense or defense of others and the hiemlech maneuver or CPR.
If you order food and hers turns out to be awful, give her your food and trade or just skip eating.
Do not get out of control drunk on any date. Never take advantage of her being drunk.
When climbing a mountain, let her go first so you can catch her if she slips.
When with a date or beaux, always endeaor to make her feel special in some manner. Make sure she is compfrotable. Make sure that she is having a good time. If not - leave, even if that means walking out of a movie or party that you may be enjoying.
FI she passes out at a party, get her home. Do not leave her on a couch, in a corner or stick her in a currently unoccupied bedroom. If she throws up on you, do nto make a big deal of it. You should not have put her in the situation to get so drunk anyway, or maybe you shouldnot be dating her, but she is your responsibility for that time.
That is all that I can think of for a list to give them. What am I missing?
Having a daughter who dated in high school - let me offer the following, which seem to be "no brainers" but apparently are not:
When picking up a date for the evening. Do not honk for her to come out. The updated version of this is do not text her that you are sitting in the driveway waiting for her. Go to the front door, ring the bell, introduce yourself to whomever answers (if you haven't already been).
When introduced to anyone (but especially to the father of a young lady), extend your hand and shake hands firmly. Not bone crunching and not limp. Nothing is ickier than a limp handshake.
Oh - and regarding the accidental passage of gas....a simple "excuse me" would suffice....there will be plenty of time to blame it on the dog after you're married.
I am working on teching my sons to be chivalrous. I think it is an important part of being a gentleman, and it is important to me that they grow up to be true gentlemen.
Um...Chivalry is not the exclusive domain of men. Manners are for everyone. That said, a lot of the things in your list are incredibly misogynistic and not something I'd teach my boys.
I love how much thought you've put into teaching your sons to be well-mannered.
While I don't agree with all of your items, the only thing I can think to add is "Be responsive. Listen to what she is saying, even if it is "don't you dare order my food for me" and remember what she said." and "Being chivalrous is not treating her like a damsel in distress. She is a perfectly competent human being all by herself."
I agree with the posters noting that teaching girls to be well-mannered is important too (many of these items could work for boys or girls).
I love the majority of your list (although I too would always like to order my own food). Another important thing in the realm of chivalry, teach your son to dance or have him take a lesson or two.
I grew up in a liberal large city but went to school in the south, where the boys could dance and tie a bow tie...I married one of them
What about Cotillion classes? I know they are offered here. They go over manners as well as the basics of dancing....
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and remember what she said." and "Being chivalrous is not treating her like a damsel in distress. She is a perfectly competent human being all by herself."
