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I had my son when I was 18. I busted my a$$ working two jobs and going to school three nights a week so I could give him a good life. His father and I split up because he didn't care about us and only wanted to screw around with other girls. He would only spend time with his son when I made him. Finally I gave up and waited for him to decide he wanted to see his son.
Over the last 15 years, his dad has seen him once or twice a year. He moved out of state a few years ago to live with some girl. He always tells my son that he wants to see him more but he has to work. Whenever they are together they just hang out and act like friends. His father has no rules when they are together. He tells him that he can stay with him and do whatever he wants.
My house is a different story. I have rules because I act like a parent and not a "buddy".
As I have mentioned in another post, I monitor his emails occasionally. Ever since he met this 13yo girl they have been talking on the phone and by email. I told him to stay away from her because of her age so he is mad about that.
Lately most of his emails to this girl have been about how "cool" and "awsome" his dad is. How his dad lets him "do whatever he wants". How he wants to live with him. How his dad would never tell him what to do. How if he and the girl went to his dads house together that his dad would leave them alone together and tell them to "have fun". How they could sleep in the same bed together.(I'd like to believe that the last two would never happen but...)
He rarely mentions me except today he said "my mom can die in a pile of dog s**t for all I care". That one really pi$$e$ me off!!
Hid dad never wanted anything to do with him since the day I found out I was pregnant. I had to make him spend time with his son. But somehow dad is the greatest person on earth!!! WTF!!!
I really, really hope that someday he sees his dad for who he really is. I'm sorry for such a long rant but I am so angry right now.
As someone raising my GD, I have been the bad guy, while her parents (not together) have been absent most of the time in every way- emotionally, financially, physically- could do no wrong. I know how it hurts so deep inside.
I have come to understand that the hurtful things that she has said to and about me are because she knew that I would always be there for her. That my love for her was unconditional. She wouldn't dare say things like that about her mother or father because it could lead to even more alienation from them.
Your son is at an age when he is testing his boundaries, rebelling, acting out. As long as you are the constant with your love and your rules, I think he will bounce back once he goes through this period. He will know soon enough, if he doesn't already, that you are his rock.
It's only been in the last year that my GD told me one time that she knows that I was the best person to raise her. She said it just one time, then changed the subject. I continue to make her mad with my rules, but just knowing that she knows that she's in the right place makes handling the emotional roller coaster of the teen years easier to deal with.
I don't think I would read my kids' e-mails, though. As it is, I pretend not to hear the under-the-breath comments that my kids make every so often when they are really mad at me. BC if they know that I have heard it, I have to address it.
BTW- have you had "the talk" with him? Not just about sex, but about respectful dating, etc. "The talk" as my son calls it, is ongoing with us. More than he would like! It's more about being respectful to his girlfriend than sex now, but it may be a way for your son to have a closer connection to you.
Sorry, but if your son is 15 years old, and DAD is so great, why don't you send him to live with dear daddy? Yeah, it sounds like your son needs a real reality check. Kids can be so clueless. Good job though mom.... at least YOU were a responsible parent. It's horrible sometimes......trying to be the GOOD parent. I'm sorry your son is so fricken clueless. As far as I'd be concerned....if my son got that little girl pregnant....he WOULD be going to live with daddy. You raised his son.....he could raise his grandchild and grown son.....AND the girlfriend! Hang in there.....and yeah, send him to live with dad as soon as possible....LOL I had a friend in the same predicament..with a 14 year old daughter. Mom had rules, dad had none. Well, lemme tell ya....2 months with dear daddy....and she came RUNNING back home to mom. Why? Because (in her words)...her mom actually CARED what happened to her! Dad doesn't even CARE what I do! ......which equated to...Dad...doesn't...CARE!
i am sorry you are suffering , you-- like me, give 100% in your efforts. have you seen a counselor for yourself? do you know what codependency is?
here is a link explaining & defining what coda is-- look at "characteristics and patterns".
Sorry, but if your son is 15 years old, and DAD is so great, why don't you send him to live with dear daddy? Yeah, it sounds like your son needs a real reality check. Kids can be so clueless. Good job though mom.... at least YOU were a responsible parent. It's horrible sometimes......trying to be the GOOD parent. I'm sorry your son is so fricken clueless. As far as I'd be concerned....if my son got that little girl pregnant....he WOULD be going to live with daddy. You raised his son.....he could raise his grandchild and grown son.....AND the girlfriend! Hang in there.....and yeah, send him to live with dad as soon as possible....LOL I had a friend in the same predicament..with a 14 year old daughter. Mom had rules, dad had none. Well, lemme tell ya....2 months with dear daddy....and she came RUNNING back home to mom. Why? Because (in her words)...her mom actually CARED what happened to her! Dad doesn't even CARE what I do! ......which equated to...Dad...doesn't...CARE!
I kind of agree with that. Dad has no rules because Dad only sees the kid 2 times a year, what happens if Dad and his girlfriend suddenly have teenage son living in their home 24-7. Will Dad continue to be the fantasy parent for long? Will girlfriend or Dad like doing the dishes and picking up after the son who expects they will remain the fantasy parents?
What happens when a teenage son moves in, invites his friends to hang out in this fantasy parent run home?
It sounds like Dad has kind of helped build up this fantasy image, and should have the fun in living it for awhile.
I don't know if I could do that. I'd just worry that something irreversible would happen, like my son would knock up his 13-year-old girlfriend because Dad let him have sex in his house, or the 13-year-old girlfriend gives him herpes, or he does something stupid and illegal, with or without the girlfriend. lack of supervision can be disastrous. The boy might come home after a dose of reality, or maybe he will really like living there. I don't know if I could make that gamble.
I don't know if I could do that. I'd just worry that something irreversible would happen, like my son would knock up his 13-year-old girlfriend because Dad let him have sex in his house, or the 13-year-old girlfriend gives him herpes, or he does something stupid and illegal, with or without the girlfriend. lack of supervision can be disastrous. The boy might come home after a dose of reality, or maybe he will really like living there. I don't know if I could make that gamble.
I agree - it is easy to say that if he thinks Dad is so cool then he can just go live with him, but the stakes are too high at this age to let your son go off to a situation that you know to be irresponsible at best and unsafe at worst.
I feel your pain - I have a teenage son myself and know that words of thanks or kindness are few and far between. I, too, have read some of his emails and texts that sound incredibly unappreciative, rude and jerky. I agree with the advice to stop torturing yourself with too much email reading. I know as parents we have to snoop a bit, especially if we think a situation needs some surveillance, but don't do it any more than you have to. Kids sometimes treat emails as a journal and say things that they don't actually mean, but it feels good to get them down on "paper". Let it go and don't let it color how you see your son.
Hand in there and keep up the good work. One day this will all pay off...
I saw the "I hate my mom" stuff too when my daughter was a teen. I think ALL teenagers have had those thoughts even if they never said it aloud. Technology just gives them a different voice. I know it's hard but trust that he WILL outgrow this phase. My daughter is now 22 and we have a great relationship. She still goes out with her dad occasionally for 'fun' but has told me many times that that's all there is to their relationship, FUN. When she needs help or advice or just someone to talk to it's MY phone that rings.
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