Why does race have to matter???? (legally, teaching, babies, weigh)

[skoe]

Are you or do you have a child who is a different race than you? Are you being raised in a mixed race home? How has that effected you? Do you feel like you should be with your own race? Do you ever feel out of place?

This is my story....

I was put up for adoption when I was born. 3 months later I was adopted into the most wonderful family a child could ask for. There was my mom, a Geologist, my dad a Microscopic Anatomist and my brother who was 2 when they adopted me. My parents had my brother to experience having a baby and then decided to adopt a girl. They didn't care about the race, they just wanted a baby soon! They were living in Saskatchewan so there were tons of Aboriginal kids waiting for homes. My mom said when they went to the adoption agency they were handed a huge photo album of aboriginal babies and were told to pick one!
My mom picked me because my hair was standing straight up and my eyes were crossed. Thank goodness for looking so goofy!

Growing up my parents tried their best to keep me in touch with my culture. They took me to pow wows, cultural centers and read me many, many books on my culture and being aboriginal in a white home. I never felt out of place.

Everything changed when I entered public school in grade 9. All of a sudden I was with people who didn't know me. They assumed I was an off the street native who was less fortunate than them. I was so naive thinking they would see me as white and like me the way my family and friends did. Boy was I wrong.

I truly learned what it was like to be an outcast. I was white on the inside so was drawn to the white kids but they didn't like me because I was native. I then looked to the natives but they didn't like me because they thought I was a snob because of the way I talked and dressed. I was in the middle of no where. I always joked to my one friend that I was an apple with a big bite out of it!

The only attention I was given was from boys. They thought I was easy. They would be really nice to me and then call me a s**t and c**k tease when I wouldn't get physical with them. Then they would go to their friends and tell them that I did it with them anyways. I learned very quickly to stay away from all guys. I must say high school was probably the loneliest time in my life.

Things only got better when I learned how to spot the users in my 20s. One of my long term boyfriends admitted to me when we were breaking up that he was feeling really ****ty about himself the day we met and only asked me out because I was native. He said that he knew I would be a lower person than him because of my race and that would make him feel better about himself. The joke was on him the first time I took him home to meet my family! Turns out he came from a low class white family. He had 4 sisters who all but one hated me. They all grew up to hate natives (their uncle trained their dogs to chase natives when they came near their property) so thought that I had no right being in an upper class family. Like it was my fault!

I love my upbringing and family so much that I feel bad questioning if it was the right thing or not. Would it have been easier to be raised in a aboriginal home? Would I have had the problems I did? I statistically probably wouldnt' have had all the opportunities I did/do. It is so sad but one of my longest running wishes was that I was my parents biological child.

Now that I have children of my own, 2 who look very native I worry about the racism they will encounter. It isn't going to be nearly as bad for them because BC is so racially mixed I do believe there is more acceptance here. I have also been to hell and back so will be able to deal with situations as they arise. I will be able to make sure they don't feel alone like I did and still do sometimes.

I have looked into my biological family and found out that my upbringing would have been very bad if I had stayed there. When I met some of my family they thought I was a snob and too white. What the hell does that mean?? It's so sad that I have a wonderful family that loves me but all the love in the world could not change the racism and meanness I have to deal with.

Why does race have to matter???

[Sampaguita]

Hi, Skoe - I really feel for what you have gone through. I am sorry that your aboriginal family feels that you are superior to them because of your upbringing and I'm sorry that anyone ever made you feel less than what you are because of your race.

Why does race have to matter? I don't know. I wish I could answer that question. It seems that when anyone is not the mainstream race, color, religion, sexual orientation, etc...there is fear, ignorance, unfair stereotyping and bigotry.

I am Asian and as far as I can remember, have more often than not been the only minority and/or Asian in business/social/school situations. I was raised very traditionally and now incorporate quite a bit of my ethnic culture into my family life but strangely enough, I do not have friends from my own ethnic group. I can speak my native tongue but because I rarely do so, I have trouble getting my tongue untwisted. Filipinos in my age group who have just arrived to the States seem to be put off by that and would rather I not befriend them. My friend who is Chinese says she is a "banana" - yellow on the outside but white on the inside. I suppose that is how I am seen - a coconut? Brown on outside, white on the inside.

I am very fortunate to not have faced what you have but there have been times when I've wondered if my race would somehow shape a person's reaction to me. I remember one time when a woman recoiled when I was introduced to her. She recovered pretty quickly but not before saying, "I pictured you to be a tall, blonde woman in a suit with long red fingernails!" I guess she must have been shocked when she was faced with a short, Asian gal dressed in jeans and very short, unpainted fingernails. She was pretty cold to me for a couple of days but finally warmed up. I basically killed her with kindness and good manners.

I've faced obvious discrimination only a couple of times and each time, it has been confusing and very hurtful.

I don't know what the answers are but I am very glad that you had a family who loved you for YOU. You cannot change how others feel about you when it stems from their own distrust & prejudices. I think the only thing you can do is be yourself. You sound like a good person. Continue to be that good person.

BC is very culturally diverse so I hope your children will not have to face what you did growing up.

[foma]

Hey, banana sister here, too!!!! My parents used to always call me Twinkie though. hehe

I think racism will always exist. It is in our nature to judge. Nobody wants to admit it but I think all of us in some shape, way, or form are racist. Having said that, in no way am I intolerant or discriminate against other races. I think that the race that we are mold us into the people that we become. I admit that I have my personal views of other races but it is civility and respect that I would never hurt anybody intentionally with my views. I would rather learn from another race, see how we preceive things differently (or the same), than impart my judgement about them. Okay, I hope I didn't come out sounding like a total jerk.

I think it's great that you grew up in such a positive home Skoe. Teach your children to be proud of who they are. Racisim will never cease to exist but if we can all play a positive role in society maybe we can co-exist peacefully.

You're parents were right to teach you everything about your native culture and heritage. The only "problem" I have seeing parents adopt other race kids is I always wonder if that kid knows about his/her culture and heritage. I don't think it's right to just adopt a kid from China for example, bring her to the States and never teach her anything about being Chinese. You can "Americanize" a child all you want but at the end of the day, people are still going to judge you by the color of your skin. Being proud of yourself, of who you are, I think is the best way to make racism a non-issue.

[Sampaguita]

Originally Posted by foma

You're parents were right to teach you everything about your native culture and heritage. The only "problem" I have seeing parents adopt other race kids is I always wonder if that kid knows about his/her culture and heritage. I don't think it's right to just adopt a kid from China for example, bring her to the States and never teach her anything about being Chinese.

You might be happy to know that I have several friends adopting or who have adopted from China and they have every intention of making sure their daughters learn as much as they can about their Chinese heritage. I know of at least 2 couples who are currently learning the language (can't remember if they are learning mandarin or cantonese) so that they can try to keep some Chinese language in the home. My cousin is adopting from China (adopting from the Philippines is ridiculously difficult even if you're Filipino) and she & her husband are also taking language classes & have bought several books and DVDs aimed at teaching Chinese culture.

You can "Americanize" a child all you want but at the end of the day, people are still going to judge you by the color of your skin. Being proud of yourself, of who you are, I think is the best way to make racism a non-issue

Very well said.

My father always told us that we may become "Americanized" (which he & my mom always looked upon with dread - very stereotypical views of American kids) but that we would always be judged by our skin color and eye shape so we'd better do well in school, be good people and respectful children/adults.

[foma]

Originally Posted by Sampaguita

My father always told us that we may become "Americanized" (which he & my mom always looked upon with dread - very stereotypical views of American kids) but that we would always be judged by our skin color and eye shape so we'd better do well in school, be good people and respectful children/adults.

That's funny, my parents shunned at the thought of my brothers and I being too "Americanized", too! My brother and I both married white people but luckily they impressed my Dad enough that he didn't make a big deal out of it! hehe

[Sampaguita]

Originally Posted by foma

That's funny, my parents shunned at the thought of my brothers and I being too "Americanized", too! My brother and I both married white people but luckily they impressed my Dad enough that he didn't make a big deal out of it! hehe

LOL - sounds familiar! I married a "'kano" (shortened for Amerikano), too. My parents love him to pieces.

[Sage of Sagle]

You know, it shouldn't have to matter. I think everything in this thread just highlights how bigoted people can be in society.

What's weird is that where I grew up, nobody would have cared what color you are, as long as you're rich. And poor white trash was no better than poor [fill in the blank]. While obviously a very shallow way of looking at it, it was better than being judged by your skin color....

[MaimounaKande]

"You're parents were right to teach you everything about your native culture and heritage. The only "problem" I have seeing parents adopt other race kids is I always wonder if that kid knows about his/her culture and heritage.[/quote]

This is an interesting thread, and I like to hear from people who have been through it. My husband and I are white, and have 2 bio children. We also have a black son, who was adopted from Ethiopia. My husband and I lived in West Africa for 2.5 years, but our son is from East Africa.

The reason I quoted the part above is that I have trouble sorting all this out...what I mean is, I want my son to be really proud of his Ethiopian heritage. We talk abotu him being from Ethiopia, and about some great people in Ethiopian history, culture, etc. BUT I cannot teach him about his culture because I don't know it. When I lived in W.Africa (in a tiny village, iwth Peace Corps), I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the culture of the ethnic group I lived with by about the 6 month mark. The longer I was there, the more I realized that I knew nothing (or very little). By the time I left, I came to believe that it is impossible to understand the intricacies of a culture of which you are not a part, even when you speak the local language (which I did).

What actually drives me crazy is when people adopt a child, from China say, and decorate their whole house with things they bought during their month there, take their child to a Chinese New Year celebration, adn then say how they understand Chinese culture and are bringing their child up with it. I think that by only knowing a little of the culture, you are most likely completely misunderstanding it...

So I feel sort of at a loss. Again, I want my son to be very proud of who he is, and I can tell more stories about a subsistance farming life in W.Africa, than in E. Africa (though some basic things overlap), and I tell him of the joy and love and the wonderful people in W.AFrica, but reading books about Ethiopia will not allow me to understand the culture from which he came...so I guess I don't strive to include his culture exactly, since I don't believe it can be done by an outsider. More, I try to celebrate what I do know about his original country and try to introduce him to other Ethiopians (I've met 2). The other thing I have done is sponsor 2 children in Ethiopia. One is the age of my other 2 children, and one is the age of my son. My other 2 children correspond as pen pals, and I hope my son will correspond with his contact there too, when he is older. We met his "pen pal" while there, and I know his guardian wants them to be in touch. I hope that this will be a contact my son will have to ask questions, and feel a connection to his country if/when he goes back when he is older (we will also take him back when he's a bit older--maybe 5 or 6)

Sorry for the rambling..I just think it's such a complicated issue to honor the country from which an adotped child came, while not trying to incorporate something I don't really understnad (hsi original culture). I guess also, I don't want him to feel that is belongs neither here nor there...I want him to know he is American, and belongs here. And of course, b/c he is black, I also am working at figuring out ways for him to handle how he will be perceived--an black male in America--which is not always easy..it's so hard b/c I know I will be judged on how well I do all this, but I'm no expert, I'm just trying really hard here, and I don't know that there is a "wrong" and "right."

[skoe]

I know my parents did everything they could to teach me my heritage. But you are right, there is only so much you can do when you are not of that race.

One thing that I have realized as an adult which I think is kinda cool is the mental differences between my culture and theirs. There is no doubt in my mind that native spirituality is where I belong. I have had visions in my dreams and signs from my spirit guide to help me in life. This made me realize that no matter how much teaching my parents did they had no clue about this difference in our actual blood/body and mind make up. Boy, that is so hard to explain. Every culture has its own unique "powers" I guess you could say and these will be found by your son as he grows. Oh, here is an example. Many pro sports figures are black. It is in their blood. Just like being artistic and good at beading is in mine. (Really, I picked up beads on a whim and 2 days later had a beaded leather I-Pod holder purse with no instruction. It just came to me!)

When I was younger I had my biological mother with me. She would pop into my head and tell me to smarten up or to not do the bad thing I was about to do. Since I was growing up with professors and realists I concluded that it was my subconscious creating her.

When I was 20 I went to my reserve for the first time with my baby boy and my dad to see if we could meet some of my biological family. That is a whole other story but I was told a story by my biological uncle who was best friends with his brother, my father Ellie. Keep in mind, no one knew we were coming to the reserve that day or that I even existed.

Ellie had died 3 years before I showed up looking for family. I was his 1st born and his heart broke when my mother told him she was giving me up. After I was born and gone Ellie and my uncle would get in his car every summer and drive around the prairie towns looking for me. All he knew was that I had been adopted by doctors. He did this every summer up until he died. This is were the story takes an aboriginal turn. Ellie had a ghost with him. She was a young girl with long black hair who was mischievous and full of giggles. He called her Sarah. Well, that is my name. When he died the Sarah ghost came to my uncle to live. This may sound weird but he saw her many times. 2 weeks before our un-expected visit she disappeared. My uncle was worried I had passed on but the last date he saw her was the day my dad asked me if I would like to take a trip out to see my reserve.

This is just one of the examples of my spiritual culture. It is so cool to find out the "powers" I have within me that my white family doesn't. It will be exciting for you and your son to find out how he is different.

You sound like you are doing everything to the best of your ability, your son is lucky to have such a wonderful family. The only advice I would give is if he seems to be having a hard time emotionally put him in counsellings. This was crucial to my mental health as a teen.

[33458]

Originally Posted by MaimounaKande

"You're parents were right to teach you everything about your native culture and heritage. The only "problem" I have seeing parents adopt other race kids is I always wonder if that kid knows about his/her culture and heritage

This is an interesting thread, and I like to hear from people who have been through it. My husband and I are white, and have 2 bio children. We also have a black son, who was adopted from Ethiopia. My husband and I lived in West Africa for 2.5 years, but our son is from East Africa.

The reason I quoted the part above is that I have trouble sorting all this out...what I mean is, I want my son to be really proud of his Ethiopian heritage. We talk abotu him being from Ethiopia, and about some great people in Ethiopian history, culture, etc. BUT I cannot teach him about his culture because I don't know it. When I lived in W.Africa (in a tiny village, iwth Peace Corps), I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the culture of the ethnic group I lived with by about the 6 month mark. The longer I was there, the more I realized that I knew nothing (or very little). By the time I left, I came to believe that it is impossible to understand the intricacies of a culture of which you are not a part, even when you speak the local language (which I did).

What actually drives me crazy is when people adopt a child, from China say, and decorate their whole house with things they bought during their month there, take their child to a Chinese New Year celebration, adn then say how they understand Chinese culture and are bringing their child up with it. I think that by only knowing a little of the culture, you are most likely completely misunderstanding it...

So I feel sort of at a loss. Again, I want my son to be very proud of who he is, and I can tell more stories about a subsistance farming life in W.Africa, than in E. Africa (though some basic things overlap), and I tell him of the joy and love and the wonderful people in W.AFrica, but reading books about Ethiopia will not allow me to understand the culture from which he came...so I guess I don't strive to include his culture exactly, since I don't believe it can be done by an outsider. More, I try to celebrate what I do know about his original country and try to introduce him to other Ethiopians (I've met 2). The other thing I have done is sponsor 2 children in Ethiopia. One is the age of my other 2 children, and one is the age of my son. My other 2 children correspond as pen pals, and I hope my son will correspond with his contact there too, when he is older. We met his "pen pal" while there, and I know his guardian wants them to be in touch. I hope that this will be a contact my son will have to ask questions, and feel a connection to his country if/when he goes back when he is older (we will also take him back when he's a bit older--maybe 5 or 6)

Sorry for the rambling..I just think it's such a complicated issue to honor the country from which an adotped child came, while not trying to incorporate something I don't really understnad (hsi original culture). I guess also, I don't want him to feel that is belongs neither here nor there...I want him to know he is American, and belongs here. And of course, b/c he is black, I also am working at figuring out ways for him to handle how he will be perceived--an black male in America--which is not always easy..it's so hard b/c I know I will be judged on how well I do all this, but I'm no expert, I'm just trying really hard here, and I don't know that there is a "wrong" and "right."

Now, I get where you're coming from, as parent to a daughter born in China...we walk a fine line between mocking or neglecting her heritage. Videos, books, festivals, anything other than actually living in China among Chinese is going to be second-rate. But weigh that against the other evil; denial, not trying at all to expose her to that which would have been if she had not been removed from it. Some folks go that route...easier, I guess. Not my choice.

Balance is easier to discuss than to achieve.

It is my understanding through the continual education I pursue that my daughter, because she is now legally American, will not ever be considered "really Chinese" because of her Anglican exposure...that stupid 'banana/Twinkie' thing. And that comes from native Chinese, never mind what she'll face from her 'white' peers here...

We are slowly learning both Cantonese and Mandarin (****nghua)...slow because right now my 3 year old has no interest. We dabble because this is the best time to introduce her to it - we'll have to see what sticks. Later, if she is so inclined, I will provide her with a tutor to fully immerse herself. It won't make her more or less one way or another, but it is one of the few things I can do as her parent as a valid effort.

She is American...but it isn't that simple.

And it is a concern we see shared among the Chinese community here; what is her Chinese Name (Xiao Qian) and will she speak Chinese (see above)? I suspect she will be judged by this as she ages.

When she's older we will return to China so that she can see for herself where she originally came from and form her own opinions. I am careful not to write her story for her. I will tell her kindly what I can as a start and admit when I do not have the answer.

As for the original thought of this thread: Why does race have to matter?

Because, unfortunately, that is how so many of us were raised.
However, some of us are able to rise above that.

P.S. MODS - P.u.t.o.nghua is not a vulgar term.