Advice Needed... (method, meal, single mom, parents)
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I am a single Mom... just did the whole Christmas thing... gifts, breakfast, batteries for the toys, cleaning... you know the drill. The things you do for your kids that you love to do, but for me, I get a bit exausted... I have a very energetic four year old boy.
My sister, married, no kids, lots of parties, going out to dinner, at least 4-5 vacations a year... gets a lot of sleep... you get it. Pretty much an absent Aunt to boot...
So maybe I have a resentment... but maybe what I am about to say is legit... I want your honest feedback.
After the day long event of doing the parental thing, we go to my parents home for dinner. I don't drink, she does, and she has a buzz on, as usual.
The dinner table is crowded. Some people are blocked in, as she and her husband are, who are sitting directly across from me.
As I am getting ready to take a bite of my food, my son comes to me and says he needs to go to the bathroom, numero dos... I take him to the bathroom and the whole thing takes about 15 minutes...
I get back to the dinner table, put my napkin in my lap and I am just about to settle back in and my sister says, hey old biddie, would you mind getting up to go into the kitchen to get my husband another slice of lasagna? I look at her and I say, kind of quizzically, are you kidding?
She looks at me like I have 2 heads, and says no. And I say again, no seriously, are you joking? (i really thought she was trying to be funny) And again she says no, that she is blocked in and could I do it. And I said flat out, NO. I said, do you see that I just got back to the table from taking my son to the bathroom... the tension is thick, she acts shocked, and we ignore eachother for the rest of dinner.
After dinner she comes to me and says that she did not realize I had gone to the bathroom with my son (I was sitting across from her and was gone 15 minutes so I can only think that she missed the whole thing because she was buzzed). It gets heated, and she tells me that I always play the victim, and I tell her that she is bombed as usual.
And that's where it ended.
Was I a jerk? Should I have just gotten up to get her hubby the lasagna?
Probably. They couldn't get up, you were right across from them. It is reasonable to believe that she might not have noticed that you had just got back to the table. With that many people sitting down and talking and passing food not everyone notices what everyone else is doing all the time. It is hard to be the mom to small kids (even when you are married, so I can't even imagine doing it as a single - kudos to you) but really, until you actually ARE a parent, people just don't know how exhausting it can be and what a luxury it is to just sit down and eat without having to pop up at someone's beck and call all the time. She most likely has no idea. We all have our moments when we are tired and frustrated though...It sounds like there are some other issues there but for this one instance, I would say you might have been a bit harsh....
Was I a jerk? Should I have just gotten up to get her hubby the lasagna?
Hell No. Hell No.
Dont even waste another moment feeling bad about it. As an exhausted parent - I have been there too. She's lucky you didnt go off and give her some choice words for the entire family to remember till next Xmas.
I am a single Mom... just did the whole Christmas thing... gifts, breakfast, batteries for the toys, cleaning... you know the drill. The things you do for your kids that you love to do, but for me, I get a bit exausted... I have a very energetic four year old boy.
My sister, married, no kids, lots of parties, going out to dinner, at least 4-5 vacations a year... gets a lot of sleep... you get it. Pretty much an absent Aunt to boot...
So maybe I have a resentment... but maybe what I am about to say is legit... I want your honest feedback.
After the day long event of doing the parental thing, we go to my parents home for dinner. I don't drink, she does, and she has a buzz on, as usual.
The dinner table is crowded. Some people are blocked in, as she and her husband are, who are sitting directly across from me.
As I am getting ready to take a bite of my food, my son comes to me and says he needs to go to the bathroom, numero dos... I take him to the bathroom and the whole thing takes about 15 minutes...
I get back to the dinner table, put my napkin in my lap and I am just about to settle back in and my sister says, hey old biddie, would you mind getting up to go into the kitchen to get my husband another slice of lasagna? I look at her and I say, kind of quizzically, are you kidding?
She looks at me like I have 2 heads, and says no. And I say again, no seriously, are you joking? (i really thought she was trying to be funny) And again she says no, that she is blocked in and could I do it. And I said flat out, NO. I said, do you see that I just got back to the table from taking my son to the bathroom... the tension is thick, she acts shocked, and we ignore eachother for the rest of dinner.
After dinner she comes to me and says that she did not realize I had gone to the bathroom with my son (I was sitting across from her and was gone 15 minutes so I can only think that she missed the whole thing because she was buzzed). It gets heated, and she tells me that I always play the victim, and I tell her that she is bombed as usual.
And that's where it ended.
Was I a jerk? Should I have just gotten up to get her hubby the lasagna?
No the hostess should have. That is what being a hostess is all about. YOu tend to your guests' needs.
No, you didn't have to get up to get her the food (as Branson said, the hostess should have).
However, I do sense some resentment/envy of your sister in your post.... talking about her lifestyle, her being an "absent aunt", "being buzzed as usual", vacations, parties, restaurants, etc.
I know how difficult it is to be a parent, but don't resent her for making a choice not to have children or resenting the fact that she has no children and that gives her opportunities to vacation, party, sleep, or whatever. She also has no obligation to you or your child so calling her an "absent aunt" is a bit out of line (although I don't know if I would want my child around someone who is buzzed/bombed all the time).
She was wrong for asking you more than once to get the food for her but she did try to correct it by coming up to you after the meal and saying she hadn't realized you were gone for 15 minutes (which is not unusual considering there were so many people there). Instead of taking the high road, you opted to argue with her and tell her she is "bombed as usual".
Anyway, in answer to your question: No, you shouldn't have gotten up to get the food for her and her husband. The hostess should have made provisions for that knowing how crowded the table would be and how people would be boxed in.
Was her husband born with two arms, legs, and a mouth? I imagine he could have said, excuse me to those around him, and wiggled his way out of the "trapped" environment and served himself.
Old Biddie, I am glad to know I am not the only one! I have arthritis in my feet. Got up at 7:00 a.m. this morning and began peeling, slicing, dicing, chopping, grating, measuring, mixing, seasoning, kneading, sauting, mashing, roasting, baking (I did everything except the turkey and the dessert). Packed it all up and hauled it 30 miles to my brother's so he and his son (who was visiting from out of state) can have a nice dinner. My sister did the pies and the turkey. I am barely able to walk by the time we get there and my brother starts ordering me around, set the table, put the chairs around, etc, because he's got a head cold and doesn't feel good. He took a nap for two hours and had running around like the proverbial headless chicken. Now if he interrupts anyone during the meal that's okay, but not vice versa. I got chewed out for being a smart alec and I wasn't the one who interrupted him! Geesh! I even washed the dishes and left most of the food so he and his son wouldn't have to cook! And I feel blessed because I know I don't have to do it again for another 365 days! So you come over and we will commisserate with some homemade cookies and a cup of tea.
all the work you do for the holidays is on you, if you are tired you really can't be put off because your sister is busy doing her normal routine. she probably was too buzzed to notice but it sounds like you 2 have more issues besides what happened at christmas. quit doing so much and enjoy your life, try to figure out how to be friends with your sister. that is far more important than anything else
I have a sister so I know how that is between two siblings living different lives. Everything she does or says can be aggravating.
Have you heard of non-violent communication? It's very useful. It's a method of responding to anything in a way that will not come off either rude or a pushover. You win every time, peacefully and amicably. This is what you could have said with utmost sincerity:
"Oh, I am so sorry but I just got up and helped my son in the bathroom. I feel like I've finally settled down to eat as I'm ravenous. Wait till I get a few bites and I'll see what I can do." Then shrug your shoulders and start eating.
This answer acknowledges her need and her request, but at the same time, allows you to state your own need and create your own request for her. Now her husband can watch you eat and wait for you to clean your plate, or he can wiggle out and get his own plate. You don't feel bad for letting him wait because you already explained to him why.
Basically, you have to respond WITHOUT anger, by validating their NEED, but express your own within the same sentence.
No, you shouldn't have waited on your sister's husband.
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