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And of course it does matter how permanent this job will likely be. I've known people who went pretty much for equal and joint custody and they seem to have it the best, each getting time off, kids having two parents both very involved.
My cousin in VA and her ex have pretty much this same arrangement. They went to counseling to learn to communicate better. They spend pretty much every holiday together with the kids, new bf and gf are there too. It's been well established they are on the same page as far as raising them. He travels for work a lot so his actually share of custody isn't exactly equal, but the kids know why that is.
I realize most divorced parents don't have such a nice cozy arrangement, but before I say the heck with him, I would like him to understand what affect it will have on them. I don't think that's being forceful or trying to manipulate him. Time isn't going to stand still for him to realize, and these kids only get one childhood. I think parents a lot of the time convince themselves what they want is what's best for the kids, but I don't necessarily believe it myself.
The only reason I mentioned the number of times we've moved is because the idea of a support system was brought up.
I know. But it was important information we shoudl have known from the start. It's relevant.
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Originally Posted by floridadreamer
Didn't you want your child to interact with other children her age? Or did they have their own children?
She her own children. He was two years younger than her youngest. He was part of their family. He went everywhere with them like he was one of her own. He played in the neighborhood. He swam in the pool. He went to the aunt's farm. He made lots of friends in the neighborhood. When he was old enough, he went out and played unsupervised like he would if he were at home.
It wasn't a structured daycare setting. It was a home in the neighborhood where he eventually went to elementary school. As a matter of fact, he walked to and from elementary school with her children, not her. When he was old enough, he walked to school with classmates his own age who were his friends in the neighborhood.
He lived the life he would have lead if he were home with me. As a matter of fact, I think he lead a better life spending his days with her family! They did the coolest things. I could have never exposed him to farm animals giving birth and a ton of other very enriching experiences.
My child had a wonderful childhood because of this decision I made. I wouldn't change a thing about it. It was simply perfect!
This is my perspective (how I looked at my own situation) - you need to be able to financially take care of yourself and the kids all by yourself wherever you move. If you move to DC now, can you do that?
This is an important point. You need to live somewhere you can afford to raise these children on your own income without child support. His child support is no guarantee. It's not uncommon for fathers to stop paying child support. And don't think the courts will be able to do anything about it. You'd still have to support yourself while they try to find the money. There are women who went without child support for years. Since your ex is a Brittish citizen, he could leave the country and you could never see another penny.
I know. But it was important information we shoudl have known from the start. It's relevant. I've now been in Florida for 10 months, it will have been over a year by the time we move again. The new place I go, I intend to stay with them for at least 2 1/2 years based on schooling and getting established. If I like the area and there are good job prospects, we'd likely stay longer. I'm not following him to every job he has because I want stability for them, not just a father. My ability to provide a stable home isn't the question now that we are separated. I also don't think I should feel bad that there may be someone out there I feel would be good for me and I am taking that in to account. I am trying to determine if the other benefits to living there are enough. I am trying to plan things so that we can be in a place we can stay even longer term before my DS starts kindergarten. My parents moved us all over SD for my entire high school career, trust me, it screws with a person.
She had her own children. He was two years younger than her youngest. He was part of their family. He went everywhere with them like he was one of her own. He played in the neighborhood. He swam in the pool. He went to the aunt's farm. He made lots of friends in the neighborhood. When he was old enough, he went out and played unsupervised like he would if he were at home.
It wasn't a structured daycare setting. It was a home in the neighborhood where he eventually went to elementary school. As a matter of fact, he walked to and from elementary school with her children, not her. When he was old enough, he walked to school with classmates his own age who were his friends in the neighborhood.
My child had a wonderful childhood because of this decision I made. I wouldn't change a thing about it. It was simply perfect!
That sounds ideal, and I'd hope to be as lucky to find a situation like that. My mother did babysitting for just two little girls, one in school the other an infant. They did feel like family to us.
I realize most divorced parents don't have such a nice cozy arrangement, but before I say the heck with him, I would like him to understand what affect it will have on them. I don't think that's being forceful or trying to manipulate him. Time isn't going to stand still for him to realize, and these kids only get one childhood. I think parents a lot of the time convince themselves what they want is what's best for the kids, but I don't necessarily believe it myself.
You have no choice but to make the decision based on the father he is now. You don't have a cozy arrangement with him.
I've now been in Florida for 10 months, it will have been over a year by the time we move again. The new place I go, I intend to stay with them for at least 2 1/2 years based on schooling and getting established. If I like the area and there are good job prospects, we'd likely stay longer.
You shouldn't make this move planning to move again within 2-1/2 years. Stability for children is living in the same place until they graduate high school. You have to decide NOW where you want to live for the rest of their childhood.
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Originally Posted by floridadreamer
I've I'm not following him to every job he has because I want stability for them, not just a father. My ability to provide a stable home isn't the question now that he that we are separated.
You misunderstood. The reason it is relevant is because it shows us that your husband is not stable. Your moving to where he lives now wont' be a stable decision either. Just because you're divorced doesn't tmean you're providing them with a more stable environment if you are still basing your decisions on where he is living.
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Originally Posted by floridadreamer
I also don't think I should feel bad that there may be someone out there I feel would be good for me and I am taking that in to account. I am trying to determine if the other benefits to living there are enough.
I'm not sure what this has to do with my saying that your moving 7 times in 5 years is relevant information we should have known earlier. Early on I encouraged you to find a good stepfather for the children. Maybe you have me confused with someone else. However, I don't recall one person giving you a hard time about the guy you like---except steelstress who has now changed his/her opinion now that he's learned more about your circumstances.
You shouldn't make this move planning to move again within 2-1/2 years. Stability for children is living in the same place until they graduate high school. You have to decide NOW where you want to live for the rest of their childhood. I don't actually share the opinion that I have to decide right now where they will be graduating high school. My dad was military and we moved quite a few times. Up until puberty when kids are getting more peer pressure and trying to establish themselves in schools that have cliques is when that really becomes an issue. The moving around they did during my high school years wasn't due to the military, it was due to their poor financial planning AND moving us to SD where there weren't nearly as many jobs. That is what I learned through experience.
You misunderstood. The reason it is relevant is because it shows us that your husband is not stable. Your moving to where he lives now wont' be a stable decision either. Just because you're divorced doesn't tmean you're providing them with a more stable environment if you are still basing your decisions on where he is living.
I am capable of judging whether or not he or the job seems stable enough prior to the move. That's not why I started the thread and why I didn't mention it to begin with.
I'm not sure what this has to do with my saying that your moving 7 times in 5 years is relevant information we should have known earlier. Early on I encouraged you to find a good stepfather for the children. Maybe you have me confused with someone else. However, I don't recall one person giving you a hard time about the guy you like---except steelstress who has now changed his/her opinion now that he's learned more about your circumstances.
I don't think having a stepfather instead of a biological father is the issue here. Whether I live alone with them or remarry, they do NEED to have their father in their life if he wants to be. All these laws that have come about are based on research that proves as much. Kids do NEED both parents. A wonderful stepfather is just that, wonderful. They are blessed to have each other in their lives, but that isn't a replacement for their father.
Yes, Steelstress was the one that mentioned my "friend" and that I am trying to find excuses to live near to him and that is why I started the thread. Which isn't true. Sorry to address that through your post.
Let's be hypothetical for moment. If his stability wasn't an issue, and the simple fact that we'd have to live over an hour away from him, we'd be pretty stretched financially, I'd have to wait over a year to go back to school, and his priorities could change if he starts dating or remarries, that is what I am asking. And..to throw another kink in the hose, my sister has decided to move her family (their 4 cousins I was hoping they could get to know) to Maine. Again, this is not the ONLY consideration. SD doesn't have a lot of jobs. Yes my family is there, and the "guy" is there, but I'm not sure how feasible it would be financially to live there FOREVER.
Let's be hypothetical for moment. If his stability wasn't an issue, and the simple fact that we'd have to live over an hour away from him, we'd be pretty stretched financially, I'd have to wait over a year to go back to school, and his priorities could change if he starts dating or remarries, that is what I am asking. And..to throw another kink in the hose, my sister has decided to move her family (their 4 cousins I was hoping they could get to know) to Maine. Again, this is not the ONLY consideration. SD doesn't have a lot of jobs. Yes my family is there, and the "guy" is there, but I'm not sure how feasible it would be financially to live there FOREVER.
Putting stability aside, the main problems I see are 1) the cost of living is high and you shouldn't depend on his financial support because that could disappear; 2) getting your education out of the way as soon as possible will allow you to provide for your children; 3) you don't have a good relationship with him; 4) he's not interested in being an active father (a few baseball games a year is nothing)
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer
I don't actually share the opinion that I have to decide right now where they will be graduating high school. My dad was military and we moved quite a few times. Up until puberty when kids are getting more peer pressure and trying to establish themselves in schools that have cliques is when that really becomes an issue. The moving around they did during my high school years wasn't due to the military, it was due to their poor financial planning AND moving us to SD where there weren't nearly as many jobs. That is what I learned through experience.
A woman posted in the Army Brat thread in this forum that she's unable to form friendships with people due to being raised in the military and learning to not become emotionally attached to people. People move because they have to move---for jobs, finances, etc. You're NOT in the military. Planning to move your children every 2 years isn't good for your children. I sense that your moving around in childhood was more detrimental than you're willing to admit. Psychologically it's interesting that you married an unstable man who moved you 7 times in 5 years.
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Originally Posted by floridadreamer
So if we're talking about "stable", I guess my family really isn't either. That would leave me right here in FL I guess, in the heat.
Hawaii is sounding appealing, anyone ever been there..lol. I must be getting tired.
Hawaii's cost of living is too high. Seriously, pick anywhere with a low cost of living. You can establish a support network without already having family. If you want to be somewhat close to him, Roanoke VA has a low cost of living, and it's an adorable town for raising children.
Putting stability aside, the main problems I see are 1) the cost of living is high and you shouldn't depend on his financial support because that could disappear; 2) getting your education out of the way as soon as possible will allow you to provide for your children; 3) you don't have a good relationship with him; 4) he's not interested in being an active father (a few baseball games a year is nothing)
What do you consider a "good" relationship with one's ex? We don't argue, and believe it or not, we do want what's best for the kids. His idea of that means providing for them financially, whereas mine is more for their emotional well being. Other than that, I think you and I are on the same page as far as finances and education are concerned.
A woman posted in the Army Brat thread in this forum that she's unable to form friendships with people due to being raised in the military and learning to not become emotionally attached to people. People move because they have to move---for jobs, finances, etc. You're NOT in the military. Planning to move your children every 2 years isn't good for your children. I sense that your moving around in childhood was more detrimental than you're willing to admit. Psychologically it's interesting that you married an unstable man who moved you 7 times in 5 years.
I wouldn't go so far as to say that. We lived in the same area in VA for 10 years, but I went to 3 different elementary schools and 4 different high schools. The high school part was detrimental to my education, but I have several friendships I've maintained her in FL for over 12 years, even through living overseas for 4 of those years. And my ex lived in the same village in England his whole life. Perhaps being in America is what's making him unstable, too many options.
Hawaii's cost of living is too high. Seriously, pick anywhere with a low cost of living. You can establish a support network without already having family. If you want to be somewhat close to him, Roanoke VA has a low cost of living, and it's an adorable town for raising children. I know about their cost of living, I was half joking, but that would be my first choice if I were on my own. I have a lot to consider before I make any definite decision, obviously. I will look in to Roanoke though.
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Again, this is not the ONLY consideration. SD doesn't have a lot of jobs. Yes my family is there, and the "guy" is there, but I'm not sure how feasible it would be financially to live there FOREVER.
