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I have had instances where children have said things like you've mentioned and I've always asked them why they think that or what did they mean by it. By engaging them in a discussion you can find out the intention behind their comments and then help them understand the situation.
I provide child care and for example - my son plays baseball and a couple of times a season his games are at 6:00, so we make sure to feed him a light dinner before the game. One day this one boy was really mad when he asked for a snack right before time for him to leave and I told him no as he'd be going home and eating dinner soon. He started saying that it wasn't fair that my son got to eat whenever he wanted to, which of course is not true. After talking to him I discovered it was because of one day where there was an early game and my son ate earlier than normal (meaning the other boy was still here) and he ate something I didn't normally serve during child care hours. After I explained to him that my son needed to eat before his game, and that I only fed him something that was quick and less nutritional as usual because he'd get dinner after the game, then he understood that it was indeed fair and not something to be jealous of.
For example, if your niece says that your daughter always gets what she wants and you ask her what she means, she may tell you that your daughter asked for a snack and got it but that she didn't get one. Most likely she actually ask for one herself and just assumed she'd get one too but didn't.
Or in regards to bringing a toy to g'mas, maybe she asked her mom about bringing one and was told no, yet your daughter was allowed to bring one and she's talking about the discrepancy. Maybe g'ma even mentioned something like 'next time you bring a toy like your cousin so that you have your own to play with' when the niece had nothing of her own there yet your daughter did.
As far as her telling her mom that your daughte took a toy, I would have asked things like what toy was it specifically, where had it been, was my daughter playing with it before and why did they think my daughter took it? I would have suggested they also fully check their house as I am checking mine, especially the trash to make sure it didn't get tossed out accidentally. (or on purpose by a child trying to hide a toy they've already broken-not necessarily any one child in particular either)
No matter what, the niece has these feelings that are hers and they are real to her whether or not they are based on real or perceived situations. So, talk to her and find out what makes her think that way. It would be more helpful if you understood where she was coming from and for her to understand as well instead of her feeling resentful and you feeling offended.
Great advice. Thank you!
Thanks to everyone else too. I feel like I have a better understanding of things and a plan on how to handle it in the future.
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