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-I have never needed a lawyer before and had no idea what to look for. I still don't. I don't think mine was bad, she just wasn't aggressive and wanted to avoid going to court, and I was ok with the outcome at first. I didn't want anything except child support.
-I truly don't want to deny my son time with his dad. I have pushed them into visiting many times. Even with all my reservations about his dad I know my son needs him in his life. I don't badmouth his dad to him at all, I would not try keep them apart. If I moved, they would spend the same amount of time together, just every 6 months instead of every 2. I understand this is not optimal.
-I don't have a place in mind other than safe, lower cost of living, more jobs (tons of places qualify). I can't emphasize enough how expensive the area is that I'm coming from. My work has slowed a lot, so I may not even have a choice about living there, unless I get very lucky with my job search.
Quote:
Originally Posted by staycd
Just because he is tired or "he forgets to feed him", well does he really forget or is he not on your schedule? Not all parents handle partenting the same way especially once they separtate.
This is a good point. I have had to let go of a lot of control of what happens to my son and it's been hard. He is not going to starve though, and I know his dad loves him in his own way.
I completely disagree. Would you take your son to a daycare center that "forgets" to feed their charges?
Would you allow someone to babysit your son, if they frequently "forgot" to feed him?
Sorry, just being the sperm donor doesn't give him a free pass, in my book.
There's no excuse for this pathetic substitute for a man, to be enabled any further. Not with my son he wouldn't.
You are this child's mother. It sounds like you are bending over SO FAR backwards to be fair, that you spine is going to snap. If his "dad" cannot even be bothered to feed him, then he wouldn't be going over there, if I had anything to do with it. That's JMHO
After we moved out, my ex kept the house because his parents had bought it for us, and it is still theirs. It's a 2 bedroom house with a detached studio apartment and two sheds. With all this space to himself, he filled it all up including our son's former room with his collections of stuff, and when he visits, our son has to sleep in his dad's bed with him as it is the only space to sleep. (His dad has a compulsive shopping problem, and I'm guessing a little hoarding issue, always has). We agreed two years ago, during a visit with a psychologist, that my ex would provide a bed for my son and a small space or corner of the house for his stuff, but he never did. His house is in a condition where our long term babysitter will not come over there because the house smells bad and is too messy and dirty.
I would address this issue first. If you were living under these conditions and someone called CPS you would loose you child. I would look for help with Legal Aid (Legal Agencies - Legal Aid Societies - California Department of Consumer Affairs (http://www.dca.ca.gov/publications/guide/legal_index.shtml - broken link)).Then go to court and demand that your ex provides minimum accommodations in order for your son to visit. If your ex is a true hoarder he will not do it and you can then request full custody. I do not know if you have watched the show Hoarders on TLC if you haven't watch sometime and see if you see those signs on your ex. Living with a hoarder is harmful for a child. Good luck.
I am thinking of moving out of state, and I am trying to ascertain what's best for my almost 8 year old son. This might be too long, sorry, I'm just trying to give a lot of detail...
Here's the background: I am divorced with joint custody of my son. He lives with me, and has been spending 15% of the time with his dad for visitation.
When I was married, my son's dad spent a grand total of about 12 hours alone with our son, in the entire 4 1/2 years we lived with him.
After we moved out, my ex kept the house because his parents had bought it for us, and it is still theirs. It's a 2 bedroom house with a detached studio apartment and two sheds. With all this space to himself, he filled it all up including our son's former room with his collections of stuff, and when he visits, our son has to sleep in his dad's bed with him as it is the only space to sleep. (His dad has a compulsive shopping problem, and I'm guessing a little hoarding issue, always has). We agreed two years ago, during a visit with a psychologist, that my ex would provide a bed for my son and a small space or corner of the house for his stuff, but he never did. His house is in a condition where our long term babysitter will not come over there because the house smells bad and is too messy and dirty. She asks that my ex bring him over to her house, even if my ex is staying out late.
Even though he only sees his son 15% of the time, my ex is so committed to his fun activities, climbing, surfing, biking, shopping, dating, etc., that he takes our son to the babysitter often during their visits. He did this even when I lived very close and they spend every other weekend together.
My ex has never asked for more then 15% of the time, and has often postponed or cancelled visits if he had a trip planned, a class, or anything else that took priority. I remember him once telling me he was sick, so maybe he would take our son for the scheduled visit, but if he felt better when the visit time rolled around, he was going to go to his climbing class instead.
My ex lives in my hometown, in a desirable area, and it is very expensive. He does not pay any mortgage or rent since it's his parents house. The market rate rent for his house would be at least 2400/month. He declared bankruptcy last year to escape his huge credit card debt, and he has a good income, somewhere around 90k a year last I knew. Despite this he does not pay the full amount of child support. My son went to preschool because my ex's parents paid for it.
I gave him my entire savings to help him start a business (that failed) when we were married, and we accumulated no assets, so I was left with no money or assets or place to live after the divorce. I had given up full time work since I thought it was important to be there for my son when he was very young. Since the divorce I have been working part time, taking care of my boy, and I recently went back to college part time to change careers. My income was reduced by about 60% in the current recession. I have not been able to find any other work, and the unemployment rate is now over 12% in our hometown. Childcare is 10-15/ hour and many available jobs don't pay that much. My point is I'm in weak financial shape.
I am currently 6 months into a one year 'extended visit' with my parents (with his permission) about 7 hours north of our hometown, and I drive my son down there every two months for a one week visit. I also encouraged his dad to call every day or two, but he calls maybe twice a month. I came up here because I work as an independent contractor and after a slow couple of months I ran out of money for rent.
My ex wants me to live in his town again when the year is up because he likes the shorter, more frequent visits. I also like them - it gives me a little time to myself to get things done and my son prefers shorter visits as well.
The main problem is the cost of living in our hometown. Ideally, once my classes are done I will get a full time job but I don't expect to be paid anything close to the median income there that is now 63k. Currently I'm living on my income of 14k a year, plus child support of about 1,000 /month. He pays 80% of the court ordered amount - also he pays late every month. Anyway this means we need to live on 1800 a month after taxes, which doesn't sound bad except rent in our hometown starts around 1400 for the cheapest 2 bedrooms. I can only really pay about 900/month rent to leave money for utilities, food, gas, child care, car insurance, phone, all pretty high in coastal California. (I've given up on health insurance for myself already).
So I could try to move back there but we would need to live in a one room studio or travel trailer (we've done that before for a year and it was ok) but it's hard to find one that allows two people, many don't. It makes it harder that I want to live in a good school district, as my ex made it clear he would not contribute to a private school cost. My son's 1st grade teacher told me he would probably test as gifted so I think a good school is important.
I started thinking I would like to leave the state. I could rent a two bedroom apartment or house for the same price as a one room studio rental in our hometown. The unemployment rate is also much lower in the places I am considering. I would make sure to live near an airport with a nonstop trip back to our hometown so that my son could see his dad easily for at least the same amount of time but consolidated - a month in the summer and two weeks at the holidays maybe.
However I know that he doesn't want to spend that much time with his dad all at once, and I know it would be good for him to visit his father more often for shorter duration. I also know his dad is dishonest and absent minded, and he can be really critical to our son, and I worry about his safety and happiness if he was with him for a whole month. He forgets to feed him sometimes when he's in a hurry, and my son always comes home really tired, he told me he doesn't sleep well there.
If the mother's happiness and well being matters at all, I would be happier in a place where I could better provide for us, maybe buy a house for us someday, be more likely to find a full time job, and be able to pay for some lessons my son really wants, and be able to have a nice enough place that he could have friends come over.
There are some other dislikes I have about our hometown. It is a very transient population, and because of the high cost of living (City-Data says for 12/09 it was 184, US average is 100!) there are a lot of very wealthy people now and a population of poorer people that live in all these big crowded mobile home parks and gang activity is really picking up. It seems like the middle class is dying out there. The town was evolving from a retirement community / surfer-stoner haven in my childhood to a bedroom community for the silicon valley. I grew up there and the gangs are kind of new but there are drug problems at most of the schools starting around 4th grade. At the schools, coolness is valued way more than academics. They laid off tons of teachers last year and class sizes are going way up. People are not that friendly there overall either, although there are lots of exceptions. It is a pretty place though.
So I am trying to weigh the frequency of the dad visits with a sort of crappy overall quality of life. I think if I facilitate a relationship with his dad as best I can, not seeing him every month might balance out with being able to provide him with a room of his own, a decent school, a stable comfortable life, lessons, all the stuff I could never afford in our hometown.
As far as a support structure, my parents are in Northern California and we can't stay there long - it's a very isolated area and there are no real jobs here, I mean all available work is of the illegal kind… and my ex's parents are supportive but live in Hawaii which has an even higher cost of living and would be harder to visit from. We have no other family and my friends are too busy to babysit.
The courts will decide what they will if I try to leave, but what I am really interested in is people's thoughts and opinions on what is best for the well being of my son. Thanks - if anyone is still reading after all that.
I read every word.
It broke my heart too.
Sorry.
Sounds like your ex has had everything handed to him.
My advice would be to move out of state. Regardless of what this guy is doing as a parent you need to do what is best for you and your son.
Gangs, drugs and a really bad neighborhood is not going to do anything good for your son.
Here is what I think would be good for you:
~Work at a hotel where you get a free room for working there.
~There is also apartment complexes that do the same thing.
With this type of employment you will have a place to stay and your son will be there with you while you are working.
I have been self-employed for over 16 years. This is the worse I have seen in all my 16 years of business. It's rough for sure.
You can be successful.
I know you want your son to have a good relationship with his Dad but you have to weigh out the effects it will have on him.
I raised a stepson since he was 4 1/2 years old. He is 18 now. His Dad was never there. He was more into playing golf, pool and gambling. Yeah, he came around once in a blue moon but it was just like you mentioned, really lame. He would sleep on the couch. Stay with his girlfriend while he went out and played with his friends at the bar or what not. Then at the end of the weekend he would even have his girlfriend bring him back to us.
You need to focus on what is going to be the best for you and your son. Stop worrying about how close you will live so he can have a relationship.
Hopefully his parenting skills would evolve with added responsibility of having your son for an extended period.
I moved to a different state with my daughter when she was 2 1/2. From that time, I was court ordered to send her back to her father's every summer for 6 1/2 weeks. I hated it. He did not parent as I did. His living conditions were not what I would deem healthy.
By the time my daughter was 12, she knew which parent had her best interest in mind and she refused any more visits with her father. She is grown now and sees him from time to time, mostly when she needs something.
It was difficult on her for a while, but she adjusted. He never called and never asked for her to visit.
My advice: To make both your lives better, move. Your state of mind will improve and so will your son's. Your ex will either make an effort or not. It's up to him. BUT I WOULD MAKE SURE after you get settled in your new place, get your son involved in scouts or with a group where there is strong male influence for him as he will need positive role models.
When you send your son to visit his father, don't worry about him. You can't control when he eats or when he sleeps. A few weeks under less than desirable circumstances isn't going to kill your son. He will soon learn to appreciate being home with you and accept his father for what he is.
After your ex grows up, he may have the desire to establish a more grown up relationship with his son. Because of that, your son needs to be able to maintain a certain amount of respect for his father, meaning, it's always best to not bad-mouth him in front of your son or allow your son to read your emotions into his visiting his father.
Last edited by NoExcuses; 02-19-2010 at 12:34 PM..
I, too, am in your kind of situation. My ex, who recently remarried, does not work and I have been stuck sharing joint custody of three children. I work in a deli, part time with no benefits and I have a college degree. I have been applying out of state for jobs, mainly in the south. His mother pays late for child support payments. Currently he's behind by over $4000. My children don't want to spend any time with their father due to the way he treats them. He treats them like slaves! They come home tired, hungry and foul mouthed. It's not that he can't work, it's that he won't work. If the situation does not improve, then we will be moving south for better opportunities. My oldest child will be 13 next year. Can anybody tell me what to do?
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