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I certainly didn't indicate that anyone should kiss their butts at all so I'm not sure how you got that.
What I did try to convey is that this really isn't about busting your tails to provide for them. It's about their outcry towards you as a way to show that they are looking for something missing in their relationship with you and the only way they know is to fight you on it.
If what they were needing was to be provided for, which you've done, then they wouldn't be reacting this way. Simple.
Since I'm often the one defending the children and saying to 'look at it from their perspective,' I now know what it's like for others to read my posts and think I must be from another planet because that's what I thought reading your post.
If these kids are missing anything in their relationship with their parents it's a swift kick in the rear.
Their rebellion is not the run of the mill teenage attitude. The OP needs to get her family into counseling.
I haven't read all the other posts, so I may be repeating, but I suspect the kids, despite your providing a seemingly consistent stream of priviledges, are aware that there is financial trouble and are feeling insecure and worried.
You are probably doing no one any favors by pretending everything is fine. It might be healthier if you and your husband cut back on the frills, such as cell phones, and let the kids in on the way things are. Reassure them that the family will be OK, and that they should not worry.
At the same time, are you and your husband presenting a strong united front as to discipline? You must in order to be effective, and also because you seem to be taking the unfair brunt of it.
My dh and I have suffered through unemployment, layoffs, underemployment the last 4 years, but always managed to maintain our standard of living. Both kids have been well-provided for, even managed summer camp, braces, volleyball, tennis, swim lessons, camping, new clothes, trips..............well, apparently that's not enough.
It may not be what they need. They probably just want to feel loved. Material things do not necessary make that happen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marylee54
Both kids became verbally abusive to me, screaming at me that me and my dh are losers, that's why we lost our jobs, they'd prefer to be in foster care, at least they could "live like everyone else" said it would be better to live on the streets than with me, said I care more about the cat than them (I have another thread about a lost cat who returned, I spent a lot of effort looking for the cat, but they were never pushed to one side for the cat, looking for the cat didn't bring any harm to them, they are provided for)
What is it that they think everyone else have? I would ask them for more details. I would also ask the what would they do if the had no family to turn to like most children in foster care. They get to be 18 and they are on their own. No family to go to for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.. Wow about living in the street, would they really to sleep on the floor or cot where who know who slept there before. Do they like bugs, dirt and grime. If the want to try it out tell them that for a weekend they can try to live and sleep on their clothes, no combs, no showers and get food out of the outside dumpster. Now I am not saying force them to do it just tell them if they want to prepare they can do it at home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marylee54
They called me a *****, bastard, mocked and mimicked me, taunted me, I'm disabled, walk with a cane, started pretending to walk with an impairment, started signing Super Freak, said we're stronger than you so what can you do to us? Said they were going to call CPS and ask to be put in a "decent" home, it just went on and on..........I told them please do, if you really feel the home we provide isn't good enough perhaps they can find you something better, who knows? Go for it, but while they're under my roof, they follow my rules.
Wow. This is way over the top. I do not know how I would have reacted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marylee54
I realize they reacted the way they did because I clipped their wings, but that isn't the first time they've been plain hateful to me. When I had my back surgery, I asked my dd to pick up something from the floor for me, she said "I'm not your servant" then walked away. when my dh was hospitalized with a heart attack, my son said "he's just a fat old man".
Next time you say OK I'll hire someone to help me with the money I would've spent on xyz for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marylee54
So, just wondering, has anyone else had their kids become plain hateful with them? Did it ever change and get better? I wonder where my sweet children went and who are these monsters in their place---please, tell me its a phase and will resolve itself!
I just can't see this behavior starting overnight. There must have been signs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marylee54
You're making a lot of assumptions that you're running with. I don't deserve this spiteful post, its not all about me and not about them, quite the opposite, we've busted our tails to provide for them over 4 years of financial hardship, I haven't even had new clothes during that time. Sorry if you don't think I'm kissing their a$$es enough!
I didn't see it as a spiteful post at all. Your response does sound like you want a pity party instead of suggestions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hypocore
I'm sorry you took it as spiteful instead of how it was intended, which was as outside advice based on what you've posted over the last several weeks, not just from this one post.
I certainly didn't indicate that anyone should kiss their butts at all so I'm not sure how you got that.
What I did try to convey is that this really isn't about busting your tails to provide for them. It's about their outcry towards you as a way to show that they are looking for something missing in their relationship with you and the only way they know is to fight you on it.
If what they were needing was to be provided for, which you've done, then they wouldn't be reacting this way. Simple.
Mockery of one's disabled mother troubles me the most about your post. Yes, tweenies and teens can be mouthy but I don't like meaness in people, least of all one's offspring to a mother. Calling a sickly father a fat old man? Where are they learning such behavior??!!
I am very sorry your kids are like this.
I would stop allowing them out to roam around. I think you have to rein them in now.
They have this saying among people who work with dogs....nothing in life is free.
Maybe it is time to put this into practice with your kids. They have to do chores, help out and be more a part of the family.
I know you've had a lot of stresses (finances and so on) but the kids should not be allowed 'guilty freedom/privileges. I have one child and he is far from spoiled. Day one he was born my husband and I said "We will not spoil this child. We will remind him how lucky he is to have this or that." He does get clothes, and other things before us but I would not just run out and give him 'designer' things and probably will not ever do this.
My son is nearly 12 so I do not know what he will be like but I would be heart broken if he was as mean as your children. I wish you good luck. Just remember they get worse as 14, 15, 16 year olds. Get control now, if you can. I have seen kids who just ride roughshod over parents. They wind up in a bad place many times.
Like someone else said, it's not just "Mother, I want a new dress or I hate you." It's meaness and lack of 'empathy.' By all means, they need to know when the family has little $$$. Giving them all these goodies has possibly backfired.
I don't get where the mean spiritedness comes in your children. You mention 'church.' I believe your family has some moral background, and I know you sound like a sweet lady in your other posts. I just find this all very sad.
Last edited by GypsySoul22; 01-13-2010 at 06:18 PM..
Since I'm often the one defending the children and saying to 'look at it from their perspective,' I now know what it's like for others to read my posts and think I must be from another planet because that's what I thought reading your post.
If these kids are missing anything in their relationship with their parents it's a swift kick in the rear.
Their rebellion is not the run of the mill teenage attitude. The OP needs to get her family into counseling.
That's funny.
Different people have different life experiences and some aren't open to different ways, so you run into people objecting to something that they just can't seem to fathom.
The thing with me, is I never think you, or anyone else, is from a different planet because I fully understand and accept that there are many different ways to parent. Whether or not I agree with them doesn't make them right or wrong. They are just different.
In this case, I don't think the kids need a swift kick in the rear, and believe me there are many times that I think that is exactly the answer. Just not here.
I'm deeply disturbed that these children feel it's OK to talk to you this way. AND that they had done it before...
This is not OK. I don't care if other's want to chalk this up to "normal teenage behavior".
The 1st time I backtalked my mother I was punished. There was no 2nd time. I could disagree with her but I was not allowed to talk disrespectfully to her.
My son talked back to me once and I very quietly but forcefully told him to watch his tone because I just wouldn't allow it.
Good luck to you. You've got a rough time ahead of you.
The thing with me, is I never think you, or anyone else, is from a different planet because I fully understand and accept that there are many different ways to parent. Whether or not I agree with them doesn't make them right or wrong. They are just different.
I get it. I really do. I think it's funny. I'm often perplexed when an entire thread jumps on me for having my opinion.
When I was eading your post, I just couldn't relate to it whatsoever. For the first time, I thought, "That must be what it's like to read my posts sometimes."
Quote:
Originally Posted by hypocore
In this case, I don't think the kids need a swift kick in the rear, and believe me there are many times that I think that is exactly the answer. Just not here.
TBH, I am having a very difficult time getting past them making fun of their disabled mother.
Then I reread one of her quotes someone had in their post about her husband having a heart attack. I've seen this happen in families where a parent is very ill. The two I've witnessed first hand are parents who had cancer and liver disease. It's like the teenagers purposely detach from the sick parent---usually in a very nasty manner---because they fear their parent will die. It's very possible that the OPs children might have that fear deep down inside.
we had friends who both took 10% pay cuts and they were horrified that their kids learned the truth of the new direction their lives would take. They had saved up money for a family vacation but now their new bills were getting out of control. So instead of taking that money to pay family bills, it was decided that husband would take the kids alone on vacation so the kids would not "suffer from lack of vacation".
IMO this set up the Mom as less than the other family members since she pulled the martyr trick and did without. Big mistake.
Their reasoning was so foreign to me. They felt it was more important to make their kids -12 and 10- not feel threatened by new financial circumstances than to pay off mounting bills.
I swear, it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut. But I do think kids at that age should be told of new circumstances, new directions the family is going to have to go and ask the kids for cooperation instead of putting the needs of the kids above the needs of the family. and BTW a vacation for a 12 year old is not a need.
we had friends who both took 10% pay cuts and they were horrified that their kids learned the truth of the new direction their lives would take. They had saved up money for a family vacation but now their new bills were getting out of control. So instead of taking that money to pay family bills, it was decided that husband would take the kids alone on vacation so the kids would not "suffer from lack of vacation".
IMO this set up the Mom as less than the other family members since she pulled the martyr trick and did without. Big mistake.
Their reasoning was so foreign to me. They felt it was more important to make their kids -12 and 10- not feel threatened by new financial circumstances than to pay off mounting bills.
I swear, it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut. But I do think kids at that age should be told of new circumstances, new directions the family is going to have to go and ask the kids for cooperation instead of putting the needs of the kids above the needs of the family. and BTW a vacation for a 12 year old is not a need.
That's insane. I can understand still wanting to take a vacation, but not at the expense of not paying bills. I'd opt for a long weekend of camping and keep it super cheap.
This is way more than "normal" teenage attitude....(that would include eye rolling, door slamming, the occasional "I hate you")....when your kids are both ganging up on you, belittling you, actually calling CPS (not just threatening because you took the ipod away) then you have some serious issues. Get counselling. Soon.
I absolutely agree with this post. This is not normal teenage attitude, I am on my 4th teenager with one more to go and NEVER have my children spoken to me like this. They need to have everything taken away from them, call CPS and see exactly what the minimum is you have to provide before it becomes neglect, and then that is what you provide for them. What they say to you is beyond hateful it is downright vicious.
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