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I have 2 kids, 13 ds and 12 dd. We had a very good relationship until about the last year, when they started middle school.
I kow, much has been written about the hormonal and social changes kids that age go through, but my kids actions don't seem to fit that slot all that neatly.
They've somehow gotten the upper hand, or at least think they do. Basically, they don't mind or follow my rules (which are reasonable). I finally put my foot down (or put foot to a$$, as some might say), oh, the backlash. Both kids were beyond hateful and said unspeakable things. I doubt I'll ever get over it.
My dh and I have suffered through unemployment, layoffs, underemployment the last 4 years, but always managed to maintain our standard of living. Both kids have been well-provided for, even managed summer camp, braces, volleyball, tennis, swim lessons, camping, new clothes, trips..............well, apparently that's not enough.
The other day I put my foot down on their wandering the neighborhood. I found my dd at the home of another child, unsupervised. I was lead to believe the other child's parents were at home, both girls lied and said the parents were home, but when I asked to speak with them they didn't appear. Either they weren't home or not speaking to me, both are unacceptable. I left repeated messages for them to call me, no calls returned, so I told my dd the friendship is off unless and until the other parents contact me.
Also, with my ds, I discovered he's been riding his bicycle beyond the bounds we established, and turns his cell off so we can't ping him. Also, I discovered he goes into other peoples homes without contacting us first. I found out just by talking to other parents. So, I locked his bike up.
Both kids are having complete hissy fits, saying I can't tell them what to do, I have no "right" to "ruin" their lives, yadda, yadda.
I told them to remember one simple fact---where they go, I know. Just keep repeating that until it sticks. Until then, they're grounded. They can stay home, do their homework, help me with housework, they don't need to be roaming the neighborhood.
Both kids became verbally abusive to me, screaming at me that me and my dh are losers, that's why we lost our jobs, they'd prefer to be in foster care, at least they could "live like everyone else" said it would be better to live on the streets than with me, said I care more about the cat than them (I have another thread about a lost cat who returned, I spent a lot of effort looking for the cat, but they were never pushed to one side for the cat, looking for the cat didn't bring any harm to them, they are provided for)
They called me a *****, bastard, mocked and mimicked me, taunted me, I'm disabled, walk with a cane, started pretending to walk with an impairment, started signing Super Freak, said we're stronger than you so what can you do to us? Said they were going to call CPS and ask to be put in a "decent" home, it just went on and on..........I told them please do, if you really feel the home we provide isn't good enough perhaps they can find you something better, who knows? Go for it, but while they're under my roof, they follow my rules.
I realize they don't like having their wings clipped and a reaction is expected, but they went way over the top. I had to leave the house to regain my composure. When I came back they looked bewildered, I didn't say anything, just went on about my business. But I don't think I can ever feel the same about them again. Like I said, my dh and I have had a difficult past few years, including health problems---my dh had 2 heart attacks, I had a spinal fusion, was hospitalized for bleeding colitis, through it all the house was clean, meals prepared, kids sent to school with clean, appropriate clothes, bills paid, ummm.......did I miss something?
I realize they reacted the way they did because I clipped their wings, but that isn't the first time they've been plain hateful to me. When I had my back surgery, I asked my dd to pick up something from the floor for me, she said "I'm not your servant" then walked away. when my dh was hospitalized with a heart attack, my son said "he's just a fat old man".
So, just wondering, has anyone else had their kids become plain hateful with them? Did it ever change and get better? I wonder where my sweet children went and who are these monsters in their place---please, tell me its a phase and will resolve itself!
I'm thinking that summer camp this year should be a boot camp. Find them some mission trips to go on with local churches. They think they have it bad....... HA! Seriously, sign them up to go on mission trips with youth groups. Let them REALLY see how "everyone else lives".
Whatever you do, don't let them get the best of you.
When the ramp it up and tell you that you're the worst parent in the world, tell them, "I know." When they tell you that other kids don't have to put up with this kind of stuff, and they shouldn't have to either, just say, "Nice try." When they threaten to leave, tell them you'll love them wherever they live.
It's going to be rough for a few years. Take good care of yourself.
I'm thinking that summer camp this year should be a boot camp. Find them some mission trips to go on with local churches. They think they have it bad....... HA! Seriously, sign them up to go on mission trips with youth groups. Let them REALLY see how "everyone else lives".
Our church does have a ministry for homeless, I should sign them up, but somehow it has a way of sending the wrong message, I've heard kids come back from those trips thinking the homeless have quite the life, because its all staged to block out the rough parts, it seems like one big campout.
But a good suggestion, I'd like to investigate
I can see my dd in her UGGS boots handing out socks to homeless who probably haven't been able to change their socks or wash their feet in days!
Marylee, I am sorry they put you through that. How awful. You are much kinder than I am because I would have broken that cane across their behind's or heads, whichever I could get to first. Hang in there.
Immediately stop all the extra activities. That takes time and money and those kids aren't deserving of anything extra.
When the chit hits the fan, calmly tell them "I drive respectful kids to volleyball, tennis, swim lessons. I pay for lessons/uniforms/league fees for respectful kids." No exception.
No more shopping. "Respectful kids get UGGS."
No cell phones. "I provide cell phones for responsible/respectful kids."
No going anywhere. "I allow responsible kids to leave our home."
okay do this then they want to act like criminals then strip their rooms no tv , no phone , no stereo ,you get the idea and just leave sheet and blanket . This is completely legal . tell them when they stop acting like criminals then you will return the stuff to their rooms and let them live like this for awhile . and if after returning their thing they return to the old behavior then do it again untill they get the idea . yeah and feed them bologna sandwiches cause tell them that the prisoners get only bologna sandwiches cause if they keep acting the way they are acting they will end up behind bars . i think boot camp would be a good idea too . I think our laws have gone too far in trying to protect our kids they have taught our kids how to talk back and act totally out of control . Spanking is not child abuse .
Our church does have a ministry for homeless, I should sign them up, but somehow it has a way of sending the wrong message, I've heard kids come back from those trips thinking the homeless have quite the life, because its all staged to block out the rough parts, it seems like one big campout.
But a good suggestion, I'd like to investigate
I can see my dd in her UGGS boots handing out socks to homeless who probably haven't been able to change their socks or wash their feet in days!
My daughter went on several last year. One was a few nights in another city about 4 hours away. They cleaned up a small neighborhood church and some yards around it in elderly peoples yards. They handed out water at a park where homeless hang out during the day. My daughter witnessed a drug bust and was literally within 15' of it when it happened. I didn't send her because she is a bad kid or anything even though we have had our moments (15 now). The 7th grade for girls has got to be THE WORST! Another community outreach that she went on last year thru church was where every class went somewhere in the community to serve on a Sunday morning. She went with one group that went to a womens shelter. She did not come back from it seeing a glamour side at all but rather got the message that life ain't grand for everyone and she is very blessed.
I've heard all of the "your the worst mom" and "I want to live with someone else" all because we make them mind and behave. Nothing like what went on with you but it is still bad because it is your kids and you love them. The thing that makes it so bad for you, imho, is that you have TWO and they are teamed up together against you. Mine are 4 years apart so they are different stages in life. A double whammy and I might have been the one picking up the phone and calling CPS to report THEM abusing ME.
First off I am very sorry for all the troubles you and your husband have been going through.
I don't have children that age but embarassingly enough I can vividly remember being absolutely dreadful to my mother. I would say terrible terrible things to her try to make her cry and placed a lot of importance on my firends and "being cool" and little to no energy on my family.
I am no longer that person today and my mother and I have a very good relationship and I'm sorry to her for what I put her through.
As an outsider reading your post I think I can see where you went wrong with a couple of things, just my opinion looking in please don't take offense to anything. 1) I think you and your husband felt bad for what was going on financially and struggled to maintian a certain lifestyle for them, of course this is a parents first instinct but it's hard to realize just how good things are if you've never experianced just how bad they can be. You've done all these things but they are not seeing them as you going above and beyond they just see them as normal. Ditto with you giving them a little too much freedom, they came to expect it and now with you "clipping their wings" as you put it they came to see a certain level of freedom as normal and are aghast that you now want to reign in that freedom.
I think a defining moment in my realationship with my mother was when i started to realize that she is a parent but she is also "just a person" she has feelings and hardships just like me. I think you need to start by teaching your kids a little compassion and helping them to understand that you and your husband are people too.
Teens can be truly horrible to their parents. I know I was, and I was the "good" one. My brother absolutely ran them through hell and back.
Keep a good reserve of long-term patience. It will work out in the long run.
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