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Hi, I received some good advice here back in October and unfortunately I'd like some more. It was about my 15 year old daughter, there was a boy, a vague relationship, which led to trouble one night with police/alcohol. Not long after that incident my daughter tired of that boy, so hasn't hung out with those kids since. Which was fine by me.
But she's just been on a ski trip weekend, with school, on the last night a few kids decided to have a party in one of the rooms, they made enough noise for one of the teachers to investigate further and found the kids with some alcohol. She was suspended from school for a few days and banned from ski trips, there are a few more coming up, for the rest of the season (which devastated her). I have to agree with the school, they have had these problems in the past and the kids (and parents) do sign contracts about their behavior on these trips. (the consequences of alcohol are spelt out really clearly).
Back in October I stayed calm with her, we talked about it, she was punished and after that I kept much closer tabs on her for a while as we worked on trust. We were back at the point where I really had no concerns about her going on ski trips, was not expecting to be informed of this. The friends that she gets around with are good kids, she has been fine since October, they're often around my house hanging out. (a couple of these kids were involved (and their parents are pretty upset too), aswell as other kids, all aged 15-17)
This time, to be honest, I was basically irate. I raised my voice at her, I don't often. I was really mad at her. I mean, for starters, back in October she was informed by the police that this was the warning, she was not charged with alcohol possession but she wouldn't be so lucky in the future (lucky for her, the police have not been involved in this). And we talked a lot about alcohol and decisions back then, she knew exactly what was expected of her. And now she has a suspension on her record when she has not been in any major trouble before and is a good student. So yes, irate.
According to her a couple of the older boys, 17 year olds, 'acquired' the alcohol, somehow. After some prompting she admitted that they weren't just a couple of very generous kids, that they had all put some money in. She had been claiming that they just came upon the kids and joined in, that there was no planning involved. But no, it was something that she was very conciously involved in.
To be honest, I am beginning to wonder a little bit if there have been other times that this sort of thing has happened. I have always felt that she has been truthful for the most part (except for October), now I wonder. She acts like she's just really unlucky about getting caught twice in 3 months... (as I say I just don't know, the kids are often at my house and there's nothing going on here) She is upset, she was not happy about my reaction, she knows I'm really disappointed in her (again), she is answering my questions (a couple of questions she has tried to play around with words to make things sound better for her, she does get around to the truth though). She has apologized for her actions, we have talked about decisions, good judgement calls.
She has been grounded on top of the school's actions. And I haven't given her any time frame for when I'm going to let her pick up her snowboard again but for now she's not going with anyone. Which is not really something I want to have drag on, I do like my kids to be involved in activities, have things to keep busy with. She is passionate about it, and I do want to support her.
I'm not sure how much I should panic over this. Or whether to treat it as 'normal' teenage issues. Both incidents seem to be 'peer' issues (not saying that makes her any less responsible). Really bad decision making. I am really concerned...she's only 15, and we've had these two alcohol situations that have both had the potential to be very serious...and yet they do seem like they're isolated incidents, I'd still say she's a good kid, we have a good relationship, we talk about things, her group of friends, her school friends, are good kids, kids I'm happy to have around my home. I'm not quite sure where to go from here. Are these just times where she's pushed the boundaries and been 'lucky' enough to be caught?
Panic, no. Punish and keep under close observation, most definitely. I was 15 when I started experimenting with alcohol and it was not a thing that ever had a good impact on my life, to say the least. If you think most of her friends are safe and good influences, you may consider lifting the grounding for them to visit your home, but keeping it in place as far as dd going anywhere unsupervised.
I can guarantee you, she's been drinking and doing other things since she was caught in October.
The kids she hands out with who you think are "good" kids may not be. Your best bet is to ground her, take away all privileges (including snowboarding, skiing, etc), and do whatever you have to do to make her realize how serious this issue is.
Once the grounding is over, let her know she is not to go out with any 'friends' unsupervised. They can come to your home (so long as a parent is present) but she won't be going out to any friends homes, movies, mall, or to 'hang out' until she completely earns your trust again. She seems to follow what the crowd does and that's a dangerous thing.
This is your daughter's life that you're talking about. You have to take whatever steps necessary to keep her healthy and safe.
I agree with Omigawd. I would venture to guess she has been partaking in this behavior for awhile, but you have only found out about it twice. She obciously didn't learn much the first time with the boyfriend as well, so there is something a bit more amiss. It is a really a dangerous cycle and can lead to so many bad things. Being a follower is only good when the road is good.
Please... stay on top of what she is doing and keep tabs on her. She will protest for sure, but honestly, it's her life you very well could be saving. Peace.
Panicking is rarely a good a idea. You make bad decisions without considering the consequences.
Understand that as a teen she is testing the real world against her abilities and exploring freedom against her responsibilities.
So there is some understanding to be found there. Try to remember back to when you were a teen. Remember when your parents told you "no", but you thought you could handle it anyway? She's going through that. And that is how they learn to handle the real world. They do it behind your back. So, you have to maintain your rules, but I think to a certain point, as long as she is engaging the behavior relatively responsibly (and I don't mean legally, but with regards to safety), anger should be tempered. Not eliminated, and I'm not saying there should be no consequences. Just an understanding that this is part of her growing, learning, and preparing to leave the nest.
Experience is a great teacher. And she's going to get experience somehow or another. You want her to have enough tools to manage and survive the experience. That's the most important thing, IMO.
I don't think you should panic, but I do think you need to monitor her very closely. And WHOEVER these kids were, that had the booze, I would not allow her to go anywhere/do anything with them, again.
Quote:
her group of friends, her school friends, are good kids, kids I'm happy to have around my home.
They wouldn't be around my home again. And do not allow her to get a driver's permit until this entire matter is resolved.
Your daughter is not responsible and does not know how to set boundaries on behavior and how to do so. Talk about it with her and show her......until such time as she can, then I would keep very close tabs on her. She needs to understand the gravity of all this, as well.
You sounded like you felt a little guilty for getting mad at your daughter - you know what? I would've been mad, too! If she keeps this up, she will ruin her future, her reputation, and her chances of getting into a good college.
Address it now, before it gets any worse.
You have my complete support, as I have a 15-year-old. She hasn't had any incidents like this but you can bet if she did I'd come down on her like a ton of bricks...........good luck.
I would not panic, but I would be concerned. This is twice that she has shown you that alcohol is of such utmost importance in her life that she is willing to risk trouble with the law/school authorities. I think that as parents we need to expect to deal with our kids experimenting with substances, but we also need to expect to dole out some heavy duty consequences when our expectations for behavior are not met.
I am most concerned that her experiences with alcohol are related to experiences with boys. The loss of awareness associated with alcohol combined with teenaged raging hormones (on her part as well as the boys) may have dire consequences for her. I would ask her flat out what the attraction is with alcohol. See what she says.
I would allow her to continue to be in social situations, but I would make sure that she is ONLY in social situations where there are adults around to supervise. Only allow her to be at your house when you are home. Only allow her to be at friends houses when their parents are around. The fact that she signed a contract and then broke it tells me that her word simply cannot be trusted. It means nothing. I would communicate this to her in the most serious (and calm) way possible.
I would not go the full grounding route, and I would NOT give her a time frame. IMO-time frames are stupid. They do not teach a child anything except to wait it out. OK-10 days until I can drink again, 9 days, 8 days.......You need to let her know that your expectations for her behavior do not have a time frame. When you are ready to allow her some more freedom you will do so. I would take each request separately and make a separate ruling. Just because you say yes to the school dance in Feb that doesn't mean you will say yes to a party at Joe's house the next week.
Only allow her to be at friends houses when their parents are around.
People used to rely on the presence of other children's parents as "supervision." Now, likely as not, the parents are partying right along with their teens.
I don't trust other kids' parents unless I know the parents, personally. I found that out the hard way.
I don't want my teenage daughter to "learn by experience." If one learned by experience, then they would have to get in trouble and go to jail before they found out drugs/alcohol/crime is bad. Their future would be ruined. That's what we, as parents, are for; to guide them, so that they escape these dangers and pitfalls. You, as the parent, makes the rules - if she breaks them, and she did, there should be consequences.
Wow. I guess I'm just on the other end of the spectrum.
Your first line included...."there was a boy" from then on I knew it would be nothing but trouble.
And mom, your job isn't to get mad, irate, or to be supportive of your daughter...
you are to protect her at all costs.
This is a blessing in disguise- you've been given a glimpse into the 'real' life of your daughter...what's really going on.
It's up to you now.
What is your objective? What is your goal with your family and daughter?
Then, what is the pathway to get you to the goal?
[Am a single mom of 3, retired military, and they are well educated and the oldest two began college in their mid teens....got to big for their britches and I had some hard work ahead of me...really hard. The world/peers pulling on one end and my duties as their mom trying to educate them and guide them/protect them on the other end.... my hair went grey fast! Bumpy was the road and our relationships were strained. But now-- they are 19 and 18 and both active duty miltary. My oldest (the one I really butted heads with) and I are closer than ever. Just do what is best for you child....however difficult. Hang in!]
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