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Originally Posted by Mandasue00
I don't know if I am over reacting but I feel like my child is heading down a bad path and I don't know how to turn him around.
When at day school (which he's been attending since age 1) he seems to do really well. At least we do not hear about any outbursts or any major issues. We get the same story when he is with Grandma.
At home it is the complete opposite. He is always yelling out demands, "I want something to drink," "I want to watch a movie," etc... He only says please when we remind him to do so. My husband and I try hard not to do any yelling but I have to admit lately we have broken down and yelled when we cannot take his tantrums any more. If he does not get his way he screams at the top of his lungs and begins throwing things and trying to hit us. I have tried time-outs, taking toys away and even just calmly sitting down with him and talking to him about it not being okay to hit or throw things and I try to get out of him what is wrong but he only says, "because."
The mornings are the worse. I am not usually witness to this as I am usually gone by the time my husband and my son get up. My husband tells me that every morning our son throws a massive fit about not wanting to go to school. He screams, throws things, hits, calls names, "stupid daddy". My husband has a hard time getting him dressed and out the door on time. He says our son just screams constantly "I don't want to go to school, I want to stay home."
I am at the end of my rope already. I can't stand to see our son crying and so upset, but at the same time I cannot let him get away with being so disrespectful. What can I do? What should I try? Please I need the advise.
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OK...I will be the bearer of bad news. I will say things many people don't want to hear because we live in the age of parent blaming and child glorification. As in "you haven't yet applied just the RIGHT parenting method and your child is just trying to tell you something". You will have to take advice like the one below with such a large grain of salt that it should cause instant high blood pressure.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEDALLOKUYA
Cause and effect.
Child learns what is acceptable and what is not.
Child yells and gets a tethering and privileges taken away he will soon realize that is not acceptable.
Child is respectful and gets rewards, praise, ect he will realize that is acceptable behavior.
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Now here's the bad breaking news: there is a very good chance you drew a "not-so-great-ticket" in the genetic lottery.
Just like with everything else in life, some parents are luckier than others when it comes to what kind of child they gave birth to.
No, it's not your parenting. And no, it's not your child trying oh-so-badly to tell you something from the bottom of his innocent heart. Brutal reality: you have a difficult child and no, his heart is not innocent. Many humans are not born with innocent hearts. Parents call such children "difficult", society will later call them a variety of labels that boil down to "undesirable".
A child's nature/character/essence/genetics are visible early on - but parents won't necessarily recognize it for what it is (fate) because this gets lost in the developmental and environmental noise (they're still too young, parents must parent just the RIGHT way, you have control over who your child will turn out to be).
If you feel like you are routinely pushed towards the end of your rope where you are hard pressed to act like a "hardly ideal" parent, then you might have drawn such a ticket. So no, it's not you. '
It's your kid - and your bad luck.
The type of problems you report at 3 are likely to turn into major problems later on, regardless of the solutions you will choose to apply now (firm/wise/kind/enlightened/less enlightened/perfect/whatever parenting, counseling, you-name-it).
All might still NOT turn out well despite all of your applied wisdom.
Why? Because some human material is just that: incorrigible.
I had the same situation you report early on: very intelligent child but a terrible psychological make up designed to torture the living lights out of those who love him - since day 1. Well...it was more like day 20 or 30 when his horrific colic began. He was a very difficult baby, overall.
In toddlerhood - pronounced laziness, aversion to effort/discipline and a tendency towards gloominess and incessant oppositional behavior were the first things I noticed about him, as early as the age of 1. It never changed.
At the age of 10, he continues to be a smart and very astute kid who does well in school (including being in a gifted program) and never does anything wrong in the presence of "third parties" (teachers, officials, etc) because he's too sharp to not know better.
At home, however, he lets his hair down daily and chooses to psychologically torture his parents every day. He knows perfectly what he is doing - despite all the kindness, patience, affection and dedication he has been shown repeatedly.
Refuses to do homework, is generally extremely lazy and disorganized, whines, argues back, talks back, twists your words and pretends you said something you 100% didn't, lies...pushes and pushes and pushes until you can't stand him anymore.
He knows you care about his well-being and that you can't just shrug things off like a "third/disinterested" party would.
Even if you choose to shrug things off he will follow you until he gets the best out of you. A variety of punishments do not ultimately work. Rewarding good behavior not only does not work at a,ll, but it triggers a severe desire in him to turn things around towards trouble as soon as possible. He cannot stand going a few hours in harmony, good mood, being rewarded, praised, etc. He loves his dark side and wants it out most of the times.
His sister was what made me understand that it's all about the lottery.
When you have children like my no 1, your life will be difficult, regardless of what you choose to do. Society will make it even more difficult for you by making you feel that the way your child behaves is your fault, on some level, becusee you haven't done the right thing yet. It isn't.
When you have children like my no 2, you will never be able to understand why some parents whine so much, why they don't "take responsibility", why they don't apply just the RIGHT parenting method (like you do) and why they seem to be so bad at parenting while you are so awesome.
When you have one of each - you will finally see the truth in all of its nakedness.
You will eventually just reach the conclusion that you also have to protect yourself and that you cannot completely sacrifice the few decades you have left on this Earth for a type of child you simply didn't ask for.
Ethical? Moral? Fair to the child? I dunno.
Nobody seems to worry about "ethics" when the lottery deals some parents a sweet hand, and a terrible one to others - no matter how wholesome, loving and caring they have always been towards their children.
Be kind to yourself. Do the best you can - but emotionally, just let go and care less.
It will be the only way to avoid the road to Hel*.