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I didn't get from the OP that she was STILL financially contributing to the children, just that she has contributed more to one child than the other.The only current thing she mentioned was that the younger son was renting from them. Perhaps I am reading it wrong though. I also got that one child has health problems and as a result that child has had to have more support. I get that and I also get that many people, perhaps your older son included, doesn't recognize depression as a health problem. I understand that one grand child is closer to you because you are able to spend more time with that one grandchild, not that you favor one over the other, huge difference. My inlaws spend way more time with my son because they live 10 minutes away than they do with their other grandson of the same age because they live 400 miles away, that is obvious
I also got that perhaps you are TOO involved in both your sons lives, financially anyway.
All that being said, your younger son would feel so much better about himself if he were more independent and that would help him to take better care of himself and his depression. You can continue to support your younger son and grandchild in a non-financial way.
And I think you need to have a long, long heart to heart with your older son. Tell him how you feel, that you knwo that it appears on the outside that you favor your younger son but that you don't that you love them equally but that you have always felt your younger son has needed mroe help but that you have always felt so proud and secure with the older son because you are confident in him and his abilities, etc. Just talk to him.
But I will tell you that being unfairly treated by parents and/or grandparents can cause resentment so I cant stress strongly enough that you need to be fair.
My father and stepmother are very generous people.
That being said, my stepsiblings and their children "get" so much more from them - money, time, attention.
I understand why - my stepsiblings are losers and our parents are trying to make it up to the other grandchildren. But it hurts. 9 years ago, we made the decision to move across country so that we didn't have to be faced with it as often. Hearing my dad justify what they do with and for the other grandkids just makes it hurt more.
I get it. They're all a bunch of losers, now in their early 40s. Their kids are all just starting out in life (17-22) and need more help right now. My kids "have" Christmas and a birthday, even if our parents don't send gifts - the others don't. Now this isn't because the others CAN'T provide, but they don't because they know their mother and my father WILL if they don't.
One year, we planned a trip to Disney. My dad and stepmom asked to come along. They paid for the tickets for all of us. We had a fantastic time. During those TWO days, each of my three stepsiblings called with some type of emergency... "My car is getting repossessed" "My transmission just fell out and I can't get to work" "I wrote $2000 worth of bad checks and I need to be bailed out of jail".
I told them years ago that I don't want to hear about the stepsibs anymore and I've made it clear that if they are there when we come to visit, we'll leave. They may want to be around those losers, but I do not. My dad has been trying to convince me that the grandkids are different than their parents, but I don't care. They couldn't come visit me & my kids during spring breaks because they had to watch the loser's kids while they were out of school. Sometimes, they were just too broke because they'd bailed one or more of the loser's out of their most recent problems.
This WILL come back to haunt them someday. I am an "adult", but you can only get kicked to the side so often and watch your children get the short end of the stick so much before you step out of the way.
You obviously see what you are doing to your older son and his child. And yet you continue to do it. That's cruel. My dad asks why we won't come visit for the holidays. This stuff is why - I don't want to ruin my holidays.
Oh, BTW, one of my stepbrothers "rent" my parent's other house from them too. Once when Dad had a bit too much to drink and we were on the phone, he mentioned that they only PAY their rent a couple times a year. I wish I could find a 2500 sq ft home to rent in San Diego for $500 every 2-3 months.
Absolutely! I thought the same thing --- all that money she's dishing out to BOTH her GROWN SONS? She and her husband need to take that money and go on a nice, long, relaxing vacation and treat themselves like royalty.
There is absolutely no reason on this earth the OP should be doling out this kind of money to "children" who are in their 30s.
I'll have to agree with this. It sounds like you are enabling them almost to the point of being too dependent on you. If they don't start paying their own way on things, I feel they will not ever understand the "value" of what they have and how much you have had to sacrifice. At 30, it is time to cut the apron strings.
I agree with the others who say you are doing too much for both of your grown sons. As far as being closer to one's child than the other. I can tell you that my grandmother had favorites - my cousins, not me and my sister. Their parents were worse off financially than mine. They "needed" more help. It is not a good feeling to grow up with. Now, my kids are the ones who don't need the help. their cousins are. I can see the same pattern forming. I think you should step back from taking care of your grown children, and put the same amount of effort into all of your grand kids.
As other posters have already pointed out, you are doing too much for your kids and they will never figure out how to be totally self sufficient. You need to tone it down quite a lot! You might as well have put an addition on your house and had them move in for the money you are spending.
But I do not believe you are favoring one over the other. Regardless of how much you are supporting them, they are family, and that's what family is about. Hopefully they will remember that as you get older and might need one of them to take care of you. However, it sounds as though you have spoiled them too much.
I have cosigned, sent money, let move in with me etc. to all of my faimly at one point or another. I have even sent my parents money. As long as I know they are truly struggling I would help support them any way I could. I know they would do the same.
But again, you are doing too much for them. If you are going to help, do them a favor and stop helping them live above their means. They are obviously not self sufficient.
Of course if I had a grandchild I would be a little more forgiving
As far as being closer to one's child than the other. I can tell you that my grandmother had favorites - my cousins, not me and my sister. Their parents were worse off financially than mine. They "needed" more help. It is not a good feeling to grow up with.
We are going through the same issue, too. And sometimes it just grates on me. There are all the little financial things that annoy me (always paying for my niece's back to school shopping, paying for her hockey equipment, paying my sister's loan, etc., etc.) but what puts me over the edge is difference between the grandkids. I know that my parents are closer to my niece--she lives much closer and as a single parent, my sister has had to rely on them more. And they want to be able to provide for a part of my niece's life that isn't there. But it routinely interferes with my sons being able to see them. There is the issue of money to come see us because of all they spend bailing my sister out and buying things for my niece. Then there is the issue that they will never come out for a holiday to visit us because of her (they might come out next year, but only if they can afford four tickets). I should say that until last year we always travelled for both Thanksgiving and Christmas to see them or the inlaws. And now they have totally blocked off the entire summer as a no-go because of 4H projects, which my mom is only one of many leaders for--she can't miss one day although they will drive three hours to see my niece's music concert. Ugh!!!!
Sorry, I had to rant tonight, too. OP, please take from my ranting that while differences in financial help may aggravate your oldest, I'm betting that his true frustration lays with the perceived notion that your spending habits on the youngest prevent you from being to see the oldest's children more. And I can tell you, it hurts. It really, really hurts. Just tonight, my son asked when his grandparents can visit. What do you tell them, when you are just as boggled? So I had him call my parents. Afterward, he handed the phone to me and my dad said, "guilt trip, huh?" I told him no, that he asked it all by himself and we were tired of trying to deal with it and told him that he could ask them himself. And that we would continue to do that because we were tired of it. Maybe they will get the idea that their grandsons love them just as much (and need them just as much) as thier granddaughter. I doubt it will make a difference. But I can tell you that I'm done trying to keep my sons from playing favorites. Their other grandmother tries to be more involved in their life, even from afar, and comes out as often as she can. And if my mom complains about any favoritism, I think I'm to the point where I will tell her its her own fault.
So OP, why don't you make a list of how much you spend on your youngest per year and compare that with how much it costs to visit your oldest. Then even it out a bit more by visiting your oldest more often, if possible.
We are going through the same issue, too. And sometimes it just grates on me. There are all the little financial things that annoy me (always paying for my niece's back to school shopping, paying for her hockey equipment, paying my sister's loan, etc., etc.) but what puts me over the edge is difference between the grandkids. I know that my parents are closer to my niece--she lives much closer and as a single parent, my sister has had to rely on them more. And they want to be able to provide for a part of my niece's life that isn't there. But it routinely interferes with my sons being able to see them. There is the issue of money to come see us because of all they spend bailing my sister out and buying things for my niece. Then there is the issue that they will never come out for a holiday to visit us because of her (they might come out next year, but only if they can afford four tickets). I should say that until last year we always travelled for both Thanksgiving and Christmas to see them or the inlaws. And now they have totally blocked off the entire summer as a no-go because of 4H projects, which my mom is only one of many leaders for--she can't miss one day although they will drive three hours to see my niece's music concert. Ugh!!!!
Sorry, I had to rant tonight, too. OP, please take from my ranting that while differences in financial help may aggravate your oldest, I'm betting that his true frustration lays with the perceived notion that your spending habits on the youngest prevent you from being to see the oldest's children more. And I can tell you, it hurts. It really, really hurts. Just tonight, my son asked when his grandparents can visit. What do you tell them, when you are just as boggled? So I had him call my parents. Afterward, he handed the phone to me and my dad said, "guilt trip, huh?" I told him no, that he asked it all by himself and we were tired of trying to deal with it and told him that he could ask them himself. And that we would continue to do that because we were tired of it. Maybe they will get the idea that their grandsons love them just as much (and need them just as much) as thier granddaughter. I doubt it will make a difference. But I can tell you that I'm done trying to keep my sons from playing favorites. Their other grandmother tries to be more involved in their life, even from afar, and comes out as often as she can. And if my mom complains about any favoritism, I think I'm to the point where I will tell her its her own fault.
So OP, why don't you make a list of how much you spend on your youngest per year and compare that with how much it costs to visit your oldest. Then even it out a bit more by visiting your oldest more often, if possible.
ya, it is complicated. Part of me is satisfied and proud that we don't need the extra help and attention. But it is annoying too because I went through it myself.
I'd like to suggest that sibling rivalry may be about more than just spending money or time more than one with the other.
DH has 2 siblings. Both have needed help/rescuing more than once. IL's have been generous, allowing them to move home as adults, providing jobs, cars, furniture, etc. Monetary help has been given as well.
We've never needed help. That's a GOOD thing. DH is glad he's never had to rely on his parents in that way and he doesn't resent his siblings. What he would like is some recognition from his parents. We've never wanted or needed their furniture or their cars or their money...but I know DH would love it if his parents expressed that they are proud of him. I think they don't say it because they don't want to give the impression that they aren't as proud of the siblings that have needed help. DH doesn't see it that way and that his parents never express it is something that is lacking in their relationship.
Sometimes it's not about the material things. It may not be about what you are or aren't giving any of one the kids but make sure that they all know that they are loved, that you are proud of them.
As an older child, I totally understand where your son is coming from. Now that my brother and I have both finished college, my parents leave us alone financially, but they bought him a car, let him live at home after graduation til he got a job, and several other perks that were not offered to me because " I didn't need those things and he did". It still bugs me to this day- the only reason I don't hate my brother is that I know he didn't ask for those things, they were offered. Most parents are tougher on the older kid and then baby the younger one because they recognize that they were possibly too tough.
Your son is married and a father. Quite frankly, his wife should be the one bailing him out, not you. If you are still bailing out your son in his 30s, you messed up with him. As tough as it is to let your kid fail, sometimes that failure is what he needs to get the drive to succeed.
As long as you bail out your younger son, your older son will resent you. It's as simple as that. It doesn't mean that he's right (different kids have different needs), but you have to work hard to change his perception. If you want, you can draw up a ledger to show how much you've spent on him vs. his brother. If that tally weighs heavily for either son, think a lot about what you're doing. Your son also probably feels that he has to be self sufficient because you spend so much time bailing out his brother. He would be unlikely to come to you about a problem and he probably perceives his own hesitation to be a result of thinking that you wouldn't help him. You have to constantly reassure him that you love him (and his children) equally. If you can't do that, then can you blame him for thinking you favor his brother?
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