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When I went away to college, I stopped calling, did my own thing. Later, when I got my own place, I was busy working, dating, having fun, managing my own life - months could go by before I'd remember to call. But we always spent holidays together.
It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I started talking to my Mom almost every day. Now that I have kids (I'm a SAHM), I see her almost every day as a matter of fact.
I too spent more time with my mother once I had my daughter. Then I ended up moving in with her (and my father, grandmother and brother) for a few years--my mother was my daycare and I am fortunate I had that opportunity.
I have a 23 ds, a 21, dd, and a 19 ds. I talk to my dd at least once or twice a week and see her on facebook. I talk to my 23 ds alot less frequently but we are close. i also talk to the 19 ds about once a week. I also talk to my own mom about 2x a week. If we didn't live 400 miles apart I would see them more than 1-2 times a year too.
HELLO EVERYONE...
I was sitting here thinking back to when I was a younger woman. I was remembering how I was so close with my mother. Growing up I talked with my mother everyday, I called her or she called me a few times a day.
In the morning it was a good morning how was your night, afternoon was what are you going to do for lunch, then it was what's for dinner, then what are you watching on tv and then good night talk to you tomorrow. There was rarely a day that we didn't talk 4-5 times. Even when we fought hardly a day would go by before I would call her or she me.
Have times changed for every mother or just me??
I have three daughters, 25, 21 and 19 years old. My oldest daughter works full time and has a young son, my 21 year old works full time and my baby is in college. So yup they are all busy with their own lives. I understand, I get it!!
My oldest daughter calls me every other Wednesday or Thursday, if I forget to call her, because I pick my grandson up on Fridays, so she calls to check and make sure we are all set. Once in a while we talk a little longer but basically the conversations are based on what is happening with my granson.
My middle daughter, calls...well...never and neither does my younger one.
So a while ago, I heard them talking about Facebook. "AHA" I thought "that's what I"ll DO!!" so I got a facebook page. It was great at first. I got to read all about their lives, I saw their friends and read what they were up to, I got to see pictures and make comments. At FIRST! Then I couldn't see much of anything anymore, my daughter later told me that she blocked me from seeing her status'. Oh Well, that didn't stop me cuz I still had my other 2 daughters and I could still see picture of my grandson. (NO ONE takes REGULAR pictures anymore, you have to "check them out online") Eventually, I felt IGNORED and INVISIBLE!! They just didn't reply or answer me, except for my middle daughter, she usually did. SO I said good bye face book.
I have tried to talk to my girls. They just keep telling me I am over reacting and that they are just busy. I have talked to other people and they say "it is just the kids these days" I don't know, So Tell me...
How oten do you hear from your kids???
IS it just kids these days? So busy with work and friends they can't be bothered with good ol' mom??
thanks, I can't wait to hear!!
Maybe it's just girls today?
I hear from my boys fairly regularly. One calls at least every other day, if not once a day, the other calls about every 3rd day. They are 20 and 26.
This thread is making me feel horrible because everyone seems to talk to their kids daily. Dorrie, I feel for you.
When my son went to college, we moved overseas at the same time. The time difference made calling very difficult because it was hard to find a time that worked for both of us. Additionally, I was trying to cope with a new culture and was distracted myself. I would email frequently at first, but wouldn't always get a response. I was worried I was "smothering" so I backed off. I decided to see if he would call me (mind you, we were VERY close all during his childhood and adolescence, no rebellion issues, nothing, just smooth sailing all the way. He is a great kid.) Well, if I left it up to him, 6 weeks would go by before I'd hear anything. I tried calling once a month, at least. Our conversations were always fine, interesting, not shallow. I was afraid to discuss our infrequency of communication because I was self conscious about being a smothering mom. Hmmm. Now I think maybe I should have made a standing date, that every Sunday at 4pm we are gonna talk, whether you want to or not!
Now we are back in the same locale (about an hour apart). I only see him about once every 3-4 weeks and we talk or email AT BEST once a week. At best, and that's my doing. I have broached the topic of his seeming indifference and he says he's busy with his life and reacts negatively to any whining on my part about wanting to spend more time with him. I find that what works best is if I call and have a plan for something specific to go do together, or if I invite him over. He doesn't have a car though so coming to Mom's house is not an easy thing to do (I have to pick him up, bring him here, then drive him back, and that's a lot of commuting time). I wish I lived nearby -- maybe he'd "drop in" but I wouldn't count on it. But if I call him with an "interesting date" idea, then he's up for it and seems to enjoy my company.
So anyway Dorrie, don't feel bad. I could not have dreamed up a more perfect relationship with my son than the one we had when he was at home. People often commented on it, and would tell me how lucky I was. His friends would tell him what a cool mom he had. What happened at age 19 when he went to college? Why did he become so remote? I really don't know. I wish he needed me more, or wanted to talk more, but he just doesn't.
As a contrast, my sister and I speak almost every single day, in fact, it is a rare day when we don't communicate. I'm a little sad at his distance but not sure what to do about it. I feel that I let a bad habit start when he was in college. Maybe my attempt to respect his space got interpreted as a lack of interest in his life? But you'd think my recent efforts to reconnect would put that to rest in his mind.
I think if there are no issues between you and your daughters, that they probably really are just busy with their lives and don't realize how lonely you are for them. And btw, I would NEVER even attempt to friend my son on his Facebook page!!!! LOL, that would go over like a ton of bricks. I'm sure your daughters don't want mom hanging around with them and their friends in cyberspace. Definitely do not take that personally!
As a college student, being full time is quite difficult as you have to learn how to juggle academics with social life and what not along with general living and learn how to live without mum and dad. Your other two children might be swamped with things, so I think you might want to take the initiative and drop them random calls every now and then (about once or twice a week) to show that you still care and care enough to give them their space as well
DorrieMA,
Boy----can I identify with you!!! I have 2 wonderful sons that I love a lot, and I know that they love me. When they were younger(early to mid 20's) we'd talk more often. Now??? Sometimes I think I could die and they wouldn't find out about it until months after my funeral! As I said, I do know they love me. But I really enjoy talking with them. I actually like these guys and respect their opinions and find them engaging. But they seldom call. I will hear from them on major holidays. And on my birthday, though sometimes late. (that's okay) I will call them occasionally---don't want to be too demanding---and leave a message. Many times i never hear back from them. I've tried e-mail, and have better luck with my oldest with that, but can't do it too often. I've tried Facebook, but neither son really cares to keep up with that. Since I now have grandkids that live at quite a distance, I begged for us to get webcams and try skpe. Well... I got the webcam, but they can't be bothered to even get theirs hooked up. I know they have extremely busy lives, between spouse, kids, jobs, home, etc. But I'm their Mother! Doesn't that mean anything???? I tried once to mention it to one of them. He said at the time that he didn't want to call when he didn't have enough time for a good chat, and since he never had enough time, he never called. I told him I'd much rather he just called and said "hi--thinking about you! We're okay" and actually do it! To no avail. This Xmas He and GF gave me a cell phone. He told me I had to learn to text message. He said if I didn't learn that I'd prob never hear from him because he couldn't phone from work. Of course I said I would learn!! Have tried and succeeded a bit, but not too hard because they told me I'd get a different phone with a keyboard on it.
I ask myself"Is it just because they're guys? would it be different if I had daughters? Heck---I was the one who always made my ex call his mom. I'm the one who always wrote to her every week. ( I was lucky to have a great MIL) I talked to my mom and Grandma once a week, at least.
So....no good answers. In my case, I truly think my unwanted divorce made a difference. It became awkward for them---they didn't know what to say. I was devastated by it, but wanted them to maintain good relationship with dad. So that may have contributed to it??? And I am lonelier since then. But I try to be up-beat when I do talk......I've pretty much just given up. I've kinda resigned myself to the idea I'll seldom see or hear from my kids or my grandkids, no matter what I do. Can't MAKE them do anything!!! Out of my control. They're good guys, so guess I'd better be thankful for that. But I miss them. They're in their mid to late 30's, BTW. And , yes, I do have a life, friends, etc. If I try to not contact them, as one poster suggested, they just don't notice......Ah, well. What's a mother to do??LOL!
p.s. please don't think all I do is complain when I talk, either. I am humorous, and we talk about a wide variety of topics when we actually get together, so it shouldn't be because it's a downer experience to call me. Maybe they worry about me because they know I'm struggling, so don't want to be reminded of that, nor be reminded that their dad cheated and remarried and broke up our family? Ya think? Better to avoid it altogether???? But I DO know they love me! At least I'm SURE of that! Sorry if this too long--guess it struck a nerve.....
some people are talkers. Others are not. I hate talking on the phone and only do so if I have something to say. My mom used to call me a few times a day. I asked her to compromise with me and we could call each other once a week to catch up and have a meaningful conversation instead of frequent calls with a lot of silent moments while we each struggled to find something to talk about. In her mind talking all the time equaled love. In my mind quality calls meant connection and love. It took awhile to find a place where we both felt ok.
My mother and I talked everyday, usually more than once. She passed away several years ago, and I woudn't trade those talks for anything. Now, I make sure I talk to my dad at least once a day. I also have a boy in college. We talk or text at least once a day. I don't think he really wants to, but before he left I asked him to please let me know he was alive each day..lol. I have tried to stop worrying, but that is who I am, and he knows it. Hopefully, I am not a problem for him. Our conversations are usually very short because he is busy with his life. That is fine with me, but it does take some getting used to. At one time we were extremely important to them, and now they barely have time for us. It is the way life is supposed to be, but it doesn't make it any easier.
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