Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-23-2010, 12:25 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,839,661 times
Reputation: 30715

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Obrero View Post
I think a kid (yeah 17 going on 18 is still a kid) needs to know there is someone who unequivocally loves them and has their back; regardless of how crappy they have acted in the past. But right now it's time for you to step away (not permanently) from this relationship
I wholeheartedly agree. My parents always let us learn from our mistakes, and they were very good at being there to pick up the pieces when it mattered---when we learned our lessons! And we made mistakes over and over. And our parents were there when it mattered over and over. Stepping away and establishing healthy boundaries can be done without completely writing off a child.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-23-2010, 12:30 PM
 
Location: 38°14′45″N 122°37′53″W
4,156 posts, read 10,995,626 times
Reputation: 3439
Quote:
Originally Posted by Obrero View Post
I think a kid (yeah 17 going on 18 is still a kid) needs to know there is someone who unequivocally loves them and has their back; regardless of how crappy they have acted in the past. But right now it's time for you to step away (not permanently) from this relationship.

I would write him a letter so he can read it when times get tough for him (and they will). Simply state you love him, miss him and that he is welcome back in your life anytime he wishes to be respectful. However, you can't allow yourself to be abused by him so you wait patiently for him to make that choice.
Totally agree with you, that is what I wrote too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-23-2010, 01:01 PM
 
2,222 posts, read 10,634,781 times
Reputation: 3328
I wouldn't shut the door on your son, but I certainly would not tolerate the abuse. I would also not be baking for him, buying him gifts, or any other non-essential things.

I would set up some boundaries for home that are reasonable for a 17 year old. If he chooses to ignore them, then I would let him move in with his father if that is his wish. He is almost 18. You can not stop him then. But you can stop what is going on in your home.

I would let your son know if he needs a roof over his head, food to eat, medication, and above all, lots of love, the door is open. But the attitude is not welcome. His choice. Let him make his own bed.

I'm a big believer in tough love. Offer him a safe haven. If he does not abide by some basic ground rules for anyone living in your home, then I think you must protect the younger children and ask him to move. Again, his choice. These are all choices he is making, bad or good. He needs to be responsible for his own actions and their consequences.

And do not compare him to others. Everyone matures in their own time. He may be gifted, but he is misusing his gift. Often times the gifted ones mature much slower and have social problems etc. As a mother of gifted children, I have been there.

I wish you good luck with this. There is nothing more heartbreaking for a mother than these types of problems with their children. His age is a difficult time. Hang in there, but remember, you are not a doormat!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-23-2010, 01:54 PM
 
3,269 posts, read 9,920,398 times
Reputation: 2025
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
I wholeheartedly agree. My parents always let us learn from our mistakes, and they were very good at being there to pick up the pieces when it mattered---when we learned our lessons! And we made mistakes over and over. And our parents were there when it mattered over and over. Stepping away and establishing healthy boundaries can be done without completely writing off a child.
Yes my parents too. I can remember, like it was yesterday, being 18 and crying when calling my Mom (after 6 months of terrible decision making on my part) asking if I could come home. Goodness only knows where I would be today if my parents had said no.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-23-2010, 04:00 PM
 
Location: I think my user name clarifies that.
8,292 posts, read 26,619,913 times
Reputation: 3925
If the OP doesn't cut him loose and make him suffer the consequences of his bad choices - while he can still recover - she'll be on here writing the same thing in 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years.

In my line of work I see it all the time. No boundaries and no consequences lead to horrible choices.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-23-2010, 06:32 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,839,661 times
Reputation: 30715
Quote:
Originally Posted by Omaha Rocks View Post
If the OP doesn't cut him loose and make him suffer the consequences of his bad choices - while he can still recover - she'll be on here writing the same thing in 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years.

In my line of work I see it all the time. No boundaries and no consequences lead to horrible choices.
I'm not sure who you are arguing with here. Every single one of us has said that the OP needs to let him go. That's what letting him learn from his mistakes means.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-23-2010, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,495,521 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth56 View Post
I wouldn't shut the door on your son, but I certainly would not tolerate the abuse. I would also not be baking for him, buying him gifts, or any other non-essential things.

I would set up some boundaries for home that are reasonable for a 17 year old. If he chooses to ignore them, then I would let him move in with his father if that is his wish. He is almost 18. You can not stop him then. But you can stop what is going on in your home.

I would let your son know if he needs a roof over his head, food to eat, medication, and above all, lots of love, the door is open. But the attitude is not welcome. His choice. Let him make his own bed.

I'm a big believer in tough love. Offer him a safe haven. If he does not abide by some basic ground rules for anyone living in your home, then I think you must protect the younger children and ask him to move. Again, his choice. These are all choices he is making, bad or good. He needs to be responsible for his own actions and their consequences.

And do not compare him to others. Everyone matures in their own time. He may be gifted, but he is misusing his gift. Often times the gifted ones mature much slower and have social problems etc. As a mother of gifted children, I have been there.

I wish you good luck with this. There is nothing more heartbreaking for a mother than these types of problems with their children. His age is a difficult time. Hang in there, but remember, you are not a doormat!
Did you miss the part about how the kid has been leaving to go live with his irresponsible dad since he was 14? THAT's what got this kid where he is today - why he was allowed to do that I'm still waiting for the OP to explain.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-23-2010, 07:58 PM
 
Location: N. CA
127 posts, read 311,569 times
Reputation: 194
"The therapists said it was no use." Do therapists really give up on people like that?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-23-2010, 08:01 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
546 posts, read 1,676,390 times
Reputation: 594
Quote:
Originally Posted by Omaha Rocks View Post
If the OP doesn't cut him loose and make him suffer the consequences of his bad choices - while he can still recover - she'll be on here writing the same thing in 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years.

In my line of work I see it all the time. No boundaries and no consequences lead to horrible choices.
There is a difference between cutting loose and setting up boundaries though and thats the line OP needs to figure out. I agree don't give up on your kid, but you also need to set boundaries and stop enabling him.

I have a child with severe ADHD and ODD. Even at a young age he is difficult and sometimes hurtful. But ODD is not something people and kids suffer willingly and you need to understand that if it is true your son has it, OP.
Still, there is no exception to allow what your son is doing to you. You can still love and not do so much.

If you know your son is drinking under age at his dads house, dont text him, call the police.

If your son needs money to pay for something, make him earn it or find a way. Don't pay for it unless it directly falls under the categories of immediate necessities (food, clothing, and not the super expensive kind too).

If he fails school, let him fail and learn the consequences of his failure. He can do summer school.

Don't give him money for extras.

But dont stop loving him and letting him know that. You dont have to fawn over him, but always try to finish a conversation with I love you. Cookies do not equate to love. But showing you love him by creating boundaries and sticking to your guns while telling him when you can will, in the long run.

My son can be cruel in the moment when his ADHD and ODD rears its head and he can not control his impulses, even at a young age. But I never let him get away with it, ever. And I explain why I never do. I am his mom. And I love him. But I am his mom, not someone he can talk to like that, and I will not tolerate it. And after he has calmed down and had time to realize where he went wrong, he always apologizes and hugs me, and thanks me. Because he knows that despite the fact he faces the negative consequences each and every time he acts out, it's because I love him, and I still will love him, even at his worst. Thats just what moms do.

GL!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-23-2010, 09:00 PM
 
73 posts, read 153,071 times
Reputation: 81
Wow, some amazing responses. Thank you all.

I don't want to come across like I am rejecting my son or cutting him out of my life forever. That is not what I meant.

What I mean to get across is that I have suffered the past 3+ years with fear, hurt, disappointment, anxiety, frustration, and all in repetitive cycles, ongoing due to no improvement or change in my son or his demeanor toward me. It has come down to right now, where I have gotten virtually 'nowhere' in my attempts for 3+yrs, to 'repair' our relationship.

Hence the continued attempts throughout the holidays, sharing his fave baked goodies, calling him and inviting him over for dinner, out for icecream, to the mall with the family to go Christmas shopping, all invites turned down or not responded to. Then, the nasty nasty text from him last week calling me the most sordid name.

Three years of tears,intermingled with here and there, almost begging, pleading for him to come home, get along with me, forgive me for what he's mad at me for, therapy to help our relationship, texting him "I love you always and no matter what...." type msgs randomly, things to that effect-have done nothing. No improvement whatsoever.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say, that the past 6 months he's been more distant than ever.

It's very discouraging. I know he's young and boys brains don't stop maturing in this area until 21ish so there's still always hope, but right now, I am quite discouraged.

I don't see any motivation in him that I should be seeing for someone who's almost an adult.....not really pushing for more practice to drive, has yet to hold a real PT job, his grandmother had to drag him to the bank to open an acct so he could learn how to use a debit card....things like that.

He's been screaming for years that he just wants to be free of parents and be on 'his own' and now that he's close to it, he seems ill-prepared.Again, that is on HIM. One day soon, I feel like he'll stop and think, 'hey I can't drive, I am 18 now, I have no car, no $ in the bank...what is going on? where has time gone?'...or maybe not.

It's taken me awhile but I have come around to the fact that I completely instilled the importance of an education into his brain....and now that his gpa is probably under a 2.0, so be it. I can't put a pencil in his hand and MAKE him do his h/work.

His future is in his hands now. I have done all that I can. It's taken me 3yrs to get to this point. He has to suffer the consequences of his actions. That is the only real way for him to learn. Me or anyone talking to him about 'doing the right thing' goes in one ear and out the other. I know he hears me in the back of his head when he needs to, how can I not be there when I raised him for 14+ years!

I think that is why right now, maybe I am feeling guilty for this new detachment I have come around to. It's a healthy detachment for me. I was on my way to an ulcer or breakdown if I didn't begin to let go like I have of recent. Looking back on the last 3yrs...and summing up how patient I have been with him, how forgiving I have been toward his meanness and the fact that here I am, Jan of 2010 and there has been NO improvement, I think it's time for me to step back. I need this and my family here needs this.

I do and will always unconditionally love my son! But, I don't have to LIKE him all of the time. If and when he is ready to come back here and/or resume our relationship in a positive direction, I will be ecstatic and with arms open! I have told him this many times over the past year. He knows this. He knows I adore him. I have even gone so far as to apologize to him for anything that I did as his mother over the years, to hurt him! Though he still chooses to rehash certain things.He just chooses to hold onto some negatives! He certainly did NOT inherit my very forgiving nature.

Thank you all for the responses, I appreciate each and every one of them. Oh, for the one who wanted to know why he was allowed to go to the dads. We were not ever married so custody is not established. At 14, he has/had the right to go and live with the other parent. Added to that, he threatened repeatedly that if we made him come back here, he'd run away again....and again. Added to that, the dad welcomed him with open arms, added to that, if it were to go to court, the judge would've, at his age of 14+, let my son choose where he wanted to live.....

p.s. you are all amazing.

Last edited by rebelson; 01-23-2010 at 09:08 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:16 AM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top