17yr old son, I love him but.... (teenagers, have to tell him, average)

[beachmel]

Originally Posted by Omaha Rocks

You've hit the nail squarely on the head.

I was NOT my teenage kids' friend! I was their DAD. They were NOT my peers. They were/are my children. Now that they're in their 20s, I'm now their friend (again).

Too many parents are trying too hard to be "besties" with their teenage children, but that's not what their children need.

I agree. But at the same time, I always tried to be a "friend" to my kids...a REAL friend, by being honest with them and always looking out for what was best for them. I never told them something just because it was what they wanted to hear, or held back because I was afraid that it WASN'T what they wanted to hear. LOL

Like you.... my kids love me so much. Not only that, but they respect and like me as well. My oldest still stays away quite a bit, but it's because he is so miserable about where he is at. We do talk though....and the funny thing is, Daddy was his hero when he was little, but Daddy was a little more interested in being his friend.....not wanting to hurt his feelings. Unfortunately, when DS comes over....it's to see Mom and talk to Mom, not to talk to Dad. He still feels let down that his dad didn't hold him accountable. It breaks my heart, but daddy is a better daddy to his other kids now.

[itlchick]

I would say ... be there for him if he wants you.

But remember, despite what some believe, it's not your fault he is the way he is. Especially if he has ODD. You did the best you could but sometimes kids just have problems.

[rebelson]

Originally Posted by steelstress

The mom always protecting the errant teen son is VERY common. It used to be that dad would MAN UP to his wife and TELL her that YOU will be handling the situation from now on because HER WAY isn't working. She's pussifying the kid. Time for you step in. So wife wants to fight, let her. Just tell her you'll STILL be handling it from now on. Then kick his azz out again. While he still has all the answers.

Man. Up.

I agree. Totally. 'filling out his applications while he sleeps/plays xbox? O-M-G. No way in h-ll. The slug has got it made. He'll never change in that scenario.

[rebelson]

Originally Posted by Mark bootcamp

Humm! Give me your opinion on my story, I sure understand yours. Tuff love is a hard one for most parnets to follow. I feel that any child should at some point realize that if he can take care of himself and he lives in your house there rules that must be followed.
My story is about the youngest of 3-boys. Over 2-years ago he left our house because he didn't like my rules. Of course being 16 you know everything and look out. So off to dads he went, didn't take long before he didn't like his rules or step mother either. You know" money for nothing and your chicks for free"! Well almost I guess 2- years later of bounceing from friends and anyone he could get to put up with his B.S. He gets in trouble with stealing and then in trouble for 3 other things he should know by now he shouldn't be doing! Chewing, drinking smoking cigars, you know being a man...so he thinks..?
He wants to move in with us again, first week was wonderful! After that ok... the vacation is over! He thought he ws going to move in and continue his behavior while living in our home. 4-words: sleep, eat, chew, xbox....4-weeks later arguing ever time you speak to him and challenges ever word you say, talks back, swears ever other word especially while playing x-box. Got into several heated arguements about what to do and what not to do. At going on 19 and out of school you need to realize its time to take care of yourself. Been looking for a job...his Mother takes the time to fill out the job apps. while he sleeps or plays xbox.
I have just plan told him keep up the attitude and you won't be driving my vehicle. So I just ignore him at best because its turns intoo an arguement either with him or his mother protecting him. He doesn't do much of anything around the house and if he does its done at the least amount of effort. I was raising old school and paid rent at 18/19 for living at home and owned my first home at 20. Its time to GROW UP! There is a man in there, just can't seem to find him thanks to my wife of 14yrs. Keep in mind he is her child. My question is what gives? Its putting an all ready bad situation into a worse situation for many reasons!
I would love read to ALL posts! Man of the house is falling......how do you find a job if you sleep until 3:00Pm and go to bed at 1:00/3:00am after 7 hrs of xbox...................................?? The answer seems simple...!

Mark
I sent you a private message response.

[syracusa]

Waow...

That's all that comes out after reading the OP.

[Beth56]

Originally Posted by syracusa

Waow...

That's all that comes out after reading the OP.

This is the second post in the Parenting forum of yours I have come across. Both being a little condescending to those who post. Why not share your own parenting expertise. What's the answer to the OP's problem?

[kygman]

Been there, done that. Just about the part about where he didn't want to be with you. My ex tried everything under the sun to get him to hate me. For the most part, it worked. But I didn't cut him off. I just sat back and talked to him whenever he called. Tried to be dad when he needed. Helped him a little bit financially when I could. Was talking to my ex MIL once about it. She said just to keep on what I'm doing. it may take him a little while but he'll look back and see I wasn't as bad as he thought I was. It's getting better between us but not quite as close as I'd like to be. I'm not worried. I still love him as much as the day he was born and I'll always be here for him. I'm not saying jump every time he says jump, but if something comes up, offer to help. Even if he says no to your help, he will look back sometime and see how much you were willing to help even with the way he treated you.

Good luck!

[rebelson]

Some pretty awesome responses here. Thank you all!

Well, so I have NOT been texting him or calling him for like the past 3wks.
It kind of hit me after Christmas when he was so mean in that text to me....I guess the little kindnesses I did for him over the holiday and then
"WHAM"!!! He slapped me down and walked away so to speak.

I guess I had an epiphany that day.

About 2wks ago now, I did have a phone interaction with him. He called me from the school office with a problem. He had gotten his cell phone taken away AGAIN. He knows you cannot be caught touching your cell phone by the teacher or it gets absconded.

Being that he's had SO many offenses with this very same issue, this time the school secretary called me and said that she had his phone, it was taken away by one of his teachers and due to the fact that he's had SO many offenses, now the next step was that I or his other parent would have to COME IN and retrieve the phone FOR HIM.

I told her something like..."well, I am sorry but I can't help with that today, he'll have to call his dad"

About 10 min later, son calls me. He was cordial and nice of course, remember...he NEEDS my help here. He NEEDS something from me.

Here's basically how it went after the 'hellos':

son: I need you to do me a favor, they took my phone away, it fell out of my pocket in class and the teacher took it. I am not in trouble or anything but I just need you to come to the school office at 12:50 today, cuz that's when I get out...and get my phone for me.

me: Um, I am sorry _______, but I can't do that right now for you.

son: What do you mean? Why not?

me: Um, I just can't help you out today with that. You will have to call your father.

son: But my dad doesn't have a car.....

me: I don't know what to tell you, you'll have to figure something else out, or call your dad. I have to go now.

AND I HUNG UP THE PHONE! He ended up redialing my number over and over like 5 times before giving up.

I felt uneasy and like I was being mean but that is expected as I was not letting myself fall for his 'using of me'.

I felt like he needed to learn a lesson! If I rescued him by picking it up, he's not learning a thing, except that 'mommy' will save the day! He knows to not touch his phone in class! With his lying history, I assumed he was lying about it 'falling out of his pocket'....that's a pretty common excuse.

I, to this day, have not spoken with him since. Nor have I texted him. (other than to say hooray!! when the Saints made the playoffs)
My silence is not normal for me...and I am sure he notices it. He may very well be angry at me too, for not 'rescuing' him! But, oh well.

Tough love. S*cks.

[steelstress]

Sucks? Are you kidding? You just gave yourself the upper hand. Enjoy it.

He's silent now because he's dumbfounded. He wasn't able to walk all over you. To him, he thinks you gave him the finger. And that's a good thing. He may just learn a little bit of respect now.

[DubbleT]

Stick to your guns!
Could get worse before it gets better though, but you're on the right track. Go mom!