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Should I let my 20 year old son go on our family vacation or not? I have a 20 year old son who lives with my ex-husband. He pays no rent, he has unlimited free access to a vehicle, and he has a cell phone that he does not pay for. He was working full-time at a Ford dealership until this past Saturday. His normal working hours are M-F 2:30 - 6:30 p.m. (20 hrs. per week). I found out, by calling the dealership, that he had been fired for showing up 1.50 minutes late. This tells me that he had been late on other occassions. I called him to find out what was going on and I did not let him know right away that I knew about his termination. He volunteeringly let me know that he was at work and had his hands full of grease and could not get to the phone the first time I called him. After him lying to me by telling me he was at work and still had a job...I finally told him that I talked directly to someone at the dealership and they informed me of the situation....he went silent. He had not told my ex-husband that he was fired and didn't plan on telling anyone about it until we returned from vacation. My plans at this point, although it pains me....I am prepared to tell him that I am not going to reward this behavior and he will not be going with us on vacation. I'm very hurt, upset and dissapointed that he could lie to me to me and be so irresponsible. As a parent, feel that if he does go on vacation with us, I will be rewarding the unacceptable behavior. We leave on Saturday, I just found out about his termination yestereday. He has two sibblings 9 and 13 years old who are very excited about the trip. Please let me know your thoughts...quick!
You called his employer? REALLY? It's time to cut the apron strings mom. He's 20. His job status is none of your business. I find it appalling that an adult would call another adult's employer to check up on him.
I don't think you should tie vacation to his employment status. I am sure he had his own reasons for wanting to keep the fact that he was fired from you. He probably did not want to ruin your vacation.
You are under no obligation to take an adult child with you on vacation. But PLEASE stop treating him like he's 10 and checking up on him at work and punishing him him as if you were still raising him. He's an adult now. If you don't want to take him don't. If you want to take him, take him as your gift to him. But this idea that you should still be doling out treat and taking them away according to his behavior should have been over quite a few years ago.
While I agree that he should have more responsibility at age 20 than working 20 hrs a week at a part time job, I also think you overstepped your boundaries by calling the dealership. If he doesn't live with you I don't see how you have any say in what he does or does not pay for or what he does with his life. If you were planning on taking him before I don't see why this would change anything.
He doesn't seem to have any expenses. What did he do with his money? Since he's an adult who has had a job and no financial responsibilities, I would tell him that if he wanted to go on the trip, he has to cough up at least 3/4 of his expenses for it.
He's been freeloading and your ex has been keeping him from growing up by allowing it.
Put your foot down.
You are absolutley correct! I reminded my ex-husband on several occassions that he is not really helping him by not charging him rent. I want him to be a responsible adult...and by rewarding this behavior, I feel that I'm sending a message that it is okay to be late to work and it's okay to lie to me about this job and other stuff going on in his life. I want him to be a responsible adult, not a lying unemployed one. Vacations are not cheap and I feel that I would be rewarding his irresponsible behavior.
While I agree that he should have more responsibility at age 20 than working 20 hrs a week at a part time job, I also think you overstepped your boundaries by calling the dealership. If he doesn't live with you I don't see how you have any say in what he does or does not pay for or what he does with his life. If you were planning on taking him before I don't see why this would change anything.
This would change because I feel that I would be rewarding his irresponsible behavior. I pay for his cell phone, help him out at Christmas ($$), his birthday (nice dinner & $$) and take him on vacations. If I didn't care about his future and about him being a responsible adult...it would be okay for him to freeload and continue to make bad decisions.
Isn't it time to STOP treating him like a child and rewarding/punishing?
That's what I think many people are missing here. She can't have it both ways. She can't expect him to be an adult when she rewards and punishes him like he's a child.
Notice how she has responded to every post in this thread except those that have taken her to task for calling his employer? She doesn't think she did anything wrong!
I too have a 20 year old son and have gone thru this EXACT situation. I left him at home. As harsh as this sounds sometimes they need to rough-it a little before they see the need to grow up. When everything is paid for you son and he has no responsiblities he has little "reason" to get off his rear and work to earn things. We have 6 kids from 24 down to 6, and a simple rule.. when you turn 18, you can continue to live for free rent and food only if you go FULLTIME to school, but you still need to get a job for your car ins, clothing and essentials OR you can work full time and pay rent. Either way... house rules apply. My son actually thanked me for making him grow up as he said if I hadnt pushed him he would still be playing video games and working 15 hours a week... Hope this helps
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I agree that it is pretty creepy for a mom to be phoning an employer - and frankly an employer to be answering. It would never have even occurred to me to phone my kids' employers - even when they were minors.