What do I do when my 15 yr old daughter hates her 9 yr old brother? (sitter, ideas)
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My daughter is 15 yrs old and tells her 9 yr old brother that she hates him, she wishes he was never born, tells him that things were fine before he was born, hits, slaps and chokes him because he was making a noise she didn't like or just irritating her. This has been going on since he was about 6 mo old. Everyone says it's just sibling rivalry but it's more than that. She is very disrespectful to me (her mother) but she is respectful to her father. She is on the varsity basketball team, varsity softball team, she plays for a summer softball league and I pick her up from practices, drive her wherever she needs to go, I am vice pres of her school's booster club, I dropped down to part-time at work so I would have more time to do things for my kids, I travel to watch her play ball, I am at almost every game she has, always bringing her little brother with me to another one of her events. But she says I do everything for him and nothing for her. I want her to be involved in sports because it's good for her to be a part of something and she loves it, but at what cost to her little brother and me? It is my job as a mother to protect him also and make sure he is safe and happy. I'm out of ideas...
Sounds like she needs a good therapist, and some more discipline. She's physically hurt her brother? That is beyond belief. What was your reaction to it; what punishment has she received? Her brother must be terrified of her.
I remember my mother shoving me away from her and hugging my sister instead. I remember my mom hitting me with frying pans and shoes and then kissing my sister in the next minute. I remember my mom pleading with me to never tell anyone she hit me. She told me many times she valued my sister more.
You may not be this extreme but kids pick up on it. Especially when she is the eldest and he is the younger. I have not hit my sister ever (out of anger at least, hah) but do resent her to a point. Even to this day.
My daughter is 15 yrs old and tells her 9 yr old brother that she hates him, she wishes he was never born, tells him that things were fine before he was born, hits, slaps and chokes him because he was making a noise she didn't like or just irritating her. This has been going on since he was about 6 mo old. Everyone says it's just sibling rivalry but it's more than that. She is very disrespectful to me (her mother) but she is respectful to her father. She is on the varsity basketball team, varsity softball team, she plays for a summer softball league and I pick her up from practices, drive her wherever she needs to go, I am vice pres of her school's booster club, I dropped down to part-time at work so I would have more time to do things for my kids, I travel to watch her play ball, I am at almost every game she has, always bringing her little brother with me to another one of her events. But she says I do everything for him and nothing for her. I want her to be involved in sports because it's good for her to be a part of something and she loves it, but at what cost to her little brother and me? It is my job as a mother to protect him also and make sure he is safe and happy. I'm out of ideas...
What have you been doing for the last 15 years?? Maybe you were too busy driving to ball games and forgot to be a PARENT.
It seems like you and your DH are very weak parents and this kid has gotten away with a lot, for a long time. You lost control a long time ago.
This isn't the kind of thing you fix on a message forum....go get the family in some counseling. And for goodness sake, you owe your son a huge apology for allowing your daughter to attack him over the years. You'll be lucky if he doesn't resent you as well as your bully daughter.
What have you been doing for the last 15 years?? Maybe you were too busy driving to ball games and forgot to be a PARENT.
It seems like you and your DH are very weak parents and this kid has gotten away with a lot, for a long time. You lost control a long time ago.
This isn't the kind of thing you fix on a message forum....go get the family in some counseling. And for goodness sake, you owe your son a huge apology for allowing your daughter to attack him over the years. You'll be lucky if he doesn't resent you as well as your bully daughter.
I agree with most of the previous posters here. What are the consequences for her hitting her brother? She's been doing this for 9 years!? Where is your husband in all of this? What does HE do when she hits him, again, what do YOU do? Clearly, whatever consequences you've been laying down, are not working. This young lady needs to understand that hitting her brother is called ASSAULT!
Does the brother do things to purposefully annoy his sister? If so, are you putting a stop to that as well? I have 4 kids....believe me, I know how annoying and bratty the younger ones can be to the older ones, but physical violence is NOT the answer. You two better figure out how to put a stop to this nonsense or I'll tell ya, you're looking at a young woman who is going to hit her "guys" later on and is liable to end up in the emergency room later one. You're likely to end up with a son who snaps and hits his "lady friends" later, due to this female physical violence that he's having inflicted on him. However, there COULD be little annoying things that your son is also doing to drive her crazy. We have always been very watchful with our kids. Sometimes the older ones are simply being too controlling and the hormones make them "nitpicky", but sometimes they younger ones get off on annoying the crap out of the older ones, "because they'll (older) will get in trouble if they hit them". Good luck, parenting is no easy task, especially when you've got that big of an age gap between your kids.
Our kids, who are within 3 years of each other, get along pretty darn good. Unfortunately, the ones you were 6 years apart.....not so much! Pick, pick, pick!!!
Let me tell you what I have seen, just living life... and I have seen this over and over and don't understand how people don't see what they are doing..I have seen this in my own family and others..
(Going to use your kids and ages as the example....ok? I can relate to your story)
Child # 1 is born, the first! How exciting! I am a Mommie now and isn't my baby perfect and cute! You make this baby the center of your world for 6 years, right there to do everything for her, wait on her hand and foot, take her everywhere to show her off. Spend your days entertaining the child, she is the center of your universe..
Child #2, Suddenly you have another baby and bring it home and this one becomes the center of your universe, showering this new little bundle with all your attention. Child # 1 is suddenly shoved in the background and you no longer have time for her becoming short tempered with her and not catering to every whim and wish she has anymore.. (and just when she needs it the most) Leaving her to wonder what happened! For the last 6 years, SHE has been the center of your world, then overnight, she is no longer important, you don't have time, you are short tempered with her when she has done nothing wrong but seeking time and attention from you.
Didn't take her long to figure out this new little bundle has stolen you away from her and no matter what she does, she can not win that spot back. No wonder she hates him! At this time, she probably don't even realize anymore WHY she hates him but the pattern of hate has been built so that is what she does.
Children do not come with a manual. Adding a second child into a house changes everything and your time HAS to be divided but divided equally between the children, giving each one their one on one time and attention and no one should be shoved in the background.
Being mean to her brother since he was 6 month is what leads me to believe this scenario is what happened. Just think about it.... is this what happened? Step back and look at it through your 6 year old daughters eyes.
I suggest it is time for the law to be laid down to her that mistreating her brother HAS to stop and what you really need is some one on one time with her. Go to the movies, go to the mall, go out to lunch or have Dad take the boy out and you and her go in the kitchen and bake something. She needs attention from you, without her brother around... and why not let Dad keep the son while you go to her events (or leave him at a sitters? While you are going to those events, Little BROTHER is still in the picture... she needs and wants one on one time that is NOT shared!
No need to respond to this post, I just want you to THINK about it with a open mind and see it through a 6 year olds eyes. You have to remember, she was a baby herself then and kids see things different than adults do.
Let me tell you what I have seen, just living life... and I have seen this over and over and don't understand how people don't see what they are doing..I have seen this in my own family and others..
(Going to use your kids and ages as the example....ok? I can relate to your story)
Child # 1 is born, the first! How exciting! I am a Mommie now and isn't my baby perfect and cute! You make this baby the center of your world for 6 years, right there to do everything for her, wait on her hand and foot, take her everywhere to show her off. Spend your days entertaining the child, she is the center of your universe..
Child #2, Suddenly you have another baby and bring it home and this one becomes the center of your universe, showering this new little bundle with all your attention. Child # 1 is suddenly shoved in the background and you no longer have time for her becoming short tempered with her and not catering to every whim and wish she has anymore.. (and just when she needs it the most) Leaving her to wonder what happened! For the last 6 years, SHE has been the center of your world, then overnight, she is no longer important, you don't have time, you are short tempered with her when she has done nothing wrong but seeking time and attention from you.
Didn't take her long to figure out this new little bundle has stolen you away from her and no matter what she does, she can not win that spot back. No wonder she hates him! At this time, she probably don't even realize anymore WHY she hates him but the pattern of hate has been built so that is what she does.
Children do not come with a manual. Adding a second child into a house changes everything and your time HAS to be divided but divided equally between the children, giving each one their one on one time and attention and no one should be shoved in the background.
Being mean to her brother since he was 6 month is what leads me to believe this scenario is what happened. Just think about it.... is this what happened? Step back and look at it through your 6 year old daughters eyes.
I suggest it is time for the law to be laid down to her that mistreating her brother HAS to stop and what you really need is some one on one time with her. Go to the movies, go to the mall, go out to lunch or have Dad take the boy out and you and her go in the kitchen and bake something. She needs attention from you, without her brother around... and why not let Dad keep the son while you go to her events (or leave him at a sitters? While you are going to those events, Little BROTHER is still in the picture... she needs and wants one on one time that is NOT shared!
No need to respond to this post, I just want you to THINK about it with a open mind and see it through a 6 year olds eyes. You have to remember, she was a baby herself then and kids see things different than adults do.
I hope the OP comes back and reads this post...it's so true! We didn't experience it so much with #1 and #2, because we handled it just like you explained. We split the kids very often..hubby would have one, I'd have the other.....everyone got plenty of attention. The drama started when #3 was born. #1 son started feeling left out, and that feeling never went away....then #4 showed up and that made it even worse for him, especially since #s 3 and 4 were also boys. He forgot though that once he started sports, mommy had to stay home with the little ones while he got daddy's sole attention. Although we have a good relationship now, we did get into it a few times when he was a teenager, about his "perception" of how mom never wanted to go to his games. What he didn't realize is that I had 3 little ones to take care of. Nothing is better than taking 3 little ones to a football game in the cold drizzle, running around trying to keep them from falling through bleachers....and it's not easy to keep toddlers sitting down for lengthy periods of time.
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