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Have you actually had a conversation with HER yet? That really needs to be your first move....
Yes. She denies everything. She says it's just rumors spread by people who hate her. Only problem is, that doesn't describe the two people who told me that SHE told them.
I'm kind of stuck as long as she's denying everything. My gut says she's lying.
I think that is a GREAT idea. What about a volunteer position? You said she wants to become a vet. Any vets in the area who might want the help?
Not that I could get her to. Transportation would be an issue. Also going every day would be an issue. A mother's helper is, usually, only a couple of hours a day. Now to find that stay at home mom who wants the job of watching my 14 year old . I'm thinking church will be a good place to start asking. There used to be a mom's club at the church. I think I'll start with the mom who used to run it. She might know someone willing to do this and if the location is right, I might be able to put her on the school bus to go there.
You know, OP, your focus is on supervision, when it needs to be on other things first.
Have you spoken directly to your daughter about it so that you get clarification?
Has she even had intercourse, or was it some other type sex? Did they use protection? Has she had sex more than once? How long ago did she have sex?
Have you taken her to the doctor to find out if she's already pregnant or has an STD? A yes to either of those will decide what direction needs to be taken.
If she has indeed had sex or is thinking about it, then the focus truly needs to be on educating your daughter because without that everything else becomes static noise in the background.
She needs to learn how her body works, the cause and effect of her actions, how emotions factor into it all, how hormones affect her desires, how differently males and females view love and sex, how every decision she makes can impact her future and so on.
A thorough understanding of those things will help her to stop and think before she acts and if she makes the choice to go on and have sex, then at the very least she'll be armed and protected. Perhaps the knowledge will help her to make a different choice in the future.
Even very close supervision won't prevent her from finding time and the way to do so, whether with this particular guy or a different one.
Oh, and, regarding school and college, there are far more girls that graduate high school and attend college after having babies than not these days. Don't put that out there as a given sacrifice should she be or become pregnant.
You know, OP, your focus is on supervision, when it needs to be on other things first.
Have you spoken directly to your daughter about it so that you get clarification?
Has she even had intercourse, or was it some other type sex? Did they use protection? Has she had sex more than once? How long ago did she have sex?
Have you taken her to the doctor to find out if she's already pregnant or has an STD? A yes to either of those will decide what direction needs to be taken.
If she has indeed had sex or is thinking about it, then the focus truly needs to be on educating your daughter because without that everything else becomes static noise in the background.
She needs to learn how her body works, the cause and effect of her actions, how emotions factor into it all, how hormones affect her desires, how differently males and females view love and sex, how every decision she makes can impact her future and so on.
A thorough understanding of those things will help her to stop and think before she acts and if she makes the choice to go on and have sex, then at the very least she'll be armed and protected. Perhaps the knowledge will help her to make a different choice in the future.
Even very close supervision won't prevent her from finding time and the way to do so, whether with this particular guy or a different one.
Oh, and, regarding school and college, there are far more girls that graduate high school and attend college after having babies than not these days. Don't put that out there as a given sacrifice should she be or become pregnant.
I'm a high school teacher and have several friends who are high school teachers. I've yet to see one pregnant teen get a GED let alone a college degree. I have friends who have seen them graduate or get GED's but not go to college. It's hard enough to get through college with tuition these days. With day care expenses and supporting a baby while you're in school and working to support yourself and the baby it would be nearly impossible. I'd have to ask who's actually raising the baby if mom is working and going to school. I suppose you could do it with a stay at home dad. That is allowed these days.
I once took two classes on top of working full time with young children at home. I didn't do that twice. I limited myself to one class a term after that so it took six years to get my masters degree. I can't imagine taking even 8 credits a term while working with a baby and a girl would have to work to support herself and her baby and pay her tuition. At 8 credits per term, you're talking 8 years to get a bachelors degree. Fortunately, bachelor's level credits never go stale.
If you had read my posts, you'd know I've talked to her and she denies everything but I'm sure she's lying. The girls who came to me would not lie about this. They came to me out of concern for my daugther. They claim she told them so it's not rumor though there are rumors flying around the school.
I think the question regarding speaking to your DD is have you spoken to her recently. I understood you have spoken to her at some point but how long ago was this? Perhaps you need to speak with her about things "in general" rather than a "did you or didn't you" situation....I'm guessing that's what hypocore might mean as that is what I was referring to....a conversation that doesn't get stuck once she denies it...accept the answer and move onto the "well, in the event you are considering it" kind of way. Having the conversation is more important than confirmation.
Yes. She denies everything. She says it's just rumors spread by people who hate her. Only problem is, that doesn't describe the two people who told me that SHE told them.
I'm kind of stuck as long as she's denying everything. My gut says she's lying.
Go with your gut. Confirm your feelings or confirm her story through the OB-GYN exam. Get your uncontrollable daughter on birth control and make sure she gets a good education about STD's and how to prevent them as well as all the risks that accompany having sex at a young age. And, get her out of the relationship with the "controlling" boy. Make him, his house, his family "off-limits".
From the other things you have written I am more concerned for your daughter's personal safety than I am about her getting pregnant. Too many parents think it can never happen to their daughter: becoming the victim of an abusive/controlling boyfriend. Your job is to keep her safe and keep her alive until she is old enough to leave your home and provide for herself. Her wants until that time are comparatively trivial.
I'm a high school teacher and have several friends who are high school teachers. I've yet to see one pregnant teen get a GED let alone a college degree. I have friends who have seen them graduate or get GED's but not go to college. It's hard enough to get through college with tuition these days. With day care expenses and supporting a baby while you're in school and working to support yourself and the baby it would be nearly impossible. I'd have to ask who's actually raising the baby if mom is working and going to school. I suppose you could do it with a stay at home dad. That is allowed these days.
I once took two classes on top of working full time with young children at home. I didn't do that twice. I limited myself to one class a term after that so it took six years to get my masters degree. I can't imagine taking even 8 credits a term while working with a baby and a girl would have to work to support herself and her baby and pay her tuition. At 8 credits per term, you're talking 8 years to get a bachelors degree. Fortunately, bachelor's level credits never go stale.
If you had read my posts, you'd know I've talked to her and she denies everything but I'm sure she's lying. The girls who came to me would not lie about this. They came to me out of concern for my daugther. They claim she told them so it's not rumor though there are rumors flying around the school.
My second daughter teaches high school as well. Last year she had two different girls in her classes that were pregnant. One junior and one senior. Both were back in her class within 3 weeks of delivering their babies. The senior went on to graduate and to college, the junior is a senior this year.
It can and does happen.
Your post on talking to her and her denying it was posted right at the same time I posted mine.
I think the question regarding speaking to your DD is have you spoken to her recently. I understood you have spoken to her at some point but how long ago was this? Perhaps you need to speak with her about things "in general" rather than a "did you or didn't you" situation....I'm guessing that's what hypocore might mean as that is what I was referring to....a conversation that doesn't get stuck once she denies it...accept the answer and move onto the "well, in the event you are considering it" kind of way. Having the conversation is more important than confirmation.
That's what I've done. Since she denies having had sex and claims the rumors about her are untrue, we talk in general about reputation, how a pregnancy can ruin your life, STD's etc, etc, etc... She seems to take it to heart but I thought she was taking it to heart before. We've talked about sex from a very young age.
I'm hoping she'll talk to a counselor or one of her cousins. I put a call into one of her cousins she looks up to. She's just finishing her PhD. I'm hoping she can help get her onto the right path. She has three female cousins getting PhD's to look up to. One who swore off boys at 12 because she just didn't have time for them and still isn't dating even though she's starting her masters program. She says she has plenty of time for that after she's done with school. My daughter needs to spend a couple of weeks with her cousins this summer. It boggles my mind that my daughter has so many positive female role models yet she chooses this path. She has an educated mom, two aunts who are regional CEO's and three female cousins in various stages of getting PhD's.
Statistically speaking girls with educated mothers are supposed to delay having sex. Figures mine would defy the odds. Now for some serious damage control. The doctor, the couselor, her cousins and, hopefully, a job as a mother's helper after school.
Actually, I don't think I'm overreacting at all. I played "wedding" and "house" when I was younger too. I don't believe for one minute that this boy has "hormonal" feelings for my daughter...I don't think hormones play any part in it. What concerns me is when parents and older siblings start turning "oh isn't that cute" into something more that the kids don't even feel yet. Do they know about kissing? Of course. Would they WANT to kiss a girl or boy? Probably not beyond curiosity because it's not about hormones yet. Will they kiss my daughter if their older brother/sister is home and they tell them to kiss? Yes, of course. THAT'S my concern. Plenty of games are innocent for kids until someone suggests that things stop being innocent. If this little boy had a little brother, that would be different. He's got a 17 and a 16 year old sister/brother and that's why my daughter isn't allowed to go over for a play date.
So they are a family of perverts? Or are you speculating. Because there is an older brother and sister, doesn't mean they are going to encourage deviant behavior of their little brother. Sheesh, you've got problems if you are so suspicious.
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. I'm thinking church will be a good place to start asking. There used to be a mom's club at the church. I think I'll start with the mom who used to run it. She might know someone willing to do this and if the location is right, I might be able to put her on the school bus to go there.