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I'm hoping she'll talk to a counselor or one of her cousins. I put a call into one of her cousins she looks up to. She's just finishing her PhD. I'm hoping she can help get her onto the right path. She has three female cousins getting PhD's to look up to. One who swore off boys at 12 because she just didn't have time for them and still isn't dating even though she's starting her masters program. She says she has plenty of time for that after she's done with school. My daughter needs to spend a couple of weeks with her cousins this summer. It boggles my mind that my daughter has so many positive female role models yet she chooses this path. She has an educated mom, two aunts who are regional CEO's and three female cousins in various stages of getting PhD's.
Statistically speaking girls with educated mothers are supposed to delay having sex. Figures mine would defy the odds. Now for some serious damage control. The doctor, the couselor, her cousins and, hopefully, a job as a mother's helper after school.
Ok, being an educated woman you should be able to understand why some of us are having problems with this. You changed the boy's age throughout this thread although it's only a few days old, the boy went from 15 to 16 and nearly two years(?) older when at first it was just about a year.
Now you are saying she has three cousins who are in 'various stages' of acquiring their PhDs. Do doctorate programs go in stages? Last I knew they are two year programs. You mention one of those cousins is BEGINNING her masters. That is NOT a stage of a PhD. It's a seperate degree altogether. Is one, perhaps in a bachelor program?
Has it occurred to you that perhaps your daughter is acting out because she feels inadequate? You have a 14 year old who may feel overwhelmed by all the 'educated women' around her and believes that she doesn't have what it takes to keep up. An insecurity that's very natural in someone her age.
How much do you stress education? She should know that she could go to a community college and not even leave home for a while. She should know there are a lot of things she can do to gain experience before she goes to a university.
Ok, being an educated woman you should be able to understand why some of us are having problems with this. You changed the boy's age throughout this thread although it's only a few days old, the boy went from 15 to 16 and nearly two years(?) older when at first it was just about a year.
Now you are saying she has three cousins who are in 'various stages' of acquiring their PhDs. Do doctorate programs go in stages? Last I knew they are two year programs. You mention one of those cousins is BEGINNING her masters. That is NOT a stage of a PhD. It's a seperate degree altogether. Is one, perhaps in a bachelor program?
Has it occurred to you that perhaps your daughter is acting out because she feels inadequate? You have a 14 year old who may feel overwhelmed by all the 'educated women' around her and believes that she doesn't have what it takes to keep up. An insecurity that's very natural in someone her age.
How much do you stress education? She should know that she could go to a community college and not even leave home for a while. She should know there are a lot of things she can do to gain experience before she goes to a university.
How about sticking to the issue? I've explained that this realtionship started when the boy was 15 and that may be when they first had sex. He's 16 now. Birthday's happen. That's not the issue. His age only matters in that there isn't enough of a difference between his age and hers to call the police in for help.
Um, yes, doctorate programs go in stages. Last time I looked, for most, you got a bachelors degree then a masters and then a PhD. I was just finishing my masters and getting ready for my qualifiers when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. She has one cousin finishing her PhD (she's interviewing for internships now) and two others who are finishing up lower degrees but are going on for PhD's. It's pretty customary to get multiple degrees on the way to a PhD. My doctor has a bachelors in engineering.
I don't think she feels inadequate because she's surrounded by educated women. She is very excited about becomming a vet. Her only concerns seem to center around affording school because she wants to go for both small and large animal which will take longer and she knows we haven't saved much for college. She'll go if I have to work three jobs to pay for it. Education is a given in this family for women and we don't seem to struggle with it beyond picking a major.
She wants to go directly to a four year univeristy and live on campus. We have talked to her about a community college because it will reduce the cost of her education but she has her heart set on living in the dorms her freshman year. She's disappointed right now because she didn't have a 3.4 this term. She is stressing about not getting into the college of her choice because of it. Fortunately, she just needs to pull 3.5's from here on out to graduate with a 3.4 and she can do that. She just had a rough start to high school with all the rumors flying around about her. She's not happy with school right now. I think she'd just as soon high school was over.
Do doctorate programs go in stages? Last I knew they are two year programs.
Doctorates are usually 60 credits give or take depending on the major with some majors taking up to 6 years because of dissertations. I think she means by stages is that one just started the PhD program, another is almost done and just needs the dissertation.
Whatever option is used has to involve someone being there to go get her if she doesn't report home right after school. That rules out something like a house keeper or asking a neighbor to report on whether or not she has someone over. The housekeeper or neighbor aren't going to go retrieve her. They're just going to let me know she didn't come home. I can do that by tracking her cell phone.
Wanna bet? I know many people who have housekeepers who monitor, transport and retrieve children. You can EASILY find someone who makes picking her up from school part of her daily duties.
Quote:
Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper
I don't think hiring someone to come into my home will work because it's not what's going on in my home that is the issue. To my knowledge, she isn't bringing him here when we are not home. Often, she isn't home yet when her little sister gets home 40 minutes after she should have gotten home. How is a housekeeper going to help when it's not an issue of her bringing the boy into our house? I'd need someone who can go find her and drag her home. Someone to pick her up at school and take her home. That, pretty much, leaves me or a body guard. I guess not going to college is a small price to pay for not being a teen mom.
You're being closed minded. A housekeeper can do all of those things.
Perhaps it will help you to not think of her as a housekeeper, but an after school nanny who happens to do a few housekeeping chores.
Quote:
Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper
The problem is, there aren't baby sitters for 14 year olds. Latch key programs end at 12 around here. Without someone to make sure she gets home and stays there, there's no sense in hiring anyone. I'd need to hire someone to go get her from school, bring her home and keep her here. I'm not sure what that job description would be but it's not house keeper.
That's not true. I know many professionals---usually doctors---who have people at home to watch their 14 years, drive them to/from activities, supervise them, etc. You really need to start thinking outside the box. And, yes, they are housekeepers because at that age few people pay someone to JUST be there for the kids. It's a duel after school nanny/housekeeper role.
Um, yes, doctorate programs go in stages. Last time I looked, for most, you got a bachelors degree then a masters and then a PhD. I was just finishing my masters and getting ready for my qualifiers when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. She has one cousin finishing her PhD (she's interviewing for internships now) and two others who are finishing up lower degrees but are going on for PhD's. It's pretty customary to get multiple degrees on the way to a PhD. My doctor has a bachelors in engineering.
Um, you make it sound like they are all in PhD programs. They're not. You exaggerate, and that was my point.
Since money is an issue and she has high plans, maybe a part time job would be a good way to keep her busy. It would give her more ownership of her college years if she was to participate in financing them.
Doctorates are usually 60 credits give or take depending on the major with some majors taking up to 6 years because of dissertations. I think she means by stages is that one just started the PhD program, another is almost done and just needs the dissertation.
No, she means one is in a bachelor program, and one is starting a masters.
I've known many, many people who have done two year PhDs.
I still think that finding a volunteer position in a vet's office would be an excellent option. Perhaps you could find a female college student who would be willing to transport your daughter to a volunteer job.
How about sticking to the issue? I've explained that this realtionship started when the boy was 15 and that may be when they first had sex. He's 16 now. Birthday's happen. That's not the issue. His age only matters in that there isn't enough of a difference between his age and hers to call the police in for help.
Um, yes, doctorate programs go in stages. Last time I looked, for most, you got a bachelors degree then a masters and then a PhD. I was just finishing my masters and getting ready for my qualifiers when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. She has one cousin finishing her PhD (she's interviewing for internships now) and two others who are finishing up lower degrees but are going on for PhD's. It's pretty customary to get multiple degrees on the way to a PhD. My doctor has a bachelors in engineering.
I don't think she feels inadequate because she's surrounded by educated women. She is very excited about becomming a vet. Her only concerns seem to center around affording school because she wants to go for both small and large animal which will take longer and she knows we haven't saved much for college. She'll go if I have to work three jobs to pay for it. Education is a given in this family for women and we don't seem to struggle with it beyond picking a major.
She wants to go directly to a four year univeristy and live on campus. We have talked to her about a community college because it will reduce the cost of her education but she has her heart set on living in the dorms her freshman year. She's disappointed right now because she didn't have a 3.4 this term. She is stressing about not getting into the college of her choice because of it. Fortunately, she just needs to pull 3.5's from here on out to graduate with a 3.4 and she can do that. She just had a rough start to high school with all the rumors flying around about her. She's not happy with school right now. I think she'd just as soon high school was over.
First off I want to say that I'm glad to hear that your daughter has so many positive female role models in her life. However my question is, how many positive male role models does she have? I'm still stuck on the fact that you haven't said much about her father other than he won't let you move her to your school district where she can come and hang out after school with you when she gets out of school. What is his take in all of this? Is he in the picture? Do you two work together in raising your kids? What exactly is his role?
I strongly suspect that something is lacking in the area of a positive male role model. It is important for children to have both a positive male and female role model in their lives. Generally girls base who they choose for a boyfriend and someday spouse on the type of father they have and boys base who they choose for a girlfriend and someday spouse on the type of mother they have.
If there is something lacking in the area of a positive male role model, then counseling for your daughter and even yourself needs to be sought as well as finding a positive male role model for your daughter.
There is a book I was given by a counselor and it's called Always Daddy's Girl. It describes the importance a dad has in a daughter's life and how his interractions or lack thereof affects her life and her life choices.
All the positive females in her life are not going to mean a whole lot if she is lacking a positive male role model. Girl's need the affirmation from their daddys that they are great, smart, pretty, sweet, loving, ....etc. They need that support from their dad as much if not more than their mother.
THAT'S what I'm trying to say...a girl who is 14 isn't knowledgeable enough to understand how to achieve sexual pleasure. If she is having sex at 14, it is for something else, most likely to feel "loved", to keep her boyfriend's interest, to gain acceptance of her so-called friends, etc. I'm sure all of us here have had some less-than-pleasant sexual encounters...perhaps when our bodies weren't fully ready or it was over before we knew it.
A young girl isn't deriving much pleasure from the act (it doesn't feel great to have sex in the bathroom in between 1st and 2nd periods...there is no way her body is ready) so my point for the OP was to ask her daughter frankly why she is doing it? How does she feel about herself now that she's not a virgin? What did she feel like afterwards? The cat's out of the bag...the OP needs to start playing hard ball and having very frank, candid and explicit conversations with her daughter.
Well, definitely! This is when the honest heart to heart conversations come in!
Oh man, as far as I understand the OP doesn't even know for 100% if the daughter is having sex.
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