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Old 02-05-2010, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
677 posts, read 1,535,817 times
Reputation: 1129

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
Be VERY careful saying something like you no longer trust her. It would be better telling her how disappointed you are that she didn't talk to you about her sexual activity, or her having sex is very disappointing.

No longer trusting your child could be detrimental to your relationship with her, and to her self worth. I have heard teens say, 'I'm not worth your trust? Ok, I may as well REALLY do what I want as long as you don't trust me.'

There are many areas of trust. Saying you don't trust her, is like saying she's bad. All of her. It needs to be specified that it's her actions you don't trust, NOT HER as a person. Unless, of course, she steals, lies, would stab you in the back in other ways, etc.. Then every aspect of her would be untrustworthy.

Kids take things literally when it's an attact on their being.
I'll clarify. "I no longer trust you to tell me the truth." "Because of the choices you have made, I no longer trust you to make good choices on your own."

 
Old 02-05-2010, 01:21 PM
 
75 posts, read 92,692 times
Reputation: 35
[quote=Nyse;12769941]So you think because he is having sex with your daughter he is a sex offender!?!?!? Did you ever think that maybe its just as much her fault as his or maybe even more hers? You mentality is that how dare he have sex with MY daughter! Well you said yourself that he has broken up with her in the past but she cant stay away from him. Do you not put any blame on your daughter or yourself? Youd rather charge if you could, or at the very least label someone an offender b/c your daughter is rebelling, or cant keep her legs closed or whatever the case may be?


[mod cut]
If the label fits, he gets to wear it. Here there has to be a two year age difference. There isn't so it can't be done. If he met the legal defintion of a sex offender, I would use the law to protect my daughter. I happen to agree with the law. It prevents older men from taking advantage of younger girls.

She is only 14. She is way too young to making this decision. Unfortunately, he's not quite two years older than her so I can't prosecute. If he were old enough to prosecute, I would. There's a reason the laws are written as they are.

Last edited by mrstewart; 02-05-2010 at 04:35 PM..
 
Old 02-05-2010, 01:24 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,401,981 times
Reputation: 41122
I think you might have better results with a female GYN....young girls might feel very reluctant discussing their sexuality with a man....I don't even like to do that.
 
Old 02-05-2010, 01:26 PM
 
75 posts, read 92,692 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by chattypatty View Post
I'm sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. As you know, you're not alone.

I would put the issue into two categories right now: the immediate crisis (what should I do right now to protect my daughter?) and the longterm/philosophical (how do I think about this situation? what should my goals be? what are some reasons this happened)

In the immediate category:
1) Confronting her will only lead to a blow up and defensive lying, in my opinion. Not sure I would take that route. She'd probably be horrified. At least wait until you are sure it's the right thing to do and you have a plan or strategy (seek counseling for advice, maybe?)
2) Get her to a female gynecologist who is good with teens, right away. Just say you think it's time for her to have this kind of exam now in her life. This is the time to do damage control of the worst possible case scenarios: pregnancy, STDs, cervical cancer, etc.
3) Get some supervision going. Hiring a part time housekeeper might be a great idea.
4) Consider getting some counseling for yourself on how to handle this situation. Do this BEFORE you take actions like confronting her, etc.
5) Talking to the boy's family is SUCH a bad idea, unless they were good people that you knew well. I predict that the first thing they would do is call your daughter a ho. You don't want or need that. I also doubt that this boy can be "scared" into being responsible. Teens are notoriously stupid and impulsive. It's nice to try to scare them or educate them into being responsible but when it comes to the really important stuff, you need a back up plan while they are "learning," and that is 24/7 supervision.


Philosophical:
1) I'm extremely conservative (and religious) on the subject of premarital sexuality. Yes, 14 is terribly young but compared to her classmates, probably not. This is her world, after all. This is what is the "norm" in her peer group. As long as she is in that setting, there is little hope of her being different. I don't know that you are going to be able to stop this sexual activity cold. Once her sexual desires are aroused AND gratified, it's a powerful urge and short of putting her into a cage, doubt you are going to be able to control it unless you remove her entirely from the environment she is in (see my comments below). Even prisoners in labor camps where they were starved ended up pregnant. How did that happen? Putting aside the horrible possibility of rape by guards, many prisoners who survived and were interviewed admitted to sexual activity and said the urges were on par with hunger. They'd do anything to "get it." Amazing!

2) Where is her father? Young girls who become sexually active early are often missing their fathers and seeking out male attention. Perhaps finding some way for her to have a healthier paternal type relationship might help curb some of her psychological desires for sex. Any trustworthy adult males that could spend more time with her? I emphasize "trustworthy."

3) This boy does not sound like a good influence even apart from the sexual activity. You may not be able to end the relationship entirely but you probably can put a crimp in it, enough that he might get bored or impatient with her and move along to another victim. She'll hate you but that's part of being a parent. Girls tend to be "in love" and boys often are just looking for a sexual outlet. If she is suddenly made unavailable, he might grow impatient and do the hard work for you by dumping her. Realize that if you don't deal with her psychological needs, there is more to come in this area: if he does move on to someone else, she may seek out retaliatory sex with boys she doesn't even care about, etc. You need to be anticipating ALL of this.

4) Your daughter is in a groove, so to speak. She has her set of friends, her boyfriend, her routine at school and her routine at home. If you really want to break up this scenario and try to reprogram her to stop having sex, etc, it would mean taking drastic measures that involve changing her peer group, her school, etc. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do, but it might be for some families. In our family, premarital sex is completely unacceptable, but recognizing how hard it would be to interrupt something that has become a pattern within a familiar scenario, we'd probably remove her from all that is familiar to her, create a bit of a personal crisis to keep her mind busy on adjusting, and get her into a different setting where sexual activity among girls her age would make her very strange indeed. Never underestimate the power of peer pressure! On the other hand, sometimes you just can't rewind the tape, or maybe moving to an Amish community isn't feasible. :-)

5) Trust. I think this is one of the biggest myths. I remember when I was a teenager, parents always talking about trust issues with teens. Realize that there are some urges that are just too strong for a teen to handle and of course they are going to fail. Is that a matter of them violating your trust? If your child were starving and there were a sandwich placed in front of her every single day, would you say she had violated your trust by finally eating it? Sexual urges are the same way. We adults can't even control our sexual desires without MUCH effort, so why do we expect young kids with emerging sexual desires to be expert at controlling them? The real answer is not to "trust" a teen, but to SUPERVISE a teen! Never let them be alone with the opposite sex. My tact would be to say "of course I don't trust you! I WANT you to have a strong and healthy sexual desire. That's why I have to supervise you until it's safe for you to give in to your healthy urges." :-)

6) Teens who have worthwhile pursuits are less likely to engage in sex because they are too busy and too goal oriented. Kids with nothing to do get bored and feed their sexual urges as a way to entertain themselves. Is there anything she can do after school? Does she play a musical instrument? Dance? Can she get a job? Can she volunteer? Can she take a theatre class? What can she do to re-focus her life on something more worthwhile than hanging out with an equally bored and unfocused but horny boy?

Good luck with all this. Let us know how it goes.

Thank you for a well thought out reply. Right now, I'm not thinking rationally. I'm still in shock. Your post really helps.
 
Old 02-05-2010, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
677 posts, read 1,535,817 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper View Post
Unfortunately, I don't teach in the district we live in. It would be a great idea if I did. I can transfer her to the school I teach at if I can convince her father. Academics don't compare but academics won't matter if she gets pregnant.
This sounds like a plan.
 
Old 02-05-2010, 01:47 PM
 
3,004 posts, read 3,879,982 times
Reputation: 2028
Quote:
Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper View Post
Thank you for a well thought out reply. Right now, I'm not thinking rationally. I'm still in shock. Your post really helps.
Being shocked is totally understandable!

Btw, I didn't mean to sound as if I was saying "never talk to her about sex" when I cautioned against confronting her. I had some of the other poster's comments in mind and was thinking of "confronting" in terms of "confrontational." I definitely would not be "confrontational" and get into all my emotions right off the bat -- violated trust, disappointment, the scare list of possible consequences, etc. I know it feels that time is of the essence and for some things, it is, like, getting her into the doctor but you have some time to research the best way to talk with her about this and what to say.

Edited to say: When I suggested counseling, I didn't mean counseling in terms of therapy! I meant counseling in terms of talking with someone for guidance, or just reading some good books. I'm sure somewhere there is a book entitled "How to Talk to Your Teen About Sex." Probably a whole shelf dedicated to that topic at the public library!

I agree you should try to find a female OB/Gyn instead of your doctor, but maybe he can recommend someone to you. She probably will feel uneasy going to someone she knows that you also see for your medical care. She is too young to automatically know about patient confidentiality and no doubt will assume that YOUR doctor will run tell you everything. Find her her own doctor.

There are many reasons why I think discussing this with the boy's mother is a bad idea. I already stated one reason -- the blame will likely be placed on your daughter and that gets you nowhere, just gives you a high blood pressure. The other is that you have hinted in your posts that the boy's mother is not necessarily on the same page as you are with this, so it probably wouldn't do anything anyway.

But the most important reason I would not discuss this with the boy's mother is this: to turn this into a group discussion or to reveal to your daughter that you are discussing her sex life with her boyfriend's mother would be HUMILIATING to her. In general, I think humiliation is a bad parenting technique, not to mention, talk about violation of trust! This is a highly personal, private issue. You hope that your daughter will let you in when the time is right for you to talk with her about it (when you are calmer, when you have a strategy). Beginning by humiliating her and discussing something so private with her boyfriend's mother -- boy, very bad idea in my opinion! I know others have chosen this strategy with varying degrees of success in terms of the outcomes they wanted to see, but I would want to teach my daughter modesty and self-respect and the proper attitude toward privacy in sex and love, and none of those things is furthered by making teen recreational sex a group discussion between two families!! It's not like a play date where two kids misbehaved (well, it is like that, but you can't treat it like that). Dealing with teens is tricky precisely because they are neither children nor adults. You don't want to treat your daughter like a child whose "sex playing" has to be regulated with the help of the other mommy. She wants to be treated like an adult and sex is an adult activity -- yet she is not an adult yet. You have to find that balance.

Oy.

Last edited by chattypatty; 02-05-2010 at 02:00 PM..
 
Old 02-05-2010, 02:19 PM
 
29,981 posts, read 42,859,282 times
Reputation: 12828
Quote:
Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper View Post
I'm praying it isn't true but fear it is. We've always made sure his mom was home if they went to his house but there were a couple of times when I called over there and the mom didn't know they were there (possibly left and came back without her realizing they had come back). Plus there are times when just the tone of her voice when I call her to come home is wrong. However, this kid is really controlling. We've discouraged the relationship but not forbidden it hoping it will end on its own. My daughter is the type to do something just because you told her she couldn't. She's very self centered. Moreso than the average teen. Which is why I can't figure why she'd risk pregnancy. Pregnancy would ruin her dream of going to veternary school. Of course every teen thinks "Not me".
Do you have any idea the danger your daughter is in? Pregnancy could be the least of your worries. This boy has brothers who've been to jail and he is controlling (a.k.a. abusive) over your daughter. My GOD, wake up woman.

1.Get a restraining order against the boy.

2.Get your daughter out of town if you have to. Send her to an all girls boarding school a thousand miles away if that is what it takes.

You cannot just sit back and HOPE this will go away. Hope is not a strategy to keep your daughter safe.
 
Old 02-05-2010, 02:30 PM
 
75 posts, read 92,692 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
I think you might have better results with a female GYN....young girls might feel very reluctant discussing their sexuality with a man....I don't even like to do that.
Good point. My family physician may be a better choice for her since she's female.
 
Old 02-05-2010, 03:30 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 4,684,028 times
Reputation: 2194
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifelongMOgal View Post
Do you have any idea the danger your daughter is in? Pregnancy could be the least of your worries. This boy has brothers who've been to jail and he is controlling (a.k.a. abusive) over your daughter. My GOD, wake up woman.

1.Get a restraining order against the boy.

2.Get your daughter out of town if you have to. Send her to an all girls boarding school a thousand miles away if that is what it takes.

You cannot just sit back and HOPE this will go away. Hope is not a strategy to keep your daughter safe.
Good grief, he isn't a 25 year old stalker. He's her 15 year old boyfriend.
 
Old 02-05-2010, 04:16 PM
 
298 posts, read 1,088,490 times
Reputation: 202
grimalkinskeeper, are you and your husband the same age? Are one of you older than that other? Id say the chances are that you arent the same age and maybe even more than one year difference. Do you think its right that if she is willing with him and being a year older or even two or three that that YOU feel the need to ruin HIS life?

It sounds like to me that you dont like the fact that your daughter is having sex with him, which is fine. Agian I dont think a 14 year old girl should be having sex either. But it also sounds like you are aching to use whatever means you can to stop it. And just wanting to use the police to ruin his life because your feel like you cant control your daughter is just wrong be it that she is just to blame as he is.

Dont you think that any blame falls on you and his parents?!? Dont you think you should have taught your daughter responsibility?!?!?!

It would be like your daughter killing herself by a drug overdose and trying to sue walmart for selling her the drugs in the first place. While they werent supposed to sell her more than 3 boxes at a time of the headache medicine she only bought 2 and was enough to kill her. YOUR thinking is that you should be able to sue them for selling it to her. While the blame is on her and maybe your for not setting her straight to begin with.


Just answer me this, DOES ANY BLAME REST WITH YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER!?!?!?
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