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Thanks for all the great responses. The car is in my daughter's name. She is responsible for the insurance that is also in her name.
My daughter is the type that wants to help everybody. Although, it's a nice gesture, it gets her in trouble. She ends up worrying about everybody else and it runs her down and pulls her back.
I've tried to talk to her about it but she gets upset. I've told her it's fine to help others but you need to take care of yourself first. She's always worrying how her friends are going to get to work, school, doctor or wherever. I guess it's just her personality.
Dragonfly8: Funny you mention those professions. She is majoring in pediatric nursing. (taking care of children)
As for the boyfriend, he's very intellegent, but is being very lazy. I hope my daughter realizes this and moves on. She deserves better and I hope she can find somebody who treats her better.
veuvegirl: I really like how you put things and I'm going to try to approach it this way.
As for the car, I'm going to let her know upfront that she will have to maintain it from now on. There is no reason she has to put as many miles on it as she has. My husband told her she might as well paint it yellow and put a sign on top of it.
My nephew could be your daughter's boyfriend. He's a nice kid, but had a bad upbringing.
His parents basically abandoned him and his sister at one point. The mother was 'screwed up' herself and couldn't raise anyone. Many times (I heard this years later) the kids barely ate (including a little brother who was husband #2's kid). Mom is on #3, by the way...
The kids were raised to lie and worse.
Now I hear he is a druggie but no one in his immediate family seems to care or they joke about it.
He has a kid, can't hold down a job.
I guess he could be classified a loser, too.
Every loser is someone's child or nephew or son or daughter. I remember him as a cute, smart, sassy little kid.
I'm sorry THIS guy is your burden and your daughter 'didn't do better.'
Your post just got me thinking. No offense meant to you.
[SNIP]
We've been nothing but nice to her boyfriend and all he does is walk all over my daughter and us. Everytime something goes wrong, guess who gets stuck with the bill? We do! It's just so frustrating!
I know if my daughter wants to be with him, we can't change that. I just get mad that everytime something goes wrong, it falls on us.
[SNIP]
So stop letting it fall on you. That'll at least solve that problem.
Yes - if he does care for her, if she gives him the ultimatum - and he refuses to shape up - then she knows where she really stands with him. It is a hard lesson she needs to find a real nice guy who will treat her well.
are you kidding me?????are you both really mature grown ups??????????????
it seems to me like you all are in kindergarten...not capable of mature decision,how can you let a 20 years old boy play you around???GET SMART!GROW UP!!
there is a saying in germany..tell me ,who you hang around with,then i can tell you,who you are!!!(not the right translation maybe but i tried).....how can you let your daughter hang around with such a looser??why do not stop it immediatelly??
can she support herself??NOOOOO..when you are my child,as long as you are in my house and i support you,YOU FOLLOW MY RULES!!!!!you do not like it,move out and support yourself,periode!!i woudl never encourage and permit such a relation under my wings.Education is what your daughter need!!not ruin her life with a looser...tell her,she can not save the world!!!and if she wants,she shoudl make it on herself ,not with your help!!
Time to take action you and your husband,stop being nice (nice people are often exploited in this world..),set boundaries..arrange a ride for her to college..a grandma,a neighbor..you,if you can..no car no more for your daughter..if she is not capable to take care of her car,if she plays taxi for her friends,if she let you pay all the repair and so on,then SHE HAS NO RESPECT FOR HER PARENTS ,THEIR MONEY AND WORK,DO YOU GET IT??????IT IS NOT ONLY ABOUT THE BOY!!!EDUCATE YOUR DAUGHTER,HER BEHAVIOUER IS MISERABLE!!SHE SHOULD ACT LIKE THIS WITH HER MONEY!!NO PITTY AT ALL FOR HER!!she let her boyfriend talk on her bill,sorry darling,pay your bill yourself,if you can not,no phone!!periode!!nobody makes fun as me as a parent,nobody handle MY MONEY AS a parent with disrespect,not even my child!!You respect your parents and their work.If you are not capable,then you learn the taugh lesson,at least i am such a parent and no jokes with me,no BS with me.
She is a good person and help everybody???GREAT WITHOUHT HURTING ME FINACIALLY!!She shoudl go then to senior center and volunteer or make other money free activities,you can help a lot,community service hours......this is no excuse!!!!do not find excuses for her,this is not right!!!
her boyfriend is very intelligent??????are you kidding me????if he was a msart boy,he would not be in such a position!!BS!!!!you can't fix stupid!!a boy,who has a high IQ does not end like that,with 20...not finished high school...come on...just be a realist!!!
I would make everything,that she brakes up with the looser and concentrate on her college and not bring her down.
take action immediatelly..if she cries,screams,guess what: HER PROBLEM!!!tell her: GO OVER IT!!!and no worry she will...stop immediatelly any payment,change rules ...TAKE ACTION!!!before it is too late..you could see he rinvolved in drugs and so on..is this,what you want??how can you allow such a relation???LOW LIFES HAVE NOTHING LOST IN MY LIFE!!!PERIODE!!my child knows that and if he does not repect that,he can have low lifes as frineds,but not when he depends on me financially,because i do not support nay low lifes!!i have no pitty for young poeple,who screw their life,get involved in drugs or no interest in school and so on!!No pitty!!Hier in usa there are much more problems with kids like in europe,because i consider more discipline would be needed,set boundaries,be more strict with the kids and more involved in their lifes.Education starts at home!!!!!
Last edited by Buburuza13; 02-18-2010 at 01:43 PM..
Bottom line: No matter what the reason a 19 year old young woman is doing what she's doing with a young man the same age, THEY ARE BOTH GROWN.
Your daughter must learn where to draw the line helping others, and she will never learn by you footing the bill. She will become much more discerning when it comes out of HER pocket.
I feel bad for my daughter and it makes me so angry about her boyfriend. My daughter is 19 and has been dating this guy who is 20 for 4 years. He does nothing with his life and still hasn't graduated high school. He is a 1/2 credit short of English and 1 credit short of an elective of graduating. He refuses to work as well.
His mother has had it with him too. She told him to get out of the house, shut the cable off, shut the house phone off, and won't buy food. He's been staying at hotels with friends.
He uses my daughter's car and cell phone. He runs up her bill and I pay for it, so I end up shutting it off. Her car has turned into a taxi and he doesn't help with the upkeep. My husband and I have to pay for the maintenance and repairs. The only reason we do it is b/c it's our daughters only transportation to college.
I feel bad for my daughter b/c she keeps trying to help him and she runs herself into the ground. She's trying to do the right thing by going to college, but he keeps bringing her down. I tried to talk to her about it, but she just doesn't see it b/c she loves him.
We've been nothing but nice to her boyfriend and all he does is walk all over my daughter and us. Everytime something goes wrong, guess who gets stuck with the bill? We do! It's just so frustrating!
I know if my daughter wants to be with him, we can't change that. I just get mad that everytime something goes wrong, it falls on us. It always seems like we take it out on our daughter and she thinks that, but it's not directed towards her. Thanks for letting me vent.
I'm sorry to have to post this as there really is no nice way to say it but you are enabling this situation by bailing her out after he runs up her bills.
#1 STOP paying her bills. You are enabling this situation by doing so. If her phone gets shut off, it gets shut off. If her car breaks down, it breaks down. Let her deal with the fall out from her decisions. She'll get really tired of him not paying his way really fast when the bills are hers to deal with.
I'm sorry but you are training her to be walked on by paying the bills that result from him walking on her. You are giving your approval every time you write a check. I know you think you're helping but you're not. Baling our kids out of messes they made seldom is the right choice. STOP NOW. Tell her the free ride is over. The bills are hers. If she chooses to allow him to use her that you will not bail her out.
Yet, the advice for the WOMAN is to cut him loose and let him fend for himself, while the MAN is to be coddled because his GF is such a vixen!
I see a lot of the same advice to stop bailing children out as well. As parents, sometimes, we need to remember that bailing out kids out of messes they make is seldom the right thing to do. While we don't want to see our kids struggle, it is though struggling that they become strong and able do deal with life's ups and downs.
Sometimes, it's hard for parents to not fix things for their kids but we really need to avoid the temptation. There comes a point where we have to cut them loose and let them deal with the messes they make and learn from them.
I agree Ivory. The problem is that most parents want to manage the lives of their children until they are 18 and give them everything they can, then think they are prepared to face the world and make good decisions, or they just want to continue managing their lives into their twenties. It doesn't happen that way.
Kids need to begin managing their own lives early on, being given responsibilities from an early age, then more as they grow. Survival responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, managing money, time management, etc.). Unless that happens, by the time they should be moving out on their own, they have no idea of how to do it.
Out of everybody I graduated from high school with, I can't think of even one who just stayed at home. They either moved out and went to college, went into the armed forces, or got married, got a job and rented their own place. But back then, kids were raised knowing how to take care of themselves and their business. Back then, it was EXPECTED that kids move out when they became of age.
These days, parents just don't allow their kids to grow up, then they get frustrated and complain that they haven't (grown up).
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