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I feel awful for feeling this way, but here it goes...
My parents lived across the country from me (I am in CA, and they're in FL) and they were planning to visit in a few months. Then, for whatever reason (still not sure why) they decided not to. I feel awful but....I'm beyond relieved.
They've yet to visit us out here (we've lived in CA for a year now) and they're very anxious to see me. I'm their only child (and adopted, don't think that's relevant though) and I get reminded very often of how much they miss me/hate that I moved far away/etc. It's just...I know that it's normal for most people to miss family members when they're away from them; but, for me, I don't really feel the difference in talking with someone on the phone vs. seeing them face to face. I know, I feel like such an awful person for saying this.
To be honest, knowing they're OK and well is enough for me. I don't need to see them in the flesh. I speak with them on the phone several days a week. In fact, another thing I hate to admit, is that one thing I like about living far away is the distance between us. My life is peaceful, and quiet, and I don't have several people vying for my time and making me feel guilty if I don't spend enough time with them (which happens when we visit). It seems like our face to face visits involve me being made to feel guilty, and I really just hate that.
Does anyone have the same feelings I do? How awful of a person am I?
Anyhow, I just needed to kind of confess and vent a bit.
Hey! Don't feel bad, you have feelings too. Can you explain this to them? I think if it makes you uncomfortable then talk about it. I say be very open, keeping things inside only gave me an illusion that it was good.
Your family is not tight and that's OK.
You are not an awful person and many people have the same feelings.
I hear you and sympathize.
You care, and that's what counts.
It sounds like your parents make you feel this way by laying on the guilt trips. Don't let the guilt trips have that much power. Just let it go in one ear and out the other.
Hey! Don't feel bad, you have feelings too. Can you explain this to them? I think if it makes you uncomfortable then talk about it. I say be very open, keeping things inside only gave me an illusion that it was good.
It would involve lots of crying by my mother (and possibly my father, which is...awkward).
The last time I tried to explain how I feel I got to hear that:
"You didn't turn out the way we raised you to be."
"You've hurt us more than anyone could ever hurt someone."
"We always thought you'd be the type of person to stay close and not put your spouse in front of us, but we were wrong."
According to them, THEY meant to raise someone that would always keep their parents very, very close in their lives. This is fine! I know many people that are very close to their parents. I, however, am not. I just don't feel the drive or the common ground with them to be close.
Realize--they've been upset with me because I don't drink alcohol (according to them it means that "I think I'm too good to have a drink!"). I've been called a "snob" on many occasions.
Part of the issue is that I am a very open, in your face kind of person. They, however, are not. My mother cries...oh she cries...and calls me mean. Once I corrected her on the pronunciation of the word "queue" and she cried. Told me that I "made her feel stupid." Hrm.
It would involve lots of crying by my mother (and possibly my father, which is...awkward).
The last time I tried to explain how I feel I got to hear that:
"You didn't turn out the way we raised you to be."
"You've hurt us more than anyone could ever hurt someone."
"We always thought you'd be the type of person to stay close and not put your spouse in front of us, but we were wrong."
Realize--they've been upset with me because I don't drink alcohol (according to them it means that "I think I'm too good to have a drink!"). I've been called a "snob" on many occasions.
O_O. Sounds like their laying down the guilt trip. I say be honest and if they can't understand, you'll figure something out.
The last time I tried to explain how I feel I got to hear that:
"You didn't turn out the way we raised you to be."
"You've hurt us more than anyone could ever hurt someone."
"We always thought you'd be the type of person to stay close and not put your spouse in front of us, but we were wrong."
Maybe it's time to stand up for yourself. What they want isn't healthy. You need to learn how to establish healthy boundaries.
If they want to be a part of your life, they should stop laying on the guilt trips. Only you can set them straight on that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thepinksquid
Realize--they've been upset with me because I don't drink alcohol (according to them it means that "I think I'm too good to have a drink!"). I've been called a "snob" on many occasions.
Are they alcoholics?
Quote:
Originally Posted by thepinksquid
Once I corrected her on the pronunciation of the word "queue" and she cried. Told me that I "made her feel stupid." Hrm.
You shouldn't correct her.
btw, are you adopted? I recall someone who was adopted who posting a thread last month about similar problems. Are you the same person?
Maybe it's time to stand up for yourself. What they want isn't healthy. You need to learn how to establish healthy boundaries.
If they want to be a part of your life, they should stop laying on the guilt trips. Only you can set them straight on that.
You're right, I need to. I have the tendency at time to spend time being pissed over the situation rather than try to fix it, I know this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
Are they alcoholics?
I think it would depend on your definition. They don't drink before work, or during the day or anything, however I do know that drinking is a HUGE element to their "downtime" and that I remember them getting upset if they had to do something after work which would prevent the drinking commencement. They drink pretty much all weekend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
You shouldn't correct her.
You're right. I just didn't mean anything by it; I kind expect people to correct me if I'm wrong...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
btw, are you adopted? I recall someone who was adopted who posting a thread last month about similar problems. Are you the same person?
I am. And yes, that may have been me. It's been a little "trying" recently; I've been using C-D to vent a bit.
I would suggest you attend the AA meetings for relatives. I think it is Al-Anon. A friend did and it gave her wonderful coping suggestions and showed how she could avoid being an enabler. It is just not all about drinking but how to cope with such issues.
You cannot change them, you can only change how you relate to them and personally feel about it.
Distance is great and perhaps even less contact right now is better. Plus you need to establish and communicate even better boundaries and enforce them.
I can understand your feelings, but at the same time....go easy on those parents of yours.
I couldn't imagine one of my young children ever moving far away from me someday, it would be unbearable. And to think they would be happier with me far away almost puts a tear in my eye.
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