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Old 02-27-2010, 06:06 AM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,259 posts, read 14,627,226 times
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You better make sure the other spouse is really on board with the stay at home situation.
Mine kinda revolted after saying it would be fine and I wound up back at work when they were 4 and 6 weeks respectively. People change their mind.
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Old 02-27-2010, 06:31 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,416,732 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mt-7 View Post
You better make sure the other spouse is really on board with the stay at home situation.
Mine kinda revolted after saying it would be fine and I wound up back at work when they were 4 and 6 weeks respectively. People change their mind.
I can understand that. My husband talked about staying home when our second was born but I was PETRIFIED at the thought of being solely responsible for supporting our family. It's scary to have that much responsibility on your shoulders and have to bear it alone.
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Old 02-27-2010, 06:33 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,416,732 times
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Originally Posted by wanderintonc View Post
Well, many moms can treat other children equal, and are excellent daycare providers I have found that, as women, we go through seasons of life-as we have children and they grow, we have different needs and goals, and flexibility is a must. I hardly expect a woman who does not yet have kids, to want to be a dcp (however, if she does want to, I completely respect that). I can understand why a woman with young children, herself, may want to. Most women I know who have done this, have eventually returned to outside employment, when her kids are older. Although, a few have continued being dcp's and love it. I respect that as well. I happened to prefer and chose home daycare (for my kids that were in daycare) as opposed to centers, but I know others who preferred center care. Both can work well.

In my years of mothering, I have been a full-time working mom, a part-time working mom, a SAHM, a WAHM, part-time and now again full-time working mom. So, I've pretty much seen the spectrum and issues connected to it, such as daycare. It just is not all black-and-white, and different things are appropriate at different seasons in life. Everyone needs to do what is best for their family at the place where they are at. That might be, working, not working, being a dcp, working two jobs...whatever. There are no hard-and-fast rules.

Maybe they can, maybe they can't but I will not gamble with my children. Without some reason to believe that the mom in question was a DCP because that's what she wanted to be, as opposed to what she had to be in order to avoid putting her own children in day care, I'm moving on. I don't gamble with my children. Period. IMO, suddenly, developing an itch to be a DCP because you had a baby is suspect. And no, I'm not giving you a chance because giving you a chance means gambling with my children. I'd be a **** poor mother if I did that.

You need to KNOW your dcp choice is a good one. Babies do not do well if you have to switch dcps on them after they've bonded. This is not something you gamble with. You make sure your choice is good. You do that by choosing someone who shows evidence of being a DCP because that's what they feel called to do. Not someone who shows evidence of choosing to be a DCP so they could make money from home because they had a baby and don't want to leave their baby (which is what it looks like when having a baby is what makes you decide to become a dcp). Most moms are not capable of treating other children equal to their own. To use a DCP with her own children at home is risky. What kind of mother takes that kind of risk with her children? Ans: Not one I want to be. I've seen too many situations where mom became a DCP because she just didn't want to leave her own baby where she treated her own kids better than the other kids in her care or, outright, resented the intrusion of the other kids on her life. Are they all like that? Probably not but I'm not gambling with my children. If someone else is stupid enough to take this gamble, I hope it works out for their children's sake but I will protect mine the best I can and I'll start by making sure their DCP is a DCP because that's her calling not because it's convenient now that she has kids and needs to make money but doesn't want to leave her house to do it.
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Old 02-27-2010, 07:39 AM
 
2,839 posts, read 9,958,771 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Maybe they can, maybe they can't but I will not gamble with my children. Without some reason to believe that the mom in question was a DCP because that's what she wanted to be, as opposed to what she had to be in order to avoid putting her own children in day care, I'm moving on. I don't gamble with my children. Period. IMO, suddenly, developing an itch to be a DCP because you had a baby is suspect. And no, I'm not giving you a chance because giving you a chance means gambling with my children. I'd be a **** poor mother if I did that.

You need to KNOW your dcp choice is a good one. Babies do not do well if you have to switch dcps on them after they've bonded. This is not something you gamble with. You make sure your choice is good. You do that by choosing someone who shows evidence of being a DCP because that's what they feel called to do. Not someone who shows evidence of choosing to be a DCP so they could make money from home because they had a baby and don't want to leave their baby (which is what it looks like when having a baby is what makes you decide to become a dcp). Most moms are not capable of treating other children equal to their own. To use a DCP with her own children at home is risky. What kind of mother takes that kind of risk with her children? Ans: Not one I want to be. I've seen too many situations where mom became a DCP because she just didn't want to leave her own baby where she treated her own kids better than the other kids in her care or, outright, resented the intrusion of the other kids on her life. Are they all like that? Probably not but I'm not gambling with my children. If someone else is stupid enough to take this gamble, I hope it works out for their children's sake but I will protect mine the best I can and I'll start by making sure their DCP is a DCP because that's her calling not because it's convenient now that she has kids and needs to make money but doesn't want to leave her house to do it.
Sorry to break this to you, but life in itself is a gamble. When you choose to stay home, it's a gamble... waht if DH loses his job or leaves you? When you choose to place your baby in the care of someone else, it's a gamble: What if the person decides to move away, have their own baby, raise their grandchildren, go back to teaching/engineering/nursing/etc, what if they like someone else's kid better than yours? What if they have a heart attack or are injured in a car accident and can no longer care for your children? It's taking a gamble, no matter what you do. Do you ask for a written guarantee that your provider will provide daycare services for the rest of your kid's childhood? Do you ask for a letter from their doctor guaranteeing that they will not have a health problem? Or that the provider won't have a special place in her heart for one of her daycare charges (unless it's your kid)? EVERYONE tries to protect their kid the best that they can. For some, that's using a daycare center where there is more than one adult in the room at all times. For others, it's staying home with their children. For still others, it's choosing someone who is young and healthy to watch their kids, and for still others, it's choosing a grandmotherly type. Many check the sex offender websites to see where the nearest sex offender lives to the daycare facility. Most want their DCPs to be certified in first aid and CPR. That's called parenting, and everyone does it, not just you. People just have different criteria.

You can cite percentages and statistics and predictions all you want, but like it or not, all the research in the world can't protect your kids from hardships and heartbreaks and hard times. As the mother of older children, I'm sure you know this. Without the benefit of a crystal ball, you just can't predict what's going to happen with any level of certainty.
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Old 02-27-2010, 09:23 AM
 
10,629 posts, read 26,643,397 times
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I have never once seen a daycare situation where the adult treated their own children better than the other kids. I find it hard to believe that this is such a widespread situation. When kids come over to play at your house do you treat your own kids better and treat the friends like dirt? That seems to be what's being suggested here. Having different rules and expectatations for different sets of kids would be making life unnecessarily difficult, if nothing else.

And I agree with TouchofWhimsy: everything is a gamble, and everyone makes the parenting decisions that are best for them.
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Old 02-27-2010, 09:53 AM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,687,327 times
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Originally Posted by uptown_urbanist View Post
I have never once seen a daycare situation where the adult treated their own children better than the other kids.
I experienced this once, but I disagree with Ivorytickler believing that it's the norm. I've had various childcare providers who had children, and only once was one unqualified to watch children.

She was the director of a childcare center provided by my company and childcare workers were permitted to have their own chidlren at the center. A masters degree in childhood development is required for the position of director of a childcare center in my state.

This women was only focused on her own child. She watched her toddler like a hawk. And she'd go flying across the room to protect her child by roughly grabbing the hands of other toddlers (who might have been hitting her child with a toy---we're talking toddlers here) and yelling at them. She didn't protect other children from these things, just her own. She was rough and intense. It was frightening to watch.

My coworkers used to try to make me feel better by saying maybe she would realize that she wasn't cut out for this type of work. I highly doubted it since she spent so many years receiving education specifically for the job. In the end, parents who used the daycare center were able to convince the subcontract company running the daycare to fire her.

But all of my other experiences with mothers watching my child were very positive. Most had daycare centers in their home with their children being similar age to my children. No problems whatsoever. The one I used the longest (for many, many years), had 8 children of her own. She came from a family of 16 children and she was a master at raising large numbers of children. Mine was just another in the bunch. She had worked outside of the home for many years before watching my son. And she definitely started watching him as a way to earn extra money. Yet, she was the BEST childcare provider I ever had!

I think people are missing out on some great childcare providers by assuming someone will be a bad provider simply because they are motivated to make money while staying home with their children. (I once used someone who had no children at home and she was the most miserable childcare provider. I pulled my child from there in less than a week.)

The reality is that some people are good at working with large groups of children and some people aren't. There's no magic formula that indicates someone will be a good or bad childcare provider. However, my personal experience was that childcare providers who had their own children at home where the best.
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Old 02-27-2010, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Aurora, Colorado
2,212 posts, read 5,138,289 times
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Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I can understand that. My husband talked about staying home when our second was born but I was PETRIFIED at the thought of being solely responsible for supporting our family. It's scary to have that much responsibility on your shoulders and have to bear it alone.
It IS scary to depend solely on one income after you've been used to having 2. My only advice for those who are wanting to do this is the same thing that we did. Spend at least a year (but it's better if it's more than that) living on only one income. Take every single penny of income that the person wanting to be a SAHP is making and put it into a savings account or use it to pay off bills. We did this for almost 5 years and by the time I was ready for my last day of work, we had a significant savings account, an established retirement account for me, college savings accounts, no debt, and a large amount of money to put down on a house.

And I will be honest here because I think there are a lot of people who make it seem "fun" to be a SAHM. For my husband and I, we used to share the chores when I was working full time. He'd vacuum, fold laundry, do the dishes, wake up every other time with the baby, etc. When I decided to stay home, 99% of that responsibility is now mine. I do ALL of the chores, cook and clean the kitchen afterwards, the kids are mine to take care of (though when he's home, he helps out) and take to various activities, the list goes on. Now, I understand that this is fair, but if I'm being honest here, there are times when I wish I could go back to work just so I wouldn't have to have so many things on my plate! I feel like I have less time than I did when I was working full time.

It's a choice I made and I don't regret it (well, only sometimes I regret it!), but it's not sitting around and reading a good book and having "Fisher Price moments" with my kids. All that happened was I transferred the amount of time I used to work into the never-ending "honey do" list. I do enjoy being around my kids more and the more time I spend with them instead of putting them into an after-school program or daycare gives me time to really enjoy them as kids.
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Old 02-27-2010, 10:58 AM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,687,327 times
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Originally Posted by the3Ds View Post
And I will be honest here because I think there are a lot of people who make it seem "fun" to be a SAHM. For my husband and I, we used to share the chores when I was working full time. He'd vacuum, fold laundry, do the dishes, wake up every other time with the baby, etc. When I decided to stay home, 99% of that responsibility is now mine. I do ALL of the chores, cook and clean the kitchen afterwards, the kids are mine to take care of (though when he's home, he helps out) and take to various activities, the list goes on. Now, I understand that this is fair, but if I'm being honest here, there are times when I wish I could go back to work just so I wouldn't have to have so many things on my plate! I feel like I have less time than I did when I was working full time.
This is so true. When I was a stay at home mother, I actually felt like I got more accomplished when I was working. Staying at home causes you to fill your days with more responsibilities that you wouldn't normally bother trying as a working mother. The next thing you know, you're overwhelmed with merely picking up the dry cleaning because you're running in twenty different directions. When you work, you limit the directions you allow life to pull you.

Furthermore, I found staying home to be isolating when they are school aged. I spent 7 years at home while mine were school aged because I had one child who was often sick which made it impossible for us to be a two income family. I found I let myself get into a rut. A SAHM needs to actively pursue a separate identity with friends, hobbies, etc. That's hard to remind yourself to do when staying home because you get wrapped up in sacrificing for everyone else. The next thing you know, you realize that you don't have a life if you don't make sure to take care of your own needs throughout the years. Staying home shouldn't mean giving up life and interests, but most SAHM's do just that.
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Old 02-27-2010, 01:18 PM
 
47 posts, read 66,789 times
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I am a 34-year old, married, childfree woman who works full time and owns a house. I was raised in a traditional nuclear single-income family (probably among the last of an era) with 3 siblings. It is no surprise to me that I love living in a DINK household now. We have agonized over whether or not to have children for the past few years, and with all things considered, we're almost certain we won't.

We've had to think about the same question as you of course, and when I look around at all of the couples having children, especially in the current economic climate, they either 1. don't care about the prospect of being poor, 2. come from old money or at least a family of significant assets, 3. receive financial assistance from relatives, the government, and often community fundraisers if they get caught in a tough situation, or 4. a combination of those. I would wager a guess that very very few parents raise their children solely on money earned from their work...and I'm sure there's been a study done on the subject sometime...somewhere...
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Old 02-27-2010, 01:35 PM
 
47 posts, read 66,789 times
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p.s. I read somewhere recently that today it costs an estimated $250,000 to raise a child to age 18
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