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My 15 year old stepson is a straight A student and he is in ROTC. We(his dad, his my and myself) are all very proud of him. For the last year or so he has become increasingly disrespectful (he was always a bit of a smart talker) and has learned how to play on his parents extreme dislike for one another and it is totally out of control. His parents have joint custody and when he gets mad at one he totally trashes the parent he is mad at. His mom lets him do things that we would not(ride in cars with several other teens, stay the night by himself if she wants to go out of town). The bad thing is that his parents don't support each other as far as punishing him because they want him to like them better than they like the other parent. They wont admit it but it is obvious. It is ridiculous. I also have a 13 year old son, but he is of a totally different personality. Anyway, I have been in my older stepsons life since he was five and love both my stepsons like they are my own, but legally I suppose I don't have a lot of say in what goes on disipline wise. My husband lets his feelings get hurt by my stepson and then lets him stay at his moms when he should be at our house. She does the same thing. His 13 year old brother and I are always in the middle. Both my husband and his exwife are loud arguers who just say what they feel (much like a teen would do). It is exhausting. I love my husband and I know that those boys are his world but I just dont know what I can do to let him stop feeling hurt about something mean a teenager says, and to stop saying mean thing when he argues. Is anyone else in this same situation?
Have you read any parenting books? I think we all have unique situations including my family so you are not alone. I have a little girl right now and my goal is to parent from the center, that is, not too permissive and not too authoritative. I will make mistakes along the way but hopefully they will become few and far between.
One thing I often hear my family say of a certain member is "After all we have done for him, when is he going to grow up?" Its like they expected him to turn a certain age and suddenly be a different person. If they wanted my relative to be a grown up then they should have guided him in that direction instead of hoping he will get there one day.
Many will attribute this to normal teenage behavior. This can be true if the teenager is looking to be independent from the parents. But outright disrespect should never be tolerated. However, I also think it is disrespectful to the teenager when the parents are permissive.
I am not sure if it is so much my stepson as it is his parents! Personally, I do think my stepson's judgement is pretty good overall and think his disrespectful and dramatic behavior is probably more to be attributed to being a teen, but I do not have the faith in him to know how he will react if certain situations arise where he needs to make crucial decisions. There are still too many things that he is immature about(he is outright mean to his little brother, does things at the last minute, lies about small things to keep himself out of trouble, teen stuff mostly). When he proves that he can be mature about those things then I will be more apt to think he should be allowed more freedom. (Does that make sense)? Like I said, legally I really am not in the position to make those decisions(even though I wish I was).
I am probably wondering more about how divorced couples who really can't stand the sight of each other have managed to successfully co-parent with out all this drama. I don't have any idea how to get through to my husband and his ex-wife and they each tend to always think they are right about everything and get mad if you correct them. Its a serious clash of two dominant personalities! By the way, even though the ex and my husband can't speak to each other for more than 30 seconds without a screaming match, I am civil to her and have talked to her before when necessary.
See his ROTC CO. My kids were in ROTC as well, and their CO can help with the disrespect problem, and help make his transition into manhood much easier....it takes a team, take advantage of his relationship within the ROTC program! Our CO always made sure we knew if there were problems at home, we could come to him.
Regarding the situation with his parents, seems like your stepson is the one in control. Perhaps your husband needs to know that. As long as his parents behave this way, there's no hope, in my opinion. Try talking to the ROTC CO.
I am not sure if it is so much my stepson as it is his parents! Personally, I do think my stepson's judgement is pretty good overall and think his disrespectful and dramatic behavior is probably more to be attributed to being a teen, but I do not have the faith in him to know how he will react if certain situations arise where he needs to make crucial decisions. There are still too many things that he is immature about(he is outright mean to his little brother, does things at the last minute, lies about small things to keep himself out of trouble, teen stuff mostly). I would not put up with these "little" things. If he is lying about little stuff to stay out of trouble, which BTW might not be a lot of trouble because as you said it is about small things, imagine when he does something that will get him in big trouble. When he proves that he can be mature about those things then I will be more apt to think he should be allowed more freedom. IMO, true freedom between parent and child happens when the child does not have to tell little lies to avoid getting into trouble. The child is able to speak openly to you knowing that you wont jump to conclusions, make accusations, say "no" immediately. The child is looking for guidance perhaps but can't trust the parent and therefore turns to "friends" who understand them. (Does that make sense)? Like I said, legally I really am not in the position to make those decisions(even though I wish I was).
I am probably wondering more about how divorced couples who really can't stand the sight of each other have managed to successfully co-parent with out all this drama. Even parents who stay together may be pitted against each other by their children. Children, even babies, act differently when they are with a different adult. I don't have any idea how to get through to my husband and his ex-wife and they each tend to always think they are right about everything and get mad if you correct them. That is easy, don't try to correct them. Perhaps model appropriate behavior. Its a serious clash of two dominant personalities! By the way, even though the ex and my husband can't speak to each other for more than 30 seconds without a screaming match, I am civil to her and have talked to her before when necessary.
Anyway, I have been in my older stepsons life since he was five and love both my stepsons like they are my own, but legally I suppose I don't have a lot of say in what goes on disipline wise.
Legalities aside, you most certainly have a say because you are married to their father and they live in your house!
I think the biggest mistake stepfamilies make is not allowing the step-parent to parent and discipline.
When a parent remarries, the new spouse becomes a part of the family, not some strange extension that is uninvolved in half of what happens in the family.
This is an issue you need to take up with your husband. It's just as much a marriage issue as it is a parenting issue.
Stand firm and let him know how you want him to handle things when the children are at your house.
You've tried hinting, pursuading. Now it's time to put your foot down and demand that your husband stop allowing himself to be manipulated and start parenting.
I believe, the problem with so many kids is the social standard of raising a child. In general, kids are given too much of "you are the Mr/Ms somebody" status. I can tell you from my own experience how difficult it was when we moved to The US and started to raise kids here. Major difference, comparing Europe.
Another factor certainly is the fact, that the kid (from OP) has parents who are separated, so they both try to look to him better than the other parent. This is dead end. Being separated, they are unlikely to be cooperative enough to take a firm stand. While I don't know much about the whole situation, from what I read from OP, this is probably going to stay difficult.
My 15 year old stepson is a straight A student and he is in ROTC. We(his dad, his my and myself) are all very proud of him. For the last year or so he has become increasingly disrespectful (he was always a bit of a smart talker) and has learned how to play on his parents extreme dislike for one another and it is totally out of control. His parents have joint custody and when he gets mad at one he totally trashes the parent he is mad at. His mom lets him do things that we would not(ride in cars with several other teens, stay the night by himself if she wants to go out of town). The bad thing is that his parents don't support each other as far as punishing him because they want him to like them better than they like the other parent. They wont admit it but it is obvious. It is ridiculous. I also have a 13 year old son, but he is of a totally different personality. Anyway, I have been in my older stepsons life since he was five and love both my stepsons like they are my own, but legally I suppose I don't have a lot of say in what goes on disipline wise. My husband lets his feelings get hurt by my stepson and then lets him stay at his moms when he should be at our house. She does the same thing. His 13 year old brother and I are always in the middle. Both my husband and his exwife are loud arguers who just say what they feel (much like a teen would do). It is exhausting. I love my husband and I know that those boys are his world but I just dont know what I can do to let him stop feeling hurt about something mean a teenager says, and to stop saying mean thing when he argues. Is anyone else in this same situation?
This one lands squarely on Dad's plate to resolve. So tell him to man up and calm junior down. Junior is headed for REAL trouble with this attitude problem if not dealt with..............
Relationship between my son and new husband is exhausting me
My husband is a good man, sweet, kind and caring. My son is 14 years old now and 9 when I got together with my husband. My first request was for my husband to just simply be my son's friend, bond gain his trust so they could like each other. My husband does not have children and was never around children so his idea of parenting is constantly telling my son what to do, point out when he's doing things wrong, talk about the bad things never the good things and it's taking a toll on our relationship. I do not parent that way, I am positive with my son, we have a honest and open relationship and I believe my husband is driving my son away. My son is a good boy, repectful, doesn't get into trouble. My husband focuses on the little things he does, doesn't always pick up after himself, doesn't remember to do something (small) when he is told, it's like he looks for things to complain about or have the opportunity to complain to or about my son. It's getting to me. Always being in the middle, trying to listen from a far just in case something is said I don't agree with. He gives my son rules that I don't agree with then I have to explain to him, that does not bother me and he is allowed to do that, please be on the same page as me. I think my requests are simply, I ask that he be his friends, let me do the disciplining, be the bad guy, bond with him, compliment him on the good things he does and know what I want or expect from my son. Why can't he just do that?
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