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the sense of entitlement we see in teenagers and young"adults" is the manifestation of giving our kids everything they want, wanting to be their friends and not their parents and being intimidated by typical temper tantrums.
I can't stand to watch Super Nanny to watch the spineless parents just sit there with blank expressions while their kids run all over them. I just want to reach thru the screen abd throttle them- not the kids but the parents!!!
the sense of entitlement we see in teenagers and young"adults" is the manifestation of giving our kids everything they want, wanting to be their friends and not their parents and being intimidated by typical temper tantrums.
I can't stand to watch Super Nanny to watch the spineless parents just sit there with blank expressions while their kids run all over them. I just want to reach thru the screen abd throttle them- not the kids but the parents!!!
Unfortunately, many parents do for their kids in an attempt to show their kids how valued they are. Kids aren't born into families and expected to become part of the family these days. They TRANSFORM the family around them. They become the center. They never were in generations past.
Expecting our children to contribute in ways that matter will work here too.
Interesting posts and discussions. Thanks...My parents helped me feel important by treating me with respect and dignity...They always said "please" and "thank you" to me when they asked me to do things or help out... And this is the way my parents acted with each other too...We didn't yell out demands or take each other for granted...They didn't treat me like a stupid kid with no brains in my head. They explained things to me in-depth so I would feel secure and safe....My parents took me on drives out to the country so I could learn about farms and animals and how food is grown etc...I was an only child and my parents told me that they talked about how to raise me long before I was born....They said that they didn't want to spoil me because they didn't want me to become a self centered adult...They explained the whys and hows of their beliefs and behavior in-depth and this made me feel like an important and valued member of our family.
I think the kind of importance you are talking about has to come from within. Making that happen isn't any different than what people do to their kids these days by giving them everything. GIVING them a sense of importance isn't any good. Why do you think that needs to be manufactured or produced?
Junior doesn't feel important, let's find a way to make that happen. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
I took care of younger siblings BECAUSE I HAD TO. I cleaned house BECAUSE I HAD TO. I did dishes for my family of 7 BECAUSE I HAD TO. I cooked for that same family of 7 BECAUSE I HAD TO. I never felt any kind of importance because of it.
To have the sense of contribution, it needs to come from the person, from their own value system, not manufactured because a parent thinks that person needs to feel important.
That has resulted in kids growing up with an inflated sense of self importance BUT they have no real importance in the family. They are treasured items not contributing members...
I would like to take that thought one step further and say that I think a big part of the problem is that the kids are not even treasured for themselves. They are merely a showpiece for their parents.
"Oh look what a good job mommy and daddy did raising Junior. Look at all the wonderful things we do for Junior. Isn't he perfect, aren't we just the best parents ever?" The result is an inflated sense of ego and no real worth, because after all Junior is just a product of his parents efforts.
I think kids would be better off if more parents stepped back and became less concerned with how their children reflect on them.
I agree but it's that kids feel too SELF important. What they lack is real importance, in the sense, that others depend on them and what they contribute is of value. I'm not referring to thinking they deserve better, that's an issue that stems from not having a role where they make a valuable contribution, IMO.
I completely understand Ivory's point, and it's something that has been a frequent topic of discussion in our own family. We haven't yet come up with any good solutions.
Last edited by formercalifornian; 03-07-2010 at 01:17 PM..
I think the kind of importance you are talking about has to come from within. Making that happen isn't any different than what people do to their kids these days by giving them everything. GIVING them a sense of importance isn't any good. Why do you think that needs to be manufactured or produced?
Junior doesn't feel important, let's find a way to make that happen. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
I took care of younger siblings BECAUSE I HAD TO. I cleaned house BECAUSE I HAD TO. I did dishes for my family of 7 BECAUSE I HAD TO. I cooked for that same family of 7 BECAUSE I HAD TO. I never felt any kind of importance because of it.
To have the sense of contribution, it needs to come from the person, from their own value system, not manufactured because a parent thinks that person needs to feel important.
I'm not talking about making them feel important. I'm talking about giving them a sense of importance. I don't want them to think they're great. I want them to know that they make a valuable contribution. That things they do matter.
A sense of contribution doesn't come from within the person. It comes from what the person does. Belief you contribute is nothing unless you really do and we know when we really do and when we don't.
I completely understand Ivory's point, and it's something that has been a frequent topic of discussion in our own family. We haven't yet come up with any good solutions.
If you have any inspirations, let me know. I know what's wrong but I can't figure out how to fix it short of becomming a missionary to a 3rd world country .
I'm going to try volunteering with my daughters this summer. I think we'll try the humane society since my oldest is really into animals (of course she'll want to bring them all home ). I'd love to do a children's ward in a hospital but I don't know if they'd accept volunteers as young as 12 and 14. I know they can't do things like Habitat for Humanity. You have to be an adult for that.
I really think kids today need that sense of making a difference to get them out of this I/Me kick they're on. The sad truth is their parents (me included) put them there in the name of building self esteem. I made the same mistakes. Volunteered in the classroom and went on field trips lest they feel like THEIR mom didn't care, put my own needs and wants aside for theirs, put couple needs aside for theirs (nearly caused a divorce there)...we really need to stop this. We're not doing our kids any favors. If we treat them like precious china all that's going to happen is they will crack the first time life hits them.
For those of you with younger kids, a good movie to watch with them is "Pay if Forward". Very thought provoking.
To some extent, I think even my husband and I feel our work's lack of relevance. I think it's part of the reason I stopped working to stay at home, but unfortunately it didn't solve the problem. Now that our major life expenses are paid off, my husband is also struggling with motivation. I'm beginning to think this is what my parents describe as a mid-life crisis or maybe it's just the down-side of relative affluence.
Back to the kids, I recently talked to a woman who works for a veterinary office about having my daughter volunteer to clean cages, sweep up, etc. In exchange, she would have the opportunity to observe procedures. My daughter has talked for several years about wanting to become a vet and reads everything about animals and veterinary medicine that she can get her hands on. If I can make it work, I think it might be a good way to get her engaged.
Last edited by formercalifornian; 03-07-2010 at 01:54 PM..
Interesting. My grandmother was born in 1900, so 110 years ago. She lived to the ripe old age of 87 and was a rather large influence on my life. We had long, long talks about her life, my life, the future and everything in between.
Not once in my conversations with her, or in listening to her with others, did I ever hear or feel the attitude that when she was a child that her family would fail without her labors or contributions. Or that she played a significant role in the survival of her family.
She picked cotton alongside her mom and dad because that's just what people did where she lived, not because she was forced to or because they wouldn't have food if they didn't. They grew some of their own food, but they mostly bought or traded for it from others who grew it. (because just like today, they didn't have to do it themselves) If times became lean because of poor crops or availability from others, they simply made other choices. It was just how life was lived.
As an adult she mused that looking back, she could see where to those who didn't live it it might seem like it was a life or death situation. However it was only because of the advances we've made in the current world that made it look that way. Living it was nothing more than living it. Living today is nothing more than living today and will be looked at quite differently 110 years from now too.
As far as her part in her family......her view was quite the opposite of what Ivory believes. In her family her parents worked for HER so that she could go on to school, grow up, get married if she wanted (and she did 4 different times!), make a difference, achieve her dreams and live a full life. They believed that their job was to make sure she was able to do the things they dreamed of for her. Her part in the family was to live well and make them proud for the future.
She became a trendsetting business woman here with things like a cafe, then later in the real estate business. She was well known then for her terrific head for business and even today there are people who still know of her. All this had nothing to do with occasional picking cotton, milking cows, raising chickens or sewing her own clothes....all of which she did to some extent growing up.
My kids do not have an inflated sense of self worth simply because I don't parent that way. We don't compete with the Jones. We don't fill up their time with scheduled activities. We don't work to fulfill all their desires. We live a fairly simple and straightforward life that includes all of us.
I parent in a way that provides my children the best possible environment for them to explore, foster their imagination, learn societal boundaries, dream their dreams and continue to grow and learn daily. Sometimes that is nothing more than digging in the dirt outside. Other times that's spending hours at the science museum. Sometimes that's laying in bed at night spinning tall tales together. Other times that's playing strategic computer/video games. Sometimes that's cooking dinner together. Other times that's buying some burgers and eating at the park. Sometimes it's cleaning the house together. Other times is leaving the dirty dishes in the sink to go for a walk around the block.
I love my life. My kids are strong, independent healthy kids with high morals. My family is everything I would hope for.
I suppose for those who think their kids are missing the important things in life, they should take a step back and simply their lives in order to bring things back into perspective instead of blaming it on changing times.
Basically my family is the same kind of family as my grandmother's .....even with the advances and changes of life along the way.
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). I'd love to do a children's ward in a hospital but I don't know if they'd accept volunteers as young as 12 and 14. I know they can't do things like Habitat for Humanity. You have to be an adult for that.
