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Have you been able to form an evolving friendship with your grown kids? How do you stop yourself from butting in and offering unsollicited advice? At what point would you step in and play mom or dad again? Do you have a full and rich life of your own apart from your kids?
A parent is a parent is a parent. I'll never be 'friends' with my grown children. I'll always be a parent. They can find friends anywhere they go, but they will never find another mom. I won't give that up for the sake of being friends.
I wanted to become friends with my grown kids so I would feel free to be more open with them...and hopefully they would feel free to be more open with me too. I will always be their mom no matter what...But I don't want to have to play non-stop mom to them all the time. I don't want them to worry that I will step in and hand them unsollicited advice when they confide in me...And I want to be honest and open about who I am...versus feeling obligated to act like a perfect and infallible parent all the time. These are some of the reasons why I wanted to become more of a friend to my grown kids.
I would say I am friends with my grown children. But that doesn't mean I do "all" the things they do. Such as go to the bars or have parties, go to a million concerts ect... We do have a relationship that is way different from when they lived at home though. My daughter and i love to go to garage sales, talk on the phone about nothing and just hang out. My oldest son and I while not as close talk on the phone weekly and when we go to Nebraska we always stay with him. I try not to interfere in their business. They are adults and are capable of making decisions. Even ones I don't like.
My daughters and I ARE best friends....my oldest has lived away from home for a few years, is in college, and we do everything together. I'm happy with her choices, so I have no reason to inject my opinions in her life....but if I felt the need, I would!
My youngest and I get along great as well...and I imagine we will be just as close when she moves on...I was a single parent for most of their lives and we are a team.
I find it easier to be friends with my college-age children now. They have their own friends, and hobbies, they make their own choices, but we still sometimes hang out together. My dd and I shop etc. sometimes. Sometimes I give them advice or offer my opinion, but I don't push the issue---I just give them my opinion and hope they make the right choices. If I do get too pushy, I get "the look" and I know to let it go. We have a level of honesty between us that I've found other parents don't often share with their children, and I think it's because we are friends as well as family. It can be a fine line to walk, and I'm still learning as we go along.
I think it's hard for young people to come into their own and learn to think for themselves when they have a "larger than life" mom or dad looking over their shoulder all the time....Parents that kids feel obligated to "please" often at the expense of what they may want for themselves... This is why I wanted to move into a different position and role with my sons.
Have you been able to form an evolving friendship with your grown kids? How do you stop yourself from butting in and offering unsollicited advice? At what point would you step in and play mom or dad again? Do you have a full and rich life of your own apart from your kids?
I sure hope my grown sons see our relationship as one that includes friendship....it is a goal I think I worked toward throughout their childhood. I was never one who did the 'butt in' and/or offer 'unsolicited advice' - so it's easy now that they are grown to continue with that.....and YES YES YES - I have a full and rich life of my own, that often times is a bit hampered when they all want to come for a visit
It is important to me, that I not ever step into their adult life and pretend to parent them - but if they need me - I'm one simple phone call, text, or email away from being immediately available to them.....for support, a caring ear, an "I love you" - or whatever.....but only when prompted by them. I raised them to be self-sufficient, productive men, who are respected and respectful.....now I get to enjoy watching their lives unfold, from 'over here' They don't need me to parent them as adults....they were properly parented when they were kids
Rottn, 'parenting' adults isn't necessary when the job is done by the age of 18. The role of a parent changes as a child ages. It's our job to lessen our influence on them gradually from the time they are very young, but being a parent never stops as long as both parent and child are alive. Even then it's still there in the mind and heart.
Your job as parent with grown offspring is to be there for them to talk to and care that they are ok, but it is vastly different than being a friend. Hovering and mothering isn't necessary.
I consider myself a parent AND friends with my adult children but there are many different kinds of friendships. With them I have the kind that allows me to give them unsolicited advice . They also tell me all sorts of stuff about their life that I don't even ask about, they are pretty open people. And I usually let them come to me rather than visa verse because frankly I'm happier when I'm not worrying about them.
I have that same kind of friendship with some of my peers (minus the parent part). The bottom line is that if you have ME in your life you are going to hear my opinion on everything no matter who you are.
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