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Go through your counsling sessions alone so that you can regain your coping skills and perspective. I know this has come like a bolt of lightening and just the sheer shock of it all is daunting. These sessions will allow you to step back and reassess the situation and from there you can make sound decisions.
From where I am sitting, it sounds like your husband has gone into ostriche mode. He doesn't want to engage which leaves you feeling like he isn't there for you and he isn't. The daughter is jealous and yet it sounds like he doesn't see her all that often? Not sure.
Let things cool off - more for you than anyone else. When the daughter calls, who does she talk to? Does she have these tantrums with her father? Please explain a bit more on this. More than anything, the more emotional you get and the more you respond to her tantrums the worse it will be. This is a difficult situtation for sure - go to your counseling sessions and don't concern yourself whether your husband wants to go or not.
Thank you for taking time to respond to my post. Yes I am very hopeful that counseling will provide me with better coping skills, I think at this point, it is probably all I can do, work on myself and how I am able to handle the situations.
I have encouraged my husband to spend more time with her, at least once a week, just to take her out and have some quality time, just the 2 of them. The truth is he has been spending more time with her, he takes her out to lunch every two to three weeks and that is more then normal, but not a lot. She lives about a mile away from us.
When my husband's daughter calls and if I pick up the phone, she immediately says, "I want to talk to my dad." And that is it. I usually don't say anything and just hand the phone to him. 9 times out of 10 when she calls, yes, it is to throw a tantrum, crying, screaming, swearing, you name it. And my husband will listen to it and let her talk herself out or until he gets reallky irritated and then he will just hang up. For the most part I have tried to say nothing about these calls, even though I have been the topic of conversation. It was only recently that I told him that calls were hurtful and I would rather that she not call "our home phone" if she was going to be like that, that he had a cell phone and he ought to encourage her to use that instead if she was going to be like that. That of course led to a huge arguement and again I was in the wrong and I need to grow up.
Babyluv, I'm not a marriage counselor by any means, but one thing struck me over the head - you two have been together for six years, and only recently got married?! Why was that? In general, if people don't get married after two or three years (without extenuating circumstances), there must be something holding one or both of them back.
I'm not sure why your husband is pressing you to be friends with his daughter when it seems that he isn't even that close to her. I vote for ignoring her as well (nothing else seems to have worked!). Amazing that a teenager has taken so much power here.
My husband and I got together during his divorce and it was a nasty one at that, he was married for 20 years. Intially he said to me that after 20 years and mostly bad and the bad divorce that he was not ready to jump back into another marriage and just wanted to "be". It took him 4 years to propose to me. I thought that meant he was ready, but then he said that he wanted to wait until his daughter (God my heart is just sinking saying this) graduated from high school. He was afraid that she would have such a meltdown that she would end up failing or dropping out because of it and didn't want to be responsible for that.
For my part I loved him and still do and was willing to wait for him. My thought was that at least we were together and that is what I wanted and if this helped him and put him in a better position then I was willing to do that for him.
"He was afraid that she would have such a meltdown that she would end up failing or dropping out because of it and didn't want to be responsible for that."
Why would his daughter have a meltdown? This is silly. Is she acting out her mother's anger? Is he married to his daughter? I see red flags a waving...
"He was afraid that she would have such a meltdown that she would end up failing or dropping out because of it and didn't want to be responsible for that."
Why would his daughter have a meltdown? This is silly. Is she acting out her mother's anger? Is he married to his daughter? I see red flags a waving...
Artie
You're right and I think she is acting out her mother's anger, in the begining it was the ex-wife that was acting out like this and now it is the daughter 6 years later.
My husband and I got together during his divorce and it was a nasty one at that, he was married for 20 years. Intially he said to me that after 20 years and mostly bad and the bad divorce that he was not ready to jump back into another marriage and just wanted to "be". It took him 4 years to propose to me. I thought that meant he was ready, but then he said that he wanted to wait until his daughter (God my heart is just sinking saying this) graduated from high school. He was afraid that she would have such a meltdown that she would end up failing or dropping out because of it and didn't want to be responsible for that.
For my part I loved him and still do and was willing to wait for him. My thought was that at least we were together and that is what I wanted and if this helped him and put him in a better position then I was willing to do that for him.
I say good for him for being a responsible parent and giving priority to his daughter and her needs. Few parents do that these days, they just move along with their new honies without any regard to how it affects the children. That said, she is now grown and finished with school, so his responsibilites to her are (almost) over and done with. I say good for you for getting counseling. It's a shame your hubby won't be there with you. It would probably do you all some good.
I might also suggest to try not sinking to her level. She's only 19. Yes, she is going to play games and try and manipulate. You are the adult. Don't be telling your husband that his own daughter can't call him on his home phone. While I don't like the context of her calls, you are being just as disrespectful and she is when making silly demands like that. (IMHO) With any luck, she'll soon get a boyfriend/husband and move on with her life and you will be able to move on with yours. Hopefully, the counselor will have something positive to say.
You're right and I think she is acting out her mother's anger, in the begining it was the ex-wife that was acting out like this and now it is the daughter 6 years later.
I see the red flags. I don't know what to do.
I wouldn't be suprised if somehow the ex has put the blame on you. Especially if she didn"t want the divorce. You don't know how many years the daughter may of heard " Daddy would come back home and live with us but he is now with babyluv" It is easier to blame someone else for the divorce than herself.
Have you ever said to her "I don't understand why you dislike me so much when loving your father is something we have in common" If it comes out that she blames you for "keeping her family apart" then your husband can sit her down and explain.
I can't count the number of times I have told friends " I don't care how much you hate your ex do not put the children in the middle of your fights. Don't make them take sides.
Sounds to me like the daughter could use some family counseling.
Personally I would "kill her with kindness" when she realizes she can't "push your buttons" she may back off.
you can always come here and vent to us
I say good for him for being a responsible parent and giving priority to his daughter and her needs. Few parents do that these days, they just move along with their new honies without any regard to how it affects the children. That said, she is now grown and finished with school, so his responsibilites to her are (almost) over and done with. I say good for you for getting counseling. It's a shame your hubby won't be there with you. It would probably do you all some good.
I might also suggest to try not sinking to her level. She's only 19. Yes, she is going to play games and try and manipulate. You are the adult. Don't be telling your husband that his own daughter can't call him on his home phone. While I don't like the context of her calls, you are being just as disrespectful and she is when making silly demands like that. (IMHO) With any luck, she'll soon get a boyfriend/husband and move on with her life and you will be able to move on with yours. Hopefully, the counselor will have something positive to say.
Good luck.
Elaine,
I think you are missing the point. He is NOT being a responsible parent. Nor is he being a responsible husband. A good parent sets boundaries with a child. He has a right to choose a mate and not to live his life alone. She may not like is choice, but she is out of the house and living on her own. Her behavior is not respectful and it's up to him to tell her to either treat his wife with respect or stop visiting the house.
If this young girl is calling the house to be abusive and disrespectful, then this man's partner has every right to ask for that behavior or the phone calls to stop.
You think this problem will end when his daughter finds a boyfriend? Think again. This problem will never go away. By not setting boundaries for appropriate behavior he infantilizing this girl, allowing her to be a perpetual toddler for the rest of her years. If he can't set boundaries now, he's never going to be able to.
Artie
Last edited by artichoke63; 06-05-2007 at 12:39 PM..
You're right and I think she is acting out her mother's anger, in the begining it was the ex-wife that was acting out like this and now it is the daughter 6 years later.
I see the red flags. I don't know what to do.
Babyluv,
You can't change your husband. He is allowing someone to disrespect and abuse you. He is not taking the role of the Alpha Male. He is not disciplining his child or setting boundaries. He is getting angry with you for trying to set boundaries. What are you supposed to do? He does not want to go to counseling to work on the problem together. How can you be in a relationship like this? You are his partner yet he is behaving like his daughter is his partner. I suggest you get some counseling on your own to find out why you are staying with this man. If you continue in this relationship, you are going to either act out your anger and helplessness in a way that makes you look like the problem OR your anger will turn inward in which case you'll become depressed and have to start taking medication to stay with this man. Take care of yourself. Relationships are about two people who communicate, respect each other's feelings, and work on their problems together. This marriage is only on paper. After four years of dating, this man is still not committed to you. At this point, you need to work on YOUR problem, which is why you chose a situation like this to begin with.
In the meantime, move out of the house and stop having sex with him until he can show you that he is ready and willing to work on the problem together. This will give you some space to think and find yourself again particularly if you are feeling lost and confused. Once you feel the problem is worked out, you can move back in the house and take the role of wife again.
Artie
Last edited by artichoke63; 06-05-2007 at 12:54 PM..
I married my husband for better or worse and though there are certain things I would never tolerate, him hurting my child in any way, or physical abuse or cheating and would leave immediately.
I believe with this situation, I have to keep trying, I have to keep working at it. If he continues to dig in his heels, I guess I will have to rethink. But for now, I am working to save my marriage. I have to at least try.
I married my husband for better or worse and though there are certain things I would never tolerate, him hurting my child in any way, or physical abuse or cheating and would leave immediately.
I believe with this situation, I have to keep trying, I have to keep working at it. If he continues to dig in his heels, I guess I will have to rethink. But for now, I am working to save my marriage. I have to at least try.
You are not ready to do anything so radical as move out. I understand this. But keep in mind that one, he has already left you, two, you can't keep trying to save a marriage all on your own. And three, what you are going through IS a form of ambient abuse. If you don't take care of yourself (at least by going to counseling on your own), you are taking the role of victim and enabler, putting your energies and hope and faith into waiting for other people to change. It's a soul sapping existence.
Take care, Babyluv. I'm leaving the thread.
Artie
Last edited by artichoke63; 06-05-2007 at 02:55 PM..
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