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Old 03-26-2010, 06:06 PM
 
Location: Australia
1,492 posts, read 3,224,915 times
Reputation: 1723

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Great thread.
Our oldest is only just 13 so we only just qualify in the teen regard. I believe that she is a great teen. She is nice, respectful, helpful, obedient, copetent. Basically a great kid.

Quote:
We also never put up with talking back or snotty attitudes. Things like that earned a trip to their rooms or some fun chores like scrubbing bathrooms. Now all it takes is a "look" and it stops. We have plenty of friends that allow this behavior because "all teens are like this", um, no they aren't.

We have always been more concerned about raising our children to be responsible adults then being "cool" or being their friends. It seems to be working and our house is what I call the kool-aid house--the house where everyone wants to hang out.
I agree with not putting up with "talking back or snotty attitudes". In our case that led a warning when we were out and a smack when we got home. Even now, she knows that she will receive it if she does the teen 'tude thing to her parents. Also we have not found that being responsible conflicts with having friends. We are probably the strictest family we know and yet our house is one of the houses that the kids come to and 'hang out' They know that we have rules for behaviour and they they do behave. I think the teens like it. They like boundaries. This does not mean we do not respect them. They can play in the yard and the games room. But with in the limits set for behaviour.

Quote:
VegasGrace I take you both to the prom location and watch you go inside
and pick you both up and drive him home....
....Needless to say I'll be parked in the car scoping the place out all night.
I agree with driving them or at least knowing how they will get to the prom and home again. Being a bit of a traditionalist, I would expect the boy to "pick her up" This means come into our house and say "hello" to us and then after the prom to bring her back into the house and say " hello" to us again. If he is below driving age then his parents could do it. I would be quite happy to do it if his parent wouldn't or couldn't do it. At 13 though she does group things so even though there is some pairring off, we have not gotten to the one on one dating thing yet. So our van is often transpoting groups of kids to various sporting and social outings.

I actually would never hang aroud in the car park. If I did not trust the people running the dance or whatever to supervise then my daughter would not be going or I would get involved but no way would I hang around the car park. Anyway a middle aged man hanging around a car park is the sort of thing I would hope the organisers would ensuer did not happen. Basically I trust her to do the right thing I would want her to know that she is expected to behave whether I am there or not. And she does.
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Old 03-27-2010, 01:49 AM
 
Location: Wherever I want to be... ;)
2,536 posts, read 9,911,329 times
Reputation: 1995
When I was a teenager, at times I felt that it was my parents that were the teens--and that I was the 'responsible' adult. heh
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Old 03-27-2010, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,224 posts, read 84,144,315 times
Reputation: 114530
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabinerose View Post
Seems that all the parenting teen forums are geared towards troubled teens that are out of control. I would really like to make contact with other parents that have responsible mature teens. Even my friends and sister don't really understand - they all compare notes regarding the drinking, drug use, etc... that they are going through with their teens, while I am left feeling lonely because I can't relate. Don't get me wrong... I don't WANT to be able to relate to the stress they are going through, but I would like to talk with someone who has responsible, college-bound teens
I have one, but she is already in her first year of college. However, I thought I'd chime in because she had to face challenges at college because of not fitting in due to not drinking, and your kids may very well face the same thing.

It's not that she was raised to be a goody-two-shoes. I could drink legally at 18 and did. I met her father in a bar. I liked to party, but I never knew about alcoholism, and I married an alcoholic. My daughter, however, knows about addiction. She remembers her father's behavior before we divorced ten years ago. My brother died four years ago from hepatitis C from using heroin intravenously 25 years before. A close friend of mine who was in recovery for 7 years decided one fine day that she could have just a drink or two, and I've had to cut off contact with her now as she is pretty much "wet-brained"--has irreversible brain damage from drinking that makes her talk and act mentally retarded.

My daughter saw all this and has chosen a boyfriend and other friends who avoid drugs and alcohol. They are all good students and they get together and play music or find other activities that don't involve alcohol or drugs. She's certainly not perfect, but she is a good person with a sense of social justice and empathy for others, and more than anything, that's who I wanted my daughter to grow up to be.

As I said, the first year of college has been something of a challenge, because the reality is that for many kids it's a time when they do experiment with alcohol and/or drugs. Most of them will come through that OK, and some will not. This past year she has been struggling with changing her course of study from what she thought she always wanted to do with realizing where her passion truly lies, and she is transferring to a different school for academic reasons. However, she knows that the school to which she wants to transfer is known as a big party school, but she is OK with that. She's already sought out information on particular activities that she is interested in and hopes to find others there of like mind. I've tried to be there for her and listen and sometimes keep my mouth shut when I think I know the answers but also know I have to let her figure them out for herself.

I think (and hope) that the best thing I've taught her is to be true to herself, even in times of self-doubt.

I hope that helps.
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Old 03-27-2010, 12:43 PM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,840,258 times
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My 16 and 13 year old sons are good kids. They do not drink or take drugs. They are good students. The older one plays a different sport every season. He is always at some practice or game. He was the captain of the JV football team, won the wrestler of the year, and is currently playing lacrosse. Coaches and teachers always tell me what a great kid he is.

The younger one is into marching band and percussion ensemble. He has rehearsals, and lessons and stays out of trouble. He is very sweet and a "young" 13 year old if you know what I mean. He just won a scholarship for music that will pay 50% of his high school tuition!!!

The older one can sometimes come downstairs a little snotty in the morning but that is about the worst of it.
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Old 04-03-2010, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Back at home in western Washington!
1,490 posts, read 4,742,500 times
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Thanks everyone for your encouraging posts! It's nice to feel some comraderie with others instead of actually feeling ackward with nothing to say when my SIL tells me about my nieces drugs, drinking, and sex activities. It definately makes me feel optimistic that there are other teens out there like mine
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Old 04-06-2010, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,224 posts, read 84,144,315 times
Reputation: 114530
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabinerose View Post
Thanks everyone for your encouraging posts! It's nice to feel some comraderie with others instead of actually feeling ackward with nothing to say when my SIL tells me about my nieces drugs, drinking, and sex activities. It definately makes me feel optimistic that there are other teens out there like mine
My niece (sister's daughter) was a snotty rotten kid from the time she was small. She would steal anything that wasn't red hot or nailed down. She got fired from three supermarket jobs as a teenager because money was missing from the registers--of course it was always the manager's fault or someone else's mistake, she just got blamed. She used to do terrible things like call my daughter over to "show her something" and then close her fingers in the door (she is 13 years older than my daughter.) She dropped out of high school and was pregnant with her first kid at 18. She's had three more since--the last three are at least by the same father, and she lives like trash in another state.

My daughter, understandably, hates her cousin for the mean things she did to her as a child, so it worked out very well for me--I just always held her up as a horrible example of what happens when you don't do well in school, think you can get away with stealing, get pregnant, etc. It was another tool in the parenting kit!
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Old 04-06-2010, 10:58 PM
 
6,066 posts, read 15,009,981 times
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Our oldest will be 15 soon and we are so proud of him. He works so hard, does well in school, and volunteers his time to help out teachers at his school. He's a teacher's assistant and goes in early every day to help out with tutoring and other jobs. He's training to be a lifeguard and plans to apply for the job as soon as he's old enough. He wants to work as a lifeguard as his high school and college job. He was just nominated for a special award given out by the local rotary club each year, only one student from each school can be nominated and he was it for his school - that was exciting news! We also just found out that he has been accepted into an international studies program which is an exceptional program and very rare as well. I can relate to the OP here... when I'm around other parents and we begin talking about how our kids are doing, I often don't say too much because all they seem to do is gripe or complain. I don't want to seem braggy or anything, so I don't say much - even though I'm so excited for him I really want to gush and tell everybody how happy we are for his hard work and the positive choices he's making for himself. I guess that's what city-data is for... saying all the stuff that maybe we shouldn't or won't say in our real offline lives...
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Old 04-07-2010, 04:49 AM
 
1,219 posts, read 4,210,747 times
Reputation: 591
I love and enjoy my teens, as well. My two oldest are teens now. I enjoy their company and seeing the men they are becoming. The older one is deciding which college to attend, and the younger teen is getting ready for high school (he's had his challenges in middle school, but he's worked through them).

I enjoyed having a bunch of little kids, and now I like having older ones too!
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Old 04-07-2010, 11:02 AM
 
Location: beautiful NC mountains!
904 posts, read 2,867,340 times
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I have a wonderful 18 yr old daughter. She doesn't drink or smoke or use drugs. She chooses to go to church every Sunday, even if we skip. She watches her brother every day after school while I work. She does homework with him, helps with housework, gets decent grades, has a part time job, and plays a varsity sport. I am just sad she will be trotting off to college next year.

Her older brother was pretty much the same only there was always an entourage of 4 other teens with him. He is now in his early 20's and maintains a 3.5 GPA in college and a part time job.

Teenagers are great. They just want love and respect like everyone else. I always tell mine that respect and trust are earned, not given, and that they can be taken away.
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Old 04-07-2010, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,507 posts, read 9,038,208 times
Reputation: 3360
I'd like to report two more good teens here!!
Outside of of some minor attitude flare-ups we aren't having any issues with our 15 & 16 yo teens. When the attitude happens they are sent on a walk to the end of our street....to clear their heads and decide how they would like the conversation to continue upon their return. That few minutes and a little exercise seems to do the trick most of the time.

One thing that seems strange and I didn't anticipate is that we have fewer and fewer rules as they get older. They keep themselves in line so we don't have to.

Both are in non-traditional high schools and doing well in their programs. They are content with their social lives, no drama over BF/GF's because neither of them has any (not sure that they want it at this point). They are helpful around the house and also run a small business that keeps them busy, helps them learn how to manage their customers and finances as well. They seem content with what they have and are willing to work for what they want....that's leaps and bounds ahead of many of their peers!!

We all still enjoy time together but can also be by ourselves. We have family activities as well as personal and social time....it's a good balance for us. I guess if I had to say one thing we've worked for and try to achieve, it's balance, as individuals and as a family. So far so good. We're look forward to the next few years as they continue on into young adulthood.

Quote:
We also never put up with talking back or snotty attitudes. Things like that earned a trip to their rooms or some fun chores like scrubbing bathrooms. Now all it takes is a "look" and it stops. We have plenty of friends that allow this behavior because "all teens are like this", um, no they aren't.
I just wanted to second this.

No, all teens are NOT that way....but I guess that makes the parents of the snotty and back talking teens feel better.

It's not an accident when you meet a teen who isn't snotty and talking back....it's likely taken many years of intentional parenting to produce such a creature. For us it started the first time the word 'NO' came from their cute little faces (followed soon by "I don't want to" and other such talk)....it has to be addressed the first time and every time in the future, over years. The kids learn not to talk back, that there are ways to question and communicate without being disrespectful and that the world doesn't revolve around what they want or don't want. I appreciate that we have conversations with our teens instead of screaming matches, we can talk to and listen to each other without whining, talking back, drama and hurtful words getting in the way. Honestly, some parents are as bad or worse than their teens in this regard.....I'm sometimes shocked to hear how they talk to each other...it's not always only the teens who are snotty. Even the way I hear husbands and wives talking to/about each other...it's no wonder their teens talk like they do.

I also agree with other posters who say they don't get the opportunity to 'brag' about their teens often because all the other parents are busy complaining. They just don't want to hear it and they sure don't want to try to fix it....they want to believe that "all teens are like this".

Thanks, OP, for giving us a chance to brag a little.
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